Council estate intimidation: thoughts/advice?

[MoFoHo]

Hi good people, hope everyone is well..
I'm feeling pretty low today, so I thought I'd ask some complete strangers for their thoughts/advice.

As some of you may know, I'm single father to a wonderful 11 year old boy. He lives with me, I typically drop him at his mums on a Saturday afternoon and pick him up Sunday evening. So I get weekends free! Yay!

His mum lives on a pretty rough council estate, and I've long gotten used to the stares as I drive round back and forth to drop off/pick up my son...

Yesterday was different though. As I drove round to get him I passed a child probably similar age to my son. He was playing football with a group of kids playing in the street, an adult was also just chilling against a nearby fence. Well he threw the ball point blank at my car window, no damage of course, but it got my back up. So I did the worst possible thing didnt I?

I bit. Slammed on the brakes, into reverse, and wound my window down and told him to knock it off.

I guess expecting an apology was a little naive eh? Instead all I got was abuse, laughter and the football thrown at the car some more. The adult seemed to like it too, laughing it up like a good 'un.
Anyways, round the corner, to pick up my son. His mum points out the boys mother (no father around) so I ask her politely if she'd have a word with him, as I'd hate the ball to go under the car wheels and be destroyed. She doesn't seem too bothered, but at least acknowledges my concerns I suppose...
After that, son in my car, and we have to drive through the 'pack'. Again, more abuse, and the ball thrown at the car window some more...

This time I just drive slowly through them and get the heck out of there.

I have a gut feeling this is going to escalate. And that footballs being thrown at my car are just the pre-match warm up. I don't really blame the kids themselves, its their upbringing or lack of it that contributes to their behaviour and lack of respect for others. I feel pretty helpless, as the moment I chastise a child on this street I'll:
1. Get ignored and abused anyway
2. The parents will be out in a flash to dispense some 'street justice' on me, and my car.

I drive a company car by the way. I'd rather it didnt get damaged!
Both my sons mum and her b/f dont drive at the moment, so it's up to me to do all the fetching and carrying. Something I've never had a problem with, but this I can do without, my son too, I sense, as well...

So all I'm asking is are there any others that have been in this situation?

 

[Penski]

It will probably escalate, they'll encourage each other to do stupid things every time they see you. They'll feel safe in their neighborhood surrounded by their friends.

Don't take it personally - there are some scummy people around (or immature brattish 'kids'), and we just have to accept that sometimes we will come across them.

 

[Mr Noble]

I grew up on a council estate, can't say i've gone out my way to wind people up though but regularly witnessed.

Thing is if your from a council estate you seem to have a sixth sense and can tell if someones not from the estate being an estate everyone knows everyone and if someone doesn't like the cut of your jib they will soon let you know as you've experienced.

You can tell how much of a bastard little jonny can turn out to be as soon as you confront the parents.

1. my son/daughter wouldn't do that! out of protection for their darling dearest the parents themselves turn up the heat everytime they see you , you'll be their target for hatred.

2. The parents try to apologise then go onto explain they have no control of them " i'm sick of bloody telling them" These are the kids you should worry about the most. If they're not afraid of a clip round the ear from the parents you'll never phase them.

How someone from a Council estate would handle it.

pull over , " What's you Game Do that again and i'll be straight to your dads door" giving the adult smirking one of 'those' looks.

How someone not from an estate would react .

pull up try to reason with little jonny scrote threaten a call from the cops ..You've just made pulling into the estate each time a whole lot worse.

My advice those that try to put fear into people or intimidate them get a buzz out of it each time they realise tney get away with it the **** soon stops when the tables are turned.

Being streetwise has it's benefits

Also council estates seem to breed jealousy if they see a nice car or someone has something they like it tends to get their backs up. could be just the fact you bother with your son and their fathers don't irks them.

Does your son knock around with other kids off the estate or does he keep himself to himself?

 

[MoFoHo]

Thanks for your thoughts there. In answer to your question no my son doesn't play out on the street. He loves going to see his mum though bless him.
I'm very close to my son,love him to bits. The boy in question hasn't a father around I believe...
As I said in my op I don't blame the boy. He's mearly an unfortunate result of a rotten upbringing,surrounded by fellow children left to wander the streets till late at night and fend for themselves...
Another child,my sons age, was recently encouraged to join in, in the 'kicking' of one of the neighbours one night, so I am told... :-(

 

[Mr Noble]

yup thats what it boils down to irresponsible parenting.

That's one thing i thank my parents for they weren't well off hence bringing me up on a council estate. but everything they had they worked hard for though and it's what they kept on telling me "If you want nice things in life your going to have to work hard for them"

I knew i was never ever to disrespect my elders.

My bed time was 8pm whilst most of my mates were still kicking around the streets at 10-11 on school nights. I wasn't pleased but i can sit back now and realise they weren't just doing it to be unfair there was a reason for it.

I'll be drumming it into my son's head too you won't get far in life if you don't work for it.

I still regularly pop to my mums who still lives on the estate. It's never changed always been a sh*thole always will be with kids still standing on street corners drinking and acting utter clowns. I've even seen people i used to go to school with swearing at their kids in the street!

The majority of my old mates are either dole scroungers , alcoholics/druggies or have 3 kids such a waste of a life.

I only let my son in the Garden to usually his friends come in the garden to play on the swings or Trampoline tend to keep him away from the potty mouthed kid further up the street

 

[Mr Nook]

I have to cycle through some council estates going to/from work. It's amazing the difference in atmosphere. Nobody says hello or whatever and sometimes kids jump in front of the bike or such like to prove how hard they are. I know any response will just make things 10 times worse so best just to ignore.

I reckon your situation with the car will settle down and be forgotten over time. I know it's hard, but best just to swallow your pride and completely ignore any verbal or physical baiting such as throwing the ball against the car. It's spiteful, but at the end of the day harmless and you get to drive away from that dump whereas they have to live there.

 

[Mr.D]

They are kids. A week down the line they won't even remember it.

 

[rampant]

ask your ex wife to collect your son from the entrance of the council estate, then you can simply avoid the issue!

 

[blue max]

I had a related experience. A group of three 10-14yr old boys were walking down the road and one did a shrill whistle in the face of a woman walking by. I just reacted and told them to stop it. I carried on walking, but then then called me a few names. I walked on in the other direction to them. Then they started to throw stones, but again I ignored them. Finally, they turned and followed me.

At this point I wasn't concerned as I was just off to the local supermarket.

When they followed me in, I just tried to lose them, but they were hunting me down. So I went outside and confronted one of them, putting him on the ground and offering to go down a side passage with all three and sort it out.

But they just backed off and kept following me.

Now it occurred to me that going home would not be possible as they would know my address. And worst still, I figured as they had mobile phones, they could potentially call other people to get involved. It was a situation.

I was planning in going to some wasteland where I could at least try to physically stop them following me. My last resort.

But after going to a few other places (including a restaurant), they actually followed me into a pub. I alerted staff and go them removed, but they just waited outside. It started to rain, but they stayed there. Eventually I explained my situation to the staff and they allowed me out of a back entrance. I could glimpse they waiting there in the rain.

I often wonder what would have been better to do. The police just said that I should not have got involved (thanks for that!).

Anyway, I guess the point is that they have nothing better to do.

As for advice, maybe try to time it differently. Vary it, so there is no pattern.

Can you collect them from somewhere close by (McDonalds or something).

I never saw the boys again, but made sure I didn't wear the same distinctive coat for a while. I guess they move on to something else pretty quickly. Just try not to be at the same place at the same time for a while and they will too I'm sure.

 

[BlueOrange25]

ask your ex wife to collect your son from the entrance of the council estate, then you can simply avoid the issue!

I'd second this - prevention being better than the cure and all that. There's really not much you can do when it comes to dealing with these types of scumbags unless you're acting in self defence against harm. (Obviously, you'd want to avoid any situation escalating to that point.)

See if there are alternative locations for you to drop off/pick up your son. Perhaps a local supermarket or store with a car park.

Is it possible to do it early in the morning? I tend to find nuisance kids don't come out until later in the morning at the earliest.

In any event, take care and keep safe.

 

[MoFoHo]

Thanks very much for the great advice folks. I think what disgusted me most about the situation was the fat bloke in the midst of this pack just laughing it up.
In fact, going further, Id suggest the parents of said kids actually condone and even encourage this behaviour. Thus they get to intimidate the guy in the nice car AND shelter behind their kids.

On some occasions a narrow part of the street has been littered with kids. They just don't seem to want to get out of the way. One parent was even sat on the ground,legs outstretched, and I had to be careful not to run his legs over!

I think wanting a confrontation with others is just part of a daily life for some people...

 

[blue max]

Thanks very much for the great advice folks. I think what disgusted me most about the situation was the fat bloke in the midst of this pack just laughing it up.
In fact, going further, Id suggest the parents of said kids actually condone and even encourage this behaviour. Thus they get to intimidate the guy in the nice car AND shelter behind their kids.

On some occasions a narrow part of the street has been littered with kids. They just don't seem to want to get out of the way. One parent was even sat on the ground,legs outstretched, and I had to be careful not to run his legs over!

I think wanting a confrontation with others is just part of a daily life for some people...

Just be careful they don't turn their attention to your family.

 

[MoFoHo]

Just be careful they don't turn their attention to your family.

The day that happens, I stop taking my son there...

 

[Begonia]

It will most definitely escalate.

Why?

Well, you have been tested and the outcome was: "You are the enemy."

Hmmm? So what if you were to try and prove to them that you are not "the enemy" and how could you do it?

Suggestions:

1. Estimate how many kids there are. eg, 10.
2. Buy 10 bars of Kit Kat or similar. Or maybe a Ball - a football?
3. Next time you visit, stop and have a chat with them. Try and make friends with them.

Now this might well be all 'BS' because kids can be totally unpredictable and very cruel too. But at least you are trying to be friendly and disprove their present feeling about you, namely that you and your car (and hopefully, not yet your son and his Mum) are 'the enemy'.

Of course, the enemy should always be attacked with the ultimate aim of its total destruction. It's always best not to be the enemy of anyone.

 

[kav]

^I think what Begonia means is lace the Kit Kats with cyanide.

It's a really difficult one - the way I always think about these situations is that I have so much more to lose than them. They can behave like utter scum and the repercussions are minimal, whereas if, for example, I got done for assaulting one of the little *****, I could lose my job, my career, and be unable to support my family.

That said, I grew up on one of these estates too, and the best way to tackle it is to do like Mr Noble said - call their bluff. You need nerves of steel to do it though. You can earn a grudging respect that way.

 

[Egg White]

yeah, it's a tricky one as I've had problems in the past - when I was about 20 (20 years ago!) - I was seeing a lass and her mams dog went missing - we looked around the nearby field (near some flats) and were shouting for it...

some lads shouted over that they had it etc and my lass went mad and started shouting at them etc -I joined in... they never had the dog of course but were monged out on the grass and were sniffing glue...
not sure if it was the same day - but I was going home one evening when these lads (plus a few more?) came running after me with sticks and chains...! felt like I had to run for my life...

these were rough lads and kinda terrorised the ok estate...

while the lads you're having issues with maybe harmless - you simply don't know what to expect...
but chances are they saw a nice car and were a bit jealous...shame you bit - but then I think I'd of done the same..!

 

[MoFoHo]

the way I always think about these situations is that I have so much more to lose than them. They can behave like utter scum and the repercussions are minimal, whereas if, for example, I got done for assaulting one of the little *****, I could lose my job, my career, and be unable to support my family.

This is EXACTLY the kind of stuff going through my mind...

I have much to lose. They (and Im talking about the parents here) have nothing to lose.

If I was my sons mother, I would move heaven and hell to be living anywhere but there...

I've decided that if the car gets attacked again on Saturday I'll regretfully have to tell her I'm not dropping him off anymore.
How would I explain to my company about bricks and stuff being thrown at it? :-(
Her boyfriend (great guy) often peers through the window when I've brought my son inside as he has long been concerned about malicious damage being inflicted to my car...

There's other ways of getting my son to his mums Im sure. Even just parking 1/4 mile up the road and walking him there.

I really fear the kids' parents will encourage their behaviour, which is truly sickening... :-(

 

[nheather]

In the OP's shoes my biggest concern (which I don't think has been mentioned) is whether it will escalate to the point where my son will be bullied by them once he has been dropped off.

I think whether they start throwing rocks at your car as you drop him off is secondary.

Cheers,

Nigel

 

[Ned Senior]

I grew up in a tiny rural village a few miles from Liverpool
A bit headstrong as a teen I went on an Urban Safari often spending lots of time around kids like your aggressors
Their parents will have been similar to them when young
It is all they know being like that
I fell out with someone and 6 years later was attacked losing teeth and receiving a stabbing!!!!

Grudges last a long time with these narrow minded cretins

I suggest you park away somewhere and get a taxi in and out.... Small price to pay!!!

Good luck

 

[gamingboy]

If you're rocking up in a council estate in a BMW, Merc etc. Or even a new Mondeo you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

These people see you with what they can't have and blame you for the fact that they can't have it.

Small suggestion. Have you got access to an older car? Even for just a day. One that fits in. You might find it's nothing to do with the car and just the fact that you're the Dad of the Kid on the street who comes and goes.

Sorry to hear this. Hope it all blows over.

 

[zed4]

Yes, I'd be avoiding the estate to be honest. Life is too short/precious to be irked by people like this. Avoiding them is probably the best answer, which would mean picking and dropping off your son at the entrance to the estate.

We used to get trouble from the local council estate. My stepdad just went nuts at them and scared the crap out of them after he found them jumping on the roof of his car. My stepdad is a military chap having spent many years in Northern Ireland with the army, he doesn't take any crap. Don't think we had any problems since. I think the kids do realise when adults are being serious if you're serious enough.

 

[Ste7en]

1. Estimate how many kids there are. eg, 10.
2. Buy 10 bars of Kit Kat or similar. Or maybe a Ball - a football?
3. Next time you visit, stop and have a chat with them. Try and make friends with them.

Sorry, but this is everything that is wrong with this country. Some scrote chucks a ball at your car and the advice is to buy him a new ball!

I grew up on a council estate and stuff like this is just fishing, get a bite and the game is afoot. You've taken the bait and time to man up I'm afraid.

Personally, I'd park outside the estate and walk through for my son. There may be some banter, join in, have a laugh. Just shrug it off. If stuff gets physical (very doubtful) at least the car won't get damaged.

Do not try to befriend them and, most definitely, do not buy them gifts. You'll be known as a paedo from that day on.

I just hope they don't decide to take it out on your son.

Oh, the parents will not encourage the behavior, they will be indifferent to it.

 

[hutch]

Just run the little ***** over

 

[RicksonGracie1972]

Confronting these kids will only make things worse as they will have got a reaction from you and that's what they want.
However letting them throw their ball and anything else they care to throw at your car and not reacting will make them think you are scared and encourage them to keep pushing until you confront them.
I think the answer is to avoid. I certainly wouldn't buy them sweets and try and be nice to them as they will see that as a sign of weakness.
In hindsight it would have been better when they first hit your car with the ball to have gotten out and juggled the ball a bit and kicked it back to them. They would have probably liked that.
Good luck and I hope it turns out ok.

 

[Hillskill]

I'd of booted the ball over some fences and laughed back.