RAF Squawks

Razor

Member
I saw this on another forum and it made me laugh so I thought I would post it up here. :)


Squawks are problems noted on paper by RAF pilots and left for maintenance crews who fill in the replies.

Here are some examples: (P) = Problem (S) = Solution


• (P) Left inside tyre almost needs replacement
• (S) Almost replaced left inside tyre

• (P) Test flight okay except Autoland very rough
• (S) Autoland not fitted on this aircraft

• (P) No 2 Propeller seeping hydraulic fluid
• (S) No 2 Propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 lack normal seepage
•
• (P) Something loose in cockpit
• (S) Something tightened in cockpit
•
• (P) Evidence of hydraulic fluid leak on main right landing gear
• (S) Removed evidence of hydraulic fluid leak on main right landing gear
•
• (P) DME Volume unbelievably loud
• (S) DME Volume set to more believable level
•
• (P) Dead insects on wind-shield
• (S) Live insects on order

• (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
• (S) Unable to reproduce problem on ground

• (P) IFF inoperative
• (S) IFF always inoperative when set to OFF mode

• (P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick
• (S) That is what they are supposed to do

• (P) No 3 engine missing
• (S) No 3 engine found after brief search of right wing

• (P) Aircraft handles funny
• (S) Aircraft told to be serious

• (P) Target radar hums
• (S) Target radar reprogrammed with the right words
 

KhalJimbo

Distinguished Member
LOL

Thats brilliant
 

gibbsy

Moderator
Nice one.:rotfl::rotfl:
 

Sniper Ash6

Distinguished Member
They're brilliant! Certainly gave me a good laugh

Cheers Razor :smashin:
 

vader100

Well-known Member
Part of my job is dealing with these faults. Sometimes you really want to put down replies like those, pilots need a good slap at times.

We often save up the more inane fault entries and put up spoof replies on the noticeboard for them to see. Many of them do involve the ON/OFF switch.:laugh:
 

Mr Incredible

Distinguished Member
A few flying maxims.....

• When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.

• Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are
submarines in the sky.

• Never trade luck for skill.

• The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and " Ooh !!!"

• Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

• Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

• Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
the flight.

• A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication.

• I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

• Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

• If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.

• Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee. (Flaring is the action of lifting the nose and hence attack angle of the wing to the air prior to landing.)

• Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

• When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

• Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on
a sunny day.

• Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity
as slowly and gently as possible.

• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

• A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

• If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

• If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the *******
down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

• Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at
80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location Kadena, Japan). The SR-71, Blackbird, fastest spy plane ever built.

• You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)

• Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

• There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

• The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in
life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author
unknown, but someone who's been there)

• "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320). Glass cockpit refers to the all electronic displays introduced on the Airbus series.

• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

• Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

• Basic Flying Rules
Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

• You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal.
 

Razor

Member

blasted

Novice Member
We stuck mainly to:

NFF - No Fault Found.
UTRF - Unable to reproduce fault.

Otherwise we got a telling off and had to re write the entire page.
 

John

Moderator
There is no kettle in my room

Where is my taxi (without looking out the window)

What do I wear tomorrow


I could go on , but might want to write a book one day
 

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