Depression over Mess

serpico77

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I am married with 2 children love them to bits but I am known as Mr grumpy because I hate mess and shout at them to tidy up.

I wish I could just put it to the back of my mind but as soon as I walk in and see the mess I just start panicking and turn Green :D

How can I get through this or help ease it?
 
Just say, "if its left on the floor when you go to bed, its going in the bin"

Works wonders with my daughter. :smashin:
 
Just say, "if its left on the floor when you go to bed, its going in the bin"

Works wonders with my daughter. :smashin:

That's a good one, tried it a few times and it sometimes works.

I just need to control myself over it and not let me get so down over it.
 
Reward them for positive behaviour. Why not a gold star chart type thing.

Do you have OCD?
 
sounds like OCD to me. its a pretty illogical way to be. have you spoken to the drs? if you are yelling at kids because they are playing and making a mess then its not healthy for you or the kids. i would hate to think my son thought of me as mr grumpy

i can manage to look past mess. my desk is cluttered to hell at work which annoys my ex-military boss who likes everything neat and tidy.

if all else fails smoke some pot and you wont care. seems to work wonders for OCD.
 
Seriously, you might want to discuss it with your GP, with a view to referring you to a cognitive behavioural therapist. You might find they can sort you out in a couple of sessions, and give you some techniques to help. What harm could it do?
 
Reward them for positive behaviour. Why not a gold star chart type thing.

Do you have OCD?

sounds like OCD to me. its a pretty illogical way to be. have you spoken to the drs? if you are yelling at kids because they are playing and making a mess then its not healthy for you or the kids. i would hate to think my son thought of me as mr grumpy

i can manage to look past mess. my desk is cluttered to hell at work which annoys my ex-military boss who likes everything neat and tidy.

if all else fails smoke some pot and you wont care. seems to work wonders for OCD.

All good advice.
I do have some type of OCD.
I am not as bad now but mess really gets me, I have been like it since I was a kid. I grew up in a messy home and I was bullied for it.

I am going to try and look at things in a different way and try my hardest to get through this.

When my wife and I argue it's 90% of the time about mess, I need to get to the bottom of it and maybe get professional help
 
I'm a bit like this but when my son came along you have to make allowances, it's not going to be forever it will get better just learn to desensitise.
 
My wife is also very messy so it's hard telling the kids to tidy up when our room is messy.
 
If it bothers you that much, tidy it up yourself. Lead by example.

Kids just get worse the bigger they get.

You won't find the stick works. Probably not the carrot either!
 
maybe you need to come up with some compromise. they try and keep it reasonable until you get home and then you can be OCD arranging after the kids go to bed. at the end of the day if you like it ultra tidy i think it should be you doing the finer details (if you get me). kids are inherently messy. how old are they (toddlers or teenagers etc)? could you designate a play room for them? when i was a kid the 3rd bedroom was my play room so i could leave it messy and not make a mess in the lounge etc.

of course this has issues as you are effectively pushing them into another room so its less family oriented.
 
My mum was extremely clean and still is, we just used to play out or play in our room and it was tidied before we went to sleep...

I tidy up after my 2 yr all the time, when she's gone to bed everything is put away, can't stand clutter, in fact when I was dating if I met a woman who was a scruff and untidy she was dumped...:D
 
If it bothers you that much, tidy it up yourself. Lead by example.

Kids just get worse the bigger they get.

You won't find the stick works. Probably not the carrot either!

I do, I start doing it as soon as I get in, once it's done I am so much better and I feel it.
It's an awful feeling but talking about this will hopefully help me.
 
My daughter is great at managing this stuff.

First, she would check to see the kids have all the tools and equipment they need in order to do the clean up job.

Next, she would check to see they have sufficient know how.

Then she would check to see they have an adequate incentive.

She would re-enforce all of the cleaning requirement into a team scenario. eg. When ALL the house is clean, then the whole team goes outside for a barbecue or goes off bowling or to the cinema - all done as a team reward and to instill the idea that the team is doing a great job.

Only after all of the above has been put into practice and when the clean-up task fails would she start with a disciplinary.

I'm not sure what to tell you to do when it gets to "three strikes and you're out!" :)
 
I am married with 2 children love them to bits but I am known as Mr grumpy because I hate mess and shout at them to tidy up.

Look up "House Proud Husky" on YouTube. Can't link to it due to language but it's the first thing I thought of when I read the OP!

My wife is a strange one, very tidy in the kitchen, living room etc. Obsessively clean. But (and I don't mean this in a good way) she's a dirty bitch in the bedroom!
 
I do, I start doing it as soon as I get in, once it's done I am so much better and I feel it.
It's an awful feeling but talking about this will hopefully help me.

first step is the hardest mate. :thumbsup: good luck!

or try getting the kids to make a game of it? who can tidy their stuff first etc
 
I can send you several pictures of my house on a daily basis that way it will make your house feel much cleaner compared to the mess here. :D
 
serpico, first of all, you're not crazy :)

I can identify with you in a lot of ways. I too have a (lovely!) wife and two (great) kids who, to me, are "untidy" and your situation is very familiar. What's particularly interesting is that I too was from a very untidy house as a kid which caused some social issues (not bullying so much, just embarrassment) and I've often wondered that my adult "preference" for things to be tidy stems from those experiences. I'm don't have OCD (at least I don't think so) but as John Richardson said on the topic, "I just like things done right". We have a relatively small house and clutter soon becomes a practical hazard as well as an aesthetic problem!

First thing you need to do is explain this to your wife (if you haven't already) but without confrontation. Maybe go for a walk in the park or for a meal and if the kids are old enough (you don't say how old but I'm guessing younger rather than older), take them along too. Chat openly about how the mess makes you feel. Be prepared to admit that you're over-reacting (and apologise) - that's important too. You need to come to terms with that fact that kids come with mess - it's not mentioned in the new parenting brochures :) - but once you've acknowledged that (and that itself can be hard!), you'll find the rest easier. The key thing here is that what seems to be a really big issue in your mind is really actually a much smaller one in the real world - you have to sort of recalibrate yourself and your emotional reaction. You don't say what your frustration is driven by - is it because its physically difficult for you to navigate the mess i.e. it blocks access around the house or whether you feel you can't invite people around in case they judge you on the condition of your house (or both!).

Next step is to come up with some practical things that you can all do to make things work better. For us, we identified the main mess "ingredients"; stuff like discarded shoes, clothes (dirty and clean!), toys, bags etc and we come up with places that these things could be quickly and easily tidied into - large plastic tubs are great for this but anything that you can throw things into, organised or not, and hide away from view. Identify areas of the house that you always want to keep relatively tidy - for example, the front door/entranceway, staircase, living room etc and clearly lay out places where things go (schoolbags, sports gear, books, toys etc) - this makes it much easier for everyone to understand what's needed and to easily keep on top of it.

Operate a reward structure for the kids to stick to being tidy - sweets, pocket money, whatever you think will motivate them. Set a time for a "family tidy" - for us, it's early Saturday morning - where everyone works together to get the clutter of the week cleared up, a quick spot of vacuuming and dusting, quick clean of the bathroom - literally half-an-hour of general tidying - and then off for a reward - breakfast, out of the house, for example. During the week, use the adverts between TV shows or other little breaks to just pick up the odd things lying around, take the bin out etc.

One particularly successful trick in our house is what I call the "one-up-one-down" rule which basically says that if you're going upstairs, you take at least one thing that needs to go upstairs with you and on the return journey, bring down something that needs be downstairs. It's surprisingly effective and easy to enforce (often with a bit of humour/banter!).

I can't honestly claim to have all the answers but as someone who's been(and probably still is) in your position, I can sympathise. I hope the things I've written help, even if it's just a bit of moral support. I wish you all the very best - do let us know how you get on.
 
serpico, first of all, you're not crazy :)

I can identify with you in a lot of ways. I too have a (lovely!) wife and two (great) kids who, to me, are "untidy" and your situation is very familiar. What's particularly interesting is that I too was from a very untidy house as a kid which caused some social issues (not bullying so much, just embarrassment) and I've often wondered that my adult "preference" for things to be tidy stems from those experiences. I'm don't have OCD (at least I don't think so) but as John Richardson said on the topic, "I just like things done right". We have a relatively small house and clutter soon becomes a practical hazard as well as an aesthetic problem!

First thing you need to do is explain this to your wife (if you haven't already) but without confrontation. Maybe go for a walk in the park or for a meal and if the kids are old enough (you don't say how old but I'm guessing younger rather than older), take them along too. Chat openly about how the mess makes you feel. Be prepared to admit that you're over-reacting (and apologise) - that's important too. You need to come to terms with that fact that kids come with mess - it's not mentioned in the new parenting brochures :) - but once you've acknowledged that (and that itself can be hard!), you'll find the rest easier. The key thing here is that what seems to be a really big issue in your mind is really actually a much smaller one in the real world - you have to sort of recalibrate yourself and your emotional reaction. You don't say what your frustration is driven by - is it because its physically difficult for you to navigate the mess i.e. it blocks access around the house or whether you feel you can't invite people around in case they judge you on the condition of your house (or both!).

Next step is to come up with some practical things that you can all do to make things work better. For us, we identified the main mess "ingredients"; stuff like discarded shoes, clothes (dirty and clean!), toys, bags etc and we come up with places that these things could be quickly and easily tidied into - large plastic tubs are great for this but anything that you can throw things into, organised or not, and hide away from view. Identify areas of the house that you always want to keep relatively tidy - for example, the front door/entranceway, staircase, living room etc and clearly lay out places where things go (schoolbags, sports gear, books, toys etc) - this makes it much easier for everyone to understand what's needed and to easily keep on top of it.

Operate a reward structure for the kids to stick to being tidy - sweets, pocket money, whatever you think will motivate them. Set a time for a "family tidy" - for us, it's early Saturday morning - where everyone works together to get the clutter of the week cleared up, a quick spot of vacuuming and dusting, quick clean of the bathroom - literally half-an-hour of general tidying - and then off for a reward - breakfast, out of the house, for example. During the week, use the adverts between TV shows or other little breaks to just pick up the odd things lying around, take the bin out etc.

One particularly successful trick in our house is what I call the "one-up-one-down" rule which basically says that if you're going upstairs, you take at least one thing that needs to go upstairs with you and on the return journey, bring down something that needs be downstairs. It's surprisingly effective and easy to enforce (often with a bit of humour/banter!).

I can't honestly claim to have all the answers but as someone who's been(and probably still is) in your position, I can sympathise. I hope the things I've written help, even if it's just a bit of moral support. I wish you all the very best - do let us know how you get on.

good post! :thumbsup:
 
Personally I'm not a big fan of rewarding children for what I would call normal behaviour, teaching them and helping them learn what is expected whilst being part of the family is one of the main parts of being a parent which should result in children developing there own intrinsic motivation and values based upon mutual cooperation not upon receiving something of value...

Nothing wrong of course in using praise and showing appreciation..
 
Personally I'm not a big fan of rewarding children for what I would call normal behaviour, teaching them and helping them learn what is expected whilst being part of the family is one of the main parts of being a parent which should result in children developing there own intrinsic motivation and values based upon mutual cooperation not upon receiving something of value...

Nothing wrong of course in using praise and showing appreciation..
I totally agree about the "reward" not necessarily being something tangible or materialistic (my last post probably didn't help :) ). Being a parent is all-too-often about compromising, in the best possible way, to make it things go smoothly (or smoother, at least).

The BBC sitcom series "Outnumbered" nailed modern parenting perfectly.
 

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