Brother in law wants to move in

Hpi_matrix

Active Member
I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I feel like a parent right now.

My BIL had an abusive ex, he got out of the relationship and moved to Australia where he lived (rent free) with his aunt/uncle and worked on & off on a tourist work visa thing for a year and a half.

He then went on holiday in Asia and met a girl who lived in Brazil, he followed her back there (to extend the holiday I guess?). Then Covid happened, he was adamant about staying there but the family convinced him to fly to me and my partner who are in the UK (the rest of the family is in Malaysia). He was very resentful about the family "making" him fly to the UK. During his time with us we did make him pay a minimal amount of rent (£300 approx inc food & bills), he got a well paid job (£175 a day) which involved working in London and he would stay sleep in a hotel a couple of nights a week, due to this he decided to reduce his rent. He ended up living with us for a year like this.

He then decided enough was enough, he hated his job (4am starts) and he was going to Brazil, he said he wanted to have a life there, buy property, get a job etc etc. It seemed a shame he couldn't wait an extra month for our wedding as my now wife had none of her family there (due to travel restrictions), which was tough. She didn't tell him to stay, but to do what he felt was best. I personally feel as a brother he should have been there no matter what.

5 months went by and he has now broken up with the Brazilian g/f (right after she splashed out on his birthday), from what I can ascertain he didn't really make an effort to get a job there and it was more like a big holiday as they spent most of the time travelling round Brazil. He is complaining he is depressed and needs therapy due to his past abusive ex. He gave my wife 1-2 weeks notice that he intended to come back to the UK and stay with us.

He has now flown back to our house and his new plan is to get a permanent residency in Australia (a company he worked for has offered him a job and will sort the legal side). The only snag is this will take 5-7 months (again apparently), however this gives him the opportunity to build his funds back up (after using them on holiday). He is looking at going back to his old job in London and getting therapy for his mental health.

My wife obviously feels a duty of care for her younger sibling, and he is ok to live with. However our house is small, we are looking to start a family and I must admit I'm a selfish only child and I like my space. I'm not sure if living with us is really the best thing, he is nearly 30 now so really needs to start standing on his own two feet.

Do we sympathize with his mental issues and let him stay almost free in the house? Do we charge him full rent? Or do we just say go and rent somewhere?
 

realfrankturner

Distinguished Member
If it was me I would help him until he is back on his feet, but set some sort of timeline, and assuming he gets a job he shouldn't have to be there too long.

And he should pay his way as well.
 

ashenfie

Well-known Member
I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I feel like a parent right now.

My BIL had an abusive ex, he got out of the relationship and moved to Australia where he lived (rent free) with his aunt/uncle and worked on & off on a tourist work visa thing for a year and a half.

He then went on holiday in Asia and met a girl who lived in Brazil, he followed her back there (to extend the holiday I guess?). Then Covid happened, he was adamant about staying there but the family convinced him to fly to me and my partner who are in the UK (the rest of the family is in Malaysia). He was very resentful about the family "making" him fly to the UK. During his time with us we did make him pay a minimal amount of rent (£300 approx inc food & bills), he got a well paid job (£175 a day) which involved working in London and he would stay sleep in a hotel a couple of nights a week, due to this he decided to reduce his rent. He ended up living with us for a year like this.

He then decided enough was enough, he hated his job (4am starts) and he was going to Brazil, he said he wanted to have a life there, buy property, get a job etc etc. It seemed a shame he couldn't wait an extra month for our wedding as my now wife had none of her family there (due to travel restrictions), which was tough. She didn't tell him to stay, but to do what he felt was best. I personally feel as a brother he should have been there no matter what.

5 months went by and he has now broken up with the Brazilian g/f (right after she splashed out on his birthday), from what I can ascertain he didn't really make an effort to get a job there and it was more like a big holiday as they spent most of the time travelling round Brazil. He is complaining he is depressed and needs therapy due to his past abusive ex. He gave my wife 1-2 weeks notice that he intended to come back to the UK and stay with us.

He has now flown back to our house and his new plan is to get a permanent residency in Australia (a company he worked for has offered him a job and will sort the legal side). The only snag is this will take 5-7 months (again apparently), however this gives him the opportunity to build his funds back up (after using them on holiday). He is looking at going back to his old job in London and getting therapy for his mental health.

My wife obviously feels a duty of care for her younger sibling, and he is ok to live with. However our house is small, we are looking to start a family and I must admit I'm a selfish only child and I like my space. I'm not sure if living with us is really the best thing, he is nearly 30 now so really needs to start standing on his own two feet.

Do we sympathize with his mental issues and let him stay almost free in the house? Do we charge him full rent? Or do we just say go and rent somewhere?
No sure on ages here, but it appears he has free loaded off everyone.

You have a new life and wife and hopefully a family which is your future together. I understand your wife feels responsible for his safe keeping, but that can be done in other ways and it's up to her brother to take responsibility for his own life.
 

ashenfie

Well-known Member
We are all around the 30 mark, other then Brazilian g/f who was early 20s
Quite young in the eyes of a old codger like me, but the g/f sounds very young. He really is at age to at least be sorted.
 

Desmo

Distinguished Member
Obviously we're only hearing your side of things but he sounds like a bit of a nobber. Get him to rent somewhere if he's earning some decent money.
 

Hpi_matrix

Active Member
Obviously we're only hearing your side of things but he sounds like a bit of a nobber. Get him to rent somewhere if he's earning some decent money.

Yeah, he isn't a "bad guy", we get on, play video games etc together, he is a chef so will do the cooking.

I think both myself and my wife are non confrontational, and she certainly wants to come across as "our door is always open" and doesnt want to be seen as profiting from family. Now he has starting talking about mental health issues its even trickier for us to deal with. I didn't really take control last time as Covid had made things very difficult for everyone and I wanted to avoid any upset.

I think the main thing is we need to agree a deadline for him to move out as I can see the Australia move dragging on.
 

SyStemDeMoN

Well-known Member
Sounds like a leech to me.
He is constantly trying to live anywhere that is nowhere near you or his sister. Why let him leech once again only to find if and when the Australia dream folds or never happens you might be stuck with him longer than you thought.
Best case is he goes to Australia and does well and repays the favour and you get a free holiday there every once in a while.
Worst case you have a major fall out and the stress damages YOUR relationship with your wife.

I would probably put him up for a month MAX to sort himself a digs and a job.
I don't think he can play up to mental issues due to a past relationship as he has had at least one since then.
 

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