Bullying at school/home schooling

The Markster

Active Member
Hi all, don't usually start threads more often a lurker, commenter on previous ones.

We have been living a nightmare with our oldest daughter who is going on 14. We have endured a year or so of abuse from her and none of her outbursts made sense. We aren't rich by any stretch but are comfortablr and all our kids are well provided for and do not go without.

We broached the subject of school issues which she denied, so we took it as her been a teen, albeit very nasty.

This week she got in the car after school and broke down saying she wanted to kill herself. She has been getting bullied since spring, largely down to her appearance, been called the fat one, being targeted by missiles, thrown into walls in the corridor. Heartbreaking stuff when we've gotten to the bottom of it. She has been trying to make herself ill by not drinking enough fluids. Thankfully this we are now on top of. The school have been unaware of this as she is too afraid to speak up, and she had been using us as a sounding board because she has been bottling things up.

The school have said they would put plans in place such as allowing her to leave lessons 3 mins earlier to miss the crowds etc and bizarrely move her to the front of the class on her own so she's not near anyone to name call her.

She can't cope and i don't think these measures will help. I have had discussions with 3 parents about this and all of them say their child is going through the same. The school acts at first but don't seem to keep this up and it all restarts. Kids are self harming.

Due to this, we have decided to remove her from the school and I am going to homeschool her. Luckily I am around during the day as my job doesn't clash with school hours.

My question is, has anyone been in or known anyone in this situation and has homeschooling helped out? My daughter is a shadow of her former self and is now frightened to leave the house and I hate myself for not doing something sooner. Even though she denied there was a problem I feel I should have went into the school sooner, however even the school claim they are unaware of any issues.

Even though the facility is fantastic I think there are far too many pupils and not enough staff. The school has had a rotten reputation since it opened where as before, when it was the old setup of 2 separate schools, there was never the amount of reported trouble.
 

SDMDAM

Well-known Member
So sorry to read about your daughter and I hope you manage to turn things around.

In my experience schools do not do enough although I appreciate it is not easy. We had issues with our daughter in 6th year which ruined the last year of her schooling and the school did not really help much at all.
 

JimmyMac

Distinguished Member
Right decision to remove her from the school IMO, I know it's not easy but the source of her problems are there so it's a good step. Home schooling, tutors, change of school are all way to cover her education

Right now though the education whilst important is not the most important part, it's her mental health.

She needs to talk to someone, it may be really hard to convince her of that but even if you speak to a doctor on her behalf you really should look at getting her some counselling of some sort. I cannot stress this enough! It's fantastic she has opened up to you and recognised the issue. Whilst she may now talk to you there will be professionals that can really get to the key issues and help her turn it all around. Please look at doing this!

Also be aware of her social media/group chats, bullying can still continue online!
 

jakewalsh

Active Member
Kids are horrible, something like this is the biggest fear for my kids as they get older.

Really watch social media and mobiles as they can still get to her, something that we never had as kids it stayed at school

Sadly what kids dont realise is that its not important to listen to those around you esp when its negitive,

When i was a kid playing hockey one of the best player on our team was getting bullied. He was the type of lad who shaved at 12 and looked 15. Big strong lad and wouldn't think twice about putting you through the boards. Off the ice nice lad but bullied. His parents took him out of school and hes done really well for himself.

I hope you all the best, i hear more and more of this a frinds daughter is going through the same having missed the last ye of primary and moving to secondary school.

Schools hide this away, they dont do near enough with bullying.
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This saddens me and angers be in equal measures.

My son was bullied at primary school in and off for 2 years until I got wind of it.

I gave the school every opportunity to fix it and spoke with teachers etc.

Eventually there was an issue in which teachers had the opportunity to deal and they failed to.
I emailed the head teacher via the general school email (guaranteeing more than one person would see it so let's chance of it being missed it ignored) the whole history of it all and told them they had failed him, failed in their duty and he had no faith in them.
I also said that if the matter want can't with immediately, I world be escalating the matter.
I then listed the emails I works escalate to which included local politicians, the local newspaper and the Department for education.

That got us a meeting with the Head and the teacher who was the head of support etc.

I took everything with me in documentation form in a folder including the school's own anti bullying policy which they will have and it's probably on their website or you can request it.

The head said after the meeting she'd bring Jack in to discuss it.
I said I wanted him in there from the beginning so he could see us working together and understand exactly what was going on. She agreed.

Sufficient steps were taken sufficient changes made and the issue was dealt with.

I totally understand where you are coming from but I don't agree with taking her out of school.
I think she needs to be around other kids and will take from this in to her adult life that this is the best way to deal with the problem. She also needs full access to the teaching staff too.

I could be wrong on both counts, I don't know her, you do.

I also couldn't do the home schooling as I couldn't maker it work.

If you think it might help, just ask and I'll pm you the email what I sent to the school.

I hope you get this sorted and she gets to be feeling better about herself.
 
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severe dainjah

Well-known Member
No experience with home schooling, but can fully appreciate your worry and concern for your daughter…. our 14yo daughter is having very similar issues with bullying at school and we are equally frustrated by the school “measures” to deal with the situation (similar approach - pass to arrive late/leave early to avoid perpetrators, option to hide in guidance at lunch).

It’s good she is talking to you, keep that going and encourage her to feel safe to open up at home. I’d echo the suggestion of seeking some support for her mental health and definitely suggest checking social media if you can - Snapchat is a cesspit from what I’ve seen on some of my daughters “school” chat groups.

Good luck with home schooling - it’s an option we are considering ourselves
 

aVdub

Distinguished Member
I would say that it will not hurt to reach out to professionals that can help and offer you advice and guide you all through this difficult time.
 

The Markster

Active Member
Thank you to all the replies and I am sorry and sympathise with you who have had to go through it all too.

She's talking now and is calm now she won't be returning. I can't see how it would work as even her so called froends take pot shots. Only working in isolation at that school would solve it all.

She's at the docs tomorrow to talk to them and is in touch with a psychologist.
 

kBm

Distinguished Member
Check out Facebook for home schooling groups in your area, always lots of people in the same boat.

I can only echo your frustration with the school system having been let down with my son. School promising all the support under the sun and delivering none. The Local Authority have been even worse.
 

The Markster

Active Member
I'm actually surprised at the amount of people who are homeschooling or considering it from the school and the wider community. I am so lucky in a way this has coincided with me becoming self employed and being available to homeschool as we would have otherwise had an issue. There is another secondary school near me who has a similarly bad reputation so I don't know how that would pan out.

I do despair that secondary schools have been closed and merged to form this academy. This academy has a sister academy a few miles up the road and it has similar horror stories about it.
 

The Markster

Active Member
Think that its all sinking in with my daughter now that her nightmare is over, she has just come in to the room and juat broke down, looking like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders
 

alphaomega16

Distinguished Member
Schools seriously need a zero tolerance on bullying, you do it you are out.

I went through primary and secondary school and it was hell both inside and out, ended up never going out as I used to see them when I was out and they would just carry on.

Teachers didn't care, head mistress was a ***** and even pushed my pregnant sister into the road and told her not to wait outside her school for me. For some reason she had it in for our family or was just that much of a *****.
 

The Markster

Active Member
Schools seriously need a zero tolerance on bullying, you do it you are out.

I went through primary and secondary school and it was hell both inside and out, ended up never going out as I used to see them when I was out and they would just carry on.

Teachers didn't care, head mistress was a ***** and even pushed my pregnant sister into the road and told her not to wait outside her school for me. For some reason she had it in for our family or was just that much of a *****.
absolutely shocking and I am sorry you had to go through that. No excuse for that.
 

The Dreamer

Distinguished Member
Can't really add much - only to say that I'm sorry to hear of the bullying.

Our lad was racially bullied by a couple of lads when he was at Middle school. Generally getting shoved around and called the usual slurs for someone of far-eastern roots. The fact they were referring to him as a 'Jap' when he's actually half-Chinese, might indicate the level of these pratts intelligence - they couldn't even get the slurs right!

At the time, he was doing Karate, but hadn't developed enough either physically or knowledge wise - so he just bottled it up and kept quiet.

The first we knew of it was a couple of years later, when he'd finally had enough. Laying out this pair with just one kick and one punch!

He came home in tears, having used violence, thinking I was going to tell him off - but I couldn't have been more proud! And I'm not one for violence myself - but if someone like my lad had decided this was the only way out, then I absolutely trust his judgement - and indeed, this seems to be what martial arts teaches - self control, and discipline, but if the situation needs it, then you have the skills to end any conflict in short order. In many ways I wish he'd carried on, (he got as far as 1st Kyu (Brown belt + 2 stripes)), and studied other stuff like jiu-jitsu - but he has time for that later I guess.

He's only ever had to use it once more, at high school, when some clown decided to push him around (don't think this was racial - he was just an arse), and my lad again put him on the floor in short order.

He's never been bothered since, despite being smaller than most of his peers.

I'm not saying martial arts is a cure-all, but it does teach all of the stuff above - but above all, I think, it gives one a certain self-confidence and self-belief. And I'm not saying now is the right moment to suggest it, as your daughter might just see it as a way of being able to 'knock heads' - which is not what I'm suggesting it should be used for. But it could be something to consider to raise her self esteem and confidence?
 

oneman

Well-known Member
Unfortunately the school is making her a bigger target by making her make changes rather than dealing with the kids that are causing the problem.

Have you contact the school governors about your concerns ?
 

Claire00

Well-known Member
Unfortunately the school is making her a bigger target by making her make changes rather than dealing with the kids that are causing the problem.

Have you contact the school governors about your concerns ?
It makes me angry. It should be the bullies made to change not the victim.
 

Xenomorph

Member
My question is, has anyone been in or known anyone in this situation and has homeschooling helped out? My daughter is a shadow of her former self and is now frightened to leave the house and I hate myself for not doing something sooner. Even though she denied there was a problem I feel I should have went into the school sooner, however even the school claim they are unaware of any issues.

Homeschooling our two daughters was the best decision we made. Our situation is more complicated because the eldest is high functioning autistic. I firmly believe that leaving her in school would have had very dire consequences as her mental health was deteriorating.
Schools have no idea how to deal with mental health issues, or systematic bullying, which is also what we were getting.
We decided to get off the educational conveyor belt and go our own way. Younger daughter is now in a much better position in terms of academic knowledge. She has foundation knowledge in maths which was severely lacking from her time primary school. So I don't think they did a particularly good job anyway. But the quality of schools does vary.
There are some great resources out there to help you with home education. Although I appreciate not all families are in a position to do it.
 

jakewalsh

Active Member
no it shouldn't - but when the system isnt working you can only push some one so far before something breaks and its fight or flight - so suicide or kickoff
 

shodan

Distinguished Member
True but I don't see why violence should be used as a means of resolving conflict. We don't do it as adults to sort out personal differences or grievances.
It is the way of the world. We do it on a tiny scale where millions of interactions each and every day are affected by the subtle, non verbal threat of violence where a person will mentally overpower someone or may decide a more aggressive approach is not the best idea. Most of the time we don't even realise we are doing this, it is being dealt with by one of the oldest parts of our brains (amygdala - always on the lookout for danger, ready to trip the fight or flight response and an adrenal dump).
We also do it on every scale up to a global scale including World Wars.
Violence used as a means of resolving conflict.

So nope, I don't want it anywhere near my kids (or other peoples for that matter) but it is a tried and tested and exceptionally good way of resolving conflict.

It is also why women tend to argue with other women and blokes more than blokes argue with other blokes - because with blokes there is always a threat of potential violence that we don't tend to feel as much from women.
 

Donald duck

Distinguished Member
We had trouble with bullying with my step daughter. Culminating in the bullies ringing the house.
In the end after months of the school attempting to deal with it I stepped in and gave the school and the perps a Scarborough warning.
This happened back in the mid 2000's.

I was bullied as a child and a teenager, I spent most of those yrs having fight after fight.
I wouldn't advise that as a strategy, however leveraging with force is an effective strategy.

In this case removal from the school, protecting your daughter is the only answer.
I don't know why children do it, post teenage yrs people change and move on with their lives anyway.
 
D

Deleted member 27989

Guest
So sorry to hear, not just the OP but all the others as well.

And yes we unfortunately had that situation to deal with as well. And again our experience with the school has been less than satisfactory focussing on special measures for my daughter opposed to dealing with the bullies.

We had to end up taking her out of that school. We tried another school, but that wasn’t much better not just due to social media (the bullies seem to know quicker than we did that she was going there), but also the amount of drugs being used.

The reasons are immaterial, our daughter was bullied because she is tall and slim opposed to the other. And also because we live in a “posh” place, whatever that means. It all came to a big head when she was beaten up in town. Luckily by standers jumped in and called the police. But she was so frightened that she didn’t want to make it official. The police took her to hospital. Not a call you ever want to get as parents. The reason, a girl who she didn’t even know was walking with her friends and her boyfriend on the other side of the street. Apparently the boy was looking around and when caught by his girlfriend commented along the lines of why she can’t look pretty like my daughter. So her and her friends decided to beat her up and teach her a lesson. Just unbelievable.

But yes the school was useless. What really helped is when we finally got through to child mental health services with a referral. But that was another battle as they had no capacity and it was a different person each time. But through that we found one chap who connected with her, and we went private so she had someone truly independent to talk to.

The damage to her standard track in school was done sadly. She ended up going to college earlier which did help. First year was tough and rather pointless as she ended up doing English, maths etc with adults who couldn’t even speak English. It was terrible. But she switched to automotive engineering. Had another battle with sexist teachers, but there were also some great ones. When they realised how serious she was and got nearly perfect scores on every test it all changed. But then the location changed back to the old town and those girls were there again. All pushing a pram now, and doing beautician courses.

Anyway we were anxious, but then oh so happy and proud that she was able to deal with the situation. Her speaking to an independent has really helped. She is now in her third year, got 98% average for her level2. And whilst she has several offer to join high end racing teams, she now has the confidence back and is considering to continue to university after getting her level 3 qualifications.

It was not an easy route, but as the saying goes, there are many roads that lead to Rome.

My advice is to try and get her some help to deal with the issues and take it from there. It’s tough now, but it will work out in the end.
 

Xenomorph

Member
It is the way of the world. We do it on a tiny scale where millions of interactions each and every day are affected by the subtle, non verbal threat of violence where a person will mentally overpower someone or may decide a more aggressive approach is not the best idea

Not at work, which is where most of us spend our daily lives. I've never felt that there was a possibility of physical violence. And if that did happen, the person involved would be pretty quickly marched straight out the door.

It is also why women tend to argue with other women and blokes more than blokes argue with other blokes - because with blokes there is always a threat of potential violence that we don't tend to feel as much from women.

I don't like the sound of that society. We have laws to prevent physical violence.
 

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