Family problems, advice needed

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by zAndy1, Sep 19, 2007.

  1. zAndy1

    zAndy1
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    Just had my sister round, to cut a long story short her ex husband has taken custody of their kids and isn't letting my sister anywhere near them. The reason for this is that the kids are saying that my sisters new partner has been threatening them (one of the kids has been having nightmares and apparently this is why). My sister has told the new bloke to sling his hook as she says the kids come first and they won't come back to her while he's around.
    There's a lot of history between my sister and her ex, basically he's harrassing her (loads of phone calls everyday etc). He's basically saying to her that she always knew this day would come and he always knew he'd get the kids eventually, real emotional blackmail stuff and my sister is in bits :(
    Her ex hasn't paid any maintenance for I believe the last 7 years i.e. since they split up, he has a history of violence towards her and my sister has reported him to the police on numerous occassions. He's been systematically brainwashing the kids against my sister for the last few years, honestly he's a real nasty piece of work. He has apparently told the CSA that he can only afford to pay £20 per month despite having his own business, 2 cars, a £250000 house (and that's a lot round here) and is taking the kids on holiday the week after half term.

    Basically what I'm trying to find out is what are her rights here. I'm pretty certain he can't stop her seeing he kids but he won't let her see them, take them to school or pick them up (as she's been doing for years). She's rang a solicitor today but they can't see her for a week, does she have any right to insist on being seen sooner as she's really in a bad way. What chance does my sister have of keeping the kids if she's on her own and currently out of work whereas her ex has his own business, nice house etc. I'm fairly sure the kids will side with their dad due to as I said him brainwashing the kids against her and him plying them with gifts to get on their good side. My sister doesn't have much money and can't afford to buy them stuff like their dad does but she loves them to bits and they're all she's got.

    Any advice much appreciated folks

    Cheers
    Andy
     
  2. la gran siete

    la gran siete
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    All i can advise is that you go and see the Citizens advice bureau.They normally have one or two solicitors who can advise, but you'll have to make an appointment .
     
  3. johntheexpat

    johntheexpat
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    I'm no expert, but some of what you have said should start to provide the evidence against her ex.

    Her ex hasn't paid any maintenance for I believe the last 7 years i.e. since they split up, .........my sister has reported him to the police on numerous occassions. .................. He has apparently told the CSA that he can only afford to pay £20 per month despite having his own business, 2 cars, a £250000 house (and that's a lot round here) and is taking the kids on holiday....

    If the CSA believe he can only afford £20 pw, they will surely believe he can't afford them full time. He's violent and manipulative.


    .... the week after half term.

    That is a definite no no


    Can Social services help? If he threatens violence to the ex, surely the kids are in danger if they inadvertently complain once too often?

    Unfortunately it sounds as though his money (but not more than £20 pw) has bought him a better lawyer than your sis.
     
  4. Alan_W

    Alan_W
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    Sounds like the kids have had, and are continuing to have a rough time.

    Hope it all turns out OK for them when the adults grow up :(
     
  5. mrtbag

    mrtbag
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    I agree. My advice is to tell your sister and her ex to sort themselves out, stop thinking about what they want and more about the kids.
     
  6. zAndy1

    zAndy1
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    She's got in to see a different solicitor this afternoon, will see what comes out of that. Thanks for the replies folks
     
  7. dognosh

    dognosh
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    you guys who are parents have big kahoonas , I am too selfish to have any, well done to you all and hope this scumbag gets his just deserts
     
  8. Geege

    Geege
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    I would suggest, if she hasn't already, that she gets in touch with a solictor that specialises in family law. They would be able to give her advice for the long term protection of herself and her children - such as seeking a civil injunction, also advice on how to go about seeking legal custody of the children, if that is what she wants. An anti-molestation order can be useful and would also give the police an additional power under s.47 Family Law Act if this court order is breached.

    http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts1996/ukpga_19960027_en_6#pt4-pb4-l1g47
     
  9. Gadget Daddy

    Gadget Daddy
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    why is he a scumbag I would do exactly the same if my wife was my ex and her new boyfriend upset MY children and caused them to have nightmares, I would probably go a bit further also

    Pete
     
  10. dazzafact

    dazzafact
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    Violence towards his ex, emotional blackmail, and refusing his ex visits to her children all amount to him being a complete [email protected]@k in my eyes. And there is no family judge in this land that would think otherwise.
     
  11. mjn

    mjn
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    As ever, we're only getting one side of the story. There are always 3 sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.
     
  12. mjn

    mjn
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    Yep, and women don't do this, ever........

    Just like thousands of Dad's in a similiar position :rolleyes: to the OP's sister.
     
  13. dazzafact

    dazzafact
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    Your exactly right; I think anyone who uses emotional blackmail as a tool to beat their partners down into some kind of kind of crazy submissive relationship are complete [email protected]@ks.:mad:
     
  14. Member 55145

    Member 55145
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    its actually the kids choice, so let them decide, but if the dad is really like you say they will be back quick sharp. trust me, i went to go live with my dad at a young age after my mum found a new partner.... boy did i make a mistake, after a few month i came running back! lol

    dognosh... me too :thumbsup: 24 and still going strong!

    also this £20 a month issue should be brought to light, as he clearly doesnt have enough to look after them, my mum brought 3 kids up with no job and my dad did have a job.

    being jobless doesnt mean you lose your kids. child benefit was good enough for us
     
  15. overkill

    overkill
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    Said someone who obviously has a 'view' on this.....and hasn't worked for the CSA. There's nothing like doing that for a few years to lose all sympathy with the 'hard done by father' crap. :rolleyes:

    I quite agree dazzafact, anyone who brainwashes their kids against one parent or the other is a nasty piece of work. However, humans being what they are.......... Besides that, most women, having invested a lot more of their time and emotions in bringing up a child than us men, do tend to have a bitter view of things when it all goes pear shaped. Ditto fathers that have to do most of the parenting before it all goes wrong.

    The latter are however, a statistical minority.

    I would get onto CAB. The problem is though, if the father has never been reported for what the mother claims he's done, that won't stand up. It's just her word against his.
     
  16. Jenn

    Jenn
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    I don't think people should judge either side as nobody knows the parties involved and even the OP only knows what he's been told or has seen, there may be more involved behind closed doors.
    People who've had a bitter split are likely to see the other one as the devil and themselves as the victim and forget/not realise the things they do themselves and doesn't help the situation.

    I suggest getting professional advice from a third party who is more likely to keep to facts.

    As a side note both parents can feel the same pain at not having their children, mums don't have this higher ground, many dads love their children just as much.
     
  17. Gadget Daddy

    Gadget Daddy
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    he is not a scumbag for caring about his kids, like others have said its only 1 side of a complicated break up and its only a tainted view she is never going to tell people he is the best thing since sliced bread....whats gone on between the 2 "adults" is not important its the poor kids, like I said I would do exactly the same and more if I where in that situation as my children mean more to me than anything, dads are often kicked when they are down when relationships fall apart it does not mean they care any less, imagine how heartbreaking it would be to see your children who you love dearly being mistreaded by some stranger I wouldnt stand back and let my ex put my children through that
     
  18. Ruperts slippers

    Ruperts slippers
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    I know my best mate has just spent 2yrs and £20000 to receive just two days access to his children .Most likely she will receive help with lawyer costs and will get the children back if everything that has been said about her ex is true.

    My auntie was a battered wife and you can usually see the results are pretty visible ,on the otherhand my mates missus made up loads of stories about violence towards her to paint an awful picture of him to the courts .

    In all this nonsense though is the kids welfare ,my partner and ex get along brilliantly ,and thats how it should be .
     
  19. overkill

    overkill
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    While I would agree if that were true, I can't because it isn't. Before the CSA was hatched a staggering 70% of fathers left and made no attempt to get back in more than passing touch with their children. An equally staggering 75% made either no or minimal payments to their partners. So why is it then, that since the CSA was formed, that we now hear of so many 'broken fathers' who care so much and who's partners are so 'bitter and twisted' and keeping them apart from their kids? Call me mister cynical, but could it be that now there is an organisation that publicly seeks a reasonable amount for a childs upkeep, and that allows for a split in maintenance if there is a split in carer time, that fathers suddenly are paying a much greater interest?

    Sorry, I'll stick with the facts. The vast majority of Fathers traditionally moved on with their lives without more than a passing thought for their family and still would if the spectre of the CSA wasn't there.

    I doubt very much if the figure of 30% of fathers who make a genuine effort has changed that much.

    It's also easy to say it's the 'poor kids who suffer' but that would be the case whatever happens, and even that depends very much on the child.

    Jenn is right though, we don't know enough to condemn either way. Sadly though, from bitter experience, I would tend to err against the father. If working at the CSA teaches you anything, it's that far too many absent parents lie for fun. :cool:
     
  20. Gadget Daddy

    Gadget Daddy
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    I have several friends who have been dragged through the mill by the csa, paying more to the ex than their mortgage costs, whilst the money is clearly not being used for the child......drove a few almost suicidal as they only had very limited access to their children whom they dearly loved.....I cannot believe that almost 75% of men have no interest if their children upon a split.

    Most adults are capable of being very nasty and I would imagine this sort of scenario brings out the very worst of people
     
  21. overkill

    overkill
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    I have heard all this before. People, friends included only tell you what they want you to hear. I have had people asking me for advice in the same situation. However, I know the ins and outs of their relationships and as such I refuse. Why should I help someone who cheated on their wife, who made their friends look fools when they defended them, and who are only trying to get out of what the child is due?

    Whether you believe it or not is not really relevant. That figure is the result of court returns, social surveys, CAB, and various other organisations involved with divorce and the family. It includes govt figures for payments made (or not as the case was) under the old payment system. It has been estimated by the same organisations that that figure is possibly higher than that, not lower.

    As I said before, these 'loving parents' have 'suddenly' put in an appearance with the CSA's birth, not before. I doubt somehow that male social and family habits that have developed over the millennia have changed that much in fifteen odd years? It seems to be part and parcel of the male make-up.

    Please note that I agree there are indeed caring fathers out there, but sadly, I do have to wonder, if the CSA went away and we went back to the old £1 a week system, how many would suddenly lose their 'desperation' to see their children.

    Sorry, but experience of the CSA breeds deep cynicism when dealing with absent parents.
     
  22. Member 55145

    Member 55145
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    i think you have a very strange view there overkill.

    yes my dad only saw me and my brother and sister once a fortnight for a weekend, and he paid jack all CSA even tho he was working. but we all knew he had a rough time. my mum got to keep the house and everything in it and got child benefit to boot, he had to start from scratch, go from living in a nice big house to a 1 bedroom bedsit until a few years later he could afford a 2 bedroom flat.

    it certainly aint easy for the dads and ripping them off for every penny which wont even go to the kids really is unfair and doesnt help anyone but the mother who has basically ripped his heart out turned the entire families life upside down (as it is normally the mother who ends it and tells the dad to sling his hook and he then has no choice)

    so its not all dads fault and mother deserves all the benefits she gets
     
  23. blackrod

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    I can see what you are sayig Overkill but I really do believe that male social habits and attitudes have changed in the last 15 years. It's not just the male habits though, the whole famiy unit has changed with women becoming 'bread winners' and having careers just like men. Equal opportunities for both sexes is becoming closer by the day and as such the expectations of fathers is much different to even 10 years ago.

    Thats not to say there isn't a hell of a lot of absent fathers out there who don't give two ***** about providing for their kids after seperation/divorce but I would guess that there is more dads who do want to provide for their kids these days than 15 years ago.
     
  24. Gadget Daddy

    Gadget Daddy
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    I suppose its because your only talking about cases where its reported and the CSA et al are brought in thus a stat is ticked in the correct box and the want away fathers are reeled in kicking and screaming, however the cases where the parents act civil to each other and come to some arrangement never become a stat as they have worked it out themselves

    Therefore the good guys go on unnoticed

    Pete
     
  25. braiden

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    Excellent post there Jen, I agree completely. :thumbsup:
     
  26. overkill

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    No, I have a 'view' based on 'fact's (an ugly word I know) not on 'what people tell me'. Including relatives who I love. When you work for an organisation and deal with these cases on a day to day basis you get to know what is, and what is not happening. And I'm sorry, that is just pure supposition. How do you know they are being ripped off? Beyond what the press claim and 'the hard done by dads' say? How do you know the mothers always kick them out? The evidence (another ugly word I know) say's this is pure fiction.

    Blackrod, I'm afraid to say they haven't. The same dads who cared 15 years ago, still do know. They are the same statistic then as they are now. More women work now then in years past, but mens perception of their role hasn't changed. It's only those who have a vested financial interest, whether via the CSA or otherwise that 'keep in touch'.

    If that sounds 'hard', well working with them leads you to that conclusion.

    Remember who controls the press. Men. So who leads peoples views on this? Men. Which side will most men sympathise with, their mates or their wives? Their mates. Therefore unless you work in the situation I tend to distrust peoples views on it.;)
     

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