My Mum... & this year!

WeegyAVLover

Distinguished Member
Hi All,

Not been about much this year for many different reasons and I apologise for the length of this post....

Some of you may recall a post I put up just before Christmas about a trip my wife and I had planned to Singapore and OZ:

Planning trip to OZ & sharing a good news story

So we got that all sorted before Christmas and enjoyed a great Christmas with my mum and dad at their house with my wife's parents. We have spent our Christmas's together since we got together 15 years ago.

We then spent the first January preparing for our holiday away. It was a crazy month but very exciting. we left to go on the holiday at the start of February and before we left my mum was going to the doctors as she was getting pain from her "piles" (more on that soon).

We left on our trip and got to Singapore and for the first few days (we were only there for 4 days). However my mum contacted us about the results she had for her pains (we had asked her to and made her promise!) sadly she was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer.

As you can imagine I was devastated, worried and upset. I spoke to her at about 3am Singapore time and she made me promise not to come home but just to send her pictures and messages and phone when we wanted to, so we did. I just put it to the back of my mind and other than the 1st day after the news I made it my mission to enjoy myself and my wife sent my mum constant pictures and messages on what we were doing. I was reassured that nothing would happen until the Tuesday after we got back so it was just a waiting game while we were away.

After we came back my mum had a plan put together for her Chemo and Radio therapy. However before it started my mum got pains in her side. This required more tests and scans it revealed the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs. They then assessed and changed my mums drugs and rearranged her treatment and it started. Sadly after about 3 days of Radio therapy and chemo my mum became very ill and was admitted to The Western in Edinburgh.

She was sick and very weak. My brother and dad were very upset the whole time she was there but I never lost faith my mum was going to get better. I was even told I need to show my emotions more. When I had time to speak to my mum on my own I was able to tell her, that I was did not get upset because I can still see her, still touch her, cuddle her and hear her voice (I got upset telling her that!) however, when I speak about my big brother (he was killed at the age of 15 (when I was 13) crossing the road for his paper round) I do get upset for all the same reasons as above and not being able to do any of them with him. My mum know what I was saying and I told her it is because I believe she was going to get survive this.

The medical team got my mums sickness and pain under control. They then sorted her weakness with Steroids and she became a new person, after a few days they were going to discharge her but then she struggled to pee. They had to catheterise her and do more scans and tests. It turned out the Cancer had spread to the bag that holds her gut organs (I forget the medical name for this) sadly they told my mum this could not be cured. However it can be managed. Once they knew that they devised different meds and a treatment plan for her. Sadly it meant giving my mum a stoma operation. This meant she would have a small bit of her bowel sticking out of her tummy to relieve the pressure on her bowel. My mum hopes this would have been reversible but sadly it is not, so she is stuck using stoma bags after this point.

In total she was in hospital for about 3 to 4 weeks. But she was a wee trooper and very rarely complained or got upset but she had her moments, her biggest issue is her hands shake because of the meds and changing the stoma bag was an ordeal.

She got home and my dad has been looking after her and I have been going round 2 or 3 times a week to help my dad as well as give him some down time as it was so hard looking after my mum, the house and all the trips to shops, pharmacies and hospital.

I also put my DIY skills to use to help my dad build shelving units and install cupboards in her bathroom to help her store all her new stuff.

While I did this my wife stayed with my mum and talked to her, took her out for walks or pushed her in her wheelchair. Then we would eat and talk for hours.

My mum did 3 rounds / 9 weeks of chemo only treatment and on the 20th June we got great news my mums chemo was working and her tumours in her bowel, lungs and liver were all reduced.

This was great news and my mum and dad insisted we book the holiday we had talked about, so we did and planned to go on the 20th Aug.

My mum ticked along as best she could but each month went by she becomes weaker and weaker. My wife's birthday was on the 29th July and my mum was going to come through for her Birthday and hang out at our house. But my mum could not do the 40min journey. So we went locally in Livingston. Sadly my mum fell (not the first time) when entering the restaurant. Then when we went back up to my folks she fell in the downstairs toilet. That was hard to see as my mum could not move easily and started crying, But we got her on her feet and sat her down. I got her up the stairs an hour or so later and she slept for the rest of the day.

The following weekend (5th Aug) I put my DIY skills to use again and built a ramp from my mum and dads utility room to the floor of there garage. This allowed my dad to get my mum and dad out the house as she was now pretty much wheelchair bound with exception of short shuffles.

Then on the 8th we got devastating news, the pain my mum complained about in her side a few weeks after her good news regarding the chemo, the medical team had done more scans and tests and it showed my mums tumours had got bigger and was acting very aggressively. They said the chemo would have to stop until my mums strength had returned. As you can imagine we were all very upset, my mum was devastated.

But we went to Crammond in Edinburgh which is by the seaside and a place my mum loved to go. We had a nice afternoon and was a great distraction, because, what can you say!

I was back over on the Thursday and Saturday just to hang out and that was nice. Then on following Wednesday (16h Aug) she wanted to visit a hospice in Edinburgh (St Columbus) just to see what it was like. She had visited Marie Curie a few weeks earlier and the place was amazing and she wanted to go there but Marie Curie was in her catchment area. We went along with her during our lunch break at work and went back afterwards.

When my dad got my mum home she was so tired and weak and the doctor came to see her she was barely awake. My dad phoned me when I was in the office and was very upset, I offered to go round but he said it was OK. However when I told my wife she insisted we go round. When we got there it had turned out they were going to have to catheterise my mum again. My wife stayed with her while they did that and then she showered my mum, dried her hair and got her dressed. it was hard to see my mum so weak.

The next day (Thu 17th) the family GP was round again and this time she said my mum had to go to Marie Curie for a couple of days to get her pain under control and to build her energy up. My dad waited all day for an ambulance to pick my mum up but my dad ended up taking her himself at about 4:30pm. We got there at 6pm.

My mum was out for the count so we spoke with the medical team, well the doctor, she said my mum was very frail and we mentioned we were meant to be going on holiday on the Sunday. She kindly said "we would not say whether to go or not to go but if you do go then we would recommend you make your peace with your mum before you go!"..... It then hit me like a freight train that my mum was not getting better, not beating this and probably not getting out of here.

She then said your mums life expectancy is being measured in days...... We were all devastated. We all went home to our homes and decided to go back up at Lunchtime on Friday 18th Aug. I never really slept at all that night, just thinking about my mum.... I am 37yrs old and I do not feel I have had long enough with one of my best friends. I am not a mummy's boy by any stretch of the imagination but I have always been very close to my mum.

I decided on the Friday I was going to stay with my mum in the Hospice as I just wanted to be close to her and did not want to leave her. I told my wife before I left and she said she would also stay. We spent the day with my mum she would wake, sleep, wake, sleep... repeat. We could talk and laugh which was nice. Then my dad, brother and his fiancee said we need to leave. I told them I would stay as I wanted to stay so I spent the Friday Night/Saturday morning on my own with my mum. I sat with her until the early hours and she would occasionally wake up and say "oooh son please go get some sleep, you need to rest!" this just made me cry. I eventually went to bed but got up for the loo a few times and each time I would sit with her for a while.

On the Saturday morning my wife went out to get us breakfast. I got upset just looking at my mum and she had her eyes closed and said "have you got a cold son?" I did not have the heart to tell her I was upset so just said "just a runny nose!" she replied "look after yourself son, your health is important!"... I pulled myself together, but about 10mins later I got upset again. This time my mum opened her eyes and looked straight at me "whats wrong son?".... "I love you mum and I do not want to lose you, I am proud of you mum and I think you are a wee trooper!" she replied "I love you son and I have always been proud of you!" I gave her a big cuddle and then she cuddled me back as best she could.

She later asked me if she had dementia and her illness was just a lie (my mums big fear, even though she was only 63yrs old was that she was getting dementia) I told her it was just the disease and the medication making her feel how she felt.

My dad, brother and fiancee came back up later that day and we stayed there with her until the end. We ended up telling my mum that night (Sat 19th Aug) that she was dying, it was very emotional but the best thing we could have done. She also had lots of friends and family come up and say goodbye which was very hard and on the Sunday (20th Aug) we played some of her favourite music and she sang along to one of them and hummed to my mum and dads life long song "when will I see you again"..... Sadly that was the last time she was able to communicate with us or open her eyes.

She passed away on Thursday 24th Aug at 4:45am. We were all round her bed when it happened and I am glad I was there but was difficult to watch.

It has been nearly 2 weeks now and that is no time at all, but I feel very lost without her and cannot believe she is no longer here. She was a very special lady and the best mum I could have wished for. My life is a lot darker without her and I will miss my cuddles (I like a cuddle!)....

So I just wanted to share this with you.....


I Love You Mum - 26th May 1954 to 24th Aug 1917....

I apologise if I cannot respond to posts as they come in here, my life is very much all over the place at the moment.

Thanks for reading!
 

GeeZus

Well-known Member
Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just before I turned 16 so I know the feeling your going through. Just remember the good times you had with her.
 

Jowsey

Active Member
As a young man who's mother has health issues this cut me to ribbons.

I hope you are keeping as well as can be and if you need to talk I'm sure there are plenty of willing ears present.
 

pete1866

Active Member
Sorry for your loss mate.
I lost my mum august 16th 2016 and I miss her terribly.
I held her hand when she took her last breath.
Hope things get a little easier for you.
 

BB3Lions

Distinguished Member
She sounds like an amazing strong woman, and i am not being condescending or soppy. She sounds like mine. Old school tough and soft as old boots.

Sorry for your loss mate.
 

Sandman

Distinguished Member
Sorry for your loss, I got quite a shock when I read that she was only 63. It sounds like you were great throughout the whole ordeal. I hope if I am ever in that situation that I can act in the same way you did. Its no wonder your mum was proud of you.
 

safcalibur

Distinguished Member
As echoed by everyone above I'm sorry for your loss mate. Must admit I cried as i read your post, sounds like you guys were amazing around her and did her proud, awful thing for your mother to have gone through and just hope she's at peace now.
 

SevloW

Distinguished Member
So very hard to loose someone close to us. My mum passed away, suddenly, in 1987 at the age of 62. I still miss her so much. They always live on in your heart and the memories.

You have my deepest sympathy.

Condolences to you and your family
 

DrapedInDarkness

Distinguished Member
So very sorry for your loss my friend, your mum seemed like an incredibly brave lady and to be fair the strength you have shown is pretty remarkable too and I think that is what you need to remember, you should feel as proud of yourself as I am sure she is.
 

WeegyAVLover

Distinguished Member
Thanks everyone. My mum was an amazing woman and was the most caring person I have known (that is probably something we all think of our parents). My mum was brave but I also know she struggled and was constantly tired.

Each time I go round to see my dad now, I walk in the door and cannot believe I will not be greeted with my cuddle from my mum, her asking me "how are you son?" and me replying always with "all the better for seeing you!"...

Also, my mum and wife were close, and now things feel a bit strange and at times are difficult when I see my dad. Don't get me wrong I am close to my dad, but my dad loves his sport and when we go round to see him he has the TV on with sport on all the time. When we went round before my mum would tell him to turn it off and we would all just talk all night. I know it is early days and my dad is trying to deal with his grief, loss and the sound of constant silence he has now when we are not there. However where once everything worked and was normal it now feels very foreign.

At her funeral on Friday there was standing room only for everyone who wanted to be there. That was nice to see and me, my wife, my brother and his fiancee all stood up and said something. I could not let her go without saying how I felt about her as a mum, wife to my dad and auntie and friend.

I still find myself standing about my house and thinking she is not here and this voice says "naaaawwwww, that is wrong!" and then this other voice saying "no, you are right, she is no longer here!"....

Thanks again to you all for your kind words, it is a real comfort.
 

RBZ5416

Distinguished Member
Condolences on your loss.

It's still very early days so bound to feel odd adjusting to the new circumstances. If you or your Dad continue to struggle with your grief then counselling is worth exploring.

Cruse Bereavement Care |
 

PSM1

Distinguished Member
Sorry about your loss and it is a cruel disease. Sounds like she was an amazing woman who was loved by a lot of people. Use your family network for support and take each day as it comes.
 

LeftyXXIII

Distinguished Member
Sorry for your loss and no need to apologise for anything, especially the length of your posts, you write as little or as much as you want.
 

gibbsy

Moderator
Sorry to hear of your loss, no doubt your mother was a lovely person and certainly too young to be taken by such an awful illness. I bet your father is very proud of the way you and your wife acted in the last few weeks.

I glad you decided to post, they are a good bunch here on AVF and just putting your emotions and thoughts into the domain can be a great relief and help. Every reply is a help and comfort, just as I found a year ago.
 

WeegyAVLover

Distinguished Member
Condolences on your loss.

It's still very early days so bound to feel odd adjusting to the new circumstances. If you or your Dad continue to struggle with your grief then counselling is worth exploring.

Cruse Bereavement Care |

You are right and I know this. My dad is good about talking about his emotions and is never afraid to cry, he done this when my brother died and he is doing it now. We have talked about Bereavement counseling and Marie Curie have also contacted my Dad. I have a lot more time and respect for them than I did before (I always did, but never had any personal exposure to Marie Curie until now).

Sorry about your loss and it is a cruel disease. Sounds like she was an amazing woman who was loved by a lot of people. Use your family network for support and take each day as it comes.

She was, probably no more so than others, but to me she was amazing and she was liked by nearly all who met her. I have a good extended family and they are there for my dad which is the important thing.

Sorry for your loss and no need to apologise for anything, especially the length of your posts, you write as little or as much as you want.

thanks, very much appreciated.

Sending all my love Colin, to you and the family

Thanks Rory, very much appreciated, we drove passed the office on the way to the Crematorium as my folks stay about 2mins away.

Sorry to hear of your loss, no doubt your mother was a lovely person and certainly too young to be taken by such an awful illness. I bet your father is very proud of the way you and your wife acted in the last few weeks.

I glad you decided to post, they are a good bunch here on AVF and just putting your emotions and thoughts into the domain can be a great relief and help. Every reply is a help and comfort, just as I found a year ago.

Yes it has been helpful posting up what has happened, but it does not even scratch the surface on what happened and what my mum and my dad went through.

I know I am not the first and sadly will not be the last to lose their mum but it is very sad all the same.

I think it is the fact that 8 months ago at Christmas she was fine and I never had the chance to see my mum age and get older and frailer before my eyes. I know this would not have made it much, if any, easier but it just feels like she has been snatched away from us. A bit like my brother, but that was all over in less that 12hrs....
 

Toasty

Distinguished Member
Sorry for your loss and my condolences to you and your family, it sounds like you've handled the situation very well. It brings back memories of when we went through this with our Dad in very similar circumstances, all you can do is be there for one another and it sounds like that's happening for your family.

Best way I can describe my feelings after my dad passed was that a part of me was missing and I lost my mojo for what seemed like a few of years. Time is a healer, I eventually got my mojo back and I came to realise that what was missing hadn't entirely gone away, he was a good Dad and his traits, advice and example were always with me and always will be..
 

wilbanat

Distinguished Member
So sorry to hear of your loss, please look after yourself as it's very easy to let that slip.
26 when my mum passed and then 33 when my dad went, even though they went to soon, I'm still grateful of the time we did have.
 

Suave

Distinguished Member
Hi Matey,

My deepest condolences for the loss of your beautiful Mum & your whole family.

I have not been posting much over here as I too, have been going through a very deeply painful period trying to look after my elderly disabled Mum who is in a terrible state & single day, every moment, I pray that it it will not be her last - the effect is absolutely devastating. I spend as much time with here as I possibly can for fear of so many things - truth be told, I cannot let her go, cannot accept what might happen and/or is happening & certainly will never be able to deal with things if we lose her - I love her more than life itself.

It is utterly heartbreaking to see the woman who brought you into this world in so much pain & suffering - one is riddled with feeling absolutely useless & full of sorrow & deep, deep guilt - I feel very compromised mentally & spiritually with no good answers that ever come forward. How I now hate myself for all the hell & pain I put her through - it is like a flood of pain & darkness that one just drowns in - I cannot stop crying seeing her in so much pain & suffering - I just do not know what to do & feel so lost & any faith I ever had in anything is lost. I really do not think I will be able to handle things or carry on if I lose her. I just cannot accept the fact that we may very well lose her soon.

I feel I want to & must go with her because she is so very innocent inside & so trusting - she will get scared & lost and be very afraid with no one with her all alone - I want to be able to be with her so she does not have to experience these states & so she knows her son is with her no matter what & where is, she will never have be be afraid/lost again. She gave me this life was with me all the way & I feel I need to gift her the same so we never lose each other.

So very, very sorry for your loss my friend, I wish as one human to another I could offer you something so I wish hope that others here who are better positioned than me at the moment are in a better place to do so - all I can offer is that know that what your heart & soul must be/is experiencing, I find myself in the same sort of hell.

Suave.
 

ufo550

Well-known Member
Condolences to you and your family, at this very sad time. I lost my mother at similar age. And my father. Just recently my wife lost her parents, who fortunately reached a more respectable age. She's quite lost without them. As time goes by the hurt lessens, but never goes away.

Keep an eye on your father, who might bottle things up.
 

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