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Losing it (not your v)

TheHighFlyingBirds

Active Member
So lost my temper full on tonight, like full red mist, which hasn't happened for a long long time (which last time resulted in door having a hole in it). Let's just say an ex and a kid (who doesn't seem to want to come to ours anymore), mixed with a wife raises the blood pressure. Ended up losing it tonight, result is snapped pins on my omega watch and sore wrists from hitting kitchen worktop and a sore foot from kicking said kitchen unit (used bottom of foot to kick but both bottom and top of foot are both sore and tingling/numb).

Bit ashamed of losing it to be honest, although its so rare, as always try to be calm and laid back.

Just needing to vent and share a load. Does anyone else (who is normally calm) lose it so bad that something gets damaged / broken? Also any tips for releasing safely?
 

rousetafarian

Moderator
Any clues as to why they don’t wish to come around to yours anymore?
 

mjn

Distinguished Member
I’ve a ridiculously short temper..........if the right buttons are pressed. Things have been broken.
 

TheHighFlyingBirds

Active Member
Her mum has said its perhaps due to lack of just me and my daughter time, and lack of interest from me, although when I try to engage she doesn't seem bothered. What makes it worse is I have a little one with my mrs, and an older lad from a different relationship (I know, not a great situation and not something I wanted, but it is what it is).

Basically had a bad night as my mrs text my daughter asking why she wasnt coming this weekend, which caused phone calls and then arguements from both sides, hence the blood boiling.
 

Wahreo

Distinguished Member
I feel it can be difficult for men sometimes when involved in break ups with children involved and having to deal with some women who are world champions at arguing.

it’s natural for women to get emotional and start crying when in these situations in the same way that a lot of men naturally want to punch and kick things. It’s just the way men deal with things. Obviously it’s just a release and you probably felt a little better when you got it out but then felt guilty when things got broken. It’s not the end of the world- you just have to try and target your anger elsewhere or probably just walk away and cool off. That’s what I tend to do, I get in the car and I just drive, within half an hour I’m feeling a lot better.

I have had many times in my life that I’ve felt rage either at work or at home. It’s almost like an emotional breakdown. I seemed to have chilled out a hell of a lot since then. I’ve kind of met my match with my other half in the rage department when arguing. Absolute nutter she is and I’ve walked away many times. Thanks Darling :D
 

The Dreamer

Distinguished Member
That’s what I tend to do, I get in the car and I just drive, within half an hour I’m feeling a lot better.
Please be careful doing this. Many years ago, I was chatting to a young cabin crew member in a bar somewhere - she didn’t look old enough to be a widow - but she was!

Her fella had done exactly what you describe, getting in his car to calm down after losing his rag - the next thing is her getting a visit from the police to say he’d lost control of his car and wrapped it round a tree.

She was pregnant at the time, so her little one never knew his dad!

I was a little inebriated at the time - I remember her telling me this story sobered me up fairly quickly, and it’s stayed with me ever since.

She of course, is living with the fact that the last words she said to her husband weren’t very pleasant, and can never be taken back. It’s why I always tell my wife I love her, every day, and particularly when one of us is leaving the house - because one day it will be the last time (hopefully no time soon)!


Sorry for the off-topic-ish post - as far as red mist, yes, I get it, though less frequent than it used to be. Generally, no matter how sh*t the situation, the world seems to keep on turning.

Ive broken stuff before, and immediately regretted my behaviour. Now I tend to go and chop a few logs, or find something that needs cutting down. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, an angry man with an axe and a chainsaw?! :D
 
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Wahreo

Distinguished Member
I suppose it depends if you are so enraged that you drive like a lunatic which I would never advise. Better off going for a walk, preferably away from roads :D
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
So lost my temper full on tonight, like full red mist, which hasn't happened for a long long time (which last time resulted in door having a hole in it). Let's just say an ex and a kid (who doesn't seem to want to come to ours anymore), mixed with a wife raises the blood pressure. Ended up losing it tonight, result is snapped pins on my omega watch and sore wrists from hitting kitchen worktop and a sore foot from kicking said kitchen unit (used bottom of foot to kick but both bottom and top of foot are both sore and tingling/numb).

Bit ashamed of losing it to be honest, although its so rare, as always try to be calm and laid back.

Just needing to vent and share a load. Does anyone else (who is normally calm) lose it so bad that something gets damaged / broken? Also any tips for releasing safely?
The important thing is that you know its wrong, it's rare and you are ashamed of it. You also didn't lose it enough to hurt anyone. Basically, you had a big hissy fit! 😁
May well be enough to help you keep control and prevent it happening again.
Sometimes it sucks to be only human eh!
 

Ruperts slippers

Distinguished Member
I just moan on and on, in fact had a moan last night.
Girlfriend I felt was being manipulative so I told her, then i went on one for a bit.
Broken sleep, fallen out, my kids are coming. Crappy day.

I can remember losing it during the divorce proceedings over the phone, proper red faced shouting and swearing. I think she put me on loud speaker so all my ex in laws could hear.

Sometimes I regret it as sometimes I don't.
Working in construction sometimes the situation has boiled over and blows have been exchanged.
Now I'm older I'm a bit calmer, plus I spend most of my days working on my own with just the customer for company.

Controlling
anger and the tongue is quite a feat, not mastered it yet, a work in progress.
 

nheather

Distinguished Member
A word of caution that I can pass on from experience.

I suffer from anger issues, it sort of comes with my mental disability but that is no excuse. So in the past I have kicked and punched inanimate objects, but never a living thing.

All the anger issues aside and looking at it from a physical point of view, when you hit or kick something it will hurt for a while (as you have found) but it then will subside and you will think all is well. But as I found, as you get older, those parts of the body appear to be prone to arthritis. I not sure whether this is medical fact, just that in my old age I now suffer discomfort in the exact area of the foot that I kicked something hard In anger. I don’t think this is coincidence.

So easy to say, and I’m still not perfect at taking my own advice, but do try and stop punching and kicking things.

Cheers,

Nigel
 

QuestShield

Distinguished Member
I have had issues with temper in the past, especially when people are RUDE and IGNORANT. I recommend Magnesium Citrate, chills you out. Also I've given up alcohol, though that was more because I didn't like the fuzzy brain feeling the next day and I didn't drink much anyway.
Perhaps you have intermittent explosive disorder?
 

TheHighFlyingBirds

Active Member
A word of caution that I can pass on from experience.

I suffer from anger issues, it sort of comes with my mental disability but that is no excuse. So in the past I have kicked and punched inanimate objects, but never a living thing.

All the anger issues aside and looking at it from a physical point of view, when you hit or kick something it will hurt for a while (as you have found) but it then will subside and you will think all is well. But as I found, as you get older, those parts of the body appear to be prone to arthritis. I not sure whether this is medical fact, just that in my old age I now suffer discomfort in the exact area of the foot that I kicked something hard In anger. I don’t think this is coincidence.

So easy to say, and I’m still not perfect at taking my own advice, but do try and stop punching and kicking things.

Cheers,

Nigel
It is very rare that my blood boils to the point I take my anger out on inanimate objects, definitely need another method to save the pain, as got quiet a sore foot today. Should probably get it checked but I hate making a fuss when it is probably just bruised.
 

TheHighFlyingBirds

Active Member
I have had issues with temper in the past, especially when people are RUDE and IGNORANT. I recommend Magnesium Citrate, chills you out. Also I've given up alcohol, though that was more because I didn't like the fuzzy brain feeling the next day and I didn't drink much anyway.
Perhaps you have intermittent explosive disorder?
Having a look at intermittent explosive disorder doesnt seem to fit, as it only happens when pushed and it does take quite a bit of 'poking' for it to erupt.
 

Si01327

Active Member
Generally speaking I like to think I'm laid back and calm. No kids of my own but my wife had two from her previous marriage which I've known since they were little. Had a good relationship with both of them as they grew up and tried to be the one that was always in the background to help if they ever needed it. For the most part this worked well.

Unfortunately as he got older the stepson got into drugs, gambling and a whole lot more. We've had countless situations where he's smashed up doors at home, disrespected his mum (my wife), had the police round for one reason or another, and even supported him in court. It's also seen a significant amount of my money put into resolving problems. Of course this was all done with a view to getting him sorted and on the road to recovery but after 8 years of broken promises and constant lies it all starts to wear a bit thin.

Cue going round to his flat between Christmas and New Year just gone. Had a good afternoon with him to be fair and sorted out a lot of jobs he wanted doing round the flat he shares with his girlfriend. Towards the end of the evening it was noticable his attitude had changed. Apparently he needed to go out and see his mates. We left him to it as we had a key to lock up anyway and still had some tidying to do, plus it meant he could go straight away rather than waiting for us.

Had just finished at the flat and taking stuff back to the car when he turned up in the car with his girlfriend (we later discovered he'd rang her to pick him up as his mates hadn't turned up). It was obvious immediately he was in a foul mood and ranting at both his girlfriend and then his mum who was trying to calm him down and see if she could help. I should have just got in the car but by now he was swearing at his mum, screaming at both her and his girlfriend and generally behaving like a total idiot. I went over to try and calm him down (in the past I've usually been successful at doing this compared to others) but he was pretty much off his face on something just raging for no reason. He started swearing at me and that's when the red mist just appeared out of nowhere.

I grabbed him by his coat and threw him against the wall, then pinned my forearm against his throat, all the while raging at him for ruining what had been a good day till that point. My wife was apparently screaming at me and hitting me to leave him alone but weirdly I don't remember that bit at all, just that I wanted to shut him up one way or another. Eventually backed away and got in the car. Wife was sobbing and screaming at me in equal measure. Stepson by this point was banging on the car having gone up a level with his anger whilst his girlfriend tried to drag him away. Neighbours were starting to twitch curtains so drove back home.

Major row with wife when we got home. Mainly embarassment on my part that I'd just snapped but equally that I couldn't explain why. She went back round on her own to try and calm things down. Eventually when he'd come back down to earth it turned out he'd gone out to get some drugs and when his mates didn't turn up despite asking him to come out he just snapped. The drugs just amplified his anger and ended up in him coming home like a firecracker ready to explode. If I'd just got in the car nothing would've happened but he just pushed all the right buttons in me and before I knew it I had him up against the wall.

Things have improved since that evening but it took a while. He'd rang his sister (my step daughter) after it all kicked off and she went round with my wife to try and calm him down. Sadly she took his side immediately despite the circumstances and since then has barely spoken to me.

We're now working our way through getting him treatment for his addiction but it's a long road and it's going to take time. For my part, that single moment of red mist meant years and years of trust that had been built up just went in an instant. I've regretted it every single day since, mainly because things will never be the same between us again.

Is losing my temper like that a regular occurrence? No thank god it's not, however it's made me think a lot more about how I deal with situations like that in the future. The consequences of my actions that night will have long-lasting effects on what was always a good relationship with my step-son/daughter and it's that I'm most sad about.
 

InvisibleDuncan

Well-known Member
I never understand this kind of thing. So it's okay for him to shout and scream and swear at everyone, but the moment anyone does it back to him, they're the bad guy?

I really don't envy you being in this position. Hope it all works out.
 

Si01327

Active Member
I never understand this kind of thing. So it's okay for him to shout and scream and swear at everyone, but the moment anyone does it back to him, they're the bad guy?

I really don't envy you being in this position. Hope it all works out.
Thanks. I think it's more the fact I got physical with him rather than just shouting back at him (which has happened plenty of times in the past, just never reached the point of me wanting to take it any further). Whatever though, I regret my actions and no matter what it should never reach the point of harming (or wanting to harm) a member of your family, especially those who look to you for guidance and help!
 

davidegee

Well-known Member
I never understand this kind of thing. So it's okay for him to shout and scream and swear at everyone, but the moment anyone does it back to him, they're the bad guy?

I really don't envy you being in this position. Hope it all works out.
I thought the same. This guy is tearing lives apart yet you're the bad guy for caring...?
 

mjn

Distinguished Member
I have had issues with temper in the past, especially when people are RUDE and IGNORANT.
Foreign call centres!!!! Having to spell out every single word numerous times!! The number of times i’ve just lost it and the cut the person off.
 

Cobb

Distinguished Member
I have a very short fuse in some situations. 9/10 times it’s to do with my partners mother, (we’re not married so she’s not the MiL). Toxic, selfish, controlling and very manipulative. For years I let everything go but in the past 6 months I’ve started to communicate to my partner my feelings and it doesn’t always go well. A few times I’ve gone full red mist, never hit anyone but plenty of walls have been thumped. I hate losing it like that, I definitely need to work on my anger but each time I’ve gotten it out of my system it doesn’t take long until something else she does starts the volcano bubbling up inside :(
 

WeeScottishLass

Active Member
Thanks. I think it's more the fact I got physical with him rather than just shouting back at him (which has happened plenty of times in the past, just never reached the point of me wanting to take it any further). Whatever though, I regret my actions and no matter what it should never reach the point of harming (or wanting to harm) a member of your family, especially those who look to you for guidance and help!
It's sad that one, single incident of momentary madness, has caused damage to your relationships in the way that you have described.

And yes, ideally it shouldn't have happened but I also think it is important to forgive yourself and remember that you are human and that it obviously was a very difficult situation to be in.

I hope with time you will be able to sort things out 🙂
 

mij

Well-known Member
Foreign call centres!!!! Having to spell out every single word numerous times!! The number of times i’ve just lost it and the cut the person off.
I find answering in their language helps, if not possible then stay calm whilst marvelling at their ability to do something that you cannot :D
 

wilbanat

Distinguished Member
Anger is a funny thing, ive never hit an object like a door etc, in a rage, also never hurt anyone close to me.
wanted to hit certain people but have told myself not to as it wont do any good. The idea of hurting someone doesn’t sit well with me... much prefer the emotional torment i can cause:D
 

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