Relieving partner of stress / job

Dancook

Distinguished Member
My partner is upset to the point of crying, she really doesn't like where she works. She has lows and very lows, so it's not always like this.

I would like to say she can hand in her notice, I'll take care of bills whilst she looks for a new job.

It's a rather emotional reaction, wanting to protect her, make her happy.

Would it be silly? it'll give her more time to dedicate to job hunting and make going to interview easier - as well as filling positions more urgently if required.

However whilst she does what she does well, 'clerical' type work is hardly niche.

She could do some things around the house to keep her busy, painting the new bathroom and tidying the garden!

Good or bad idea?
 

a l e x

Distinguished Member
Could you afford to live on just one wage?

If it means you'll struggle then that's just going to cause stress again.
 

Dancook

Distinguished Member
Could you afford to live on just one wage?

If it means you'll struggle then that's just going to cause stress again.
My savings each month are almost what she earns - and she has enough for savings herself.

I will have to put any luxury purchases on hold, but otherwise I think we'd be ok - even with the wedding coming up next year
 

chippyteaforme

Well-known Member
I've always been like that, and part of the issue for me was an underlying medical issue (suffice to say the meds help somewhat!) which meant I couldn't cope with situations / environments that others perhaps wouldn't see as a problem. I'm obviously not suggesting that your partner has a medical issue which might be causing her feelings, but that it's something you might consider looking in to.

I'd also say it is always best to find alternative work before walking out of a job, otherwise it is all too easy to fall into the trap of vegetating at home - I should know, I've been there before several times. I had DIY stuff planned, and it kept getting put to the back of the queue. Having said that, with you to keep an eye on her and keep her motivated, you would probably be OK.

One option would be for her to actually discuss her concerns with her employer - ideally you need at least one manager that you can actually 'talk' to and don't despise for this to work.

That's just my experience though.
 

blue max

Distinguished Member
If you have always had a job, not having one can be very difficult to cope with.

Perhaps the process of preparing her self for an interview may give her the motivation to see it through. I'd also advise getting another position first.

Hope it works out for you both.
 

Dancook

Distinguished Member
I've always been like that, and part of the issue for me was an underlying medical issue (suffice to say the meds help somewhat!) which meant I couldn't cope with situations / environments that others perhaps wouldn't see as a problem. I'm obviously not suggesting that your partner has a medical issue which might be causing her feelings, but that it's something you might consider looking in to.
I have talked to her about seeing a counsellor, since I saw one for depression and stress management and it helped. I believe she probably needs it more than I did, yet mentioning it just has it backfire in my face!

I'm not sure whether work is the root of her depression, but it could be bereavement too.
 

liamt

Member
beware. i know lots of women that have done this and they never worked again and just relied on the other half.

why does she hate her job so much? or is she just a bit.... erm... no offence but 'wet'?

us men generally dont get the option to not work because we dont like it as we are the ones who pay the bills, mortgage etc.

no offence here mate just make sure its not just down to her knowing you can bring in the money and she doesnt have to. i saw my mum do the same thing and let my dad work his ass off whilst she spent the money and had lovely coffee mornings with her mates.

also, do not lift a finger around the house if you are out working 10 hours a day and she is sat in the house. fair enough when both are working but being a housewife is bloody easy (nowhere 10 hours a day) unless there are kids which make it much harder.

sorry to sound like a male chauvinist but in this day and age with all the washing machines, tumble driers and dishwashers its not that much work to be a housewife.

if she is just clerical i assume there will be plenty of other jobs. also remember if she walks out you will get zero help in terms of benefits (such as dole). would she prefer a larger company or a smaller one? smaller can be bad if you dont like your colleagues but bigger is often less friendly. i much prefer smaller companies as long as everyone is ok.
 

liamt

Member
I'm not sure whether work is the root of her depression, but it could be bereavement too.
that could well be the issue. some people really stress over any job. if she is just clerical what about finding a job that she enjoys with less stress?
 

chippyteaforme

Well-known Member
I have talked to her about seeing a counsellor, since I saw one for depression and stress management and it helped. I believe she probably needs it more than I did, yet mentioning it just has it backfire in my face!

I'm not sure whether work is the root of her depression, but it could be bereavement too.
My old employer was utterly disgraceful - a horrible, horrible company, I once blew up at the MD and HR boss because they couldn't see an issue with enforcing their 'forced overtime' policy on an 8 month pregnant Polish girl, who was working 12+ hour shifts and ending up in tears. In fact I blew up at them several times. I was quite happy when they shut the place down, because I was in a constant limbo of 'should I / shouldn't I just walk out?!'.

One shift ended up being 23 hours, they started at 11:00 and when we came in at 11:00 the following day to start our shift, we were amazed to find some of our colleagues from the other shift walking around like zombies.

Anyway, I was struggling with it, and went to see the one boss I liked, came away with 6 private counselling sessions and they were literally a minutes walk from my house. Just sitting down with someone and talking things through did help somewhat, and it was paid for by the company. It could also help narrow down possible causes, I'd say bereavement (even if not the root of the problem) could easily push someone over the edge.
 

Philly112

Distinguished Member
I think that we all get to a stage where we want to walk out at some point in our lives.
Re her stopping at home etc - I would suggest nipping down to a charity shop and volunteering 2-3 days a week. It would keep her busy, still allow plenty of time to look for another job, be good for her CV, and still leave her time to completely redecorate the house top to bottom!
She'll also get the pick of all the best stuff at Oxfam or wherever :smashin:

Phil
 

Phil57

Well-known Member
Remember the saying 'it's easier to find a job whilst in a job.'
 

Dancook

Distinguished Member
she makes up excuses about not having time to go to counselling because of work..

I think, I'm going to tactfully suggest that she speaks to her employer and say she needs to take time for counselling.

If at the end of that, it is just her job that gets her down - we can consider the next step.

She is looking for jobs on and off anyway.

thanks all.
 
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Orson

Moderator
If the job is getting her down that much, get her to walk away from it.

It sounds like you're reasonably ok with the financial impact of it, which is one of the main areas that can cause more stress, so that should be okay.
If she's had a recent bereavement, and she's got your wedding to plan for, it may all be getting a bit much for her, and by removing a big contributing factor, it may help relieve the pressure.
If it doesn't, it may highlight that it really wasn't the job that was causing the stress, but probably the bereavement, and at least you can then deal with that.

From my own point of view, a few years ago I was in a very good, well paid long term job, but I had been very unhappy for a long time, and I ended up walking out on a matter of principle, and never felt better, even though we couldn't really afford it. My wife was absolutely amazing about it all, and we were happier, but less well off, so we just 'cut our cloth' accordingly.
 

Ste7en

Distinguished Member
If you can cover the loss of her income by what you put away each month I'd say it will be a much better investment than any luxury purchase you would squander your cash on. How many lenses do you need? :)

But best to get back on the horse sooner rather than later and start looking for a new job within a few weeks.
 

Epicurus

Well-known Member
When I was younger I did something similar and offered to support a girlfriend for a short space of time while she looked for another job. Instead she spent too much time at my house which just made her more depressed and this turned to resentment for letting her quit her job. What started as an act of kindness from me turned into a reason to hate me for her.

I had a hard time moving her out of my house and decided I would never do anything like that again.

The difference in your situation is that you are engaged and surely a lot closer than I was with this girlfriend from years ago, but people (ok women!) can react in unexpected ways!
 

Duncan G

Well-known Member
she makes up excuses about not having time to go to counselling because of work..

I think, I'm going to tactfully suggest that she speaks to her employer and say she needs to take time for counselling.

If at the end of that, it is just her job that gets her down - we can consider the next step.

She is looking for jobs on and off anyway.

thanks all.
I would suggest she takes sick leave from the job so you both can sort out the root cause of her problem.
 

DrPhil

Distinguished Member
I was in this situation late last year. My wife was having a really bad time at work and was struggling with the pressure. Most days I collected her from work she was crying or had been earlier. She took a week off at one stage due to stress but hated being off because the work was only piling up for her to return to.

I did the math and figured that at a push, she could quit her job and we would cope but in reality it was clutching at straws. In theory my wages would have got us through, (plus her second job) but the fact is any time we had an extra like car tax, insurance etc we would struggle. And we would have absolutely no disposable income.

In the end she stuck it out and I'm actually glad she did. She felt that not only was it too close for comfort surviving on the reduced income, she thought that at some level, even subconsciously, I would resent her for quitting work and leaving me to work my ass off while she sat at home. Possibly some truth in that.

She also thought that she would feel like a quitter and she's too stubborn to accept that. Now she is coping much better in work, still hates it but no more than most people hate their jobs!

I'm a few years we will be in a position whereby she could quit without putting pressure on us, but we have agreed that should we reach that point, we would both reduce our hours rather than one quit and the other stay full time. That way we would both benefit from less work and less hassle.
 
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Thug

Moderator
she makes up excuses about not having time to go to counselling because of work..

I think, I'm going to tactfully suggest that she speaks to her employer and say she needs to take time for counselling.

If at the end of that, it is just her job that gets her down - we can consider the next step.

She is looking for jobs on and off anyway.

thanks all.
I hear this a lot in regards to other things (like exercise, cleaning etc).
If she is working more than say 15 hours a day I can understand it, otherwise its excuses.
I work 12 hour shifts and out the house for over 13 hours, yet I still have time to do an hour at the gym after work.
If you want something, you WILL find time.
Some people actually like to moan about things as it makes them feel better. In fact we all do at some point.

My wife was made redundant (twice so far) and was out of work for a year each time. Luckily (if I can call it that) we had savings of about 5 grand that went towards the bills so never really struggled (just unfortunately lost most of our savings).
She got too used to staying at home and the longer this went on the harder it was to get motivated.
It came to the point when I said that we had enough money to maybe last a month or 2 then we would struggle with bills, so this forced her hand into finding a job (through an agency).

Most of us have had a job that we despise at some point in our lives, you just have to keep looking and applying for others and hope that one day it will get better.
 

m1stergeorge

Well-known Member
I hear you mate.

My other half is in a similar position and she just isn't the person I met 5 years ago and it's all to do with her job. She wants out and the number of times I've had to calm her down over the phone is unreal. She's great at what she does, there is just no support.

As a result, she has an interview next week and due to feeling so against her current job, I can't help but feel she is putting all her eggs in one basket.

In answer to your question though, yes. If I could afford it, I would tell her to resign and we would survive on what money we had. It would give her time to recuperate, find a new job and potentially educate herself for another industry. I just wish I was in that position to do so.
 

Ruperts slippers

Distinguished Member
beware. i know lots of women that have done this and they never worked again and just relied on the other half.

why does she hate her job so much? or is she just a bit.... erm... no offence but 'wet'?

us men generally dont get the option to not work because we dont like it as we are the ones who pay the bills, mortgage etc.

no offence here mate just make sure its not just down to her knowing you can bring in the money and she doesnt have to. i saw my mum do the same thing and let my dad work his ass off whilst she spent the money and had lovely coffee mornings with her mates.

also, do not lift a finger around the house if you are out working 10 hours a day and she is sat in the house. fair enough when both are working but being a housewife is bloody easy (nowhere 10 hours a day) unless there are kids which make it much harder.

sorry to sound like a male chauvinist but in this day and age with all the washing machines, tumble driers and dishwashers its not that much work to be a housewife.

if she is just clerical i assume there will be plenty of other jobs. also remember if she walks out you will get zero help in terms of benefits (such as dole). would she prefer a larger company or a smaller one? smaller can be bad if you dont like your colleagues but bigger is often less friendly. i much prefer smaller companies as long as everyone is ok.
Haha might copy and paste that post and pop it on mumsnet...

As for the op, turn the question round on its head, if you asked your partner for some support what kind of response would you like..?
 

FZR400RRSP

Banned
beware. i know lots of women that have done this and they never worked again and just relied on the other half.

why does she hate her job so much? or is she just a bit.... erm... no offence but 'wet'?

us men generally dont get the option to not work because we dont like it as we are the ones who pay the bills, mortgage etc.

no offence here mate just make sure its not just down to her knowing you can bring in the money and she doesnt have to. i saw my mum do the same thing and let my dad work his ass off whilst she spent the money and had lovely coffee mornings with her mates.

also, do not lift a finger around the house if you are out working 10 hours a day and she is sat in the house. fair enough when both are working but being a housewife is bloody easy (nowhere 10 hours a day) unless there are kids which make it much harder.

sorry to sound like a male chauvinist but in this day and age with all the washing machines, tumble driers and dishwashers its not that much work to be a housewife.
I'm completely in agreement with the above.
I've always said to my wife, barring a lottery win or illness, I would always expect her to go out and do something that earned a crust, regardless of what I earned.
Where we live, I know plenty of blokes who go out and earn damned good money, whilst the wives fill their days with, well, nothing.:confused:
The kids are at school, most of them even have cleaners.:rolleyes:
If pushed and 'liberated' with a few pints, most of these blokes spill the beans that it bugs the crap out of them.
The thought of me working away whilst my wife clicks through the Next website and waits for 'Loose Women' on TV drives me bonkers.:nono:

In response to the OP, definitely a case of helping her quit that job, but not getting used to being a 'kept woman'.
 

liamt

Member
Haha might copy and paste that post and pop it on mumsnet...

As for the op, turn the question round on its head, if you asked your partner for some support what kind of response would you like..?
:) do ittttt lol.

as i say, its much harder with a kid around but lots of housewives only do maybe 2 hours work a day. i certainly wouldnt be happy working 10 hour days then coming home and finding out the other half has had 2 extra hours in bed, stuck the pots in the dishwasher and then put some washing on. not exactly too strenuous is it

lets face it, many of us have been single and had to work full time and do all the housework ourselves. i managed to do all mine in a couple of hours on a sunday.
 

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