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Tim Vine one liners

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Setenza, Jul 21, 2005.

  1. Setenza

    Setenza
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    Much to my pleasure I discovered the standup comedian Tim Vine whilst watching the Comedy Store on Paramount recently.

    His gags are contrived and very Tommy Copper-esque, but the delivery is so fast and dead pan, it works very well.

    I think this is a like or loathe situation, so here's a selection of his one liners.

    "I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"


    "I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"


    "Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"


    "So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "


    "This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "


    "I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambing!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'


    "I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
    said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'


    "I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."


    "Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"


    "I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'


    "I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "


    "A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and send it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the books."


    "You know how most barbers' chairs go up and down? Well this one went from side to side. The barber turned to me and said: 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' "


    "I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."


    "I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."


    "So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"


    "I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."


    "So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"


    "I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"


    "I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume
    control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"


    "I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"


    "So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "


    "I was driving down the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left. Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder. Yes, I'd careered off the road!!!"
     
  2. spocktra

    spocktra
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    The aromatic duck one is pure class.
     
  3. Ian J

    Ian J
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    We always have a selection of Comedy Store and Jongleurs etc from Paramount 2 stored away on Tivo and there are some very funny comedians on them. I am always intrigued how Tim Vine remembers them all.
     
  4. ianlecompte

    ianlecompte
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    did you know he,s jeremy vines brother(radio 2 broadcaster)
     
  5. Dr Diversity

    Dr Diversity
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    Did you hear that on the grape vine?
     

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