Dealing with parents at age 18

Discussion in 'Parents Forum' started by GuitarGuy, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    This is more on Ian j's recommendation but here we go.

    My problem here is getting my parents to give me some freedom. I don't go out like ever because my parents won't let me. Now if I was maybe 15 and living in London I could understand that. But being 18, fairly strong and able to defend myself living in the city of Coventry, the question "what the hell" comes to mind. I can't stay round mates houses. If I do go out once in a blue moon when they let me it's always home by 11. It's like pull my hair out levels of irritation. I even sat down and had the whole what do you honestly expect is going to happen when I'm at uni. That I'm gonna be in bed by 10 every night and stay away from alcohol? Ahh that's jus reminded me about their other stupid rule, "bed time". Is it just me or does sending an 18 year old to go to sleep on a school nigh at 10 quite pathetic? I really need some help here guys cuz im so close to loosing it. And for the love of god don't just say rebel, ignore them or do what you want. I plan on keeping a good relationship with my parents. I'm not about to mess that up now.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2012
  2. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    I sympathise mate.
    Your parents obviously have your best interests at heart, but they're being unreasonable, imo.

    Have you ever given them any cause to not trust you?
    Is a question that springs to mind.

    We used to let our youngest daughter (say 15 at the time) stay out later than that occasionally, as long as we knew she was with friends and we knew exactly where she was going.
    But she'd gained our trust and let us gauge her maturity over a couple of years previous.

    The trouble is, it's your parents house, so you have to live by their rules, imo.

    I've just asked my missus about this and she thinks that if you're paying your own way (as in paying a chunk of any income to them), you have every right to demand they let you stay out later.
    Otherwise, you have to play by their rules, simple as that.

    At least by the sounds of it, it isn't going to be for long if you're going to uni and you just need to bide your time.

    It's a bloody shame, as you sound pretty mature and I really admire the fact that you want to respect your parents and not fall out with them.
    But at 18, you ought to be allowed more freedom and you only have 2 choices, imo.
    You either swallow it or push the limits.

    There really aren't any options inbetween, imo, as you've tried having the discussion, which would be the obvious answer.
    One option might just be to come home later, but make sure you phone them before 10pm, to let them know you're going to be late, making up some convincing excuse.
    That way, they know you can be trusted.
    The trouble is you're only going to get away with that once or twice.


    We're both knocking 50 and had 3 kids each in our previous relationships, the youngest now 20 and they've all left home now (on good terms fortunately), if you're wondering about our experience.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2011
  3. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    I don't question your credentials as a parent mate, your advice speaks all the experience between the lines.

    The talk seemed to work which I was chuffed with (back in october) but then when it came to actually doing anything they were like we know what we said but no, just wait till uni. Then we had the what are you expecting me to do exactly while I'm at uni, and how do you expect me to know how to handle myself when I'm miles away without having had a chance to experience it while still within reach if I needed you. I mean live in cov but nearest uni I've applied to is Loughborough which is around 45 minuets in the car. Then as far a drift as cardiff. Unfortunately I no don't have a job and even if I did they wouldent let me pay any chunk of it for some "freedom". They even get tetchy with me going to birmingham by train on the odd occasion with my mates because "it's too dangerous" basically as if cov is much better. Cov is very similar to Swansea.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  4. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    I'm a well travelled Brummie mate, so you don't need to tell me what Cov's like :D

    They're very much on a par, imo, but that's by the by.

    It just shows that your parents want to protect you :) and you seem to appreciate that :smashin:

    I think you misunderstand me here.
    I didn't mean it as a bribe sort of thing.
    As soon as any of my kids started earning, they coughed up a percentage on the understanding that if they didn't, they could quite happily leave and pay their own way in their own place.
    It didn't take long for any of them to do the sums :)

    You're exactly right in your "getting some experience locally" argument, imo.
    That's certainly how I'd look at it and indeed my lad's introduction to alcohol and pubs was under my supervision.
    I even purposely let him get steaming drunk when I took him down the pub on his 18th, just so he'd know how it makes you feel after :devil:

    But if you've made the point and they don't see it, there's not much you can do :(
    As I keep saying, it's their house and they make the rules, which is only right.

    It's a trickey one and I don't see you have much choice but to swallow it.

    It's only 9 months (?) and although I understand it seems like a lifetime at your age, it really isn't.

    Hopefully others will give their opinions :smashin:
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2011
  5. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    Actually, I've just had another look at your reply and I'm wondering why they never asked you to contribute to the bills when you were working :confused:
    At least, that's how it seems from your response.

    Not that the money is the priority; it's more part of your education.

    The reason I say that is because I was taught that when you earn, you pay your way.
    And when you pay your way, you become entitled to certain rights.

    My first thought is that if they never wanted any money off you, perhaps that's an excuse for them to control you, through being over protective?

    Of course, you might have just been earning peanuts and they just didn't feel you could afford it.

    As for saying it's too dangerous to go by train, I don't understand that thinking at all :confused:
    It's a damm sight safer than going by most other forms of transport.

    My advice would be to leave this thread until you have definitely stopped getting answers (keep answering questions, of course) and ask your parents to read it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
  6. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    im sort of just accepting its gonna just have to wait till uni and I know what you meant about paying effectively "rent". ive done the sums, its a hell of a lot cheaper to stay at home.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  7. Stuart Wright

    Stuart Wright
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    What time do you think is reasonable to go to bed on a school night?
     
  8. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    11 is when I head up to ed of my own accord when left to my own devices. Sometimes 12 at the latest.
     
  9. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    It's not necessarily the time. It's just the principle.
     
  10. Stuart Wright

    Stuart Wright
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    When I started reading your complaint I was under the impression you had left school.
    However, if you are still a school boy and obviously preparing for your forthcoming A levels in readiness for University, then getting adequate sleep is something which you will need and your parents are justified in being concerned that you get. So if I were you, I would Google the average number of hours required by an 18 year old and make sure you get at least that amount of sleep of your own accord. If your parents think you need more and there is no apparent justification, then show them the information you find on the web and make a case for having a later bed time.
     
  11. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    Very reasonable, imo.
     
  12. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    I had done. Apparently 7-8 hours is enough, any more than that is actually detrimental to health in the long term. At least that's what I understood.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  13. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    It would seem I've missed some previous info here, but I don't think sleep time is the problem at all.

    Surely self satisfaction, at 18, is more important anyway?

    This isn't a kid, it's an adult, as much as his parents might not like to admit it imo. :confused:
     
  14. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    Hmm I agree^
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  15. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    Ok this is getting stupid. Just sat at grandmas all together when all of a sudden, Dad: when are you going back to school from the holidays.
    Me: 6th of jan.
    Dad: don't you plan on doing any work between now and then.
    Me: yeah (before I could finish my sentence)
    Dad: you did nothing yesterday or the day before.
    Me: I know, it's called the Christmas holidays to get some rest in too. I'm taking weekends to rest and working week days.
    Dad: ohh cuz your grades are that good that you need a rest. Go right now and get on with some.


    Grrrrrrrrr! Arghhh gahrksotneosm! When I pulled myself from u's e's and d's in January last year to two b's and a c with jack all help from him (only ever criticism in a non constructive way) and am now being predicted an A B C for A2, how the hell can he turn around and say that..... It just makes me wanna rip my hair out..... Arghhhh!
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  16. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    It's not stupid when your parents push you to do as well as you can, but I'm sure you appreciate that.

    We're all entitled to some time off though, so I don't see what the beef is, especially when you're on course to do well :confused:

    Whatever, I'd suggest a compromise here and you do a couple of hours a day to keep the peace.
     
  17. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    Hmm. Mums said the same as you. She's usually the reasonable one.
     
  18. Badger0-0

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    Shows I'm hopefully talking with a slight semblance of sense then :D
     
  19. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    Haha you are mate, after I calmed down I thought the same thing jus before mum came up.
     
  20. qwerty321

    qwerty321
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    Thats Asian parents for you, even though Turkey is a bit in the middle between Europe and Asia.

    Ask many Pakistani, Indian and Chinese people, that's the norm in Asian cultures. :laugh:

    I just nod and smile and carry on, its what parents do, don't let it get to you.

    I graduated this year and was hunting for jobs but until I got one, my parents were on my case quite a bit. All changed once I got a job though. Just hang in a for a few years. :smashin:
     
  21. Matt_C

    Matt_C
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    I do get where the OP is coming from. By the sounds of it, and we've only heard his side of course, his parents sound overbearing, overprotective, and over controlling.

    I'm 30 (tomorrow) and I'm often in bed by 11, more recently I've found myself going to be as early as 10 (and one time last month I began dozing on the sofa, instinctively got up to go to bed and realised it was only 9:20pm!), but thats' my choice. I live on my own, and I make my own rules. I understand the OP being frustrated that at 18, his parents still instill a curfew and/or bed time.

    Then I get to reading to about the homework conversation, and I'm thinking "thats a little ott", but then further down we read about the OP having U, E and D grades. Now I kinda have to side with the parents on this - if your grades were that bad (mine weren't great, but I never got a U, E or D) then it's no wonder they are pushing for you to improve - and stay improved on it (ie, not letting you fall back to lower grades)

    Ultimately, the OP's problem is that until he decides to move out, he is under their roof, and that means their rules. So, it really is a case of put up or move out. And I guarantee you, whilst the idea of going to bed later might be appealing to you, at 18 you're FAR better off living at home, and I suspect you will be for at least a few years to come
     
  22. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    In fairness I will remind you it was my own graft that got me back into the good grades , dad just moaned at me, mum encouraged me (which helped a lot) but at the end of the day i made it happen and the unis I've applied to are all 10th in the country or above for my course asking for my predicted grades or lower.....

    As for the sleeping, again it's just the principle, I'm not even tired by the time I get to bed. I don't plan on moving out and I am trying to be unbiased here. But I really can't understand their point of view......
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  23. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    Ah, Turkish.
    I thought I was only getting part of the info.

    Things are a bit more understandable now, re the differences.

    I now understand better why your parents are more strict.
    Personally, I wouldn't knock the way they are going about things the way they are.

    It's no coincidence most of our doctors etc are Asian, imo.
    It's because the kids are being pushed so hard to do the absolute best they can :smashin:

    If, as I suspect, your parents were born in Turkey and you were born/raised here, it's a bit of a cultural clash, where you have no choice but to do as you're told and bide your time until you're in control, as in, in your own place.

    Probably not what you want to hear though :(
     
  24. GuitarGuy

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    Absolutely not, I'm second generation, mum knows exactly what it's like.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  25. GuitarGuy

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    I mean mum as her two brothers grew up in central London for crying out loud.
     
  26. GuitarGuy

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    Ok so 10:30 on a holiday night and I've been told to go to bed, when I said I just wanted finish a match on the ps3, he goes nuts again saying its just a stupid game, waste of time, as if I'm actually gonna sleep now. Grrr
     
  27. Berties

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    Wondering was your college course your own decision, or did they tell you which one to go on?
     
  28. qwerty321

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    Is the words nuts an accurate description? If so, it does seem OTT.

    As for stupid game, waste of time etc. I get that all the time.
     
  29. GuitarGuy

    GuitarGuy
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    No I was lucky in that respect, my mum knows how important it is to do something your heart is in so I got my own way. I chose electronic engineering. They're supportive of my aspirations for which I am thankful. It's the stupid little things which are completely wasteful of everyone's energy are what annoy me. I'm just sick to the back teeth of it.
     
  30. Badger0-0

    Badger0-0
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    Same as earlier applies, sorry :(

    You either swallow it or leave.

    There really is no inbetween, imo.

    And as you've consistently been told, your parents make the rules if you're living in their house, simple as.

    What exactly do you want?
    Your parents to suddenly change their way of thinking?
    It isn't going to happen, simple.

    I'm unsubscribing now, not because I'm not sympathetic; I am.
    It's more that I don't see where else the discussion can go.
     

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