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The Best "Retorts" In Movie/TV History

Discussion in 'TV Show Forum' started by Apocalypse, Feb 18, 2003.

  1. Apocalypse

    Apocalypse
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    I'm looking for the "touche" moment that sticks out for you. The line that really shuts the other person/people up onscreen.

    I have 2 favourites that always come to mind but I know there are lots more.

    1, From season 1 of Angel - Cop lady Kate has just arrested a fat mobster whom she was after for a while. This is the following exchange (not 100% accurate word for word but you'll get the idea)

    <Mobster> Hey lady......you've been after me for a while now. If I'd have known how much you wanted me I'd have stopped running

    <Kate> *eyes him up and down* And if I'd have known how fat you were I would of let you carry on running.



    2, From Lethal Weapon 2 - When Riggs busts into the SA residence and harrases the staff in the fish room. He proceeds to call the main man a "dick-head". Moments later the main man proves to Riggs that he has no police powers at all and says this to Riggs "Who's the dick-head now?" :rotfl:

    I hope you peeps understand what I'm after in this thread, I'll jump in with more explanations if posts get a little confused.

    To simplify it, I'm after the "neh neh neh neh neh" replies :)

    Phil
     
  2. Sinzer

    Sinzer
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    Highlander, where the cop says

    "You a faggot MacCloud?"

    "Why? You cruisin for some ass?"

    The best Christopher Lambert quote ever.

    As far as one liners go the great man Arnie S probably had the monopoly on them.

    "Let off some steam Bennett" after impaling the Freddie Mercury lookielikey into a steam releasing tank this was perhaps the pinnacle of one-liners.

    "Nobody touches Hercules" then bashing a guy and picking a car up from his debut Hollywood movie showed his early promise.
     
  3. Rich1978

    Rich1978
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    What about the first conversation between James Bond and Christmas Jones in The World is Not Enough?

    Jones: I'm Dr Christmas Jones, and don't try any jokes because I've heard them all.

    Bond: But I don't know any "Doctor" jokes.
     
  4. Elsie Grammar

    Elsie Grammar
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    Rum: Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl.

    Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl", than a ... Git.


    :smashin:
     
  5. RL123

    RL123
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    Buffy/Angel have just got so many great one-liners :)


    This is one of my favourites

    Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here? Five words or less.
    Spike: [Counting each word on his fingers] Out. For. A. Walk...Bitch.
     
  6. Matinee

    Matinee
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    Far easier to just include all of Blackadder's dialogue ;). Fantastic series.

    PK
     
  7. mjn

    mjn
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    the mobile phone rant in Lethal Weapon 4.....had me in stitches for ages!!
     
  8. rhoamish

    rhoamish
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    Clive Anderson was interviewing Jeffrey Archer, and the imprisoned liar was becoming quite cocky about his life achievements.

    Clive retorted "My, there really is no beginning to your talents!"

    I've got two others:

    The moment on That Was The Week That Was (before I was born!) when a member of the audience walked onto the stage to confront the (somewhat abrasive) bespectacled interviewer. The chap from the audience simply said "excuse me, this won't take a moment", and then punched the guy in the face. Classic.

    The last one is from an out-take from Countdown.

    Richard Whitley asked the first contestant what his word was. He replied "W*****".

    Somewhat taken aback, RW then said something about it being a word that may be in the dictionary. He then asked the second contestant for his word (this guy had also declared a score of 7):

    "that's a pair of w******, then Richard."

    RW was now floundering, and suggested he wasn't sure what the word meant.

    At this point, you could hear Giles Brandreth (from Dictionary Corner) ask "Why is Richard asking what a w***** is?"

    Funny it should have been cut, really...
     
  9. t-force

    t-force
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    I'm quite partial to Ace Ventura's line to Courtney Cox's character in Pet Detective:

    "Yeah? And you're ugly!"

    Just wonderfully simple.:smashin:
     
  10. Lex

    Lex
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    Cant remember what the film was called - I saw it on tv years ago - it was made in the 70s and it had Sean Connery in it - I think it was about a giant asteroid heading for Earth...

    Anyway there was a General or somebody issueing loads of orders/work at Sean Connery, and Sean replied "Why don't I just shove a broom up my arse and then I can sweep the floor on my way out!"

    Cracked me up - mind you I was about 10 at the time! :laugh:
     
  11. nathan_silly

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    It was Meteor.
     
  12. Apocalypse

    Apocalypse
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    I think it was simply called "Meteor", saw it last year I think.

    Another good one is from Striptease. Burt reynolds plays the part of a very pervy Senator/Governor, Demi Moore knows this so when the assistant to the Governor speaks to Demi Moore you get this exchange :

    <Assistant> I'm the Governor's right hand man

    <Demi> You must be a busy man then

    <Assistant> Touche
     
  13. TheBigApple

    TheBigApple
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    Yeah, well..................you know....................................that's just like.......................your opinion.............man.

    The Dude :smoke:
     
  14. mikeburns

    mikeburns
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    The best one is an old Victor Meldrew one: -

    " We are just not talking the same language. I am talking English and you complete ********"
     
  15. mikeburns

    mikeburns
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    I have been edited !! The ******** should be [Swear word removed Please do not use alternate character to circumvent swear word filter in future.] :nono:
     
  16. Ian J

    Ian J
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    From Predator "I ain't got time to bleed"
     
  17. Gambit

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    From Monty Python QFTHG - "it's just a flesh wound"
     
  18. Confucius

    Confucius
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    Plenty from the King of Cops:

    Harry Callahan: Here's a seven point suppository.
    Capt McKay: What do you mean?
    Harry Callahan: I mean stick it up your ass.


    Harry Callahan: Personnel? That's for assholes!
    Capt McKay: I was in Personnel for ten years.
    Harry Callahan: Yeah.


    Harry Callahan: May I comment something?
    Capt McKay: What is it?
    Harry Callahan: You mouthwash ain't makin' it.


    Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the *******. That's my policy.
    The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
    Harry Callahan: When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!


    The Mayor: Well let's have it.
    Harry Callahan: Have what?
    The Mayor: A report! What have you been doing?
    Harry Callahan: Well, for the past three quarters of an hour I've been sitting on my ass in your outer office waiting on you!
     
  19. timothyw

    timothyw
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    Conan - What gods do you pray to?
    Subotai - I pray to the four winds. And You?
    Conan - To Crom. But I seldom pray to him. He doesn't listen.
    Subotai - (laughs) What good is he then? Its just as I've always said.
    Conan - He's strong. If I die, I have to go before him and he will ask, "What's the rule of steel?" If I don't know it he will cast me out of valhalla and laugh at me. That's Crom. Strong on his mountain.
    Subotai - Yeah, I got his crater.
    Conan - Hah. Crom laughs at your Four Winds. He laughs from his mountain.
    Subotai - My god is stronger. He is the everlasting sky. Your god lives underneath him.

    A classic I'm sure you all agree...
     
  20. Sgt.Colon

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    For Uncle Buck when he goes to see the headmistress and this is his closing line.

    I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

    Classic
    :smashin:
     
  21. Confucius

    Confucius
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    The quotes were 'cut and pastes'.

    Therefore having left it in, and since it wasn't filtered by the board's software, I thought nothing more of it.

    One should note that the word is not necessarily a swear word, it is used on several occasions in shows such as 'The Simpsons', for example.

    You should also note that I'm not arguing - you'd know if I was! - just explaining why it was left in.
     
  22. nathan_silly

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    like **** for example, it's in the dictionary.
     
  23. Confucius

    Confucius
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    But not, on the other hand, in pre-watershed television shows, like that which was edited from my original post.

    I should opine that the word cut 'n' pasted by myself is no worse thean 'dick-head', used in the first post of this very thread, for example.
     
  24. nathan_silly

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    ass is usually said alot in simpsons. hmm wonder if I'll be blanked out?
     
  25. Confucius

    Confucius
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    Apparently not. Not yet, anyway.
     
  26. nathan_silly

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    Don't see the point of blanking it out- 10 year old kids are more foul mouthed than groups.

    And if you take offense to four letter words you've had a sheltered life.

    As Eric Cartman would say "****, ****-****idy **** ****" What's the big ****ing deal?
     
  27. Confucius

    Confucius
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    Actually I do agree with censorship on a public board which could easily be frequented by minors - and perhaps of more importance it's against forum rules anyway.

    I just think that if the swear filter isn't filtering whatever was written, then whatever was written can hardly be described as swearing - unless it's written in such a way as to try and circumvent the filter in the first place - which I plainly wasn't attempting to do.
     
  28. laurathegenie

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    Anything said by Homer, some very funny moments from current series of Friends particuarly when Ross and Rachel get locked out of the flat,
    Rachel: Oh my god, i think i left the stove on!
    Ross: Rachel, you haven't cooked since 1996.

    Also as said earlier, Buffy rules with the one liners. :devil:

    Laura
     
  29. fluffrick

    fluffrick
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    ...the screenwriter, Shane Black.

    He's the guy that wrote such erudite-yet-foul-mouthed, tough-guy classics like the original "Lethal Weapon", "The Last Boy Scout" (where my signature comes from), and my favourite for one-liners, "The Long Kiss Goodnight". He also worked on "Last Action Hero", but everyone has bad days, I guess.;)

    Having just spent a paragraph eulogising his talents, I now realise that I can recount very few of his best lines because of the aforementioned potty-mouth syndrome and the public nature of this forum.

    Trust me, though - He's a hilariously cynical old so-and-so.

    For examples of his genius, why not check out Brian Cox's monologue about cat hygiene in "The Long Kiss...", Geena Davis' retort to a guy who thinks that he's got the drop on her in that same movie and Bruce Willis' dialogue from the entire "Last Boy Scout" script.

    Maybe it's just a bloke thing...
     
  30. lightningvictim

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    Don't know about films but I was in a meeting once where one of my colleagues yawned.
    The presenter said "Sorry, am I keeping you awake"
    which recieve a few chortles but when the yawner replied "Only just" the room of about 12 people just cracked up!!!!!!
     

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