New Family Friendly Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by lovemunkey187, Aug 3, 2006.

  1. lovemunkey187

    lovemunkey187
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    A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

    Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

    "Hello."

    "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

    Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.

    "ME."
     
  2. GalacticaActual

    GalacticaActual
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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

    Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars".

    Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

    Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".
     
  3. FruitBat

    FruitBat
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    One I've not heard before. No doubt someone will tell me it's an old one. I couldn't be bothered Anglicising it.

     
  4. Alun

    Alun
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    2 budgies on a perch, 1 says, "can you smell fish?"
     
  5. cbemoore

    cbemoore
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    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
     
  6. ufitsy

    ufitsy
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    Reminds me of the Name a fish,10 letters begins and ending with K. Answer is Kilmarnock - its a place.
     
  7. mikeq

    mikeq
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    How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

    One.

    But the light bulb has to want to change.
     
  8. Knyght_byte

    Knyght_byte
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    Or...

    How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb

    None.

    The lightbulb has no way of paying for the session so why bother?
     
  9. barijohn

    barijohn
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    :rotfl: :rotfl: This is my favourite joke! Works better when spoken though as no-one gets it! :D

    An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when
    he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a
    machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also
    manned by a man with a machine gun.
    He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and
    put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which
    he shot down.
    On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the
    captain immediately.
    'You idiot !' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're
    in a load of trouble'.
    'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!'
    'I know that!' said the captain, 'but they were Allied Carpets!

    Boom Boom!!
     
  10. OneEyedStuart

    OneEyedStuart
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    One which no doubt has been said on here before but I still enjoy it. Only works when written down...

    "There's 10 types of people who understand binary...
    Those who do and those who do not!"

    KH
     
  11. Chris Muriel

    Chris Muriel
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    On a similar theme :
    Q) What goes "pieces of 7, pieces of seven" ?

    A) A parroty error

    Chris Muriel, Manchester
     
  12. kevandalice

    kevandalice
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    good joke but you've written it slightly wrong, it shoud be:

    there's 10 types of people in the world
    those who understand binary and those who don't!!
     
  13. INSOMANiAC

    INSOMANiAC
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    My favourite joke -

    A meat and potato pie walks into a bar,
    'Ill have a pint please mate'

    Barman says
    'sorry, we dont serve food.' :rotfl:

    Gets me everytime
     
  14. INSOMANiAC

    INSOMANiAC
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    Reminds me of a rather poor joke I made up ages ago

    Q.How many innumerates does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A.Radish
     
  15. hot-fuzz

    hot-fuzz
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    Bloke goes to the Dentist and says "i feel like a moth"
    The Dentist replies "I think you want the Doctors next door"
    The man replies "i know, but your light was on"

    :thumbsup:
     
  16. jakebev

    jakebev
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    two men were caught curry sniffing the other night

    one died, the other's in a korma
     
  17. Knyght_byte

    Knyght_byte
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    :rotfl: :clap: :rotfl: :clap:
     
  18. hot-fuzz

    hot-fuzz
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    Have you heard about the new Chicken Tarka?

    Its like a Tikka but a little Otter (hotter)

    :thumbsup:
     
  19. MARTYB2K

    MARTYB2K
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    A bloke goes to the doctors and says "doctor i have really bad wind, i can't stop farting!".

    The doctor gets up and walks to the corner of the room where he picks up a long stick with a hook on the end. The man says "what the hell are you going to do with that???!"

    The doctor says "im going to open that window you stink!"

    LOL. :rotfl:
     
  20. INSOMANiAC

    INSOMANiAC
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    Paddy goes to B&Q, strolls over to one of the shelf stackers and says'

    "I'd like 16,000 bricks please for my barbecue"

    The Shelf stacker looks stunned,

    "I dont think youll need 16,000 bricks to build a barbecue sir" he says.

    "I will" says Paddy "I live on the 14 th floor"
     
  21. signs

    signs
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    Whats "ET" short for ?





















    because he has small legs :rolleyes:
     
  22. raigraphixs

    raigraphixs
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    A lion walks into a bar and says can i have a ...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................


    The barman says; "Why the big pause?"






    The lion replies; "i was born with them". :)







    ..
     
  23. cbemoore

    cbemoore
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    A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.........






    ..
     
  24. sleepyone

    sleepyone
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    Two cannibals eating a clown.

    One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
     
  25. sleepyone

    sleepyone
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    A horse walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and starts to cry into it.

    The barman asks him 'Why the long face?'
     

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