WhyAyeMan
Prominent Member
Right I'll say off the bat, this is probably going to be a long post, so I apologise for that, I just need an outlet to vent my feelings at the moment, so bear with me.
I'm not exactly sure when it started. It could have been weeks now, but perhaps months, maybe years, I just can't pinpoint when it happenned, but what I do know is that I am becoming more and more aware of it... and I would like to nip it in the bud before I go mad!
I just seem to have a feeling of emptiness or hopelessness at the moment, almost as if my life has been one long series of mistakes and bad decisions, and seems to have little real point any more.
The strange thing is, is that I know I should not feel like this. On the face of it, things don't seem that bad in many respects. I am 29. I am relatively healthy, I live in a nice house (albeit still with the rents). I have a nice car, all the toys (big TV, nice hifi, computers all that crap).
In fact now that I think about it, I have felt like this for a long time now. Years ago some advised me that I needed to look after myself better. Well, these days I eat healthily, go to the gym most days, and am in far better physical shape than I have been in any recent memory.
The thing is, as time has gone on, I can't help but think that material possessions do not make life worth living. Sure I have all of the nice toys, but my life seems completely empty and pointless.
When I left school, I admit that I was immature even by school leavers standards. I decided not to go for further education and straight into work as I was pretty decent at computers, and I enjoyed it (at the time, more on that later). I eventually got an apprenticeship in an IT job which did not go too well, but then later got a "proper" IT support job, which I am still in today.
Fast forward 10 years to today, and I am in a job which isn't terrible in many respects - they dont expect that much from anyone it would seem, but I feel as though I have been constantly overlooked and under-appreciated. Despite a rocky start, I eventually did find my feet in this job, and I believe I went on to become one of the hardest workers, but as time has gone on, I've watched people who have started well after I did, with less experience and ability, get promoted instead of me. Its almost like they are holding the past against me.
Not only that, but as the years have gone past, our job has changed to the point where it is now completely dumbed down. There is nothing technical about it any more, a trained monkey could do it. Over the last few years, what skills I did possess, have rotted away to nothing.
I now feel as though I would struggle to get another job elsewhere because of the fact that I have not kept on top of my skills.
I freely admit that I no longer like the IT industry, and I have pretty much given up now. I admit that I pretty much do the minimum that I can get away with, after all, when the management have shown as much contempt towards me as they have, why should I bend over backwards to help them. It has already been proven that it doesnt matter how hard I work, I'll never get off the bottom rung of the ladder, so I've given up trying. Despite the fact for the last few months now I dont give a crap, a lot of my colleagues for some bizarre reason still have the perception that I am a hard worker, and that I should continue to go for other stuff. I tell them that I wont waste any more of my time.
Its not just that though. I have basically never had a proper 'relationship' with any girl. Sure I've had dates, and whatnot but never really anything you could call a proper relationship. Sure I have had girls that have surely been keen enough where it could have happenned, but I simply didn't fancy them in any way at all, so I called it off in their cases...
I am not fussy, but it seems all of the girls I like find some reason to call it off. It baffles me at times - the last time I had met a girl I liked, on the day we met we got on real well. Then a week or so later had a date, where again, we appeared to get on. I suggested we did it again, to which she said "definitely". Yet a week later, I find myself yet again on the scrap heap for reasons I can only contemplate, but find impossible to fathom. This has been the story of my life, I feel...
As a result of all of this, my life has been about finding escape routes, ways to try and forget about my predicament. Although it may just been my perception of it, but its been hard for me to watch people who, in my opinion, are no better than me in any way, shape or form, move on in life, getting promoted quickly, meeting girls easily and settling with them, even when some of those in question never actually did anything other than played on their games console every weekend, and generally never actually went out.
Its made me feel like a failure, and as such, the last 10 or so years has been all about trying to make myself feel better. How have I done this? Well various things, but I mostly ended up going out on the lash with other single mates, pursuing my interest in cars and gadgets...
Its amazing just how many mates I've been through, as the mates who went out with me in the beginning, all moved on or settled down and actually did things with their lives. What did I do? I found more mates. I dont find this particularly hard to do, as I am a pretty sociable person most of the time.
However, there is only so often you can go out on the lash, usually twice or three times a week tops. What about the other days? Well in the early days, I must admit I turned to cannabis. I still have something of a weakness for it now if I am being honest, but the days of me smoking it regularly are long since past, I now only have small amounts relatively rarely, like as in once in a blue moon....
Why did I do that? Well it has this amazing ability to make an otherwise boring, pointless existence suddenly seem a lot more interesting. I wont go into just how much of a problem it became for me, but suffice to say there did come a time a number of years back when it was clear I'd have to knock it on the head; As a person who already finds motivation difficult to come by, this ruined what little resolve I had. I literally did not want to do anything else at one point.
When I knocked that on the head, it became material possessions. Cars, computers, hifi, AV, clothes you name it, I bought it. Hangovers after being on one of the aforementioned drinking sessions were the most dangerous times for me, because I was feeling at a low point, I would want to cheer myself up by "treating" myself.
Even my last car was bought when I was hungover, because "I fancied a change".
To cut a long story short, I am now £15,000 in debt. £15,000 in debt, yet the very things I am in debt for are probably worth maybe half of that debt. Even if I sell everything, I would not be able to pay for even half of it. Yet, if I did sell everything, I know that with no car, no TV, no music, no computers, things would seem even more tedious and pointless than they are already.
So what is the result of all of this? I am totally disillusioned with my life. I am not suicidal so dont get that idea, but I am just wondering what the point of it all is. I am in a job I dont enjoy, I cant seem to get a girlfriend, and although I get on with my rents, I cant help but feel I should be standing on my own two feet by now, but yet there is no prospect of this happenning for years due to the debt I am in.
I know that I have felt this way for quite some time, and I have tried to make myself feel better. This is the reason I go to the gym in some respects, so the exercise lifts my mood and I feel better about myself. I think it helps, albeit temporarily, but results are slow, and overall I feel as down as I ever did. I have tried with the diet thing, eating more healthy. I DO eat healthy, and it did initially help, but again I've just gone back to how I felt before.
If I do have one vice its the drink, but I have that under control. Nevertheless, I will probably have a bottle of wine through the week one day to "break up the week", and I pretty much drink all weekend, whether I actually go out or not.
I really want to turn things around, change things, but I just dont know how. My mind is a blank. Mentally I dont feel half as sharp as I did just 10 years ago. I realise that I am lucky to have my health, as there are many out there that are worse off than me. Its almost as if I have "demons" in my head which control me with the foggy grey cloud that always seems to hang over me.
I am sitting here on Monday morning, writing this, with the familiar feeling that I always seem to suffer at this point on a week. Its like a cycle. I must admit I am usually on the "unhappy" side of normal for most of the week, up until a weekend, when I can in fact be almost the opposite. However, last friday, even that was not enough, and I just couldnt get into the mood. Wasn't made any better for my mate lecturing me on being a miserable git really, and he seemed to enjoy lecturing me on what I should be doing with my life, but it didnt help. He didnt seem to understand that I just wasnt in the mood on the night.
I am sick and tired of feeling down in the dumps. I am sick and tired of my life seeming so pointless, and seeming like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't see an end to it. I actually understand why some people are drug / drink addicts, because right now, although I wont go through with it, all I feel like doing is going to the pub and getting sozzled.
If anyone, has ANY suggestions at all, to even begin to try and sort out this mess, then feel free.
I don't want anyone's sympathy. I realise that my predicament is probably all my own doing, but some realistic suggestions of what may help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
I'm not exactly sure when it started. It could have been weeks now, but perhaps months, maybe years, I just can't pinpoint when it happenned, but what I do know is that I am becoming more and more aware of it... and I would like to nip it in the bud before I go mad!
I just seem to have a feeling of emptiness or hopelessness at the moment, almost as if my life has been one long series of mistakes and bad decisions, and seems to have little real point any more.
The strange thing is, is that I know I should not feel like this. On the face of it, things don't seem that bad in many respects. I am 29. I am relatively healthy, I live in a nice house (albeit still with the rents). I have a nice car, all the toys (big TV, nice hifi, computers all that crap).
In fact now that I think about it, I have felt like this for a long time now. Years ago some advised me that I needed to look after myself better. Well, these days I eat healthily, go to the gym most days, and am in far better physical shape than I have been in any recent memory.
The thing is, as time has gone on, I can't help but think that material possessions do not make life worth living. Sure I have all of the nice toys, but my life seems completely empty and pointless.
When I left school, I admit that I was immature even by school leavers standards. I decided not to go for further education and straight into work as I was pretty decent at computers, and I enjoyed it (at the time, more on that later). I eventually got an apprenticeship in an IT job which did not go too well, but then later got a "proper" IT support job, which I am still in today.
Fast forward 10 years to today, and I am in a job which isn't terrible in many respects - they dont expect that much from anyone it would seem, but I feel as though I have been constantly overlooked and under-appreciated. Despite a rocky start, I eventually did find my feet in this job, and I believe I went on to become one of the hardest workers, but as time has gone on, I've watched people who have started well after I did, with less experience and ability, get promoted instead of me. Its almost like they are holding the past against me.
Not only that, but as the years have gone past, our job has changed to the point where it is now completely dumbed down. There is nothing technical about it any more, a trained monkey could do it. Over the last few years, what skills I did possess, have rotted away to nothing.
I now feel as though I would struggle to get another job elsewhere because of the fact that I have not kept on top of my skills.
I freely admit that I no longer like the IT industry, and I have pretty much given up now. I admit that I pretty much do the minimum that I can get away with, after all, when the management have shown as much contempt towards me as they have, why should I bend over backwards to help them. It has already been proven that it doesnt matter how hard I work, I'll never get off the bottom rung of the ladder, so I've given up trying. Despite the fact for the last few months now I dont give a crap, a lot of my colleagues for some bizarre reason still have the perception that I am a hard worker, and that I should continue to go for other stuff. I tell them that I wont waste any more of my time.
Its not just that though. I have basically never had a proper 'relationship' with any girl. Sure I've had dates, and whatnot but never really anything you could call a proper relationship. Sure I have had girls that have surely been keen enough where it could have happenned, but I simply didn't fancy them in any way at all, so I called it off in their cases...
I am not fussy, but it seems all of the girls I like find some reason to call it off. It baffles me at times - the last time I had met a girl I liked, on the day we met we got on real well. Then a week or so later had a date, where again, we appeared to get on. I suggested we did it again, to which she said "definitely". Yet a week later, I find myself yet again on the scrap heap for reasons I can only contemplate, but find impossible to fathom. This has been the story of my life, I feel...
As a result of all of this, my life has been about finding escape routes, ways to try and forget about my predicament. Although it may just been my perception of it, but its been hard for me to watch people who, in my opinion, are no better than me in any way, shape or form, move on in life, getting promoted quickly, meeting girls easily and settling with them, even when some of those in question never actually did anything other than played on their games console every weekend, and generally never actually went out.
Its made me feel like a failure, and as such, the last 10 or so years has been all about trying to make myself feel better. How have I done this? Well various things, but I mostly ended up going out on the lash with other single mates, pursuing my interest in cars and gadgets...
Its amazing just how many mates I've been through, as the mates who went out with me in the beginning, all moved on or settled down and actually did things with their lives. What did I do? I found more mates. I dont find this particularly hard to do, as I am a pretty sociable person most of the time.
However, there is only so often you can go out on the lash, usually twice or three times a week tops. What about the other days? Well in the early days, I must admit I turned to cannabis. I still have something of a weakness for it now if I am being honest, but the days of me smoking it regularly are long since past, I now only have small amounts relatively rarely, like as in once in a blue moon....
Why did I do that? Well it has this amazing ability to make an otherwise boring, pointless existence suddenly seem a lot more interesting. I wont go into just how much of a problem it became for me, but suffice to say there did come a time a number of years back when it was clear I'd have to knock it on the head; As a person who already finds motivation difficult to come by, this ruined what little resolve I had. I literally did not want to do anything else at one point.
When I knocked that on the head, it became material possessions. Cars, computers, hifi, AV, clothes you name it, I bought it. Hangovers after being on one of the aforementioned drinking sessions were the most dangerous times for me, because I was feeling at a low point, I would want to cheer myself up by "treating" myself.
Even my last car was bought when I was hungover, because "I fancied a change".
To cut a long story short, I am now £15,000 in debt. £15,000 in debt, yet the very things I am in debt for are probably worth maybe half of that debt. Even if I sell everything, I would not be able to pay for even half of it. Yet, if I did sell everything, I know that with no car, no TV, no music, no computers, things would seem even more tedious and pointless than they are already.
So what is the result of all of this? I am totally disillusioned with my life. I am not suicidal so dont get that idea, but I am just wondering what the point of it all is. I am in a job I dont enjoy, I cant seem to get a girlfriend, and although I get on with my rents, I cant help but feel I should be standing on my own two feet by now, but yet there is no prospect of this happenning for years due to the debt I am in.
I know that I have felt this way for quite some time, and I have tried to make myself feel better. This is the reason I go to the gym in some respects, so the exercise lifts my mood and I feel better about myself. I think it helps, albeit temporarily, but results are slow, and overall I feel as down as I ever did. I have tried with the diet thing, eating more healthy. I DO eat healthy, and it did initially help, but again I've just gone back to how I felt before.
If I do have one vice its the drink, but I have that under control. Nevertheless, I will probably have a bottle of wine through the week one day to "break up the week", and I pretty much drink all weekend, whether I actually go out or not.
I really want to turn things around, change things, but I just dont know how. My mind is a blank. Mentally I dont feel half as sharp as I did just 10 years ago. I realise that I am lucky to have my health, as there are many out there that are worse off than me. Its almost as if I have "demons" in my head which control me with the foggy grey cloud that always seems to hang over me.
I am sitting here on Monday morning, writing this, with the familiar feeling that I always seem to suffer at this point on a week. Its like a cycle. I must admit I am usually on the "unhappy" side of normal for most of the week, up until a weekend, when I can in fact be almost the opposite. However, last friday, even that was not enough, and I just couldnt get into the mood. Wasn't made any better for my mate lecturing me on being a miserable git really, and he seemed to enjoy lecturing me on what I should be doing with my life, but it didnt help. He didnt seem to understand that I just wasnt in the mood on the night.
I am sick and tired of feeling down in the dumps. I am sick and tired of my life seeming so pointless, and seeming like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't see an end to it. I actually understand why some people are drug / drink addicts, because right now, although I wont go through with it, all I feel like doing is going to the pub and getting sozzled.
If anyone, has ANY suggestions at all, to even begin to try and sort out this mess, then feel free.
I don't want anyone's sympathy. I realise that my predicament is probably all my own doing, but some realistic suggestions of what may help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.