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Your favourite British sitcom lines?

Discussion in 'TV Show Forum' started by shadowritten, Oct 21, 2005.

  1. shadowritten

    shadowritten
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    Some that still put a :D on my face include:


    Dinnerladies :

    "Do you do museli?" "No, we don't. This is a canteen - not a groundsheet at Glastonbury!"

    "No, they're dead hard to get out of, skips." "And how many have you climbed out of?" "Eight." "Drunk, I suppose?" "Course I were drunk! Why else would I be doing it? Duke of Edinburgh's Award Scheme!?"

    "I bet Sting's not humping potatos." "He can do it for eight hours, him. You'd need to be a bloody potato to put up with it!"



    Blackadder :

    "Morning, Mr B!" "Shut up, Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market."

    "Gloaters! You really are a prat, aren't you, Percy?"

    "... and you ride a horse rather less well than another horse would ..."

    "I want my mum!" "Yes, it'd be good to see her now. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla would be pretty handy when it came to the final scrap."



    I'm Alan Partridge :

    "That's a nice perfume, Susan. What it is?" "It's a new one my boyfriend bought me ." "Yeah, I didn't ask who bought it ..."

    "Scum. Sub-human scum."

    "I noticed some graffiti on the way in." "School for the deaf." "Right. They're just deaf? Not deaf offenders?"

    "What are you doin', Al?" "I'm just destroying my cereals."

    "Lynn! Stop it! You're laughing at drizzle!"

    "Was that a snub-nose Uzi, Lynn?" "Yes, I think it was ..."




    ... anyway, you get the idea. Anyone?
     
  2. Toasty

    Toasty
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    Red Dwarf quote 1:

    "Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"

    "How 'bout a muffin?"

    "Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"

    "Aah, so you're a waffle man!"

    Red Dwarf quote 2:

    "Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite ...
    would you like a toasted tea cake?"


    Now who'd have guessed these would be my favourite ;)
     
  3. GrahamC

    GrahamC
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    So many on Red Dwarf. One I always smirk at, (not verbatim)

    Kryten
    Space Corp directive 188 says that in an emergency power situation a hologram must switch himself off and sacrifice himself for the good of the crew

    Rimmer
    Ah... but Rimmer directive 167 equally explicitly states... no chance you metal bastard.

    :hiya: howdydoodilydo :hiya:
     
  4. GalacticaActual

    GalacticaActual
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    Only fools and hourses.

    Del......"not only have you sunk every sub and battleship you have ever been on, youve gone and knackered a gravy boat."
     
  5. Steve_P

    Steve_P
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    Not really sitcom quotes but still my fave comedy quotes none-the-less...

    Eric Morecombe:

    "I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

    My all time fave...
    "He won't sell many ice-creams going at that speed" (Sorry if this quote is slightly inaccurate, I couldn't find a reference to it on the net. :rolleyes: )

    S.
     
  6. essex

    essex
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    "Oh Contrare, Blackadder" - as Melchet opens up his coat to reveal an pair of enormous comedy breasts in series 2 of BlackAdder

    it just beats Mad Gerald's 'Mr. Rat - he's my best friend' from series 1 and Blackadder's Aunt's line 'Wicked Boy! Two spikes would be an extravegence. I sit on Nathaniel' from series 2
     
  7. FruitBat

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    From Blackadder (the scene where Blackadder annoys Dr. Johnson by making up words which are not in his new dictionary):

    Dr Johnson: Show me out!

    Blackadder: Certainly, sir. Anything to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation.
     
  8. Alphatyrant

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    Just Brilliant.....

    Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
    [he points to some plastic cows on the table]
    Father Ted: are very small; those
    [pointing at some cows out of the window]
    Father Ted: are far away...
     
  9. FruitBat

    FruitBat
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    From Red Dwarf:

    Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
    Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
     
  10. Steve T

    Steve T
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    From Blackadder Goes Forth (Random Lord Flashheart lines)

    Flashheart: Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm missing, 500 girls would kill themselves and I wouldn't want them on my conscience - not when they should be on my face!

    Flashheart: Send the bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towells on.

    Baron Von Richthoven: Ah and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men who have jousted together in the cloud strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often I have rehearsed this moment in my dreams. The valour we encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the....

    Flashheart shoots him dead

    Flashheart: What a poof! Let's go!

    Yes, I do own a book containing all the Blackadder scripts, they're class!!
     
  11. krish

    krish
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    David Brent (The Offfice, Series 2, Episode 3):

    People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: “you’re not
    fooling anyone”
    , they know I’m rock and roll through and through.

    But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way.
    Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old.
    That’s the way - not orthodox, I don’t live by “the rules” you know.

    And if there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick,
    someone who does that to the system, then, it’s Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say “that’s
    what I think of your selection policy, yes I’ve hit the odd copper, yes I’ve enjoyed the old dooby,
    but will you p*** off and leave me alone, I’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics.”
    .
     
  12. Steve N

    Steve N
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    There were some great ones in Whatever Happenened to the Likely Lads

    If anyone knows the exact script to these half remembered lines I'd love to know what they actually were.

    One had terry fishing, Bob comes over to chat. Terry tells Bob he'd offer him a beer but he's only got one sixpack left. Bob goes on to tell Terry various tales of woe - (I'm making these up now) "my uncle's just died, I've lost my job, the bills are coming in and now ....... Thelma has left me"
    Terry thinks for a while - struggling with some inner turmoil then says - "alright, you can have one, but only one mind"

    The other may have been the from same sketch. Terry is trying to help Bob remember someone and the line goes something like - "you remember him Bob, a miserable, dour faced old bloke, broken down by disapointment - you know the type (pause) ...a Sunderland supporter"
    Bob immediately remembers :D
     
  13. dUnKle

    dUnKle
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    Im 29 and obviously dont remeber this first time round but having seen it on TV repeats with me Dad this has to be my all time favourite sitcom - why are so few on DVD
     
  14. Barbara2001

    Barbara2001
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    ... because only a few have survived?!
     
  15. jenic

    jenic
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    If we can extend it to include corrie (not really a sitcom, i know)

    Jack

    'engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering'
     
  16. TonyA

    TonyA
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    Mainwaring: You can write what you like. You're not going to win this war.
    German: Yes we are.
    Mainwaring: Oh no you're not.
    German: Oh yes we are.
    Pike: [sings] Whistle while you work. Hitler is a twerp. He's half barmy, so's his army. Whistle while you work.
    German: Your name will also go on zee list. What is it?
    Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike.
    German: Pike.
     
  17. krg

    krg
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    More Red Dwarf...

    "The thing about black holes, see, the really major thing is, they're black. And the thing about space, see, the thing is, it's black..."

    "I don't want to be Dwayne Dibbly!"

    "Speed Bumps!"
     
  18. LV426

    LV426
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    Beat me to it. That line has the unique attribute of being
    a) probably the funniest line in any TV sitcom
    AND
    b) the only remotely funny line in an entire sitcom series.
     
  19. ConfusedTA

    ConfusedTA
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    Red Dwarf:

    [Siren going off in background]
    Holly: Abandon ship, abandon ship. This is not a drill... this is a drill
    [Sound of drill]
    Holly: Abandon ship, abandon...
    [Siren stops]
    Holly: Oh great now the siren's broken. Awooga, awooga, abandon ship
     
  20. smelly

    smelly
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    Sorry Only Fools and Horses comes to mind at the moment although I know there's a lot more out there....

    Heroes and Villains (1996) Trigger, Del, Rodders, Sid and Boycie chating in Sid's cafe. Trigger has just been presented with an award for saving the council money.

    Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
    Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?

    Three Men, A Woman And A Baby (1991) Mike and Trigger are in The Nag's Head taking bets on the name of Del and Raquel's unborn baby.

    Mike So?
    Trigger What?
    Mike What name have they decided on?
    Trigger If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave.
     
  21. lovemunkey187

    lovemunkey187
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    :rotfl: :rotfl: I've never been a fan of OFAH but that made me laugh out loud and have everyone else in the office stare at me.
     
  22. Garrett

    Garrett
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    Haven’t the script in front of me but one of the classic lines from OFAH went something like this.

    The gang have been invited to a fancy dress party Del and Rodney go as Batman and Robin when they get there the fancy dress has been called off, and the rest are in formal evening wear i.e. men collar and tie, women evening dress.

    Triggers there in collar and tie just like the rest of the male guest and says to Del and Rodney (referring to the 3 of them)
    don’t you feel a fool dressed up fancy dress.

    Del why are you feeling a fool?

    Trigger I came as a chauffer.
     
  23. Mr Cat

    Mr Cat
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    pure class!!
     
  24. NicolasB

    NicolasB
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    Not exactly a conventional sitcom, but almost every line in The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy demands to be quoted. For example:

    "Man had always considered himself to be more intelligent than the dolphin, because he had achieved so much more: the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. Conversely, dolphins had always considered themselves to be more intelligent than Man, for precisely the same reason."


    Or this exchange, from the radio series (note that I'm quoting from memory, here, so may not be very accurate). ARTHUR has just fallen out of a mysterious cave 13 miles above the ground....


    NARRATOR: Philosophers have long been vexed by the problems posed by "real life", such as "what do we mean by 'real'?" and "how can we reach an empirical definition of 'life'?"

    One definition of life (albeit not a particularly useful one) might run as follows: "Life is that property which a being will lose as a result of falling out of a cold and mysterious cave, 13 miles above ground level". However, this is not a particularly useful one, A: because it could equally well refer to the subject's glasses, if he happened to be wearing them, and B: because it fails to take into account the fact the subject might happen to fall onto... say... onto the back of an extremely large passing bird.

    The first of these is due to sloppy thinking, but the second is forgiveable as the mere possibility is, quite clearly, utterly ludicrous.


    ARTHUR: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

    (thud, frantic flapping and squawking sounds)

    BIRD: Look, this is utterly ludicrous!

    ARTHUR: What?!

    BIRD: Let go of my neck!

    ARTHUR: No!

    BIRD: Let go!

    ARTHUR: I can't!

    BIRD: Yes you can, just unclasp your hands and buzz off!

    ARTHUR: But I can't fly!

    BIRD: Well what the devil are you doing up here?!

    ARTHUR: Falling!

    BIRD: Well get on with it then, go on!

    ARTHUR: But the drop will kill me!

    BIRD: Should have thought of that before you started out! It's no use saying "I'll just go for a quick drop, and if I get tired half way down, I'll jump on a passing bird". It's not like that up here! It's all to do with the harsh realities of Physics up in the sky, it's power to weight ratios, it's wing cross-sections, it's wing surface areas - it's also cold and extremely windy! You'll be better off on the ground.

    ARTHUR: No I won't, I'll be dead!

    BIRD: Well, it's your habitat, not mine.

    ARTHUR: It's not a question of whose habitat it is, it's a question of how fast you hit it! Couldn't you see your way to flying me down to ground level and dropping me off?

    BIRD: No, this is as far down as I'm going.

    ARTHUR But-

    BIRD: No, no, look, my race has been through the whole ground thing, and I don't want to know it. If the Good Lord had meant us to walk, He would have given us sneakers.

    ARTHUR: (grim) All right. If that's the way you feel about it. I'm sorry to have trespassed on your time. Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye...!

    BIRD: (shouting after him) Well there's no need to go off in a huff about it. When you land, swing your knees round! Try and roll with it!

    :rotfl:
     
  25. Steve170

    Steve170
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    From OFAH (the one with the Peckham Spring water, think it's called Mother Nature's Son?)

    Trigger suggests that Del disposes of the barrels of 'toxic waste' from his allotment at the council's 24 hour waste disposal depot. On arriving there late at night, they find the depot all locked up.

    Del: 'I thought you said it was open 24 hours'.
    Trigger: 'Yeh....but not at night'.
     
  26. cabstar

    cabstar
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    Can't remember the full gag but mine has to be "shoes have souls!!!!"

    Regards

    Gary
     
  27. phillfyspoon

    phillfyspoon
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    Red Dwarf there is so many

    "Shut your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum"

    "Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels,
    Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known
    languages, including Welsh. "

    "Time is a great healer. Unless it's a rash, then you're better off with ointment"

    "Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning."

    " Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. "

    Lister: "What, they fixed your core program and then decided they'd be better off without you?"
    Kryten: "Yeah, it was shortly after they met me."

    Rimmer: After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon.
    Holly: Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.

    "I can't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death."
     
  28. stealther

    stealther
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    From the first episode and kind of defines the comedy for the whole series:

    HOLLY: They're dead, Dave.
    LISTER: Who is?
    HOLLY: Everybody, Dave.
    LISTER: What, Captain Hollister?
    HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
    LISTER: What, Todhunter?
    HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
    LISTER: What, Selby?
    HOLLY: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

    LISTER: Petersen isn't, is he?
    HOLLY: Everybody is *dead*, Dave.
    LISTER: Not Chen?
    HOLLY: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
    LISTER: Rimmer?
    HOLLY: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
    LISTER: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
    HOLLY: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.
     
  29. Toasty

    Toasty
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    Red Dwarf released on DVD has been great, revisiting all these great lines does not get old :D
     
  30. stealther

    stealther
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    SYBIL: Basil!

    BASIL: Yes, dear?

    SYBIL: Are you going to hang the picture?

    BASIL: Yes I am, dear, yes, yes...

    SYBIL: When?

    BASIL: When I've, when I've...

    SYBIL: Well, why don't you do it now?

    BASIL: Well, I'm doing this, dear [indicating typewriter]... I'm doing the menu.

    SYBIL: You've got all morning to do the menu. Why don't you hang the picture now? ... Well?

    BASIL: [jumping up] Yes, all right, I won't do the menu... I don't think you realize how long it takes to do the menu, but no, it doesn't matter, I'll hang the picture now. If the menus are late for lunch it doesn't matter, the guests can all come and look at the picture till they are ready, right? [he starts to hang the picture to the right of the dining-room door]
     

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