Proof Old Folk Are Far From Dull.

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by indianwells, May 3, 2007.

  1. indianwells

    Well-known Member

    Jul 14, 2006
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    Anna Kournikova's Bicycle Seat.
    A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank.

    The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

    Dear Sir,
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
    funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
    deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for
    only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
    opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
    inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
    caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
    attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
    confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
    entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only
    to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
    at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 9
    9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

    Yeah, yeah I know it's probably an urban legend. Still made me smile!
  2. lisa burrell

    lisa burrell

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    A woman visits her father whos very elderly who has just been put in an old folks home.

    Asking the nurse hows he coming along. Says hes fine

    We get him out of bed at 8 give him his breakfast let him sleep in the chair wake him up for lunch,

    Let him sleep all afternoon

    give him his evening meal.

    Then we give Him horlicks and a viagra and

    hang on says his Daughter! "A viagra" ?

    Oh yes said the nurse

    It stops him rolling out of bed!

    [email protected]~~

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