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If you're scared of flying...

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by SanPedro, Oct 3, 2005.

  1. SanPedro

    SanPedro
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    Or not... These might raise a smile

    Supposedly real - life comments from airline stewards, pilots etc.

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
    "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
    real examples that have been heard or reported:

    On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
    want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


    On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
    be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
    the appearance of your flight attendants."


    On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
    belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
    something we'd like to have."

    There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
    this airplane"

    "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
    the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
    attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
    the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
    everything
    has shifted."


    >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
    unsupervised."


    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
    the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
    you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
    favorite."


    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
    left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
    do not leave children or spouses."


    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
    City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
    bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
    airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
    you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
    ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
    the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
    and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
    his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
    thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
    gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
    "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
    pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
    down?"

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
    folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
    to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
    think of US Airways."


    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
    cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
    Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
    mine!"
     
  2. Nick_UK

    Nick_UK
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    Anyone who likes airline jokes and stories should get a copy of "Flying on the Airlines" by veteran American comedian Bob Carlin

    Hilarious ! :rotfl:
     

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