New Family Friendly Joke Thread

lovemunkey187

Active Member
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.

"ME."
 

GalacticaActual

Distinguished Member
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".
 

FruitBat

Well-known Member
One I've not heard before. No doubt someone will tell me it's an old one. I couldn't be bothered Anglicising it.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down.

When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all
his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity." He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable.

The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
 
M

mikeq

Guest
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

One.

But the light bulb has to want to change.
 

Knyght_byte

Distinguished Member
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

One.

But the light bulb has to want to change.

Or...

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb

None.

The lightbulb has no way of paying for the session so why bother?
 

barijohn

Active Member
2 budgies on a perch, 1 says, "can you smell fish?"

:rotfl: :rotfl: This is my favourite joke! Works better when spoken though as no-one gets it! :D

An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when
he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a
machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also
manned by a man with a machine gun.
He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and
put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which
he shot down.
On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the
captain immediately.
'You idiot !' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're
in a load of trouble'.
'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!'
'I know that!' said the captain, 'but they were Allied Carpets!

Boom Boom!!
 

OneEyedStuart

Distinguished Member
One which no doubt has been said on here before but I still enjoy it. Only works when written down...

"There's 10 types of people who understand binary...
Those who do and those who do not!"

KH
 

Chris Muriel

Distinguished Member
One which no doubt has been said on here before but I still enjoy it. Only works when written down...

"There's 10 types of people who understand binary...
Those who do and those who do not!"

KH

On a similar theme :
Q) What goes "pieces of 7, pieces of seven" ?

A) A parroty error

Chris Muriel, Manchester
 

kevandalice

Active Member
One which no doubt has been said on here before but I still enjoy it. Only works when written down...

"There's 10 types of people who understand binary...
Those who do and those who do not!"

KH

good joke but you've written it slightly wrong, it shoud be:

there's 10 types of people in the world
those who understand binary and those who don't!!
 

INSOMANiAC

Banned
My favourite joke -

A meat and potato pie walks into a bar,
'Ill have a pint please mate'

Barman says
'sorry, we dont serve food.' :rotfl:

Gets me everytime
 

INSOMANiAC

Banned
One which no doubt has been said on here before but I still enjoy it. Only works when written down...

"There's 10 types of people who understand binary...
Those who do and those who do not!"

KH


Reminds me of a rather poor joke I made up ages ago

Q.How many innumerates does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.Radish
 

hot-fuzz

Banned
Bloke goes to the Dentist and says "i feel like a moth"
The Dentist replies "I think you want the Doctors next door"
The man replies "i know, but your light was on"

:thumbsup:
 

Knyght_byte

Distinguished Member
Bloke goes to the Dentist and says "i feel like a moth"
The Dentist replies "I think you want the Doctors next door"
The man replies "i know, but your light was on"

:thumbsup:

:rotfl: :clap: :rotfl: :clap:
 

MARTYB2K

Banned
A bloke goes to the doctors and says "doctor i have really bad wind, i can't stop farting!".

The doctor gets up and walks to the corner of the room where he picks up a long stick with a hook on the end. The man says "what the hell are you going to do with that???!"

The doctor says "im going to open that window you stink!"

LOL. :rotfl:
 

INSOMANiAC

Banned
Paddy goes to B&Q, strolls over to one of the shelf stackers and says'

"I'd like 16,000 bricks please for my barbecue"

The Shelf stacker looks stunned,

"I dont think youll need 16,000 bricks to build a barbecue sir" he says.

"I will" says Paddy "I live on the 14 th floor"
 

raigraphixs

Distinguished Member
A lion walks into a bar and says can i have a ...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................


The barman says; "Why the big pause?"






The lion replies; "i was born with them". :)







..
 

sleepyone

Active Member
A horse walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and starts to cry into it.

The barman asks him 'Why the long face?'
 

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