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Opening joke for Best Man Speech


Active Member
I'm best man for my mate's wedding this weekend. I've written a speech but I'm not too happy with the opening joke. Since this sets the tone for the whole speech I've been scouring the web for alternatives but without success. Anyone care to suggest me any punch one-liners???:D

ush flynn

Well-known Member
on the radio Vernon kay described his pals best man speech at someone elses wedding. It goes along the lines of this
" Ive been warned not to go into detail about *insert grooms name*' s past record. But what a coincidence 146 is his lucky number!!"

Edit: wrote peter instead of vernon

But to explain if it needs explaining. Best men usually make crack at the grooms ex's in the build up to saying how special the bride is. well the coincidence thing is about the bride being his 146th lover/gf and he just made up that its also his lucky number!

I cant believe im explaining... its really ruined it for me now!


Active Member
how about" ive enjoyed myself so much i hope i get invited too his next one!."

Bristol Pete

Well-known Member
Usual stuff,

mention that the honeymoon flight was nice and cheap but the first ten miles are going to be spent crop spraying!

Say that the newly weds have a waterbed but you are concerned that they may drift apart!

say that the groom confided in you, stating that the mother in law doesnt like him and the fact he had spaghetti letters on toast spelling **** off on toast the first time he went round for dinner was a give away.

ush flynn

Well-known Member
How about something like " The groom wanted my speech to be just perfect, to capture you all, make you laugh, make you cry and make you feel joyous. I was mostly ****** this week so he wrote one for me... and it goes a little summin like this..."


Distinguished Member
What about-
What a happy duty it is to welcome the new baby into this World ..... oh hang on, no, that's the Christening speech for next month


Distinguished Member
"Weddings are very very emotional, even the cake is in tears (tiers)."

That is assuming that the cake does have tiers of course.:rotfl:



Active Member
I used the following...

Firstly, i would like to say that (insert grooms name), i'm sure every body here today believes, that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert brides name) hand in marriage. We all know that (insert brides name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.

One person laughed!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


Distinguished Member
I was a best man last year, and just a few days before the wedding asked other mates and family of the groom to email me photos/scanned photos of him from age zero to the present --- then on a drunken evening over much vino in just a couple of hours, I put together a powerpoint slideshow, including doctored pics, well known lookylikeys, a few accidental 'how did that get in there' type dodgy pics (of the bride), dodgy ones of myself (self-deprecating, and for a good balance) all in chronological order, with the This Is Your Life theme tune embedded at the start (mp3 from TV Cream). My slideshow commentary (i.e. the speech) contained running gags on his facial hair and head hairstyles over the years, his love of crisps and Fosters shandy, regular compliments to the bride, comedy captions, fictional/'controversial' incidents etc.

(to actually address your post....) I started the whole speech with .... [the groom] is one of the kindest people I know, and so too is [the bride], only with less facial hair... (it did get big laughs, honest ;)).
As for my prepared commentary/speech; as I had got fairly drunk, there was a lot of ad libbing, as I could hardly read, but that actually added to the entertainment, and the audience being fairly drunk/happy generously laughed and clapped which also put me at ease.

The venue had a laptop projector, so it was very very easy to set up.


What about...."you are summoned to appear at ...." then ..opps ,"sorry wrong piece of paper"
later...."he was like a strawberry without the cream....i am glad he has found the cream"

bit corny,but it went down o.k:)


Active Member
Thanks all :thumbsup:, keep 'em coming. The coke one is the one I have. I've seen the hitched site and of the ones that open on a joke there only seem to be a couple used - hence the question. The warm paper being the other one. The tiers one I saw on one site as one not to use:rotfl: I've got the rest of it sussed just after as funny an opener as possible.

Duncan G

Well-known Member
"Theres lots of letters of congratulations so I will read out a couple. "the first is for the Bride from the G.U.M clinic otherwise known as the clap shop, Dear...... Your test result came back positive. Please refrain for sexual contact for 6 months."

"The next is for the Groom from Sue,Grabbit and Runn. Solicitors. Dear.... We regreat to have to tell you that due to a clerical error your Divorce Absolut did not go through as we thought and it will take 12 to 24 months to corrcet the error.".


Active Member
Before I started with the jokes, I won everyone round by saying

"Let me start off by saying the bridesmaids look lovely today and only rightly outshone by the bride" Everyone ahh, maybe clap you then say " Now thats the niceities (sp) over with................"

Dan Smiffy

If your mate isn't the slimmest lad in the world but isn't too touchy about it either: "I think it's great that [groom] decided to get into shape for his wedding. It's just a shame the shape he chose was a circle".


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