Coping by disengaging. Enjoy life without stress.

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Jules, Jun 21, 2015.

  1. Jules

    Jules
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    My family are utter stress heads. They worry about stuff they can't control, they think everything is 'unfair' (often it is) and engage in unwinnable battles. They get upset when things don't go their way, get nothing done, fall out with one another and repeatly discuss the same things in the same way.... result = rows, tears, walkouts and stress.

    I'm the youngest member of my family, but it seams to me they all act like children.

    I've tried the peacekeeper routines, but it just ends up in them trying to pick a fight with me.
    I'm simply too tired with it all and walk away.

    I'm therefore seen as the member of the family that 'doesn't give c**p, but nothing could be further from the truth. I hate seeing everybody falling out, but the only way to deal with it is to disengage.

    As I see it, it's like War Games... the only way to win is not to play.

    This has brushed off into my private life, where I expect things to go wrong and haven't the energy to be frustrated by them when they do. Ironically, this attitude has helped me recently to achieve things my family told me I couldn't do.

    For me, coping by disengaging has become a necessary skill in life. It's not about being selfish, it's about not fighting.
    Too many people in the developed world fail to see what they've got in life and fail to enjoy it.

    Enjoy your life peeps. You could be dead tomorrow. Spread the love.

    (no I've not been drinking)
     
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  2. blue max

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    Seems you have had a moment of clarity. If you can keep your head when all about you etc.

    I'm sure it helped putting it down in writing. We must all learn from others mistakes.
     
  3. shodan

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    I have exactly the same approach and my family also think I don't give a crap about the mundane and futile things they care about.


    They would be right on both counts.
     
  4. Desmo

    Desmo
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    I'm quite lucky as I've pretty much lived my entire life like this. I guess it just in my natural makeup.
     
  5. CooperUK

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    I disengaged likewise from the horrendousness that is my mother. 10 years since I've had anything to do with her and life has been much more pleasant.

    Others in the family have done likewise during that time. A shame - but necessary for my health.
     
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  6. qfk123

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    Hi Jules, You pretty much described my mother when we were young children growing up with her ( nagging my beloved dad ) then getting worse once he passed away.

    People like that sap the life out of existence and breed a level of toxicity in the most mundane and pointless things.
     
  7. sophies hero

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    My mum brought misery and drama to our lives for years and couldn't see herself doing it. Not in a spiteful way but just through repeated bad choices. When my daughter was 3 months old these choices looked like they were going to be repeated again and in my head that meant a life with instability for my daughter also. I explained this wasn't an option for me and excluded her from our lives 3 years ago.

    My life has been alot simpler since but unfortunately a brother also got the chop in the process as well. Its that simple for me, if people aren't good for my life journey then their not in it. I've said for years that family are the people you pick to be important in your life. Relatives are just people you share a bloodline with. Not ideal but completely livable.
     
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  8. Trollslayer

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    “Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.”
    It doesn't come easily but worth the effort.
     
  9. reiteration

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    yes, same here...

    I don't have a close family (which I thought was normal?), my mum's parents died when she was young (well ,about 18) and she's not one for showing love... I'll only see her about once a year - she'll only contact me when she wants something (and that's normally around her birthday etc) - and she's fallen out with the rest of her family but doesn't understand why - but it's always 'take, take, take...' and she never gives in return...

    she's only been to my houses (since I left home 25 years ago) about 10 times?
    she hasn't seen my sister for over 15 years either...
    birthdays etc - with the family it was a case of - crap presents with no thought etc... then that turned to a token gesture of cash, then that stopped... then the cards stopped, and eventually all contact stopped...eroded away...

    I thought for years this was normal... then I began to meet women (experienced this in the in the last 5-10 years) where their familes were really close (and I thought too much so) - they'd help each other, stay in constant contact etc... it was overbearing for me at first, but it's what familes do...
    my lady has a daughter and she helps her all of the time - in fact she's moving out of her boyfriends today and we were out yesterday buying items from gumtree etc... it's what familes do - but the downside of all this is that it's caused a bigger wedge between my mum and I...tho, she doesn't know it...
     
  10. Desmo

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    Just to add to my previous post, I don't really have any family problems that most people are talking about. I was mainly referring to just general life problems and the odd person I may come across that I don't get on with. I detach myself from the problem or person...I don't need it/them dragging me down.
     
  11. sophies hero

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    Its all the same mate there still just people, family or not. I wasn't getting all deep and emotional i was just highlighting that what ur saying is right [emoji106]
     
  12. Member 55145

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    Family are a stressful thing.
    I stopped communication with my mother over 4 years ago and i'm better for it.
    Unfortunately I lost my job of 10 years this year and I am finding it difficult to cope, easiest thing to do was just cut myself off from the rest of them tbh.

    At this rate i'll end up just like my dad, an old miserable git with no people skills... but at least it'll be a quiet life!
     
  13. Tempest

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    How do you learn to "Disengage"
    I have things that wind me up, annoy me, stress me, but all petty things.
    I can pretend they don't bother me, but they do. I'm just pretending they don't.
    Would love the flip a switch and genuinely not be bothered :)
     
  14. Derek S-H

    Derek S-H
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    You put it in a box, compartmentalise it and try and gain a wider perspective.

    I think what the OP is advocating is that :

    1. Life is short.
    2. Don't waste time or energy on trivia.
    3. Try not to repeat the same mistakes endlessly.

    For example, I hate my job and don't like the person I work for. This used to bother me immensely whilst I was there and even when I wasn't. So I now switch off completely - it is all just a life experience that will end one day. And when it does I won't give it a second thought.

    In the wider scheme of things it really doesn't matter. And, to be honest, I'm lucky that I've managed to find someone who is stupid/desperate enough to actually employ me at all!
     
  15. bl0at3r

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    I'm going through this at the moment - my mum is terminally ill and doesn't have long left. My dad and sister are winding each other up into a frenzy with daily stress, fussing and general ridiculousness. They are both on a knife edge the whole time.

    Me - I'd rather she was gone already - for her sake and ours. Her prognosis is days/weeks, she has had a stroke and a heart attack in the last few weeks and is now bed/housebound. She has no life.

    I am trying to distance myself from them, to switch off to it and disengage, but still trying to be close enough to show I care.

    Whilst stuck in this limbo we cannot grieve. Every time Mum opens an eye after a snooze, my dad and my sister think she is cured. It is horrible to watch.

    I hope this ends soon - before I disengage completely.
     
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  16. blue max

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    I liked your post bl0at3r, but more to sympathise. That sounds a really tough situation to deal with. Hope you have food friends round you while you are not getting any support from your family. I'm sure you have your own feelings to deal with.
     
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  17. Pont

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    I feel quite luckly that me and my family members have little interest in the mundane and futile things life brings you. But need help or somethng serious then no problems we get involved.

    The wife on the other hand at first was all about this with her mother, this person said this, that person said that, blah blah blah. That was until I had enough and started to reply with "and?" "so?" "what difference does that make?" "I dont care" "you dont even like this person or see them" . Then one day it all changed "mother I have no interest in <the latest nonsense>".

    Great day.

    Try to find a balance if you can, I know its not easy but you only have one life.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2015
  18. Tempest

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    Thanks for the reply, but I still don't get it.

    To me, it's just me pretending something does not bother me.
    It does bother me, but I can just in my head say laa laa laa, I'm not bothered, but I am!

    It would be like me seeing some guys kicking a kitten down the road.
    It would make me angry, I'd happy shoot them! (a bit OTT I know!)

    But saying, just don't let it bother you, realise things are born and die all the time, its only a cat, there are vastly worse things in this world going on that should be of more importance to me, children starving, wars, etc etc etc.

    I'm still angry about what they are doing to that kitten, even if I try and pretend to myself it does not matter to me.

    This is why I can't "get" how you can magically not be bothered about something that bothers you, just by deciding it won't.

    Not sure my brain can work like that.
     
  19. kav

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    IMO it's more about conditioning yourself on how you think about these things. It's the basis for CBT, recognising patterns of thinking which are damaging, and altering them. Rather than being victim to a thought process, you recognise the flaws in your thinking and therefore the thoughts hold less power over you.
     
  20. Tempest

    Tempest
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    Myself, it's little things that annoy, or rather little things being repeated and never fixed/stopped.

    The, see a problem, deal with it, fix it, move on, is great, but when you bring other people into the argument this falls apart (unless you can control them)

    Not having anything else, worse, to think about can be an issue.
    The more you are focused on one thing, the less something else bothers you I find.

    I do, to a point doubt the level of not bothered-ness some people say they have. Perhaps their lives are such that they are not in that type of position.
    Or perhaps it's just that we are all different.

    In the way that some people just speak their minds and get things off their chest instantly, whereas others say nothing get angry inside and bottle it up.
     
  21. Courtjezter

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    If you can change something, then change it. If you can't then why worry about it, worrying about it will not change the fact you can't change it. That is the key.

    Cat being kicked down a road, that can be changed, and is within your power. Family arguing and stressing over petty things cannot be changed, accept that is what they do and let them get on with it.
     
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  22. Kailash

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    spread the love indeed
    PB-spreadthelove-final.jpg
     
  23. Tempest

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    Well, I do, to a degree TRY on some aspects as I have never been a newspaper buyer.
    My Father always used to buy the daily paper, people I work with still do.
    I don't. At times I could go literally months without seeing a paper.
    They just seem to go out of their way to print things that are designed to wind you up anyway.

    I will admit to not being convinced how care free some people are.
    If I found something that annoyed them, and kept doing it. I wonder how care free they would be, as it's not in their power to stop be doing it.
    Like me parking in a place which made it very hard for them to get in their driveway and I just laughed at them when they asked me if I could move a bit.
    How care free would they be?

    Honestly I really wish I could just turn my brain off at times!
    We do have so much, too much news and information being thrown at us now, and if you look into almost any subject you will find things to get upset about.

    I'll admit, I probably don't live in the world I'd like to live in. Where we all get along, don't annoy others, don't try and screw others over for our benefit.

    If there is a happy, don't give a crap pill, I'd like to try one :)
     
  24. Tempest

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    I will admit to being unsure about CBT.
    I know/knew a lady very much into that.
    She was very much into flying saucers, and believing world leaders, including our royal family were actually lizards in disguise.

    About how two races in space fought over the earth millions of years ago, and one is coming back soon!

    I kid you not!

    As I say, she was, and another family member was very much into using CBT to apparently, she thought help others.
    It does seem a little like a licence to print money, without actually having to do anything or offer anything. Just chat to people with problems, and if their problems did not go away, well, it was their fault for not following your CBT advice well enough.

    Probably not a good example for me, but they seemed very two faced.
    Into hippie stuff and personal drugs when off duty and yet raking it in when in I'm a professional mode.

    Probably does not help that I tend to only see in black and white, and yes and no things.
     
  25. Trollslayer

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    It's not a miracle cure but a useful tool.
     
  26. pRot3us

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    @Tempest I think it's important to garner various mental tools throughout your life for any sense of inner peace.

    The first and most obvious one, that is a good example (and one that I'd hope most adults already understand) is hatred. It is a totally negative emotion/state of mind, if someone has wronged you (real or perceived) then dwelling on it for hours/days/years after they have long forgotten means they win and you lose. It is nothing more than choosing a mental state of negativity/anger/depression.

    As I say most of us understand this and know not to hate, so if you know this too you have already defeated this negative mental state, or pathway to a negative mental state.

    Another tool is being self analytical, essentially being able to monitor your moods. If you ever find yourself in a bad mood (for no apparent reason), pause and rewind time in your head. You will usually find a series of small events that has lead you to that state of mind, e.g. you've made a small stupid mistake at work, birds have crapped on your windscreen and someone gave you a funny look after you let them out at a junction (all insignificant in the grand scale of things). Realising what has caused a bad mood helps realise it's worthlessness and helps dissipate it.
     
  27. Derek S-H

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    Tempest - I don't think anyone really claims to be carefree. We all have worries and concerns, but it's just a question of managing them and not letting them consume you.

    Also, I don't know you or anything about you, but you sound like you have a "busy" mind to me. I think one of the key concepts to disengaging is switching off and/or becoming more aware of your triggers.

    Like everyone else, I'm sure you popped out into this world in a relative state of bliss, utterly unconcerned about what had passed, what was happening or what lay ahead. Anxious mental states are learned behaviours, in my opinion, and in the same way they've been learned they can also be unlearned too.

    CBT is one method, meditation is another. I would posit that anyone who has any semblance of self-awareness finds life difficult. Just dealing with our own stuff is challenging enough (and we have all got stuff), so the last thing we need for our own equilibrium is to take on other people's issues unless absolutely necessary.

    Some people thrive on daily dramas for whatever reason, other people are so inexpressive as to be virtually dead. But they are what they are and only they can change their behaviour if they want to.

    We don't have any control over other people, not really. And there is still a degree of choice over how and who you want to be. But it takes time and work, a simple pill would never be the answer!
     
  28. Ruperts slippers

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    I'm the same, our family ethos has always been "Stand on your own two feet".. Which in the main means getting on with our own lives and keeping our noses out of everybody else's, which means we only carry our own burdens...
    And now I'm married means we also only focus on our own families needs, friends are their of course but people who cause drama are quickly pushed into the background, people who have incorrect behavioural boundaries for married life are also kept at arms length..
    All my mental energy goes into my job, wife and children...

    Don't get me wrong their are people trying to cause problems for one reason or another but my initial angry reaction is diffused and they are then forgotten about..
     
  29. Courtjezter

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    I bet you don't, you have just conditioned yourself to think you do.

    CBT is about looking at how we react to situations and understanding why we have learned to react that way. Most of our responses are learned behaviour. Then looking at and learning different ways to respond.
     
  30. Desmo

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    Here's a little example of how I deal with things in life...

    Last weekend I was running backstage for a competition. 60+ competitors in groups who all need to be on stage at the right time, getting people organised can be a bit hectic. Things generally ran smoothly apart from one group who were a little rushed.

    Afterwards on Facebook there were comments from a couple of coaches who slagged the whole federation off and said the backstage crew should be ashamed of themselves at how poorly it was run. Comments saying that I told somebody it would be around an hour until they were on stage and then I called for them 5 minutes later. Another person said it was 45-60 minutes until stage time and then I called 20 minutes later. This was obviously all backed up with other comments from people who weren't even there on the day and plenty of "likes". Neither of these were actually true and I certainly don't feel ashamed of how the show ran on the day. I also know the difference between 1 hour and 5 minutes :D

    Now, I could have become embroiled in a big tit-for-tat on facebook, trying to save face, correcting people and defending myself and the federation...but it's not worth it. It's not worth my time, effort or the negativity to actually do it. You can tell by other comments that there's sour grapes involved as their competitor only came in 6th and they're looking for something or someone to blame. You can also tell that no matter what I say, it's not going to change their mind so it's not worth bothering.

    So I removed myself from a situation that many would probably have felt the need to defend themselves. Me? I just don't care what these people think of me. I don't know them and will most likely never meet them in my life again.
     
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