My Mum... & this year!

Trollslayer

Distinguished Member
:hug: Can't think what to say.
 

imightbewrong

Distinguished Member

WeegyAVLover

Distinguished Member
Hi Matey,

My deepest condolences for the loss of your beautiful Mum & your whole family.

I have not been posting much over here as I too, have been going through a very deeply painful period trying to look after my elderly disabled Mum who is in a terrible state & single day, every moment, I pray that it it will not be her last - the effect is absolutely devastating. I spend as much time with here as I possibly can for fear of so many things - truth be told, I cannot let her go, cannot accept what might happen and/or is happening & certainly will never be able to deal with things if we lose her - I love her more than life itself.

It is utterly heartbreaking to see the woman who brought you into this world in so much pain & suffering - one is riddled with feeling absolutely useless & full of sorrow & deep, deep guilt - I feel very compromised mentally & spiritually with no good answers that ever come forward. How I now hate myself for all the hell & pain I put her through - it is like a flood of pain & darkness that one just drowns in - I cannot stop crying seeing her in so much pain & suffering - I just do not know what to do & feel so lost & any faith I ever had in anything is lost. I really do not think I will be able to handle things or carry on if I lose her. I just cannot accept the fact that we may very well lose her soon.

I feel I want to & must go with her because she is so very innocent inside & so trusting - she will get scared & lost and be very afraid with no one with her all alone - I want to be able to be with her so she does not have to experience these states & so she knows her son is with her no matter what & where is, she will never have be be afraid/lost again. She gave me this life was with me all the way & I feel I need to gift her the same so we never lose each other.

So very, very sorry for your loss my friend, I wish as one human to another I could offer you something so I wish hope that others here who are better positioned than me at the moment are in a better place to do so - all I can offer is that know that what your heart & soul must be/is experiencing, I find myself in the same sort of hell.

Suave.

Suave, that sounds awful. When in the hospice with my mum we had 4 days of unresponsiveness and her lying there drugged up on sedation and painkillers. those last 4 days we were just waiting for the inevitable to happen and that was so hard. I never wanted her to go but there also comes a point when I know my mum would want to go. I think she reached that stage on the Monday morning before she passed. Like I said I did not want her to go, still don't even now but I also would not want my mum to suffer any more than she had to.... She would walk over burning hot, flames of broken glass to help me... I therefore know I had to let her go and doping her up so she felt no pain was the only way.

However I was able to have 2 or 3 conversations with my mum in her last few months on my own so I could talk to her honestly. I am not sure if this is possible for you with your mums condition but if your mum is able to comprehend what you are telling her and respond then you should take the time to speak with her about how you feel about what she is going through, what she means to you and your fears for her and your future. I am sure if she can she will tell you what you need to hear.

Don't let her pass beyond a point where those conversations are no longer possible without saying what you need to her.

I would not claim to say I was the perfect son with my mum and I did cause my mum and dad some problems, but all things considered I was a good son and I know my mum knew I loved her, I told her everytime we spoke and everytime I seen her, along with giving her cuddles, making her and laugh and listening to her. You need to still be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did what you could.

That all said, anything you consider from your past that may have been hurtful or unkind with your mum and is playing on your mind now, I bet she will either not remember or just smile and say it is all part of growing up and being in a family.

I am sure you are a good son and a good man, your mum will know this....

Look after yourself.
 

Kieron

Distinguished Member
Terribly sorry for your loss.
 

Liquid101

Distinguished Member
Thank you for sharing this. As my parents get older, I often think I how I'm going to deal with it when the time comes.

Somehow, reading this makes me feel better.

Sorry for your lose, condolences to you and your family.
 

krish

Distinguished Member
So sorry to you and your family for your loss and pain. The love and closeness of your family is obvious, and hopefully you will be able to support each other through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you all.

Reading your post certainly moved me to tears in thinking how much time I might have left with my elderly parents, and of course your love and care up to the end. I don't think your mum could have been more proud.

Try and stay strong.
 

DOBLY

Well-known Member
So sorry for your loss. To lose your mum at 63 isn't what you expect in this day and age.

I can relate as my mum died at the same age from what I was told was ovarian cancer, but this wasn't quite the whole truth. She had a cancer repair gene mismatch which (in her) manifested itself as ovarian cancer, which spread to other surrounding structures and organs which is what finished her off.
A few years later I was taken in to hospital for emergency surgery for the removal of a bowel tumour which had burst through the colon wall.
I only know about the genetic condition because the tumour that was removed was analysed and together with the family history (which was unknown until this point) the full picture emerged.
My mum's illness started as a minor issue when going to the toilet, and was dismissed by her GP as one of those things that women get as they age. Only when her ovaries expanded to about 5 times their previous size did the doctors take any notice (she had had a partial hysterectomy a few years after I was born), and by this time it was too late to effectively treat her, but at least we did get to share one fun and laughter filled holiday with her before her rapid decline and demise.

My advise to you is to remember the good times, of course, but also to arm yourself with knowledge about bowel cancer, as it can (as my experience shows) be hereditary.

Kia Kaha as they say over here in NZ - Stay Strong.
 

Ste7en

Distinguished Member
So sorry to hear this :(

I lost my Mum three years ago, she was 67. I still have a little cry every now and then. I haven't been the same since.
 

Fat_Tony

Distinguished Member
So sorry for your loss mate, heartbreaking to read your words.

My parents just arrived from England to spend the weekend with us, I try and mentally block out how old they are getting (70 and 74) and make sure every moment counts.

Really wish you and your family all the best at such a horrendous time.
 

SDMDAM

Well-known Member
Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope it has helped a bit to share this. I am 50 and my Mum is almost 80 and I try to see her every week as I know I will never have enough time with her.
 

DOBLY

Well-known Member
Thanks Dolby... how do I go about checking to see if I am possibly affected with bowel cancer genes?
Start off by making an appointment with your GP - explain the situation and hopefully they can arrange genetic testing if it is required - it depends on your maternal family history - probably just a blood test initially. Over here in NZ there is the NZ Familial GI cancer service, GI standing for GastroIntestinal - they liaised with the NHS in the UK to get my brother and his family screened after my diagnosis. (I am originally from the UK - my mum died shortly after I left the UK)
The chances are that you don't have the gene repair mismatch, but it is worth a trip to the Doctor to make sure.
The NHS.UK site has some excellent information and links - have a read to inform yourself, but getting in touch with your GP is what I would advise.
 

teljess

Well-known Member
Really sorry for you loss,my mum died 7 years ago on the 10/12/10 of a heart attack,she was only 54 ,I was 39 the shock of the phone call telling me she was flown to hospital will stay with me and the final goodbye (I didn't stay with her when she died because I couldn't,the doctors told me it was the drugs keeping her alive and that there was no hope).but things do get better and easier and having a close family certainly helps
 

TerFar

Active Member
Wow, a really sad story. My wife became suddenly ill whilst on holiday in June 2013. She too had a really aggressive colon cancer. We went straight to our doctor, he sent her straight to hospital and they operated on her later the same day. The removed a massive cancerous growth, but fortunately managed to remove it all.

Amazingly, she was home 3 days later, felt almost back to normal a week later other than having weak abdominal muscles where they had sliced into her. Six months later, she was back playing badminton twice a week and using the gym once a week. She's had several visits to the hospital for follow up tests, but no chemo, so she seems to be one of the lucky 60+% that recover completely. We feel so lucky.

Your family have had a bad time and sad outcome. It can only get better and we wish you all future happiness.
 

Chester

Well-known Member
@WeegyAVLover That was a real tough read for me. 63? It's too young isn't it? My mum died of the same cancer, spreading rampantly in the end, at the same age. I too was close to my Mum, and it was great to have the family all that much closer during those traumatic times. There are so many similarities to my story you have written here; sharing a holiday that was tough and painful for my Mum at times, yet for the happy time the family had together will be etched into my memory forever. Then I fell too ill to visit . I felt sick of myself because my body and mind couldn't be strong for my Mum, but I managed to recover to be there to the end.

That was nearly 4 years ago. There's not a day goes by where I don't think about her, tell her stories, etc. And unfortunately there are so many other people with similar stories, such a common thing the big C is. Embrace the life that you have, and live it to the full and celebrate, trying to qualify the wishes your Mum would have had for you. That's what I try and do every day, and hope that I'm achieving at least half of it!

Take care, chin up, smile, and cry in happiness; she is at peace.
 

andybailey1972

Well-known Member
Tears streaming down my face, I am so sorry for your and your families loss. I lost my mum and dad within six months of each other - talk to your friends and family and try to remember the good times and the laughs and jokes.
Sending you a big hug.
 

Sinead

Well-known Member
So sorry for your loss. So many parallels to the loss of my own Mum at age 63 when I was 36.

My Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer which had also spread to her brain in Nov 2015. We were on holiday at the time. She passed away in March 2016. Like your own dear Mum, so very quickly!

My Mum had brain surgery to remove the tumour and the plan was to operate on the lung after her radiotherapy was completed on her brain. They never got the chance. The cancer spread to her spinal fluid and it very aggressively took her life. She too lost use of her body and was wheelchair bound and spend some 6 weeks in hospital whilst tests were being run to find out what were causing her problems ( they didn't know at the time it had spread ) she had started to lose her mind somewhat and not really make any sense with things

We spent so many weekends travelling the 500 mile round trip to see her and try to support my Dad who was doing all he could to make her comfortable.

My Mum was discharged from hospital on a Friday afternoon and only then did we see on her notes that her condition was terminal. By which point she was out of it and any chance of conversation had gone. She passed away at 5:45 on the Monday morning.

I wish I had been able to talk to her more, we never really discussed the next steps of her battle because we just didn't know they were there but I held her hand as she left us and I gave her permission to go

Sorry to go off on a tangent so much, your post really hit a nerve with me with so many circumstances being similar.

I miss her like crazy and feel almost sick when I think about her never meeting our daughter and all the fun they would have had together

Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes, you can do no more [emoji4]
 

WeegyAVLover

Distinguished Member
So sorry for your loss. So many parallels to the loss of my own Mum at age 63 when I was 36.

My Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer which had also spread to her brain in Nov 2015. We were on holiday at the time. She passed away in March 2016. Like your own dear Mum, so very quickly!

My Mum had brain surgery to remove the tumour and the plan was to operate on the lung after her radiotherapy was completed on her brain. They never got the chance. The cancer spread to her spinal fluid and it very aggressively took her life. She too lost use of her body and was wheelchair bound and spend some 6 weeks in hospital whilst tests were being run to find out what were causing her problems ( they didn't know at the time it had spread ) she had started to lose her mind somewhat and not really make any sense with things

We spent so many weekends travelling the 500 mile round trip to see her and try to support my Dad who was doing all he could to make her comfortable.

My Mum was discharged from hospital on a Friday afternoon and only then did we see on her notes that her condition was terminal. By which point she was out of it and any chance of conversation had gone. She passed away at 5:45 on the Monday morning.

I wish I had been able to talk to her more, we never really discussed the next steps of her battle because we just didn't know they were there but I held her hand as she left us and I gave her permission to go

Sorry to go off on a tangent so much, your post really hit a nerve with me with so many circumstances being similar.

I miss her like crazy and feel almost sick when I think about her never meeting our daughter and all the fun they would have had together

Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes, you can do no more [emoji4]

Thank you all for your support. Sorry I have not had a chance to reply here for a few days, life is very busy trying to get back to normal while knowing my normal will never be normal.

My family can be close when it needs to be, however things are not always as they seem. My mum, probably like so many families, was the glue to which kept us that way, the subtle ways she said and did things that kept everyone as close as we could be. My brother and I do not always get on, him and my wife have an uneasy relationship but when events come along that need us to all pull together we do what needs to be done and get through them as a family.

Now that my mum is not here, I notice things happening that would not happen if she were. Little niggling things have started to show that I need to figure some way of sorting out before they grow into anything major... Probably not for discussion here though.

@Sinead - That sounds very hard on your mum and your family. I think it is the rapid decline that catches us off guard when dealing with family members who have cancer for the first time. You have no real idea what is going to happen, what to ask or find out when dealing with the consultant, there is also the question of "how long?" which I wanted to know, but my mum did not so we never asked. I think in the last meeting with the consultant we should have asked then, we would have then maybe have been able to prepare for what was going to happen, and the rapid decline we were about to see...

Life is very hard and dealing with it without your mum makes life that much darker and less of happy place. However as my Muslim neighbour said to me last night, your mum may no longer be with you but she never leaves you, you always hold her close in your mind and your heart.... I could not agree more with her.
 

its_all_Greek

Distinguished Member
My Bad,

As i read this the other day and didn't know what to type so typed nothing.
Daft really as even some small recognition of how someone is feeling can help. I am truly sorry for your loss, i am fortunate enough to still have both parents still alive so can only guess at how you are feeling right now.

All the best to you and your family my thought are with you.
 

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