Life is one of boredom and emptiness

WhyAyeMan

Member
Right I'll say off the bat, this is probably going to be a long post, so I apologise for that, I just need an outlet to vent my feelings at the moment, so bear with me.

I'm not exactly sure when it started. It could have been weeks now, but perhaps months, maybe years, I just can't pinpoint when it happenned, but what I do know is that I am becoming more and more aware of it... and I would like to nip it in the bud before I go mad!

I just seem to have a feeling of emptiness or hopelessness at the moment, almost as if my life has been one long series of mistakes and bad decisions, and seems to have little real point any more.

The strange thing is, is that I know I should not feel like this. On the face of it, things don't seem that bad in many respects. I am 29. I am relatively healthy, I live in a nice house (albeit still with the rents). I have a nice car, all the toys (big TV, nice hifi, computers all that crap).

In fact now that I think about it, I have felt like this for a long time now. Years ago some advised me that I needed to look after myself better. Well, these days I eat healthily, go to the gym most days, and am in far better physical shape than I have been in any recent memory.

The thing is, as time has gone on, I can't help but think that material possessions do not make life worth living. Sure I have all of the nice toys, but my life seems completely empty and pointless.

When I left school, I admit that I was immature even by school leavers standards. I decided not to go for further education and straight into work as I was pretty decent at computers, and I enjoyed it (at the time, more on that later). I eventually got an apprenticeship in an IT job which did not go too well, but then later got a "proper" IT support job, which I am still in today.

Fast forward 10 years to today, and I am in a job which isn't terrible in many respects - they dont expect that much from anyone it would seem, but I feel as though I have been constantly overlooked and under-appreciated. Despite a rocky start, I eventually did find my feet in this job, and I believe I went on to become one of the hardest workers, but as time has gone on, I've watched people who have started well after I did, with less experience and ability, get promoted instead of me. Its almost like they are holding the past against me.

Not only that, but as the years have gone past, our job has changed to the point where it is now completely dumbed down. There is nothing technical about it any more, a trained monkey could do it. Over the last few years, what skills I did possess, have rotted away to nothing.

I now feel as though I would struggle to get another job elsewhere because of the fact that I have not kept on top of my skills.

I freely admit that I no longer like the IT industry, and I have pretty much given up now. I admit that I pretty much do the minimum that I can get away with, after all, when the management have shown as much contempt towards me as they have, why should I bend over backwards to help them. It has already been proven that it doesnt matter how hard I work, I'll never get off the bottom rung of the ladder, so I've given up trying. Despite the fact for the last few months now I dont give a crap, a lot of my colleagues for some bizarre reason still have the perception that I am a hard worker, and that I should continue to go for other stuff. I tell them that I wont waste any more of my time.

Its not just that though. I have basically never had a proper 'relationship' with any girl. Sure I've had dates, and whatnot but never really anything you could call a proper relationship. Sure I have had girls that have surely been keen enough where it could have happenned, but I simply didn't fancy them in any way at all, so I called it off in their cases...

I am not fussy, but it seems all of the girls I like find some reason to call it off. It baffles me at times - the last time I had met a girl I liked, on the day we met we got on real well. Then a week or so later had a date, where again, we appeared to get on. I suggested we did it again, to which she said "definitely". Yet a week later, I find myself yet again on the scrap heap for reasons I can only contemplate, but find impossible to fathom. This has been the story of my life, I feel...

As a result of all of this, my life has been about finding escape routes, ways to try and forget about my predicament. Although it may just been my perception of it, but its been hard for me to watch people who, in my opinion, are no better than me in any way, shape or form, move on in life, getting promoted quickly, meeting girls easily and settling with them, even when some of those in question never actually did anything other than played on their games console every weekend, and generally never actually went out.

Its made me feel like a failure, and as such, the last 10 or so years has been all about trying to make myself feel better. How have I done this? Well various things, but I mostly ended up going out on the lash with other single mates, pursuing my interest in cars and gadgets...

Its amazing just how many mates I've been through, as the mates who went out with me in the beginning, all moved on or settled down and actually did things with their lives. What did I do? I found more mates. I dont find this particularly hard to do, as I am a pretty sociable person most of the time.

However, there is only so often you can go out on the lash, usually twice or three times a week tops. What about the other days? Well in the early days, I must admit I turned to cannabis. I still have something of a weakness for it now if I am being honest, but the days of me smoking it regularly are long since past, I now only have small amounts relatively rarely, like as in once in a blue moon....

Why did I do that? Well it has this amazing ability to make an otherwise boring, pointless existence suddenly seem a lot more interesting. I wont go into just how much of a problem it became for me, but suffice to say there did come a time a number of years back when it was clear I'd have to knock it on the head; As a person who already finds motivation difficult to come by, this ruined what little resolve I had. I literally did not want to do anything else at one point.

When I knocked that on the head, it became material possessions. Cars, computers, hifi, AV, clothes you name it, I bought it. Hangovers after being on one of the aforementioned drinking sessions were the most dangerous times for me, because I was feeling at a low point, I would want to cheer myself up by "treating" myself.

Even my last car was bought when I was hungover, because "I fancied a change".

To cut a long story short, I am now £15,000 in debt. £15,000 in debt, yet the very things I am in debt for are probably worth maybe half of that debt. Even if I sell everything, I would not be able to pay for even half of it. Yet, if I did sell everything, I know that with no car, no TV, no music, no computers, things would seem even more tedious and pointless than they are already.

So what is the result of all of this? I am totally disillusioned with my life. I am not suicidal so dont get that idea, but I am just wondering what the point of it all is. I am in a job I dont enjoy, I cant seem to get a girlfriend, and although I get on with my rents, I cant help but feel I should be standing on my own two feet by now, but yet there is no prospect of this happenning for years due to the debt I am in.

I know that I have felt this way for quite some time, and I have tried to make myself feel better. This is the reason I go to the gym in some respects, so the exercise lifts my mood and I feel better about myself. I think it helps, albeit temporarily, but results are slow, and overall I feel as down as I ever did. I have tried with the diet thing, eating more healthy. I DO eat healthy, and it did initially help, but again I've just gone back to how I felt before.

If I do have one vice its the drink, but I have that under control. Nevertheless, I will probably have a bottle of wine through the week one day to "break up the week", and I pretty much drink all weekend, whether I actually go out or not.

I really want to turn things around, change things, but I just dont know how. My mind is a blank. Mentally I dont feel half as sharp as I did just 10 years ago. I realise that I am lucky to have my health, as there are many out there that are worse off than me. Its almost as if I have "demons" in my head which control me with the foggy grey cloud that always seems to hang over me.

I am sitting here on Monday morning, writing this, with the familiar feeling that I always seem to suffer at this point on a week. Its like a cycle. I must admit I am usually on the "unhappy" side of normal for most of the week, up until a weekend, when I can in fact be almost the opposite. However, last friday, even that was not enough, and I just couldnt get into the mood. Wasn't made any better for my mate lecturing me on being a miserable git really, and he seemed to enjoy lecturing me on what I should be doing with my life, but it didnt help. He didnt seem to understand that I just wasnt in the mood on the night.

I am sick and tired of feeling down in the dumps. I am sick and tired of my life seeming so pointless, and seeming like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't see an end to it. I actually understand why some people are drug / drink addicts, because right now, although I wont go through with it, all I feel like doing is going to the pub and getting sozzled.

If anyone, has ANY suggestions at all, to even begin to try and sort out this mess, then feel free.

I don't want anyone's sympathy. I realise that my predicament is probably all my own doing, but some realistic suggestions of what may help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading. :)
 

Iccz

Member
Working in the IT industry myself I know how you feel about management, it's the same all over the country anyone else in it i'm sure will agree, contracted or full time management seems to be the worst part about the job.

I think it's easy to pick bad points on anything, especially yourself and how you feel you're living, and it doesn't really do much for you doing so.

You're still young, maybe you could look at courses to help yourself find a change in career, after all you have one thing that is vital in the IT industry and that's experience, all be it you're "behind" on skills or whatever, im sure you'd be able to pick things up quickly. Experience is huge when looking for a job, sure skills help, maybe look at some home study courses, there are plenty of places which offer them, just depends what would interest you.

Here where I work, at a software development company, we generally don't care so much for the uni students with their computer science degrees or having been taught programming elsewhere, we go for experience in the computer industry in general and look for potential for training that way they will be moulded into what the company needs.
You're 29, you're still young really, there is time for change, plenty.


Relationships... well, it's always easy to see the gloom of it all, but there's not a lot you can do to make anything easier really, you can increase your chances of finding people by going out to places, or even looking on the internet - possibly dating sites, but right now I think romance should be lower down your list of priorities, it will be a lot easier to get yourself a girlfriend when you have greater stability and happiness with yourself and your job. It will make it all a lot easier.


You mentioned going to the gym so I assume you're in reasonable shape, have you considered looking around locally for martial art classes?
They are great for venting and some of them will also help you with your state of mind, relaxation and suchness. Plus it will keep on with your fitness routine. It's worth considering. Plus maybe there might be some girls there of interest?

Like I said with your job it's not too late to think about changing, just think it through, look at your options, see what appeals.

You know yourself that the drink isn't ideal, maybe try to slowly cut down on how much you drink, find other things to do at the weekend, maybe this is where you could spend time studying for a course to try help for a new job. Cutting down on the drinking is something i'm not really going to be of great help with as I never really drink much myself and don't really know how it feels to want to drink everynight or such.

One big thing that will help your feelings is having someone to talk to, to really open up to, even if all they do is listen, just having someone to listen to what you got to say sometimes can make a huge difference and feel like its taking a weight off your shoulders.
 

Broxi1979

Active Member
Life isn't one of boredom and emptiness ... it's what you make it .. and I know that's a cliche and not what you need to hear but there is truth in that. They say that the world around you never changes, only your perception of it.

Think how many times in the past you thought you had everything sussed out only to realise a couple of year or a few more experiences down the road that you were completely wrong before.

I think you are stuck in a rut mate and most of this comes down to your job, how long have you worked for this company BTW?

If you have worked there since you were a young lad, it can sometimes be hard to shake of this image with your bosses that you're "the boy", the young member of staff. I had this for a long time until I told my boss that I was handing my notice in because another company offered me more money. I got a 7k increase just like that.

I eventually did leave them about 6 months later and I've went from strength to strength since. I'm the same age as you and I'll be running my own company as of this time next week. I could never have imagined that 2 years ago.

As for being stuck in a rut, your life has become one of routine and safeness, this is not what human beings need or should seek, I think we only find meaning in challenge and having to struggle a little, we need that stress. I think this is human nature and I think that is why these economically safe Scandinavian countries have such high suicide rates. I think you need to change things up a little, introduce a new challenge in your life.

Or if that's too much of a jump, why not enroll in a night class and learn a second language? You'll meet new people and perhaps some nice girls through that too?

As for your debt, I wouldn't worry about that, just tighten what you spend and plug away at it, you'll pay it off. Make that your challenge ... drive taxis at night and put all that extra cash to your debt. It'll keep you out the house, talking to people and off the mid-week drinking.

Anyway, you come across as a smart guy, I'm sure things will work out for you soon and when you least expect it. All the best mate.
 

Suave

Distinguished Member
Hi,

Maybe you feeling like this is the real blessing in your life - the things and actions that the world and our minds/ego's say we need to make us truly are nothing more than transitory - it could very well be that your own inner nature is sending you a very clear message asking you to base your life and decisions/actions on things that will enable you to live a life of happiness as base state and so empower you accordingly. You do not have to give up anything or become a hermit - your happiness comes from within, circumstances will always change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst, if you nurture your motives to listen to your true inner voice & conscience, then you will always be on the right track as long as ones intention is in harmony and things are thought of and enacted upon sincerely not just upon your own life, but everything and everyone you encounter.

Suave!
 

johntheexpat

Distinguished Member
It always amazes me how so many people totally disregard the importance of work. It takes up such a huge percentage of your waking time (what with work, getting there and back, worrying about it in the evening, socialising with colleagues etc etc.) It is the dominant factor in your life. Even when you are married and with kids, (male or female) work is up there dominating everything. So, if work sucks, life sucks.
If you go to work and feel that you are wasting your time, or not achieving what you should (ie you could, given the chance, do things better/faster/cheaper etc) then without any shadow of a doubt it eats away at you 24/7. Getting lashed once or twice a week makes things worse, because for the time you are three sheets to the wind you are even more maudlin than usual.
When I was in logistics, there was a phase when the person who rated his job most highly was the warehouse cleaner. He appreciated that he wasn't a star when it came to IQ and common sense and was, quite honestly, just happy to have been given the job. But (and this is a big but..) he took pride in his job. It was easy to see when he had done his work well, so he could be happy with the results at the end of the shift. Everyone else appreciated a job well done, so we took more care about litter and mess, and so he knew we appreciated him. He was happy to have a job, he did it well and his work was appreciated - now that's the recipe for job satisfaction.
(The GM earned 5 or 6 times as much and everybody loathed him, he knew it and nobody lifted a finger to make his job easier, so he loathed us too. Very little job satisfaction there, believe you me!)

It's apparent from your post that you don't like your job (unappreciated, no real challenge, no prospects etc etc) and this is eating away at you.

Solution: I don't really have to spell it out, do I?? :thumbsup:
 

Jay

Banned
Johntheexpat summed it up perfectly.

It seems that the main reason for your happiness seems to be the job.

As most of you know you're in work more than your anywhere else and waking up knowing you're going somewhere you hate really gets you down.

You need to find another job.

For me personally what would bother me more than the job I'm doing is the people I work with, I could be packing boxes in a factory but if I got on with the people I'd like it more than doing something more interesting with a team of idiots.

With regards to the girl then maybe you're being too picky, or you're not looking in the right places.

Maybe if/when yhou find yourself a new job you might meet someone there, or in your circle of friends.

Going out personally isn't the right place to meet someone, I dj and the offers are always there, but it ain't the sort of girls I'd want to have a relationship with.

One things for certain, and you seem to be in a viscious circle, and you're only going to feel worse.

You are the only one that can sort this out, so try and get the motivation and get cracking.

Life is too short, don't waste it.
 

Toasty

Distinguished Member
Money, women and work problems, sound familiar to anyone? ;) Rest assured you're not the only one having these types of feelings. There's been some good advice so far and people have highlighted your job, however, I suspect the relationship aspect also bothers you quite a bit. I've no specific advise about that, but certainly look into new interests, activities and a new job, all will give you a change of pace, environment and new people to meet. :thumbsup:
 

mjn

Distinguished Member
Become a man whore in the evenings.....earn cash, pay off debts and meet girls!

More seriously, sounds like you need a couple of challenges / goals in your life. I always make sure i have 5 or 6 a year to complete, and make sure i complete them!
 

jendo

Member
I remember once that when i was having trouble my dad said to me that few people can cope well with problems at work and home. Get one sorted and hopefully the other will follow.
It seems to me, judging bye your first post, that a new job is in order. A new challenge and starting with a clean slate might gift you the lift you are looking for.

Not trying to make any assumption here but have you considered that you might be suffering from mild depression. Doctors are very sympathetic with this ever increasingly common condition and might be worth a friendly chat.

All the best jendo
 

Digger

Well-known Member
You do need a verbal outlet fairly soon, if you dont feel like unloading on parents ,colleagues etc, then a trip to your doctor might be in order. i only suggest this as it worked for me twice. Your life situation as it stands appears to have made you very mildly depressed. Now most of you will disagree with what i suggest, but when I was in a similar state albeit slightly worse, i chatted with the doc, and he advised very mild anti-depressants. Forgetting their negative connotations for a minute, the effect they had was akin to lifting a veil of fog of negative feelings and emotions which after two weeks allowed me NOT to feel negative and to think and focus on the reality of the situation.

Maybe you dont need this level of intervention at the moment?

You go to the gym. Only form of exercise? Try riding a bike for leisure and fitness. Get fitted to a bike properly and explore the countryside. Freedom from your thoughts. Oh and a new job and getting **** wouldnt go amiss either :thumbsup:.

Best of Luck. . .Oh, and cut down the booze, as alcohol is a depressant!
 
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Davieboy00

Active Member
Fast forward 10 years to today, and I am in a job which isn't terrible in many respects - they dont expect that much from anyone it would seem, but I feel as though I have been constantly overlooked and under-appreciated. Despite a rocky start, I eventually did find my feet in this job, and I believe I went on to become one of the hardest workers, but as time has gone on, I've watched people who have started well after I did, with less experience and ability, get promoted instead of me.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was in my previous job for 8 years , 5 of which I enjoyed , with the last 3 being torture for very similar reasons to yourself.
As a result I went off the rails and got into a bit of trouble as a way of venting my frustration. I haven't quoted all of your post but I was also in debt to the tune of £10,000 , got into some substance use and alienated a lot of people.
I was in a very deep hole and couldn't see a way out.
There is no quick fix , it is very much a case of trying to reinforce the positives in your life. You are obviously good at your job or you wouldn't be employed. Remind yourself of the good things that you still have and try not to let the negatives run your life.
First steps - get help with you debt / substance abuse issues if they are still a problem. Next is to look for a new job where they will appreciate your skills and you as a person.
It may look bleak at the moment but there are very few issues that are insurmountable.
All the best.
David
 

FunkyMunkey

Well-known Member
I agree with the above: you need to change your job. I am similar to you in that I often have a lack of motivation, but then I decided to retrain as a physio and its been the best thing I've done. I'm at uni, working over the hols (which is why I'm on here so much right now. Desk job = deadly boring).

I would also recommend you STOP going to the gym. I went for a long time, but found it the most vacuous, lifeforce-sapping experience - a whole bunch of preening people staring in the mirrors or at women's bums makes you just like them, and its probably a bad thing for someone in your frame of mind.

Try joining a martial arts club or something, something with a POINT to it, rather than just looking good. If you're a sociable guy, you'll meet new people who may have interests other than going out on the lash - the very people who you said have "moved on". In essence, you'll be moving on, too.

Us humans really need challenges to keep us going, and it sounds like you need to challenge yourself more because you've just given up. I can only go on what you've said, but have you REALLY looked into other companies or careers. Have you applied for any/many jobs outside of your current company? From my experience, most people who complain about their jobs and lives don't make any true effort to change it because it's easier to stay put. Well, it ain't easy 'cos it actually makes you feel like :censored:.

I know what you mean about the gadgets. though. I've just finished doing up my living room, and although its great to have it finished with nice amp, HTPC, etc, I miss the stimulation of actually doing the DIY... researching things, fixing problems that occur. In a way it feels kind of empty when you've finished the project or bought the gadget.
 

kopchoir

Banned
Lets all go get smashed:thumbsup:
 

Alan_W

Active Member
Stop the booze and weed.

Stop comparing yourself unfavourably to other people.

Get out and do new things, meet new people. You say you lose friends and relationships easily - do you drive them away? is it the booze? self-pity?

Get involved in doing things for other people Round Table, voluntary work etc. You will meet different people, with different things in common, and maybe realise the crosses other have to bear.

You have made a HUGE step in realizing somehting is wrong and are starting to seek solutions. That is step one.

You must now start to make changes. Good Luck
 

avinitski

Member
the job someone is in can totally influence what you are like as a person, after all most people spend most of the day at work rather than with their family \ friends, the last job i had i was there for 6 years, i hated it towards the end, the last year or so, at the time i knew i hated it and i had a lot of the feelings that you mentioned in your post but i didn't realise it until a friend offered me a job elsewhere that i simply could not refuse, anyway when i started my new job it slowly started to dawn on me how much i truly hated my last job and i was blind to how it was effecting me outside of work, its as if i was taking the unhappiness of my job home with me, it must have crept up on me and over time and it became the norm to feel this way.

i know things like this never help but there are a lot of people in world that are in such a worse place than yourself, at least you dont live in the middle of a civil war etc

i would seriously consider looking for employment elsewhere.

I would also recommend you going on a holiday, take a month or two off work, go round the world, do a 2 month tour of Africa or Australia or something like that, even just go away for a week or so, refresh yourself, have a think about things and seriously consider finding work somewhere else, doing this really changed me for the better and i am SO glad i did it when i had the opportunity.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Ferris: Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.


i wish you all the best, it would be interesting to hear how you are getting on a little further down the line, maybe in a month or two find this thread and post back.
 
I say quit the game, thats all it is a game, set out and to be played but you dont know the rules. Get a campervan and live life on the road with no plan and let life show you what is possible, you will see and do things that will fullfill you because synchronicity will show you life is but a ride and you are the operator, reality is not external it is within you and you can create the reality if only you can let go of the ego and find the self.
 

Gary D

Distinguished Member
I.T. is crap, i wasted a decade of my life in IT

Thread posted while working in IT
http://www.avforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=228647

Thread posted born out of depression at work:
http://www.avforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=227268

Firstly don't worry about women, they turn up when your not looking :)

What do you enjoy doing? can you make a career of it? Can you get trained in it? Make a plan and start to make it come true. It might take you 5 years to achieve what you want but at least you will be on the road to it - a light at the end of the tunnel if you will.

If you stick where you are now then in 5 years you could well find yourself out of work, IT support is for monkeys, and the monkeys are getting younger and the equipment more reliable, even if the users are more stupid.

You need a plan fella.

All the best....



G
 

WhyAyeMan

Member
Hi all,

Thanks very much for all of the comments. I must admit, I do feel a bit better this afternoon, and the comments really have given me a lot to think about.

I'd like to comment a bit more on some of your points - there have been some good points made, and apologies if I dont mention any of them, as my memory is shot at the best of times.

Firstly, about my job. I have to say, the main, and possibly the ONLY thing that has kept me there, is the fact that I work with some great people, many of whom I genuinely consider to be friends, good friends at that, not just normal "say hello in the street". These are people I've been on breaks with and go out socially with or a pretty regular basis. I really would have gone by now had I not had that, and I think, as someone else was trying to point out, that this makes things a LOT more bearable.

When I first started at the job, I was pretty inexperienced at it, and I basically talked my way into it, even though it was possible they were looking for someone with more experience. I went into the job as a very immature 20 year old, who, if I was being totally honest, did not know what he wanted out of life, and at the time, I was at the height of my "drink and drug" problems. As such I had a rocky start. At first I really did try very hard, but felt I was undermined by a boss who expected too much too early, and was then some time later given an appraisal which I felt to be unfair.

This was to just push me further and further into total apathy for it, until one day, at xmas I went completely off the rails at the xmas party. I wont bore you with the details, but I got absolutely wrecked on free booze, and caused several hundreds of pounds worth of damage to the work property (I did not know what I was doing), and then consequently got ejected for fighting.

Since then, I feel that I have come in for quite a rough time, and although most admit that those days are quite a way in the past, I dont think I've ever shaken the "bad boy" image... indeed, one or two people in there have nicknames for me I've heard... one openly calls me "bad boy", another calls me "road rage" (possibly in part because of the slightly boy-racer looking car I drive), and I've heard someone refer to me as "crazy paul". :rotfl:

Its all very funny, I suppose, but then I think for those reasons are some of the reasons why I have probably not progressed anywhere. Seen as being a bit of liability probably. I think this is somewhat unfair, since any incidents in the past (and there have been others I've not mentioned, but all were quite a long time ago) were done strictly outside of work time, but I guess word gets around through the usual channels.

All in all, my assesment of my current situation is, perhaps, that I've reeped what I've sewn in a time when I didn't really fully understand the consequences of my actions. Its only been after my mid 20's when I feel like I've grown up a bit, but even then I'm probably still a "late developer", if I'm being honest. I think this late development has really caused an awful lot of this **** I now face in my life.

In recent years, I have really tried to turn things around, but a combination of having a boss who doesnt like me (and believe me, the feeling is very much mutual), and an organisation that couldn't be less organised has mean't that I really feel my efforts have been in vain, and yes, I would say it was a fair assessment that I have given up pretty much. The only thing that keeps me going is my friends at work, and some of the people who I provide support for are nice folks, and I like to try and do a good job for them.

To be honest, if things had been better, I think I would like to stay there. Its a pretty decent environment to work in, on the whole, good people, I get flexible hours and whatnot, and its pretty laid back. On the other hand, I am not sure what, if anything, can be done to rescue the situation there, other than getting out, which is what most of you seem to be saying.

And I have to admit, if I changed jobs, I would want OUT OF I.T. This whole thing has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I have to say that I no longer like I.T. as a profession. What used to be my hobby has been ruined by my experience on the job. I now no longer have any passion or desire for I.T. left in me at all.

The question is, deciding what I want to do next. And if that can be decided, the problem then is re-training when I have a load of debt to service. The debt isn't so bad that I can't afford to pay it, but realistically, its going to take up to 5 years to pay off on my current wages.

As for the girlfriend thing: Its not so much the fact I dont have one that bothers me at the moment. Its the fact that I feel like I have not even experienced what having a proper relationship is actually like, not ever. I had a spell of 3 months with a girl when I was 17, but if I'm being honest, back then it was more about me getting laid. I had no respect for this girl and I didn't fancy her. It's fair to say that I pretty much used her and treat her like *****. She felt a lot more for me than I did for her at the time. I probably shouldn't have done it, but again, I really didn't know what I was doing.

Since then, its just been one knock back after another. Yes, sure, I have had one night stands on occasions (although not that often), but its really not my bag. I have tried internet dating, in fact, I even have a page on a site now, although it definitely needs work.

However, I have never really had a mutual relationship where both partners wanted the other. I have to deal with people (unintentionally) rubbing my nose in it all of the time, and I feel like banging my head off a brick wall. To be honest, I am not even particularly shy, and some have said I am not particularly bad looking. I have no problems going up to girls, talking to them, having a laugh, but it never seems to progress anything beyond that. Its almost as if I lack the killer instinct. Yet even when I really go for it, the excuses are often not far away.

Sometimes I can go out in to town, and have a great time, have a laugh, and approach girls and at least get a snog or something like that, if not a phone number.... but other times, and last Friday was a good example for me, I felt at rock bottom, and didn't want to talk to anyone. I would say that overall, despite the fact I can sometimes muster the courage, more so than a lot of my friends I'd say (but not all of them for sure), my confidence with women is absolutely rock bottom. I think I have actually persuaded myself that I am not worthy of their attention, and it has absolutely destroyed my confidence with them.

I think I know why I feel this way. When I was younger, I did look VERY young for my age, and when we started going out to the town, despite me trying to compete with some of my mates (who of course all looked considerably older despite being the same age), I was ALWAYS overlooked, and if there were equal sized groups kicking about, the girls left over simply turned the other way.

Having said that, I did manage to pull a few times, and in actual fact, my record back then is probably better than it is now. Either way, I suppose inside I've given up trying with girls now as well. I have convinced myself that although I am actually quite sociable and chatty, and not too bad looking, there must be something about me that repulses them, and I just dont know what, but its enough for me to now think to myself "whats the point?".

Regarding me needing an "outlet". Well, this forum has kind of become that outlet for me. To be honest, part of me is actually quite ashamed at writing what I'm sure some perceive to be a "self pity" thread, and writing pretty personal stuff on a public forum. What I have written here, very few people know. The fact is, I don't have an outlet of any kind. I would not dare talk about this kind of stuff with most people I know. I kind of did a bit on friday with one of my mates, but that was also a bit of the drink talking.

As I said before, the weed I dont really do any more, in fact I am pretty clean so there is no need for me to "give it up" because I already have. The drink is another subject... and interestingly I have had sustained spells recently of not drinking, and my mood did NOT improve. In fact, I'd actually say I was worse, because I felt like I had taken something away which I enjoy, but overall, overlooking all of that, my general mood was no better. I'm sure it does no good really, but I dont think it causes my issues in any way IMO.

The holiday suggestion is a good idea, and I do intent to get away next year. I've not quite decided on a plan yet, but it will involve me being away for a reasonable amount of time. The only reason I can do this is because the rents are going to give me some money for my 30th so I will make the most of it - it will be the first PROPER holiday I will have had for 14 years. Now that you mention it, its yet another thing I feel like I havent done, is gone on proper holidays, in the best years of my life. Quite a depressing thought that one.

Someone asked if they thought I might drive my mates away - definitely not. They moved on because they had ambition and drive that I can only dream of.

Dont get me wrong people, I am not after a quick fix, but I do think I need to look for a plan. I just dont feel I can continue down this path for much longer. Its still not quite clear in my head what I am going to do about all of this. However, I can say that all of your comments are very much appreciated :)
 

jamiesdad

Active Member
Hi mate

Just to add my own thoughts on your situation

Firstly i agree with others that you need a plan,whether thats a new job well that is for you to decide:smashin:

But what i will say is have a break from the alcohol for a while as it is a depressant:thumbsdow

Even if you are not suffering from depression its self, alcohol will bring you down:)

Good luck
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
New job, holiday, (protected) sex with a a stranger, new hobby involving serious mental and physical workout. You know, like walking into the local boxing club and announcing in a big loud voice that the big bloke with most medals is a sissy who hits like a girl...
 

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