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Ice Age: Collision Course User Review

  • lucasisking
    Let's get the rock out of here
    Review of Ice Age: Collision Course Movie by lucasisking, Oct 12, 2016.
    The trailers promise colourful fun, whiz-bang action and knockabout laughs, but don't be conned: If your kids make noises about seeing this (it's still doing a run at cinemas), bind them, gag them, and lock them in the basement; secure in the knowledge that its for their own good. Even by the dismal standards to which this franchise has sunk, this is a grade-A prehistoric stinker that's not worth defrosting.

    Let's face it, the franchise was already running on creative empty (and personally I never liked the characters to begin with), with each successive film an exercise in gimmicky contrivance rather than genuine storytelling. Ice Age 2 had global warming, Ice Age 3 threw in dinosaurs, Ice Age 4 had continents colliding (with Pirates!). What prehistoric calamities could possibly be left? Sod it, let's go to space! So our loveable nut-loving, looney-tunes side character Scrat ends up in outer space because reasons, and triggers a cataclysm by sending an asteroid headed to Earth. It's up to our 'heroes' to save the day. That's all the Fox suits had left in their barrel scraping, cash-grabbing ideas sack; and the writers then desperately struggle to find something, anything, to fill in the intervening runtime. Thus we get a disconnected shambles of half baked pop culture references, shoehorned new and returning characters; pointless slapstick scenes; music tracks; and poo jokes (along with the obligatory yawnsome family moralising) as the creators throw poop at the wall for 90 minutes (that feels twice as long) and hope-like-hell that something sticks. Unsurprisingly it just slides off into a puddle of cinematic diarrhoea. Funny gags? I guffawed once maybe, and smiled about twice. That's it. The Scrat bits were sort of amusing and Simon Pegg's Buck is a lot more fun than the pack of curmudgeonly bores and mammalian morons that, for some reason, the creators think are 'beloved' characters. They're not.

    But it's a kids film right? They'll surely lap it up? Not so much. My daughter (8) was bored to tears within half and hour and kept asking me when it was going to be over; the kids behind us fidgeted, kicked the seats and talked constantly, and I was grateful they did as I was on the verge of falling into a coma. My son enjoyed it though and he was the only reason we didn't walk out; thus there must still be an element of value to this for some children that prevents it getting zero marks.

    Desperately unfunny, and spectacularly boring, this asteroid-themed entry sees the series literally hit rock bottom. Please someone put this franchise on ice. Preferably a mile-thick layer of permafrost for the next 20,000 years.

    Pros

    • Colourful
    • Buck livens things up but even he's irritating
    • Scrat bits are amusing in a Looney-tunes kind of way

    Cons

    • Creatively vapid
    • Dislikeable, obnoxious characters
    • Irritating, charmless script
    • No narrative structure just a sequence of nonsense scenes
    • Almost completely unfunny
    • Desperately boring
    • Rock bottom for a franchise that's already outstayed its welcome

    Verdict

    2
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