Need a laugh? - Inexperienced Curry Judge

Dextur

Distinguished Member
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal 'Indians') that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s##t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****** from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh!t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 

BISHI

Well-known Member
Creative and appropriate use of a snow cone.. That made me spit coffee everywhere.
 

PocketBunny

Well-known Member
Great post! Laughed so much, my eyes leaked
 

IronGiant

Moderator
there's a Chilli judge version on the net as well, but I've no idea which one is the original both are funny :thumbsup:

Edit: way too slow posting, thanks for finding it dvdphile :clap:
 

Tom1986

Well-known Member
I only got to quote number 3 so far and can't stop laughing. At work though so need to keep it down, so will save the rest for later. Quality :smashin:
 

liamt

Member
he should have just had some milk instead. works for me when i eat something too hot?

hasnt this been around for years? im sure ive read it before
 

liamt

Member
LOL, way to enjoy the humor :D



Apparently yes was tweaked from a chilli version.

yeah, it wasnt new though.

also i wanted to point out that milk really helps with hot curry, or yoghurt. some people dont know
 

SBT

Banned
yeah, it wasnt new though.

also i wanted to point out that milk really helps with hot curry, or yoghurt. some people dont know

Or just don't eat something that's so hot it blows your head off :laugh:

I don't mind it spicy,but when it's so hot it hurts,i don't see the point.
 

liamt

Member
Or just don't eat something that's so hot it blows your head off :laugh:

I don't mind it spicy,but when it's so hot it hurts,i don't see the point.

+1

if i go for curry i now go for spicy but tasty. usually less hot than a madras but sometimes stuff is hotter than you think, hence the drink yoghurt or milk.

anyway, enough of me being boring, back to the nuclear fission curry farts :)
 

liamt

Member
I'm not a great Curry lover,so i would probably be like judge #3 :laugh:

me too. madras is the hottest i would go for. generally its a Kazuri at our local which ive never found anywhere else.
 

logiciel

Moderator
All I get from this is confirmation of my belief that curry is junk, and not fit to look at, let alone eat.
 

dvdphile

Well-known Member
Agreed,something that looks the same coming out as it does going in,shouldn't be eaten :D

Would that rule out sweetcorn then too??;)
 

cornish

Novice Member
and the mean judges 1 and 2 never told judge 3 he should have put some bog roll in the freezer for the following morning.......

his pants full of larva to match his shirt had me :rotfl:
 

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