Domestic problems with my other halfs Ex!

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by dudeness, May 5, 2016.

  1. dudeness

    dudeness

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    A few of you will know my situation as I've posted a few times on this forum about some situations which have occurred due to my other halfs ex wife, she has Bi Polar (and no, that's no excuse) I live with him and my two doggies. He has two kids with her, boy is 10 and girl is 12.

    Last weekend the kids were over with us, I find the boy hard to get on with anyway as he's very sensitive and spoilt and likes to get me into trouble with his mum.

    His sister mentioned to me she's getting picked on at school cos he plays with Barbie dolls and when I mean play, he has a bag for life full of them. He also watches YouTube Barbie. I came down and casually asked him at what age did he think he'd be too old to play with dolls. He didn't answer me, I dropped it. We went off for afternoon and he was fine, chatting away and enjoyed himself.

    My other half got home from dropping them off, and going to gym with the news he had been tricked (manipulated) into going back after gym and she told him she wanted to talk to me and I should expect to see her at our house on Monday night. I was no way going to meet or see her! I said no and left it. She then text him and said sorry didn't get over tonight (Monday) I'll come to see her tomorrow. Well I wasn't in Tuesday as I went to the o2 to see ELO and didn't get back till Wednesday.

    Didn't hear anything since, although my other half was mad at me cos his son wouldn't see him. This week forgot about it, hoped she had too. Tonight after going to hospital due to tearing some tendons in my foot and having it xrayed - popped into a ward to see my friend who's very sick. Other half texts me saying she has turned up at home, with the son wanting to confront me! She sat on the patio for 45 mins waiting for me. It's getting a little bit freaky now, I feel I done something really bad.

    So it turns out his son is being bullied at school for playing with dolls. No one told him about this, so we had no idea.

    He's going to call his school tomorrow to see if it's not her over reacting and we're going to take it from there.

    I've no idea how to handle this now, it's freaking me out a lot!
     
  2. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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    Confront you about what?

    Seems to be a couple of things here, one your partner didn't know his son was being bullied and two potentially you've said the wrong thing?
     
  3. swiftpete

    swiftpete
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    What exactly is it that you are supposed to have done?
     
  4. dudeness

    dudeness

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    I've said about his dolls when I shouldn't of done. Is what I've done wrong. :(
     
  5. RBZ5416

    RBZ5416
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    I can only see two options considering the history you've posted previously:

    When he has the kids make your own plans & leave him to it. Visit friends/family, go girlie shopping, indulge a hobby, whatever. Just stay right out of it.

    The other option is to take (another?) long hard look at the relationship & decide if all the baggage is really worth it. I doubt this pattern is ever going to change.

    This is from someone who endured 13 years with someone with a problem family. It's never ending & just drags you down.
     
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  6. dudeness

    dudeness

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    Thing is, I already do keep clear when they're here for my own sanity! Cos of my foot I have been home last time they was here.

    If he could keep her at arms length from our relationship it might work better. I put him in no situations like this, but I seem to endure a lot from his baggage. :(
     
  7. Solomon Grundy

    Solomon Grundy
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    Bollocks to all the grown up stuff. The bullying should be the number one issue for all of you to get sorted first. If you do have to meet her I would deflect all the other stuff and try to work with her to help with the bullying.
     
  8. dudeness

    dudeness

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    That would be my main priority. But we only found this out last night. She doesn't communicate with him about anything his kids are going through. He's calling the school today to get an idea.
     
  9. IronGiant

    IronGiant
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    Bottom line is that he's not being bullied because you asked him about his dolls. So ignore the latter(although make a mental note not to mention it again :)) and concentrate on what if anything can be done about the bullying. :smashin:
     
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  10. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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    I thought you said his sister mentioned to you last week about the bullying?
     
  11. dudeness

    dudeness

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    That's the perfect solution, and I've used your words in a text to him to just now and I'm not going to discuss it any further with him. I have emphasised how important it is about his son being bullied. Xx
     
  12. dudeness

    dudeness

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    No, she was being picked on because him playing with dolls and wearing wigs.
     
  13. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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    Ah sorry misread that last night, apologies.

    Is he taking the dolls into school with him? How do people know about the dolls?
     
  14. Sandman

    Sandman
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    Ah, the sister was being picked on because her younger brother plays with dolls and wears wigs.

    You know, this is a tough situation, the boy obviously enjoys playing with the dolls etc and is comfortable with it but I am guessing that his class mates don't understand it (well they are only 10 after all). I think the advice you have been given above is spot on. Just try your best to stay out of it all together. The problems the boy is having is going to cause a lot of stress to his mum and it seems to me that you are just somebody for her to vent her frustrations at. You are in a lose lose situation.
     
  15. dudeness

    dudeness

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    It doesn't take much for her to start on me. It would be good if my other half stood up to me, but she manipulates him and has done long before I came along.

    The focus should be on her kids not getting done frustrations out on me. Bringing her son to confront me last night would have stressed him out as well.

    I will stay out of it, and not get involved. :) x
     
  16. darren68uk

    darren68uk
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    Sounds like the right choice

    But I guess anything you do will not be right Her eyes!

    I was in your partners situation, although I think I had a few more beans in me against my Ex, however not enough until it was to late and I lost my partner at the time through similar goings on among other things!

    But it did make me realize how controlling my EX wanted to be over me, and that soon got nipped in the bud, no more EX problems since :D

    Hope you get it all sorted, and if your partner realizes how lucky he is, then he might just man up in time !
     
  17. dudeness

    dudeness

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    I doubt he will. He has been getting involved with situations he should just nip in the bud but I expect him to stand up for me. I shouldn't be reading texts on his Phone that say 'he'll talk to me' when all I do is good for him. (I wasn't sneaky peeking at his phone he saw me looking)

    He's completely ignored me all day since I told him had and his ex should focus on their son not me. X
     
  18. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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  19. PSM1

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    Sounds like you need to have a sit down with him and sort out your relationship as a priority. It is going to be very hard to be a part of his life and not get involved with the kids. If he does not prioritize you at least some of the time then I can not see how it is going to work out. I think some frank and open discussion with him to let him know how you feel is needed. In the end you may have to make that very difficult choice to walk away and find someone else who does appreciate you and prepared to put you first at least some of the time.
    Hope your foot heals soon so you can get back out on the bike as at least that will give you some head clearing time. Nothing worse than the frustration of injury especially on top of all this other stuff.
     
  20. shodan

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    It sounds like hard work and grief. Relationships aren't meant to be liked that. They are meant to be the glue that holds your together THROUGH the hard work and grief, not cause it.
     
  21. dudeness

    dudeness

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    I've tried many times. It's a case of like it lump it really - I am feeling the stress of it more as you say, I can't go cycling at the moment and have been off it for two weeks already!

    Don't get the wrong impression from me venting off. This seems to be our biggest issue, I'm just crap at handling it, and he's crap at communication due to being Autistic.
     
  22. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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    Relationships with women?

    Like actual real life women?
     
  23. IronGiant

    IronGiant
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    Can we try and keep this thread a bit serious? If dudeness has an Autistic partner with a Bi-polar-Ex it's not going to be easy for her. And that's assuming only the parents are affected. These things are inheritable, so the children may also be affected. Which may contribute to them being picked on and bullied if they haven't been diagnosed.
     
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  24. Rorifett

    Rorifett
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    Sorry, wasn't meaning to derail
     
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  25. swiftpete

    swiftpete
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    Why shouldn't you have done? It's not normal for a boy to play with dolls. You mentioned it, he's getting bullied for it already, you're not the villain here. Sounds like he and his mum are being sensitive. If he wants to play with dolls it's up to him, but if he gets spotted doing it in public he'll get picked on. That's life. If you told him that then I can't see the issue, you're just telling the truth.
     
  26. John

    John
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    why can't he play with whatever he wants ?
     
  27. shodan

    shodan
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    Because we don't live in an ideal world.

    So to protect him from inviting problems unto himself, as a parent, I would consider stearing him away from that line of entertainment.
     
  28. dudeness

    dudeness

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    I think the daughter is ok, she seems the most normal out of everyone. The son I think has something. It seems more like Autism then bi polar, he can't communicate in anyway - and doesn't respond well to anything really. I'm surprised the school hasn't picked up on it.

    My other half also has OCD:(

    And this is why I struggle, sometimes they all come together and I just can't cope - especially as I seem to be on the end of most of it. I've learnt to keep the peace, I go out all day Saturday and cycle Sunday when he has kids - but when we are just us, he's like a different person and that's my time with him.

    I make sure I talk to him about how I'm feeling, but nothing ever changes and I don't think they will.
     
  29. nheather

    nheather
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    Agreed, there is a good chance that the son is on the autistic spectrum. It is inherited and more prevelent in males than females - something like 4:1 if I recall correctly.

    My son was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 4, he is just coming up to 22 now but in many ways behaves like a 14 year old.

    Aspergers didn't exit at the time of my father's and my childhoods - of course it did but wasn't well understood and rarely diagnosed - so we were just explained away as odd difficult children. But from my experience of dealing with my son I can say that my dad was definitely autistic, and if I am honest, so am I.

    Collections and fixations are classic autistic traits. For my son it was (and still is to some degree) crocodiles - he had loads of crocodile toys and books.

    So based on the father's history, the communication problem and the Barbie collection it sounds likely that the son is autistic.

    It is a crying shame that it is Barbies. Austic children have enough to go though and will always be picked on but sad to say that in this real world his particular fixation will make him a hi-viz target in the playground.

    No one has mentioned the gay world. My tuppeneth worth, is that the collection does not necessarily mean that. It is a fixation, the collection could have crocodiles, dinosaurs, car number plates - it's hard to know what plants that seed. But the world being what is is, the kids at school are going to make that assumption so it is important to get the bullying under control.

    Cheers,

    Nigel
     
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  30. dudeness

    dudeness

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    I can't even begin to tell you how stressed I am. The son wrote my other half a letter saying I was mean to him on five occasions and he doesn't like me and He should 'talk' to me as I say nasty things to him. He chose just before I was about to leave to go out with my friends to tell me. Now Son and his mum are coming over Saturday to 'talk' about the situation. :(

    My other half says he doesn't believe I am mean to his son, but wants me to talk to the son about it.

    :(
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2016

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