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Best Man Tomorrow

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by kelvin, May 20, 2005.

  1. kelvin

    kelvin
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    :eek:

    Nerves are most definitely starting to kick in! :rolleyes: I'm not one for public performances at the best of times and have been dreading this for months :(

    Does anyone have any tips for the all important speech? I don't intend to drag it out for too long - maybe a few minutes or so with the usual elements included. I don't regard myself as a particularly "funny" person and am a bit worried that some of the jokes may fall flat. That could just be the nerves mind...

    The structure of it is basically there now and i'm going to be padding it out throughout this afternoon. I'd appreciate any advice though :)

    What have others experiences been like? Any disasters you'd like to share so I can avoid the same fate?!!

    K.
     
  2. seany

    seany
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    I did it last july, was scared to death but it went pretty well. Don't do it off the top of your head. Type something out and do it in large print so you can leave it on the table rather then holding it in your hand. I colour coded different parts (red and black) so i never got lost in a see of text with all the nerves ect

    The brides dad is a salesman, and he kept going on about him not being nervous as he has to speak to large groups for a living, and he was rubbish:laugh:


    Me and my mate are daft, so we had a good laugh and people laughed when they were meant to so it went as plannded thankfully..

    Would not want to go through it again though:rolleyes:
     
  3. Solomon Grundy

    Solomon Grundy
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    A bit of planning will go a long way, plus your audience will be very forgiving. I was so nervous I couldn't eat, but it all went ok, if you are really bad stand behind your chair and hold onto the back of it so they can't see you shaking!
     
  4. seany

    seany
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    I was fine until near the end when my hand started to shake:eek: Dont ask me why it did because things were going ok.

    Here's my speech

    Nicely done fellas you can relax now while i stutter my way through this…
    Hello everybody, for those of you that don’t know me- which is everybody, my names Sean and I’m just a boy that can’t say no, god I wish I did
    I’d just like echo the sentiments given by the lads on the fantastic job the bridesmaids have done, and of course Simon, if I’ve done half as good a job today I’ll be a happy man
    I tell you one thing Tony, I’m not being your best man at your next one (pause for reaction) of course there’s never going to be a next one; Nicky would kill him first.
    We now get to the life and times of Mr Anthony Moran…
    I’m irish & tony Tony is half Irish, and was raised in inner city Manchester, a fantastic mix .
    It meant we both grew up with uncontrollable Irish hair (think terry wogan in shorts) and strong but different accents, I’ve lost my accent, tony’s lost his hair…
    In case you never knew, and he’ll let you all know by the end of the night Tony was in RAF, like the sars virus he’s travelled the world causing untold misery for people with his with sense of humour, which is just as painful as sars and harder to avoid
    He spent 12 years in the service and he saw a lot of action in the gulf---only on sky news sky though. The closest Toney’s ever got to action is in Bangkok with lady boys,

    I first met Tony, when myself and Diane (Diane salutes hello) greeted him to the neighbourhood with a bottle of wine,
    That’s turned out to be the most expensive bottle of wine we’ve ever bought, not only because it was £5.99!!!! (Yes as much as that) it was also because I was guttetd the money we put on gift card is for a dish washer!!! (looks at the bride) He’s got one!!!
    Over the months we all became firm friends. Diane would often call at Tony’s to to ask him round for tea. Tony must have felt a little awkward, as I think poor Diane literally had to drag him round, they always looked out of breath and flushed when she got to the front door with him. What other reason could there be for it?
    Tony was of course single when I met him, he’d had the odd date but nobody that he felt he had a connection with ( whisper... "they never liked him").
    One day he gave me a call and told me that he had found what he had been looking for over the net, I asked if he’d bought a Bangkok lady boy dvd.
    He had indeed bought one, but that’s not what he was talking about. He had in fact met a girl called Nicky from poynton, I remarked that I had once met a girl from poynton and that she was a right goer, Tony saw this as a good omen and a date was made…

    And the rest as they say… is history,
    Over the last year I have had the honour to witness two kind, gentle, and caring people. Finally find what they have been looking for, and I for one think the wait has been more then worth it.
    John Keats said: a thing of beauty is a joy forever. May you both enjoy the beauty of enduring love for evermore (I’m filling up)
    Ladies and gentleman boys and girls, can you please raise your glasses and join me in a toast...

    To the bride and groom
     
  5. Kopite4Ever

    Kopite4Ever
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    that was a good speech i must admit :D bangkok lady boy dvd :rotfl:
     
  6. ReggieDaMole

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    Heres mine ... god did i really go on this long..... :eek:

    Martins speech

    Welcome ladies and gentlemen……

    Firstly I have a public announcement from the management – if you left your car behind Martins in the car park they have some bad news for you……
    On behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys, I’d like to thank Martin for his kind words.
    Now speech are never easy, I’m sure it will be like losing my virginity again…I’d like to thank you all for laughing at the end…

    Due to time constraints I downloaded portions of this speech from the internet and changed the names accordingly…. So here goes

    I first met ‘Martin’ back in 1985 whilst holidaying in Marbella, he was doing well at the time importing Thai women into a prostitution ring in South London. He was in Spain laying low for a while due to some unwanted interest from Scotland Yard…..that said hes now cleaned up his act and here we all are today celebrating his wedding …

    It’s a great honour to be Best Man for Martin today but I really shouldn’t be stood up here, I’m sure Martin would have preferred his true best friend to be up here today… The true best man Murphy Brown asked me to read this message out to you all…

    ‘Hi Mom, Hi Dad, Hi to all my uncles and aunts, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you all to enjoy your special day ……but I’ve been locked in the garage at Uncle Justins. I’ll be laying on my blanket licking my balls, thinking of you……. Dad I am very proud to be your son and I know you have got a very special person in your new wife who I am proud to call ‘mummy’. Have a great day and I’ll see soon if they ever let me out of this place.

    Tributes have been flooding in today from others including some of Martins main business rivals – Richard Branson, Rupert Murdoch to name but a few. Richard says of Martin - He is a true entrepreneur built from the same mould as myself and he was coming up fast in the outside lane for a while , if it hadn’t been for the Magic Moments disaster I’m sure he would have owned an airline by now….

    Now it has been said that being the Best Man is like making love to the Queen: it’s a great honour, but no one wants to do it! So in an effort to break the ice I’d like to go round the room with each person stating their name and giving us a brief bit of info about themselves……..no skip that…. I’m hungry.

    Now as Best man another duty was to organise the stag-do but Martin insisted on doing this himself – there would have been no way to cream off the top if I had done it. The stag- do was even more low key than mine – we couldn’t even find any line dancing clubs…… in fact at some points it got so boring people actually fell asleep at the bar.. We met many nice people including Gene Hackman who believe it or not is having an affair with a woman from Brighouse…small world….

    Almost exactly to the day, 2 months ago Martin stood up at this point in my wedding as MY best man and proceeded to call me and I paraphrase – ‘a short, tight fisted, philandering person of questionable parentage..’ and that was during the lighter parts. He also informed 60 people that he had had relations with my wife. He then went on to compare marriage to the low level flushing system, full of many things including suffering. Which was nice…..

    So now its my turn – as usual with Martin - what goes around comes around and usually costs his mates money. So true to my duties I checked out the official Best mans checklist, it goes as follows…..
    Point 1 - Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have overlooked… I stopped reading at this point…
    Umm – should I mention the bed wetting…… maybe later..

    Most of you know…its no secret that Martin has had a long love affair which spans almost 2 decades.– It started one night in the Golden Lion at Highroad Well and he has loved her ever since. He meets her most days of the week in different bars, he has been known to share her with his dad and his mates – sometime forcibly. She is very bubbly and has a beautiful golden body…she is down in the the bar as we speak….I would like to say this to her today – stand aside Stella – Martin has taken a wife today and will never have anything to do with you again...

    Now Martin hasn’t always been the arrogant multi–millionaire we see before us today, he did once drive a clapped out Nissan Micra, I say drive – he used to steer while his mates pushed. He has never had much luck with anything mechanical usually they were brought to me in a state of disrepair after he had tried to ‘fix’ them.

    Having said that he is the best friend any man could ask for –he always keeps you busy doing favours, he keeps you amused with his constant tales of the disasters which befall him…. he is always thirsty and when in the pub doesn’t know when to call it a day…..

    Now working as an accountant you may think Martin has lead a boring life – and you would be right…..… No only joking, there a many stories I could tell you – tales of virgin catholic girls, drug fuelled parties, brushes with death and the law ……… He told many of these stories in his speech at my wedding – there were a few he failed to mention …. With good reason….

    I got this joke on an email yesterday which I thought would be apt for today….

    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, ''Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'' The third fellow says, ''I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'' The first two guys were amazed! ''What happened then?'' they asked. ''She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'''


    As I was writing this speech, propped up at the bar last week at quarter to eleven .. I had got the first few lines down then I got writers block – or ****** as you might call it… Then suddenly I had a thought… Martin was out round town on another 3am jaunt checking he was ready for commitment, ie. He couldn’t pull anymore…For a bit of inspiration I’ll pop up to see Fay we’ll have a chat and see what comes up. So we had a chat and sure enough she invited me into the bedroom – look what I’ve got she said – Bingo - she had found 2 childhood photo albums… so at this point I was gonna whip out the projector and laptop and do a kind of This is his life Section but time was against me – and I couldn’t get my hands on a projector and a laptop……


    So a short This is your life minus multimedia ensues

    Martin Acer Hardcastle, Arrkie, Pike, Rigsby, there are so many things you could call this man ….

    Born sometime in February…
    Contrary to popular belief that he was born following the chance meeting of an East German hooker and an Ardvark his parents are in fact John and Linda although they sometimes finds this hard to believe….

    I was gonna show you photos of his bedroom when he lived at home – or Nazi HQ as we used to call it. There were many dodgy photos in these albums including one of me posing in Spain in my Speedo wearing days.. sadly you many of you may never get to see this… There were many photos of Martin when he was going through the various delusional stages of his life including the Don Johnson phase and the Rikki from Deacon Blue Phase. about the time of this phase when he was well into Taylor Dayne some of his so called friends tried to disown him – but I stood by him through all this as did he with me and the speedos thing….

    Martin has always been a keen sportmans throughout his life and never let his lack of ability dissuade him from attempting many sports including football and rugby league, indeed looking round here today I can see a few former team mates who he has let down over the years….

    Martin is a now smart, successful, interesting young man – at least that what he tells me…

    He is not afraid to make himself ‘at home’ when visiting friends and family. He once walked into the Lumb house, took Justins freshly cooked evening meal from the fridge, ate it, then sat back as Justin came home and discovered no one had made him any tea and went off to shout at his dad.

    I can only say all this about him today and get away with it because he is a true friend and he did the same to me on my wedding day….

    I remember when Martin first got together with Fay – He used to wow us down the pub us with tales of her Gymnastics and amazing feats of the body – As Simons eyes glazed over, I said you’ll marry her ….. too right I will he replied…

    Now a few sincere points…its sez here

    Fay now you are married and half of everything is yours– I’m sure he will tell where he keeps all the cash….let me know…..no really

    Martin and Fay truly are a wonderful couple who compliment each other perfectly. He says nice ass, she says nice tits…..

    I know they are each others worlds which now they have collided I hope will never spin apart.

    I’ll wrap up now and let you get on enjoying the wedding breakfast which Martin has modelled on his favourite meal of Heinz beans and sausages, 2 loaves of bread and as much Stella Artois as you can drink….

    So I’d now like you to be upstanding and raise your pint of Stella and toast the happy couple - Martin and World Hardcastle….
     
  7. lovemunkey187

    lovemunkey187
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  8. lovemunkey187

    lovemunkey187
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    I was bestman a couple of years ago and I nearly pooped my pants I was that nervous. I haven't got what you'd call a dark complexion at the best of times but on that day I was nearly transparent. The Bride and Groom just took one look at me and they weren't nervous anymore.

    BUt the speech went okay, if you're interested it went something like this:-
    I was really proud that Jon asked me to be Bestman today . In fact I've been so proud that I've mentioned it to a few people that I work with, I also told them that I was a little nervous about standing in front of all of you and speaking, To which I was given a sage old piece of advise "Imagine your audience naked" (pause and look around the room). Okay I've done that and now I'm really nervous.

    then I carried on for a little while longer, only another couple of minutes and it went well.

    I'm not a big drinker but on that day I couldn't get drunk (I tried) there was a pub across the road from the church so I had 2 pints in ther and then after the ceremony we went back to the hotel and the barman cracked the seal on a bottle of Catain Morgan rum and by the time it was time to do the speeches there was only about a third of the bottle left and I was still stone cold sober.
     
  9. Mr Cat

    Mr Cat
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    just get p*ssed before hand - you'll be fine, trust me...
     
  10. Solomon Grundy

    Solomon Grundy
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    to break the ice and settle my nerves i told the guests to bear with me because I was more nervous than a kid at a Michael Jackson sleepover...it was topical and received a big laugh and applause...
     
  11. PJTX100

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    From memory I did a search on google for best man's speeches, picked up quite a bit of good advice (much of which people are mentioning here) and some decent jokes...PJ :)
     
  12. kelvin

    kelvin
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    Thanks for the input, and advice so far guys - knew I could count on you lot :smashin:

    What does everyone think of the following:-

    "Good Afternoon everyone, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Kelvin and unfortunately for you all, I’m Rich’s Best Man today.

    Before I launch into my assassination of Rich’s character (only joking), I’d just like to take the opportunity to put to good use some advice that I picked up when preparing for this speech. It said “whatever you do; don’t forget to mention the bride!” Let’s be honest, how could I. Abi, you look beautiful, and [as Rich has already indicated], I know that you’ve made him the happiest man alive today. (That’s likely to be one of the few times I can say that without running the risk of a sarcastic reply, or being hit – Sorry Abi, you’ll just have to accept it today!). I'd also like to thank [Rich on behalf of] the bridesmaids [and for his words]. I think you’ll all agree that they’ve done a fantastic job today and look absolutely stunning.

    Finally, I’d like to thank everyone for coming along and celebrating Abi & Rich’s marriage today. I know how important it is to both of them to have their friends, and family around them as they begin their lives together. I hope you’ve all enjoyed today as much as I’m sure they have so far.

    When Rich asked me to be his Best Man today, I have to admit to being both delighted and terrified - those of you here that have been a Best Man before will have some idea of what it feels like to be standing here so if you can bear with me it would be appreciated… I won’t keep you for too long!

    I didn't know Rich until a he was 16, and so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his early life. He was an exceptionally gifted student at school, particularly excelling in maths, science, and languages. He left school to the great sadness of his teachers with the highest grades in the country. Clearly something truly terrible has happened along the way… Some of you look shocked… I’m sure he wouldn’t have lied?!

    [Pause]

    He and Abi complement each other well. Abi is ambitious, motivated and loves a good challenge – in that respect Rich is perfect (!). Their romance has blossomed at an alarming rate – and after just months they were at the stage where they could have “proper” rows. Having witnessed this, it’s obvious that Rich is the boss in the relationship... Abi’s just makes all the decisions.

    On a more serious note; in the few years I’ve known Rich we’ve had some excellent times together and I know that we’ll continue to do so in the future. You’re a great friend, and it’s a true honour to have been asked to be your best man. I hope I’ve lived up to your expectations. Something I’ve been told in the past is that you shouldn’t marry someone you can live with; but you should marry the person you can’t live without. This is so true of Abi & Rich - I can’t imagine one without the other and this wedding is a testament to that special something these two have for each other.
    Unfortunately, not everyone was able to be here today and so I do just quickly have a few messages I’d like to read out for Abi and Rich.

    [Messages]

    I’d like to close with a word of “advice” for Rich that I had emailed to me earlier on this week:-

    Advice: If the word “nothing” is uttered, this actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. The statement ‘Go ahead’ apparently means that at some point in the future you are going to be in mighty big trouble. The word ‘Fine’ is the word used to end an argument when women feel that they are right and that you need to shut up. Never use the word ‘Fine’ to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments. So Rich, if you hear the three words ‘nothing’, ‘go ahead’ and ‘fine’ within a couple of minutes of each other, remember you yourself have three words to fall back on, ‘yes’…‘dear’…’buy it!’

    I’d like you to join with me in raising your glasses in a toast to the Bride and Groom: “To health, and happiness. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last for ever”.

    Thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed preparing for, and giving it, then I’m very sorry!"

    Any thoughts?

    Kelvin.
     
  13. kelvin

    kelvin
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    :rolleyes:

    That bad?! :suicide:

    K.
     
  14. lovemunkey187

    lovemunkey187
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    I suppose we're the wrong people to ask as a few if not none of the other forumites know the Bride and Groom.

    If it's any consolation it did make me smile.

    Hope it goes well later.
     
  15. kelvin

    kelvin
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    Thanks :)

    I appreciate what you say - looking at it a bit more objectively it's easy to see how it might have been difficulkt to "rate it" considering the majority of it was fairly personal :)

    It actually went remarkably well - I had stacks of messages to read out from absent friends so that filled a bit of a hole time wise :) Raised more than enough laughs and I learnt virtually the entire thing in advance so it came across well too :smashin:

    All in all, a resounding success (even if I do say so myself!) although I have to admit to being more than a bit tired now... Time for some sleep I think!

    Thanks everyone for your input :)

    K.
     
  16. Solomon Grundy

    Solomon Grundy
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    Good work! It's a big relief once it's done...I have to be best man again in August, this time for my little brother so the ammo is already in place. Won't be as nervous this time!
     
  17. seany

    seany
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    Yean nice work fella,

    Everybody's on your side, because they'd all hate to be in your shoes. It's a tough task, the best mans is the hardest speach of them all. One of the best things i've ever done

    I'd not want to do it again in a hurry though:laugh:
     

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