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Why would a non smoker start smoking at 29 years old?

Jules

Well-known Member
I'm genuinely devestated. *My friend of 3 years, who is a girl, has started smoking.

Until the last 4 months or so, she has been one of my best friends and someone whom I genuinely have a little love for. *
I spent days away with her, worked all day and spent evenings with her and I always knew her to be a non smoker. *In fact we used to speak about it and she said although she tried it once as a youngster, she was immediately sick and knew that smoking was not for her.*
For 28 years she has been a non-smoker.

I'll confess I am very anti smoking, and always said I would never date anyone who smoked because i hate it so much. It stinks and all see is an ugly, smelly, expensive habit that nearly cost my elder brother his life at the age of 41.

I discovered today ( after a couple of months of suspicion ) that she started smoking about 4-6 months ago.... Disappearing outside and coming back smelling of smoke, wanting to make a phone call outside etc..
In that time, especially lately, she has become distant with me and we hardly speak.

She has told another of my friends that she has treated me very badly of late, that she loves me but isn't in a good place to resume our friendship.
I can only assume she is rather embarrassed to admit that she smokes.

So my first question is why would a pretty, intelligent young woman suddenly decide to start smoking at the age of 29?

I'm also furious that cigarettes are legal when they can cause someone to become addicted to an expensive habit that they may have picked up at a very low point in their life. **

My second question is how best to deal with it, if at all.
She's gone through a lot in the last 12 months but this is so out of character.

One of our friends has been pushing for us to patch things up and get together and she seams to be showing signs of wanting to do just that.

I'll be honest, the first thing I would want her to do is pack up the fags... but I don't want to do it in a parent > child way.
She's a very important person in my life and as odd as this may sound her smoking has really upset me.

How should I handle it?
 

rousetafarian

Moderator
IMO you probably are using 'devastation' (sic), in the wrong sense, and it is slightly dramatic if I'm being blunt

This is her life and as a 29 year old she has every right to make adult choices with, or indeed without your approval. Do you think that you ever do anything that she disapproves of?

A close relative of mine died 2 years ago of an accidental prescription drugs overdose, and a comment that was made at the funeral was "that sometimes good people make bad choices".

Try telling that to my recently 5 year old orphaned nephew, but it is so very true.
 

Berties

Banned
maybe because he cares for her and doesn't want her to get lung, throat, tongue cancer? Tough wringly skin, age twice as quick, stinky breath, yellow teeth? Mates dad had his larynx and part of his tongue removed due to smoking cigars.

Can understand OP if I cared for someone I wouldn't want them to smoke either.

As for signs well you can smoke 100 a day for all I care.
 

Desmo

Distinguished Member
I don't the there is much you can do. She's a adult and makes her own choices in life. My best mate is a smoker and I'd love it if he gave up but there's nothing I can do until he's ready to quit for himself.
 

maxwell

Distinguished Member
If you attempt to become heavy handed over it you are just going to push her even further away, whilst it is great that you are concerned about her and the possible damage to her health she is a grown woman and as such is entitled do whatever she pleases regardless of what you or anybody else thinks.
You need to take a step back if you want any chance of saving your friendship.

Sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh
 

Inked

Distinguished Member
I can understand how you feel as I am always telling my brother that he needs to quit (especially as he now has a six month old daughter to think about) but you can't make peoples choices for them.

Unfortunately, I think it may be something that you will just have to put up with if you wish to continue your friendship.
 

signs

Banned
Thanks. I do mind.
I'm not an obsessive weirdo. I care for someone's health and feel I should help but don't know how.
My grandad lived to 99 and smoked everyday from the age of 15 , who are you to decide for her ? :)
 

Berties

Banned
My grandad lived to 99 and smoked everyday from the age of 15 , who are you to decide for her ? :)
So did our grandad - around 90.

Wheras Roy Castle...:( perhaps some people are more prone to cells that turn cancerous cells when in contact with carcogenic chemicals, compared to others which have less chance of getting cancer? Someone could smoke 80 a day live to 90 (and not get cancer at all) then another 5 a day and get lung cancer at 50.
 

signs

Banned
So did our grandad - around 90.

Wheras Roy Castle...:( perhaps some people are more prone to cells that turn cancerous cells when in contact with carcogenic chemicals, compared to others which have less chance of getting cancer? Someone could smoke 80 a day live to 90 (and not get cancer at all) then another 5 a day and get lung cancer at 50.
Think I preferred it when I was on your ignore list ..thanks
 

Jules

Well-known Member
My brother had a brain haemorrhage at the age of 41 directly attributed to smoking.
Our family is otherwise healthy with a history of longevity. My brother was the only one who smoked and did so from the age of 15.

After surviving major brain surgery, 12 months of recovery, being left with a permanent disability and unable to work for the rest of his life, he admits he realised too late the damage it was doing to his body and of course is now very anti smoking.

I really don't want this to turn in to a lecture about who am I to tell someone what to do... I've already stated that I don't want to go about it in parent > child way.

But maybe someone has had some success expediting someone come to their own decision to quit. That's what I'd like to hear.

I am a little upset by it, and I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.
 

signs

Banned
you in a bad mood or something signs?

just your answers seem a bit more curt than usual. Understandable with some people but not with everyone
Yeah I apologise now if I'm coming over a little "curt" just spent a two days in Birmingham "shopping " with the wife :(

I feel I need to vent my anger ... So once again ..sorry :)
 

its_all_Greek

Distinguished Member
Yeah I apologise now if I'm coming over a little "curt" just spent a weekend in Birmingham "shopping " with the wife :(

I feel I need to vent my anger ... So once again ..sorry :)
best thing you could do is nip outside for a smoke, take a glass of vino with you:devil::D
 

Graham27

Well-known Member
To be honest, it's not really anything to do with you. By all means say what you think and give your opinion, but it's not down to you to tell her what to do.

The world would be an even weirder place if we all tried to make others stop doing things that we don't personally like. One of my mates drinks a lot, another one goes banger racing, a couple have motorbikes, a few smoke, and so on. If I went around lecturing them about the dangers in what they do, they would probably stop being my friends pretty quickly.

People are usually aware of the risks in what they do, I'm sure your friend knows smoking is risky, but it's her choice. If you don't want to date a smoker, that's your choice. But if you want her to quit so you can date her, that's a tad too controlling, IMO. If she was overweight would you demand she lose weight? If she drinks would you tell her to stop?

Do you think she likes everything you do? Including, say, starting a thread discussing her with a bunch of strangers on the internet? I imagine you'd have more to worry about than her smoking if she knew about this!
 

Berties

Banned
that's a tad too controlling, IMO. If she was overweight would you demand she lose weight? If she drinks would you tell her to stop?
....and to hell with it? What if the OP became obese, unkept and never bathed? It doesn't matter? She has to lump it? (in fact I'd rate someone who smelled of smoke similar to someone with really bad BO)
 

Inked

Distinguished Member
....and to hell with it? What if the OP became obese, unkept and never bathed? It doesn't matter? She has to lump it? (in fact I'd rate someone who smelled of smoke similar to someone with really bad BO)
No, you could tell them that you would prefer it if they weren't fat, smelly and scruffy, but you couldn't force them to change.
 

Jules

Well-known Member
You're right. It would be controlling for me to impose my views.

The sad thing is these are views that she shared no so very long ago.
I'm baffled as to how this happened.

Anyone who has been in my position (watching your 41 year old brother nearly die and then lead a restricted life) would better understand where I'm coming from and why.
 

Berties

Banned
No, you could tell them that you would prefer it if they weren't fat, smelly and scruffy, but you couldn't force them to change.
Yes I understand you can't force someone to change (unless you have a weird dom/sub relationship) but you didn't understand. What I mean is you yourself could turn into a slob so is that ok for your partner to suffer because of it?
 

Inked

Distinguished Member
Yes I understand you can't force someone to change (unless you have a weird dom/sub relationship) but you didn't understand. What I mean is you yourself could turn into a slob so is that ok for your partner to suffer because of it?
Thats a different relationship though, but no I wouldn't expect a partner to put up with it.
However if the person chose to continue down that path, I would expect the partner to eventually look elsewhere for something better if they were not happy about it.
 

its_all_Greek

Distinguished Member
Yes I understand you can't force someone to change (unless you have a weird dom/sub relationship) but you didn't understand. What I mean is you yourself could turn into a slob so is that ok for your partner to suffer because of it?
no they could leave of there own free will, same option as the OP has,
Its called freedom of choice as was said earlier you can give your opinion or you can walk if that person doesn't want to change
 

Graham27

Well-known Member
....and to hell with it? What if the OP became obese, unkept and never bathed? It doesn't matter? She has to lump it? (in fact I'd rate someone who smelled of smoke similar to someone with really bad BO)

Yes I understand you can't force someone to change (unless you have a weird dom/sub relationship) but you didn't understand. What I mean is you yourself could turn into a slob so is that ok for your partner to suffer because of it
Of course not. She doesn't have to like what you do, same as you don't have to like what she does. But neither of you should have the right to tell the other what to do. You can give your opinion, but why should someone stop doing something they enjoy because their partner doesn't like it? If that was the case, there's be no-one on Facebook :D

And the girl isn't the OP's partner. We don't even know if she wants to be his partner. At this stage he has no right to want her to do anything for him. And if he did turn into a slob, she'd be free to make her own decisions about that.
Anyone who has been in my position (watching your 41 year old brother nearly die and then lead a restricted life) would better understand where I'm coming from and why.
I understand your views on smoking and what happened to your brother, I just don't agree that you have the right to expect her to do what you want. Say you liked the odd beer, and she was tee-total and wanted you to stop, would you?
 
Last edited:

kav

Distinguished Member
Has any of the stuff that has happened with her in the past twelve months been anything to do with you? I'm asking as you obviously have strong feelings, both for her and on the topic of smoking. I consulted my Amateur Psychology for Dummies and it said that perhaps she's feeling smothered by your relationship and like a teenager is looking for some kind of way to rebel in a way that she knows will hurt the ones who care for her without coming right out and saying something. By hurting herself, she's hurting you.

That'll be £125 please. See you next week at the same time. :)
 

GAZBEROTTEN

Active Member
I'm genuinely devestated. *My friend of 3 years, who is a girl, has started smoking.

Until the last 4 months or so, she has been one of my best friends and someone whom I genuinely have a little love for. *
I spent days away with her, worked all day and spent evenings with her and I always knew her to be a non smoker. *In fact we used to speak about it and she said although she tried it once as a youngster, she was immediately sick and knew that smoking was not for her.*
For 28 years she has been a non-smoker.

I'll confess I am very anti smoking, and always said I would never date anyone who smoked because i hate it so much. It stinks and all see is an ugly, smelly, expensive habit that nearly cost my elder brother his life at the age of 41.

I discovered today ( after a couple of months of suspicion ) that she started smoking about 4-6 months ago.... Disappearing outside and coming back smelling of smoke, wanting to make a phone call outside etc..
In that time, especially lately, she has become distant with me and we hardly speak.

She has told another of my friends that she has treated me very badly of late, that she loves me but isn't in a good place to resume our friendship.
I can only assume she is rather embarrassed to admit that she smokes.

So my first question is why would a pretty, intelligent young woman suddenly decide to start smoking at the age of 29?

I'm also furious that cigarettes are legal when they can cause someone to become addicted to an expensive habit that they may have picked up at a very low point in their life. **

My second question is how best to deal with it, if at all.
She's gone through a lot in the last 12 months but this is so out of character.

One of our friends has been pushing for us to patch things up and get together and she seams to be showing signs of wanting to do just that.

I'll be honest, the first thing I would want her to do is pack up the fags... but I don't want to do it in a parent > child way.
She's a very important person in my life and as odd as this may sound her smoking has really upset me.

How should I handle it?
This may get me under fire and haters but im going to shoot on this.

Most cases associating yourself with the wrong crowd has much to do with it.

Also the tactics i have seen used by people who smoke on people who don't smoke are things such as negative comments, skits,brainwashing etc.

Has any of the stuff that has happened with her in the past twelve months been anything to do with you? I'm asking as you obviously have strong feelings, both for her and on the topic of smoking. I consulted my Amateur Psychology for Dummies and it said that perhaps she's feeling smothered by your relationship and like a teenager is looking for some kind of way to rebel in a way that she knows will hurt the ones who care for her without coming right out and saying something. By hurting herself, she's hurting you.

That'll be £125 please. See you next week at the same time.
£125 for giving someone advice over the internet which can be given for free. What do you charge for sending an email £250?
 
Last edited:

kav

Distinguished Member
£125 for giving someone advice over the internet which can be given for free. What do you charge for sending an email £250?
That's right, and this reply to you has just set you back £50. PM me for payment details.
 

SBT

Banned
Why anyone would choose to start smoking is beyond me.In the past people didn't know the dangers,but there's no excuse today.
 

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