I was browsing a forum I used to frequent in the PS2 GTA days, and found a couple of "newspaper" style posts I did in the San Andreas era. This may not be everyone's sense of humour (you might need to know the old GTA's to get the in-jokes), but thought I'd post them here to help your Friday afternoon pass a little quicker! Beats working, some might say...
The Daily Knob
VIOLENT LUNATIC EVADES ARMY, FBI, SWAT TEAMS
Psychotic Criminal Enters Mysterious "Safe House"
Authorities left Powerless
Los Santos was gripped last night in the wake of yet another brutally violent incident involving crazed playa Carl Johnson.
Johnson emerged from an Ammu-Nation laden with over 100 grenades, dual-sawn-off shotguns (with over 350 shells), an AK-47 with infinite ammunition, a sniper rifle, and a silenced pistol. He was also reputedly carrying a katana, a long samurai-type sword previously sported by vicious criminal Thomas Vercetti in the mid-1980s during his reign of terror in Vice City.
Wielding the long blade, Johnson menaced several newly-spawned pedestrians as they made their pre-programmed way through the streets of Los Santos. His initial sparrings with the pedestrians resulted in three decapitations, a feat one witness described as
"Some kind of a record in these parts".
After a slew of katana attacks, Johnson slid the dangerous blade into a scabbard in his pants. He then removed a silenced pistol, and, proceeding calmly down the street, shot every pedestrian and police officer who appeared in his path.
Police became more aggressive after this incident, forcing Johnson to take shelter on the rooftop of an abandoned semen-processing plant, where he began picking off police officers and SWAT team members with his sniper rifle.
"Were having trouble figuring out how Johnson managed to carry 100 grenades, over 300 shells, and infinite ammunition for an AK-47 on his person, let alone how he concealed his vast array of armaments" commented a spokesman for the LSPD shortly after the incident.
As Johnson began tossing grenades to the street below, the FBI appeared on the scene. When questioned as to their approach for apprehending Johnson, FBI agents said
"Wed rather stay down here getting blown to bits by his grenades than risk going up there after him"
Despite their questionable methods for capturing Johnson, the FBI did manage to hit him with several rounds from their M4 machine guns, although this did little to slow the seemingly superhuman Carl Johnson.
One confused pedestrian, commenting on the incident, said; "My mother is my sister".
In what many saw as the most unbelievable moment of the entire skirmish, witnesses report seeing Johnson run onto the street as the army arrived with the sole intention of blowing him into tiny pieces.
"We want to blow him up into tiny pieces smaller than Lego" commented one army official.
With the sheer gall and brazenness that only the truly insane possess, Johnson managed to overpower and murder a tank commander. He then commandeered the tank and slowly plundered the streets of Los Santos, firing rockets at everything in his path.
Miraculously, not a single building in Los Santos was damaged. However, the death toll is expected to rise over 100 before the sun sets this evening.
Despite being chased by the entire US army, Johnson managed to make it to his family home in Ganton unharmed. Although he was blasted by machine gun fire as he entered his home, he survived the attack, and went to sleep for exactly 6 hours. By this time, the police, SWAT teams, FBI, and Army had all given up on any chance they may have had to capture Johnson.
"Hes had a good rest, and some time to think about what hes done wrong hopefully he wont cause any more trouble around here" a local police officer said during a televised interview.
Johnson remains at large. We at The Daily Knob appear to be the only ones concerned about this psychopaths behaviour. (For an in-depth analysis on where Johnson may strike next, turn to page 4)
THE DAILY KNOB
CRAZED GANGBANGER WASTED IN MASSIVE RAMPAGE
A young playa named Carl Johnson last night embarked on a hilarious and often brutally violent rampage that took him the length and breadth of Los Santos. Witnesses report seeing Johnson leave his home in Ganton at just after 11pm in possession of a Desert Eagle handgun. He proceeded to murder numerous random pedestrians, before stuffing his Desert Eagle back into his pants, and taking out a three-foot-long rocket launcher.
"It was incredible" a shell-shocked witness said "He stuffed a handgun into his pants, then very quickly pulled out a sawn-off shotgun, an M4 machine gun, and a sniper rifle, all of which he deposited back in his pants before removing the rocket launcher. The most unbelievable bit was how well his clothes fit with all those weapons in his pants."
After removing the rocket launcher, Johnson began firing, seemingly at random, at a variety of vehicles which seemed to spawn sporadically from the middle distance. The few witnesses to survive Johnson's horrific onslaught claim to have seen a number of golden stars in the top right hand corner of their vision - some reported seeing as many as six stars before Johnson was taken out by the army.
Though numbers are not yet confirmed, it seems likely that Johnson has shot down as many as 11 police helicopters, and blown up at least 35 vehicles, of which more than 20 were police cars.
"It was complete lunacy" a distraught onlooker commented. "Johnson seemed to just be waiting for more vehicles to spawn so he could blow them up."
Another upset survivor of the rampage said: "The cops seemed particularly stupid in how they handled the attack. Despite the fact that the lunatic (Johnson) was blowing up vehicles all around him, they never took cover, instead they continued to drive and run after him, getting themselves killed over and over again, in many hilarious and laughable ways."
The situation escalated shortly after 2am, with the arrival of the FBI. Though SWAT teams had been on the scene for over an hour, their only achievement was to be blown to kingdom come over and over again by the deadly accuracy of Johnson's heat-seeking rocket launcher.
Once the FBI attempted to take control of the situation, Johnson was forced to take cover.
A local random ped told the Daily Knob: "It was so weird, I saw these five stars in the top right of my peripheral vision, and I knew it meant that the FBI were coming. I don't know how I knew, maybe I'm just programmed like that. Anyway, I figured, what the hell, and I just ran down the street screaming. It seemed like the right thing to do."
After finding refuge in a multi-storey car park, Johnson began shooting down helicopters. Although the police and FBI knew where he was, they chose not to climb to the top of the car park to apprehend Johnson, instead choosing to shoot him blindly from three storeys below. Shortly after this, for no apparent reason (though some witnesses claim their arrival coincided with visions of six stars in the top right corner of their vision - this claim has yet to be proven) the FBI and police evacuated the city completely, and the army was brought in to take down Johnson.
In what would prove to be a foolish and badly-thought-out scheme, Johnson hopped on a PCJ-600 motorbike, and ramped off the roof of the car-park. Despite a fall of several hundred feet, a 730-degree spin, and two flips (many witnesses described Johnson's actions as an "insane stunt") Johnson landed the bike safely and sped off towards San Fierro.
A cruel twist of fate dashed Johnson's hope of escape however, when he hit a tank on his way through Rodeo. He was immediately pounced upon by soldiers, who shot him repeatedly with M4 machine guns.
Despite being shot many more times than most humans could expect to survive, Johnson managed to make it to his motorbike alive. However, as he sped off on the bike, a barrage of gunfire hit him and the bike, which burst into flames and exploded.
Little is known about what happened after this incident - many witnesses report a wavering, mirage-type effect with the word "Wasted" appearing above Johnson's head as their entire world faded to black. Johnson himself was discovered in a hospital less than two miles away, fully recovered and bearing no signs of injury from his battle with law enforcement. In spite of the brutality of his rampage, law enforcement officials were reluctant to bother charging Johnson with any crimes.
"He got wasted - that's enough for us" the chief of police for Los Santos said today in a news conference. Although many fears were raised as to the likelihood of Johnson going on more vicious rampages, these worries were dismissed by police, who said "We generally spawn all over the city at random times, often in far greater numbers than you'd ever see in real life. We don't expect Johnson to attempt anything like this again."