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If you read this I might just mess with your head forever?...


Distinguished Member
So a rubbish joke...

A bloke goes into a butchers shop and the butcher says 'see that meat above your head, if you can touch it you can have it for free' the customer does nothing, the butcher says 'are you not going to try then?'. The customer says....................... 'no, the steaks are too high'.


The phrase 'the stakes are too high' occurs *all the time*. Now you've read this you'll always think of the butchers shop.



blue max

Distinguished Member
A woman goes into a butchers and asks if he's got a sheep's head. The butcher replies, No, it's just the way I part my hair.

Grumble groan.


Distinguished Member
Ask the woman in W H Smith if she keeps stationary.


Distinguished Member
I got a slap when I went into the haberdashery shop and asked to get felt.


Distinguished Member
In B&Q some old guy asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got in the first punch and he went down like a sack of spuds


Distinguished Member
Bloke goes into the butchers and asks "have you got a pigs head?".

Butcher replies "no, it's just the way I comb my hair"
A butcher backed into the bacon slicer and got a little behind in his orders.
This one ought to be read in episodes..

An anthropologist is travelling the world filming tribal dances when he hears of a mystic Australian Aboriginal ceremony called the Butcher Dance. The dance has never been seen by outsiders so the anthropologist travels to the Australian outback to try and film it. It turns out the Butcher Dance is only performed in one remote settlement, so the anthropologist puts together an expedition.

The group drives out into the bush. Bad luck strikes them and their petrol tank gets punctured forcing them to take to their feet. They walk for days and days and the expedition members gradually drop through exhaustion, sun-stroke and thirst. Finally only the anthropologist is left struggling along with his camera. Finally he too has enough and collapses in the dust.

That evening he wakes to find he's been rescued. He's in a tribal encampment and is delighted when he discovers that his saviours are the very tribe that perform the fabled Butcher Dance. It turns out the Butcher Dance is usually performed only once every ten years but since the anthropologist has suffered so much the tribal elders agree to put on a performance especially for him.

The anthropologist sets up his camera and the tribal dancers get into a circle. The tribal chief claps his hands, the anthropologist starts recording, and the Aborigines start their mystic dance, ‘You butcher left arm in. Your butcher left arm out. In. Out…'


Distinguished Member
If you want to mess with someone's head whisper this in their ear:
"They want you to be paranoid." :devil:


Don't forget the butcher who sacked his apprentice for getting caught with his 'old man' in the bacon slicer.....she got sacked too.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Deleted member 498601

I went into a shoe shop, and tried on a pair in my size, which was 11. The shoes seemed a bit on the tight side, so I asked the assistant "Do you have these in a size 11 and a half please? These are a bit tight", to which the assistant replied "Try them with the tongue out sir". So, I stuck out my tongue, but they still wouldn't fit...


Prominent Member
Man in Butchers: "Can I have a mince round?"
Butcher: "Sure, take as long as you want"

Got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants. The wages are terrible, but the tips are enormous.

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