Life is one of boredom and emptiness

DOBLY

Well-known Member
I think that one thing you need to do quickly is reprogram your attitude towards women. To talk of your "record" and "pulling" just isn't healthy - these terms may have suited your vocabulary back at age 19/20, but now you need to think of any (available) woman as a prospective partner and therefore equal - talking or even think of them as a 'conquest' won't get you very far in the medium to long term. I'm sure that you do not "repusle" women - the right one will see you for who you really are - as long as you don't put her off by an inappropriate comment or turn of phrase.

Do you have a female friend (who you do not fancy or have a history with) ? If so, approach her and appeal to her sensitive side (in confidence, of course). Ask her what she thinks of you and your situation. You may be surprised by the way she perceives you.
I'm not asking you to get all soft and touchy-feely or wet, just trying to get you to see how a potential long-term partner may see you.

It seems clear that you need to change jobs (perhaps within the company you currently work for, perhaps outside?), have a break from your routines, re-focus on doing things that actually bring you pleasure, and perhaps re-evaluate the way you think about people, certainly women of your own age (as possible partners).

Please don't take this the wrong way - I don't want to come across as patronising - it isn't meant to be. Good luck.
 

RHCP

Active Member
An old saying "do something each day that scares you", or something like that.

Life is too easy and you don't appreciate your down time.

Year ago I was soooo stuck in a rut without a job, but I kept myself busy playing bass guitar and learning kickboxing.

We had a gig and I **** myself, but loved it. And kept playing until it bored me. I got my black belt and started teaching kickboxing **** myself again at first and then loved it.
I went to uni and got a degree in IT & PE and after started working in schools as an ICT technician.
I Started getting in a rut again so last year I left to do a PGCE, now that was scary! The first time teaching 30 wide eyed monsters nearly made me want to shrivel up and disappear.

But these things scare you, sometimes you can't sleep at night because of thinking about it. These things also make you feel alive, especially when you accomplish things. I remember thinking **** I'm teaching year 10 and sixth form double lessons in one day. It scared me sh*tless, but I also knew that it wasn't gonna kill me.

I'm still scared now :eek:

I went for an interview to do supply, and I didn't know what to expect. I haven't had an interview for a long time and it did scare me a bit. I'm also scared that I'm gonna be teaching different subjects besides from ICT.

I always thought about being a teacher but was unsure because of the hard work and the change. She said 'yeah but it would be exciting though!', and it was exciting and scary.

I really got to appreciate my down time with my big TV and drinking with mates when I could.

I think you need something to keep your mind occupied but which is also exciting/scary. You live with your parents so you can afford to change your life without giving too much up.

Someone else said try martial arts, find out when the gradings are and when the competitions are and work towards them. I know competitions really make people scared, rightly so.

As for women, I have a friend who is ugly as sin, he meets girls all the time from the internet. Again another scary thing to do.

I think you have got to ask yourself the question, what do you want out of life, and spend hard time working towards your goal.
 

Ed Selley

AVF Reviewer
Firstly, about my job. I have to say, the main, and possibly the ONLY thing that has kept me there, is the fact that I work with some great people, many of whom I genuinely consider to be friends, good friends at that, not just normal "say hello in the street". These are people I've been on breaks with and go out socially with or a pretty regular basis. I really would have gone by now had I not had that, and I think, as someone else was trying to point out, that this makes things a LOT more bearable.

This is the only area I feel I can offer you any real advice as it mirrors my own experiences.

My last job was undertaken in the company of some of the best people I suspect I will ever meet. In both a professional and social sense I owe much to them for making me the person I am today. Each day spent with them was a pleasure.

As such it took quite a long time to work out that I, myself wasn't going anywhere. I was coasting and making no real progress. I was in a comfort zone and much as I enjoyed my job, I realised that I could wake up as a 40 year old and still be doing the same thing. This might have been less of a problem if the job didn't entail a four hour commute at high expense. As such, at the end of July I left my five year comfort zone and took a new job.

This new job is quite a bit more challenging- I work longer hours (although due to the reduction in commute, actually spend less time outside the house) and find myself actually tested over things. Best of all, it has scope to take me new places and to learn new things. I don't know what will happen when I'm 40 but the future looks a bit less pre-ordained.

Best of all, I work with a new crowd of great people. The enviroment is different and so are the relationships but I like my new company. The dynamics of these relationships will be different (to be honest some of my life experiences I don't really want to repeat!) but every now and again I can go out with the old crowd and scratch that itch.

Don't be afraid of changing- there will be changes but it won't be the end of the world.
Good luck anyway.
Ed
 

The Dude

Distinguished Member
If I were you, I'd immediately play my get out of jail card, and get out in the world on my own.


A 29 year old single male, living with his parents, is in a bad bad bad place. :oops:



If I were in your shoes, that situation would be the first and only thing I'd look at changing for now. A new career can wait for a bit yet, funky holidays in far off places can wait for a bit yet.

You getting your life started can't wait any longer, as you're suffering already, and time will run out one day.


Go build your own little castle somewhere, and watch the rest fall into place.



A 29 years old, single, employed, straight guy, with no kids, no psycho ex girlfriend stalking you, and basically no baggage at all (except for your parents).

You're basically grade A man-stock, for all the ladies out there. :thumbsup:

Seven out of ten 19-35 year old women would jump on you even if you were on fire....if you just made one little change to your current setup. ;)

You might think you can't afford to, but you'll find a way if you want it bad enough. :smashin:








On a more serious note, going from some of your first post you sound a lot like I used to sound. It took me a long time to come to terms that I was suffering with depression, and quite a long time to find a way of dealing with it.

I found my cure in some group counselling sessions I attended.
A dozen people just like me, except they weren't just like me!
They were better than me, they were worse than me, they were everybody.
We sat around having good long chats about our situations, and good long laughs about them too.

Don't rule out trying to find some help of this sort, you seem like the type who'd benefit enormously from talking about things in a safe, friendly environment ;)

- just don't bother taking any pills if you're offered by your GP. :)
 

Perceval

Banned
Why don't you join the TA? Earn extra cash, meet lots of new people, have something constructive to do on weekends...........
 

Rasczak

Distinguished Member
I agree with many of the comments made above. We've all been in the '30s' situation but you will come out the other side :) In the short term I would say increase your participation in non-work related activities. For example:

- Territorial Army or Royal Navy Reserve. As mentioned by anwarsadat you can't get a better activity than this - especially if you already do regular exercise. You won't meet many women doing this but you'll have alot of fun and it dovetails into related other activities. Plus it increases your salary by several thousand per year.

- Further Education. Sounds boring but have you considered maybe doing some 'night classes' in a topic that interests you or for a 'core skill' you have missing? How about learning a language? Or study history, politics, law etc etc.

- Clubs. Any particular interests you have? You mention you do exercise - how about joining a running club or similar? Interested in history? A Re-enactment society perhaps? Plenty of stuff on offer!

- Events. Get yourself out and about. You mention you like gadgets (don't we all :) ). Why not get yourself to the various shows and events around the country?

I think the key to getting over your depression is to get an active personal programme. This should knock your personal life into shape and give you a confidence boast to get your worklife sorted.
 

chief barker

Distinguished Member
You do need a verbal outlet fairly soon, if you dont feel like unloading on parents ,colleagues etc, then a trip to your doctor might be in order. i only suggest this as it worked for me twice. Your life situation as it stands appears to have made you very mildly depressed. Now most of you will disagree with what i suggest, but when I was in a similar state albeit slightly worse, i chatted with the doc, and he advised very mild anti-depressants. Forgetting their negative connotations for a minute, the effect they had was akin to lifting a veil of fog of negative feelings and emotions which after two weeks allowed me NOT to feel negative and to think and focus on the reality of the situation.

Maybe you dont need this level of intervention at the moment?

You go to the gym. Only form of exercise? Try riding a bike for leisure and fitness. Get fitted to a bike properly and explore the countryside. Freedom from your thoughts. Oh and a new job and getting **** wouldnt go amiss either :thumbsup:.

Best of Luck. . .Oh, and cut down the booze, as alcohol is a depressant!

I couldn't agree more,

I am a prime example of how negative thoughts and feelings can bring you down to a level of despair, for as long as I can remember I have always bottled up my feelings and due to this alone I ended up with an emotional breakdown this year. This was also fuelled by many disasters that have happened in my family life this year.


I am now seeing a psychologist on a regular basis and various other support groups.

The mind and body are as one, and I have learnt over this past year that ok, we look after our bodies by going to the gym and eating healthily but we neglect the main thing that controls us, our minds.

There is a certain amount of stigma about therapy but believe me it does work. However I am not suggesting that O/P will need it but find somebody that he can confide in and don't be afraid of showing your emotions.
 

deanym

Well-known Member
Around women, behave as if you're already taken, it makes them think they're missing something and consequently makes you more attractive to them. They can smell a single, desperate man from miles away and you'll only end up with a desperate woman.
 

aphex232

Member
unless ive foreshadowed the previous posts, ive noticed that nobody has mentioned.....religion?
 

aphex232

Member
Yeah but desperate woman PUT OUT! BIG TIME!! :D

my mates just comeback from newcastle this weekend, and he told me that place was full of desperate, loose but attractive women :thumbsup:

sorry mr birkett, i know that doesnt help....
 

Hitby

Well-known Member
as johntheexpat said on page one - it's got to be your work.

I know myself that if I'm not busy at work and I'm just passing the days etc then I get really down and can't be bothered to get up to come to work etc. When I am busy on the other hand and I'm achieveing something then EVERYTHING feels different. From the moment my alarm goes off till when I put the light out, the whole day is improved if I'm busy at work.

Having said that, right now I've just finished a massive project so I'm writing this waiting for 4.30 so I can go to the pub lol

Good luck with whatever you decide though mate!

edit:mad:aphex232 - I work in Newcastle, there's plenty of desperate women here but attractive? Think your mate was wearing beer goggles :) The only attractive one lives in London with her fella Ashley ;)
 
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Bald Monkey

Novice Member
unless ive foreshadowed the previous posts, ive noticed that nobody has mentioned.....religion?

:D So not only is the OP disilusioned with life at the mo he should find religion and learn he's damned to an eternity in hell for the life he's already led how's that going to help ;) :D

I agree with the comments here, if the women you meet think you are desperate they won't find it attractive. Both men and women seem to list confidence as one of the most attractive qualities.

You may get lucky! :devil: but if it's a realtionship you are after, concentrate on making female friends. not only do you benefit from gaining some new friends, maybe even with a different perspective, but you might also find one of those friends has more to offer than you first thought, and if not well at least they increase your chances of meeting the right women by increasing the female percentage of your social group ;) :D

However at 32 myself I honestly feel a lot of this is your age... I think you are right to ask what is the point... IMHO there is no point, never has been we are all insignificant, except to those who care and ourselves.. I feel that's why some people marry and have kids, they want to feel important and needed. For some this is the perfect way to give their life meaning. Others may well find religion gives them meaning and aims etc... You simply need to find what you want to do. It is all about you though IMHO, a girfriend a new job etc.. won't solve this, sure improve enough of your life and you'll feel better, but figure out what it is you want from life and set out to get it, once you have established firm goals and aims and you'll probably find your life gets better too. :smashin:
 

Suave

Distinguished Member
Hi,

I know this will be a quite conterversial post but bear with me! Regarding women! I am not too bad a looking stalion, I think I have a great personality with a great sense of humour and an open, friendly, adaptable nature - good dress sense, clean and trendy blah, blah, blah! Yet, with women, (like most of us), for me, it can be a real hit and miss (more often) affair!

But, I have a friend who for all accounts and purposes, cannot compete with most other guys in terms what what we guys think women want - he sure ain't pretty, not sophisticated or tactful, has the manners of a donkey, couldn't care less about his attitude or the way he dresses etc - he is very rude and arrogant and lacks everything possible that would make women supposedly even remotely interested in him. Yep, a real scumbag! BUT, this guy regularly scores big time with all kinds of women - single, married, divorced, widowed, rich, poor etc - he does not care and they just seem to melt to him - I have never seen anything like it - they tote after him like lost puppies and will do almost anything for him and the bastard never ever pays for anything! (I tried one of his techniques and ended up with a slap!)

So, if it helps, please do not think that your relationship/attraction issues with women is all your fault - there is, it seems no rhyme or reason other wise my mate would have been castrated by now! I hope that helps to put a smile on your face!


Suave!
 

eric pisch

Distinguished Member
Hi,

I know this will be a quite conterversial post but bear with me! Regarding women! I am not too bad a looking stalion, I think I have a great personality with a great sense of humour and an open, friendly, adaptable nature - good dress sense, clean and trendy blah, blah, blah! Yet, with women, (like most of us), for me, it can be a real hit and miss (more often) affair!

But, I have a friend who for all accounts and purposes, cannot compete with most other guys in terms what what we guys think women want - he sure ain't pretty, not sophisticated or tactful, has the manners of a donkey, couldn't care less about his attitude or the way he dresses etc - he is very rude and arrogant and lacks everything possible that would make women supposedly even remotely interested in him. Yep, a real scumbag! BUT, this guy regularly scores big time with all kinds of women - single, married, divorced, widowed, rich, poor etc - he does not care and they just seem to melt to him - I have never seen anything like it - they tote after him like lost puppies and will do almost anything for him and the bastard never ever pays for anything! (I tried one of his techniques and ended up with a slap!)

So, if it helps, please do not think that your relationship/attraction issues with women is all your fault - there is, it seems no rhyme or reason other wise my mate would have been castrated by now! I hope that helps to put a smile on your face!


Suave!

Two things I have learnt about the alien race,

1) They have 2 types of ideal men, there's the settle down and produce kids man (normally boring and dependable) and there's the "one night stand" man and often he's a bad boy/rebel and everything society says a man shouldn't be.

2) Most women cant stand being ignored and not flirted with even if they think your disgusting, I'm a fugly guy (to much rugby and boxing in my youth) but I found that by going to a bar with my sister (a model at the time) and ignoring the women there that many would come up chat, buy me a drink and even give me there number when she went of the bathroom :eek:

3) Women don't know what they want or like and change there mind faster than a F1 car can change gear so none of this is right, even point 3 :confused:
 

supersonicnoel

Standard Member
HI Mate,

Sounds like your pretty fed up. I haven't read every single word of this post but wanted to add a couple so apologise if I repeat anything.

I have a mate who's in IT and I think he was pretty disillusioned about the whole industry as well, but he moved jobs (still in IT) but he had new surrounding and new people to become friends with and he loves it now, could it just the company you work for?

The fact of the matter is there are things that are in your life that your obviously not happy with, you can't solve them all at the same time, they have got to be dealt with one by one. Eg the debt, make that more manageable make an effort to reduce it, don't buy the next gadget if you don't need it (i think I need to take some of my own advice ha)

I can send you a couple of excel spreadsheets to help with budgeting and cashflow?

Once you start feeling better in one aspect of your life it will flow into the next ie with women. You might be unintentionally scaring them away due to pure negativity, believe me women pick up on this. Women like a bloke who is confident and kind of knows what he wants, has ambition, walks tall and looks after them self etc. The key that works for me is a little arrogance, but not too much as it can be taken as cockyness, which is a real no no. Let women talk to you, ask them questions, and LISTEN, maybe write things down just to remember and don't just talk about you all the time (thats if you do) etc etc. The thing is this won't improve until you feel better within yourself.

You still live with your parents, but so what, its the worse time to buy/sell due to the uncertainly in the market so I would, stop worrying about that and set yourself a goal of clearing your debt and saving for a deposit in the next couple years. By that time it should have all settled down.

Just as a final note, buy Paul McKenna's Confidence book, includes a hypno CD which is pretty good, and the book called the secret (by an irish writer, cant remember who) just puts life into context.

On a personal note, get rid of the boy racer image, i personally hate those cars (no offense) but the people that drive them come with a certain image, that puts women off. Also buy a fitted suit then go out of a drink, believe me it works.

Hope this helps mate.

Good Luck
 
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aphex232

Member
- I work in Newcastle, there's plenty of desperate women here but attractive? Think your mate was wearing beer goggles :) The only attractive one lives in London with her fella Ashley ;)

:D i knew someone would say that :rotfl: he went into some goth bar he said, maybe that had somet to do with it
 

aphex232

Member
:D So not only is the OP disilusioned with life at the mo he should find religion and learn he's damned to an eternity in hell for the life he's already led how's that going to help ;) :D

:D:rotfl::D yer.....but on a serious note, im religious, and that gives me the direction i need in my life :smashin:....im not saying it will work, it certainly doesnt for everyone, but its only a suggestion

PS. im not islamic or jewish :rolleyes:
 

Jay

Banned
Hi,

I know this will be a quite conterversial post but bear with me! Regarding women! I am not too bad a looking stalion, I think I have a great personality with a great sense of humour and an open, friendly, adaptable nature - good dress sense, clean and trendy blah, blah, blah! Yet, with women, (like most of us), for me, it can be a real hit and miss (more often) affair!

Oohhh you modest guy you :rotfl:

Maybe it's your modesty that puts the ladies off :D
 

rhcppepers

Active Member
Whenever I feel down I count myself lucky why, because there are people in war zones, people starving and people affected by natural disasters. The original poster should do some charity work and visit countries that can be described as hell on earth. The original poster will be cured after one week in one of the poorest countries on earth.
 

la gran siete

Distinguished Member
Hi pbirkett
I think you have been very courageous in coming here and being so honest about your self.I would find it very difficult to open up like that basically because there is nagging voice in the back of my head which tells me to get a grip and stop wallowing in self pity.Truth is we all have our down moments and some get it very severely - its called depression,If you think you have that then i suggest you go and see your Doc,pronto!
I dont think you are looking for sympathy but there is quite a lot of empathy going on here which is much better because it means you are not alone. Others can relate ,maybe not entirely, but enough to want share their thoughts.
I was thinking maybe you should draw a list of things you ,might like to do ie where to live getting you own place what kind of occupation you'd like etc.Once you've got those pictured in your mind enduring your present job wont seem so bad because you know you'll be out sometime.I f you truly are depressed than all that is going to seem too daunting in which case antidepressants and therapy will enable you to clear your mind sufficiently to move forward.
anyway good luck
 

kav

Distinguished Member
With regard to your job, I think some solid advice has been given there and you should try to find something new.

I f you truly are depressed than all that is going to seem too daunting in which case antidepressants and therapy will enable you to clear your mind sufficiently to move forward.
anyway good luck

I fully agree on this point too. A mate has been on antidepresants for several months now and the change in him is like night and day - he's responded amazingly well to them. See a doc. Don't feel ashamed about it. If you feel depressed, and have done for a while, then there's a strong possibility you are at least mildly clinically depressed.

Must forewarn you though, be prepared for your GP to be dismissive of your predicament. I find it disgusting in this day and age how some people get treated when they go to seek help for depression - so many doctors still have a "pull your socks up" mentality. If you get one like this, seek a second opinion - do NOT be fobbed off. Bear in mind that depression is a medical condition and it is highly treatable. The stigma attached to it, coupled with oft-unsympathetic doctors, is, sadly, enough to put most men off getting themselves sorted out.

Note: Of course none of the above should be substituted for proper medical advice, just make sure you get a second opinion if you feel you need to.
 

Bill Hicks

Banned
With regard to your job, I think some solid advice has been given there and you should try to find something new.



I fully agree on this point too. A mate has been on antidepresants for several months now and the change in him is like night and day - he's responded amazingly well to them. See a doc. Don't feel ashamed about it. If you feel depressed, and have done for a while, then there's a strong possibility you are at least mildly clinically depressed.

Must forewarn you though, be prepared for your GP to be dismissive of your predicament. I find it disgusting in this day and age how some people get treated when they go to seek help for depression - so many doctors still have a "pull your socks up" mentality. If you get one like this, seek a second opinion - do NOT be fobbed off. Bear in mind that depression is a medical condition and it is highly treatable. The stigma attached to it, coupled with oft-unsympathetic doctors, is, sadly, enough to put most men off getting themselves sorted out.

Note: Of course none of the above should be substituted for proper medical advice, just make sure you get a second opinion if you feel you need to.

No truer words have been spoken on this forum!
Good luck mate and all the best. :smashin:
 

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