I'm too old to be stalked again

Mr.D

Well-known Member
Being stalked by a woman.

This isn't funny. I tried to be nice and friendly to a woman at work and now she is effectively stalking me . I did nothing other than be civil and polite and understanding...include her with other colleages in having out of work lunches and drinks and generally get her to be a little less self concious and self obsessive and now she is making my life misery because she seems to think the only reason I don't want things to go further is because I'm married with children.

I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me 10 years ago when I was at college again trying simply to be nice to someone who was generally perceived as a bit of an oddball by their peer group. The person in that particular instance didn't stop stalking me for about 2 years until I was in a very stable relationship with the woman who has been my wife for the last 8 years.

I've tried to bolster her self confidence rather than tell her to go away and ignore her ( I'm not an arsehole) but she knows in no uncertain term that I'm happily married with kids and am not interested in a relationship with her beyond the normally very good , trusting , and even compassionate relationship I have with pretty much all my long term colleagues.

Yet still she persists and correspondingly tries to flirt with me and then make me feel guilty that I'm a married man with children and shouldn't even engage her in conversation. She is now trying to burden me with how damaged she has been from past relationships and how this will ultimately prevent her from forming any lasting relationship with me. Thing is though I've told her I'm not interested and she just says she understands I have to be selfless because of my wife and kids.

I can't win here. I feel like I've got tangled up with a nutter just because I was a bit nicer than the other vacuous twerps who have a pop at anyone who seems less confident than they are.

Example...tonight I'm having a few beers with some colleagues and she is around and she darts between telling me a sob story about how nasty her life has been ( without actually tellng me she has anything more difficult than anyone else to deal with... and as if that's justification for harassing me anyway) and then accusing me of leading her on an then ignorng me for 30 mins stealing my fags then playing with my hair behind my back as I talk to other people. Then insisting on giving me a rather passionate kiss and following me outside the pub to wave goodbye as I leave.

edit: oh yeah she also came up to me during the evening and ripped the buttons off my t-shirt without warning and for no aparrent reason.

I'm not Brad Pitt and I'm not some weirdo who gets a kick out of this either.Why does this happen to me?

help .... my life is complex enough without this sort of nonsense.
 

The Dude

Distinguished Member
Nice guys attract nutters mate...... it's some kind of biological programming. :lesson:

Think of something hurtful and horrible, ready to use as a metaphorical crucifix the next time she attacks.

:D
 

Razor

Distinguished Member
Boiled Bunny anyone.


A good friend of mine had the same thing recently but saw the girl for a few months (he was single at the time). He has finished with her now for over 6 months but she still hassels him and spies on his house. He is a really nice bloke too. She's a total fruit and nut.


He has made up a girl friend so that she will leave him alone but instead she keeps ringing him and says 'that she has had dreams about this girl and she is evil and will ruin his life'. :eek:

She also keeps calling around his house without warning and tries to make excuses to come in. We have nick named her The Bunny Boiler.



Good luck in getting rid of her Mr.D looks like you may have to be blunt about it.

 

pragmatic

Well-known Member
Three things you can try, ignore her, insult her or set her up with someone else.

By ignoreing her i mean in the most brutal way don't go out if she is there and invite other friends to do stuff but not her (and maybe tell them not to mention it to her if they don't get the idea). Obviously ignoreing her at work is gonna be difficult, but of you just don't acknowledge her, and when she asks whats wrong (as she will) just say nothing and leave the room.

If this level of harshness doesn't work then you got to tell her that you feel she is in your space always were you are and making you feel uncomftable, don't try and reason with her though, just tell her and be in command. Any attempt at reasoning will probably backfire with her saying how every man has treat her like this in the past ect... just ignore her leave the room again.

Try and set her up with someone if you can, not nice but if she clicks with someone it might not be all bad ... right?

You shouldn't be feeling bad about any of this (well maybe just a little), you have been a good person trying to be a friend, she is trying to take it a step further when you have told her your not interested and in a strong stable relationship, she is being a bad person, she is trying to change your life so she feels better, not good!

Just don't let her make you feel bad (if shes as nutty as she sounds and your happy in your relationship you have no reason what so ever to), and don't try and reason. You can't reason with a person who doesn't perceive things properly (goes for religious zelots too).
 
S

shadowritten

Guest
gazbarber said:
... in a string stable relationship ...
Had a relationship with some string once. Asked if it had any future, and was told, ''Fraid not - I don't wanna get tied down ..' :rotfl:

Seriously, this is a tricky one. I've experienced similar, though much milder, problems in the past (I used to be a magnet for people who were one brick short of a wall), and it's never easy to resolve. Luckily, such folk generally left me alone after a while - and after I'd gone out of my way to prove I was a bigger fruit loop than they were! :D

Introducing this person to your wife (I take it she's aware of this harrassment, right?), might provide some badly needed perspective. Other than that, you just have to keep frustrating her efforts to enact any kind of intimacy with you ... hair touching and fag sharing included. Worst case, you may have to involve your bosses (this kind of thing could easily go too far and break employment rules), or even the police if it develops into full-blown stalking.

I know this seems a little extreme, but I've witnessed cases within my own family where someone has latched on to someone else and it's led to all kinds of unpleasantness. Sooner you can nip this in the bud, the better. Oh, and being horrid to her probably won't work: she may just think your under pressure cos your married with kids and try to be even more sympathetic - how often such tactics backfire! :rolleyes:
 

Razor

Distinguished Member
shadowritten said:
Had a relationship with some string once. Asked if it had any future, and was told, ''Fraid not - I don't wanna get tied down ..' :rotfl:

LOL.... :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Class reply :smashin:
 

pjclark1

Well-known Member
Mr.D said:
I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me 10 years ago when I was at college again trying simply to be nice to someone who was generally perceived as a bit of an oddball by their peer group.
There is a very good reason to avoid odd people.
Learn from your mistakes and leave em alone.
 

Peridot

Well-known Member
As much as I hate to say it pj is right.

Speaking from bitter experience (and the even more bitter experience of a mate), if someone appears to be 'on the fringes', there is probably a good reason why.

In the past I would have been the first to wade in and play the social worker / therapist, but not anymore. I am still far more 'inclusive' than most people and try to treat everyone equally, but I focus more on preserving my own sanity that assuming responsibility for anyone elses.
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
This has happened before and you didn't learn then? Kieth, the only way forward in this world is to be a complete and utter bastard! Trust me, it works!

Or you could tell her to stop, leave you alone, don't touch etc etc whenever she does. Talk to her as if she is a small and irritating child. Or possibly a dog?
 

Mr.D

Well-known Member
Look this is someone whom I've worked with for years.They've never given any indication of being interested in me in the past. If anything we had some friction.

It will be easy enough for me to ignore her but call me a sucker I didn't necessarily want her going off and getting depressed : the main reason I was sympathetic to her in the first place.
 

mjn

Distinguished Member
Just shag her, she'll realise you're crap in bed, then she'll lose interest...... :devil:
 

dc007

Active Member
Develop some unsavoury or downright offensive habits that you only display in front of her. Pick your nose, scratch your nuts a lot, fart loudly, whatever. If that doesn't work, somehow work into a conversation a few unusual sexual pecadilloes.... a penchant for backdoor lovin', animal husbandry, etc. Be creative.

I'm actually being serious, here....
 
S

shadowritten

Guest
dc007 said:
Develop some unsavoury or downright offensive habits that you only display in front of her. Pick your nose, scratch your nuts a lot, fart loudly, whatever. If that doesn't work, somehow work into a conversation a few unusual sexual pecadilloes.... a penchant for backdoor lovin', animal husbandry, etc. Be creative.

I'm actually being serious, here....
Quality! :rotfl:
 

la gran siete

Well-known Member
You seem a regular nice guy, too nice for your own good. She sounds like damaged goods to me and as such will latch on to anyone who shines a warm light in her direction. I made the mistrake of feeling sorry for a bloke once who was emotionally damaged . He latched on to me like a leach calling round at every possible moment.Trouble with him was that he was entirely in his own head incapable of empathy or consideration for others.It got to the point where I had to tell him to F off in no uncertain terms which was something I didnt enjoy( not being hard).I should've nipped it in the bud early on and he would've probably respected me more for so doing. (funnily enough my wife didnt mind him :confused: ). Its not a question of being an A~#%hole but of protecting ones boundaries and it you dont do that you'll resent the hell out of her .Point in the direction of a counselor if she has problems and set your boundaries.
 

Nobber22

Well-known Member
There is some pretty good advise on this thread, but the following is BAD!!!

shadowritten said:
Introducing this person to your wife (I take it she's aware of this harrassment, right?), might provide some badly needed perspective.
DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT A FREAK (OR ANYONE) AT WORK FANCIES YOU!!!! :lesson: It doesn't matter how many times you tell the missus that you don't fancy the bird at work, there will always be some doubt in her mind. Deal with it yourself.

I'd go with the "treat her harshly". And it doesn't matter if you are worried about hurting her feelings: She's making you feel uncomfortable and that is out of order!
 

Kryters74

Novice Member
I would also consider getting your company HR involved as well, because if this does go a bit wrong she might start making accusataions about you at work which could lead to problems......If the HR debt know about the problems etc they might decide to step in and give her a warning as she is harrasing you, hopefully that might persuade her that you are not interested...
 

lmccauley

Well-known Member
Nobber22 said:
DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT A FREAK (OR ANYONE) AT WORK FANCIES YOU!!!! :lesson: It doesn't matter how many times you tell the missus that you don't fancy the bird at work, there will always be some doubt in her mind. Deal with it yourself.

I'd go with the "treat her harshly". And it doesn't matter if you are worried about hurting her feelings: She's making you feel uncomfortable and that is out of order!
Nobber is spot on with this. No matter how well you and your wife know and trust each other, something like this will plant a little seed of doubt in her mind. If something else similar, but totally innocent happens in future (or has happened in the past), another seed will be planted. Before you know if, your wife is getting paranoid, losing sleep, accusing you of all sorts of nonsense and you have to work hard rescuing your relationship.

Whilst you're trying to decide how to treat this woman, bear in mind that what she is doing to you is a direct risk to your marriage. Would you rather the guilt of upsetting her, or upsetting your wife?

I have seen innocent incidents like this end up causing huge upset and relationship problems - nip it in the bud now, and remember where your main priorities lie.

Cheers,
Liam
 

SanPedro

Well-known Member
Nicholas Gibbs said:
I would also consider getting your company HR involved as well, because if this does go a bit wrong she might start making accusataions about you at work which could lead to problems......If the HR debt know about the problems etc they might decide to step in and give her a warning as she is harrasing you, hopefully that might persuade her that you are not interested...
Definitely go along with this. As well as the advice of not telling your wife.

This is sexual harassment pure and simple. If she is that nutty she could easily make some trumped up charges against you out of sheer vindictiveness - even after you've told her firmly that you are not interested. And most companies are more likely to believe that a woman has been sexually harassed than a man.

See the HR officer and get it all down on record. If necessary keep a diary of any incidents.

If the circumstances had been reversed you would be looking at a P45 at the moment.

Don't mess about Gary... this is serious and needs sorting before your life is screwed up big time by this woman.

all the best mate.

Chris
 

DJT75

Distinguished Member
Gotta agree with Nobber & Liam - do not tell the wife. You would then have 2 unreasonable chicks on your hands....

Chris Lamle is 100% correct - reverse the roles here & look at all the trouble you'd be in...You gotta start documenting it, informing HR about it way before she does or knows you have!!

Alternatively, you have 2 options.
1). Start flirting with a different office chick, she'll get the hump & move onto some other sucker..
2). Shag another bloke in the office - that outta do it!
 

Mr.D

Well-known Member
Thanks for the advice guys. I think the softly ignoring approach is the best one.It should be quite easy to avoid her.
 

la gran siete

Well-known Member
Mr.D said:
Thanks for the advice guys. I think the softly ignoring approach is the best one.It should be quite easy to avoid her.
Just as long as you set your boundaries and she is clear where she stands.You dont have to be harsh just firm.
 

Peridot

Well-known Member
dc007 said:
Develop some unsavoury or downright offensive habits that you only display in front of her. Pick your nose, scratch your nuts a lot, fart loudly, whatever. If that doesn't work, somehow work into a conversation a few unusual sexual pecadilloes.... a penchant for backdoor lovin', animal husbandry, etc.
You mean such things aren't considered normal behaviour :confused:

Now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years :rolleyes: :D
 

Nebby

Active Member
Wait until you are both together in a crowded room, preferably at this year's office Christmas party, take a deep breath and shout in an exasperated tone:

"**** off you demented bint. No I don't want to have an affair with you, I'm a happily married man. Just leave me alone you boss-eyed psycho bitch!"

That ought to do it.

[EDIT By Garrett]
 

spidermanalf

Active Member
You really need to spaek to HR, or your manager, just to make them aware!

As lets face it the law is not always on the blokes side! Especially if you have been seen out with her, and she's following you outside, robbing fags etc etc, as other people in the office will be noticing this, and this is not normal behaviour for just 2 work colleagues. like you say, you have a wife and 2 kids, and if you are on here an AV habit to fund, and you cannot afford to lose your job because of her so make sure you have yourself covered!
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
mjn said:
Just shag her, she'll realise you're crap in bed, then she'll lose interest...... :devil:
I tried that once but it didn't work... Damn I'm just too good.. :cool:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 

Trending threads

Latest news

T+A expands E-Series with PA 1100E integrated amplifier
  • By Andy Bassett
  • Published
Bowers & Wilkins unveils new PX wireless ANC headphones
  • By Andy Bassett
  • Published
Roku Premiere streaming device with 4K HDR hits UK
  • By Andy Bassett
  • Published
CTA launches 8K UHD TV display certification programme
  • By Andy Bassett
  • Published
Huawei launches Google-less Mate 30 and Mate 30 Pro phones
  • By Andy Bassett
  • Published

Latest threads

Top Bottom