Mysteries of Life

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by lisa burrell, Jan 2, 2007.

  1. lisa burrell

    lisa burrell
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    sorry have to do this yawn .... for those who seen this before sorry. But it made me chuckle


    Mysteries of Life

    1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

    2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?

    3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not one in the freezer?

    4. If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?

    5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    6. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    8. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

    9. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    10. What do you call male ballerinas?

    11. Can blind people see their dreams?

    12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?

    13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    14. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

    15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    16. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

    17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a "wet paint" sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

    18. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    19. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

    20. Why do the alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

    21. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

    22. Why do they call it an 'asteroid' when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a 'hemorrhoid' when it's inside your ass?

    23. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


    Oxymorons!

    01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

    05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    06. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    07. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

    08. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

    09. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

    10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

    12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

    13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

    14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

    15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

    16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

    17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

    21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

    22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

    23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

    27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
     
  2. ush flynn

    ush flynn
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    number 22 of the mysteries of life is wrong. They used the word hemisphere instead of atmostphere or stratosphere. Hemisphere is something different altogether
    so :p
     
  3. Steven

    Steven
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    @ No.1

    More to the point, who was the first to see a calf suckling its mother and then decided that they wanted to know what it tasted like too

    Ahem. If you see it that way like me...
     
  4. Duncan G

    Duncan G
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    And yet no one looked at a breast feeding woman and though of the same thing:confused:
     
  5. Steven

    Steven
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    I apologise to all and to Lisa for starting something I shouldn't have

    :D
     
  6. Ian J

    Ian J
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    What's a carpool lane :confused:

    What are Trix :confused:

    He isn't. He's called a banker.

    The correct quote should be "If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from moralons?

    The author of a dictionary records the meaning of words but doesn't invent them.
     
  7. jason g

    jason g
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    number 25.
    i would think that some sort of chemical in glue reacts when it hits the open air which is why it hardens when its opened:devil:
     
  8. partyweb

    partyweb
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    :smashin: Some more for you all:

    Why is is that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

    If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?

    Why do they use sterilized needles fro death by lethal injection?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when someone throws a gun at him?

    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word lisp?

    What is the speed of darkness?

    Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'norman' people at the Special Olympics?

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tommorow, how cold will it be?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

    Do you cry underwater?

    Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

    Why do people go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing to come out of it's bum.' ?

    Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?



    AND...


    ...Are you STILL singing 'Twinkle Twinkle little star...'? :D
     
  9. Seth Gecko

    Seth Gecko
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    Isn't it something to do with carpool tunnel syndrome, where 10 Essex "chavs" (I believe is the term) get in their 1.3 Escort, thinking it's KITT from Knight Rider and travel to the other side of the Dartford Tunnel to go to the more sophisticated version of Lakeside (aka Bluewater)?

    The carpool lane, being the lane designated as the "fast" lane, but they're actually the slowest ones going through.
     
  10. Seth Gecko

    Seth Gecko
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    They can be both inside and outside of that region. The term Hemorrhoid, I believe is probably slightly strangled. It should be haemorrhoid as it is the result of a burst blood vessel. :)

    See, I do know SOMETHING :)
     
  11. Ian J

    Ian J
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    -8.888888 centigrade
     
  12. Adrenochrome

    Adrenochrome
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    You need to brush up on your spelling methinks ;)
     
  13. Seth Gecko

    Seth Gecko
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    Nah - cockney rhyming slang innit (as in "he's a right merchant") :)
     
  14. Adrenochrome

    Adrenochrome
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    Ah I see said the blind man
     
  15. partyweb

    partyweb
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    Ah but did I say it was 0 centigrade. ;)
     

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