Asked to be a sperm donor

[lucasisking]

One of my female friends text me last night and asked me, quite out of the blue, if I would 'ever be a sperm donor for a friend'. Knowing her as I do, I presume she is saying that she is trying for a baby with her boyfriend but he is infertile, and asking me to help.

Obviously I can't answer without more information, but the question has shocked me. I honestly don't know how I'd feel about knowingly donating sperm to someone I know (and thus being the child's biological father).

My head is spinning, frankly. How would you react to such a request?

 

[kav]

How would I react? Bom-chicka-waw-waw...

Seriously, that's a tough one. You have to contend with your own feelings on it, plus the formalities from a legal perspective, and then you have your kids to consider...do you mention it to them or not?

Might be worth drawing up an old-fashioned pros and cons list, but ultimately the decision will probably be weighted on emotion - at least I think it would for me. Could I handle knowing I have a child but not necessarily playing a part in that child's life? I'm not sure.

 

[alan280170]

I assume you are single? A tough one, if she's fit and willing well nothing ventured nothing gained.

Seriously, being anonymous donor's one thing but doing it will someone you know, that's a tough one.

Guess it's down to knowing your a father but will have nothing to do with the kid.

 

[stephenbarnes]

Giggity giggity.

Could she chase you up later on for child support? She could say you slept with her

 

[hippo99]

Yes, you need to think through the practicalities as well. As you know her, & presumably will see her & the child often throughout it's life.

How will you feel if say you didn't like how she was bringing up the child, didn't like the school they'd picked for them etc. Would you feel happy sitting by the sidelines?

Also how will it affect your friendship with your friend? Say if she felt, you were getting a bit too involved with the child, & she started distancing herself from you or if she moved away? How would you feel? Could effectively ruin your friendship.

Lots of things to think through. Personally, I don't think I could do it.

 

[MrSossidge]

It depends on the delivery method.

Turkey baster - no
Traditional delivery - ok

 

[Lion]

'ever be a sperm donor for a friend'
translation:
'I want to have your babies'
run !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lucasisking]

I could be jumping the gun, but I can't think what else she could mean.

'Providing the goods' won't be a problem, but I can't shake the idea that I would be contributing 50% of my genetics to a child I'd have no hand in raising. And as Kav says, could I ever mention it to my own kids?

I am single (although dating someone) but I do have a sort-of history with the woman, although I didn't take things further as I didn't feel the same way she did. I slept with her couple of times. She has admitted she still fancies me even though she's in a committed relationship (this too is a cause for concern: is she ready to have kids with this man?) and I don't really see her that often. If she's going shopping for sperm, I guess I'm not a bad candidate genetically .

Seriously though she is already a good mother to her first child so not concerned about that. It's just a psychological thing for me.

 

[Oxygen Thief]

No, No and thrice No. You would have to be barking mad to do this.

Do you want the CSA chasing you ?? .. because thats what will happen. Their role in life is to get "absent" fathers to support their children, and this will be your child so you will be just another wallet to be emptied for them. You could end up paying for a child you will in all probability not have anything to do with. And even if you do the mother can break whatever access agreement thats in place, trust me on that. Just google "sperm donor child maintenance" .. they all thought they were helping someone too.

EDIT .. Just read the above post, you should be leaving a set of dust trails in your wake as you put distance between you and this woman. She sounds a bit radio rental to be honest.

 

[hippo99]

I could be jumping the gun, but I can't think what else she could mean.

'Providing the goods' won't be a problem, but I can't shake the idea that I would be contributing 50% of my genetics to a child I'd have no hand in raising. And as Kav says, could I ever mention it to my own kids?

I am single (although dating someone) but I do have a sort-of history with the woman, although I didn't take things further as I didn't feel the same way she did. I slept with her couple of times. She has admitted she still fancies me even though she's in a committed relationship (this too is a cause for concern: is she ready to have kids with this man?) and I don't really see her that often. If she's going shopping for sperm, I guess I'm not a bad candidate genetically .

Seriously though she is already a good mother to her first child so not concerned about that. It's just a psychological thing for me.

Time for some professional advice mate
Professional guidance

 

[johntheexpat]

I could be jumping the gun,.

I think its not the gun you will be jumping!

Do you want children with this woman or 'her friend'?

The child will be yours for the rest of your life.

 

[lucasisking]

I'm taking on board everything you guys are saying...

I forsee problems for her too- it could cause a rift between her and her bf which would be bad for all three of them.

 

[PSM1]

Taking the specifics of this case out of it and the possible legalities around child maintenance etc the big issue as I see it is your ability to be able to disassociate yourself from the child as being your. There is a big difference between being a 'father' and being a person who contributed genetics. If you are just donating sperm then you are not the father of the child nor should you have any say in their upbringing (assumniog perfect world with none of the child maintenance issue). What you have done (assuming the other male is infertile) is allow another couple to have a child that they can love and raise. Now some people will be able to diassociate themselves that way but others will not. If you would be prepared to donate to say a sperm bank then what is the difference emotionally from donating to a friend. In both cases there will potentially be children out there with your genetics, it is just in one case you will never know about it while the other you will more obvious. If the legal side could be sorted so that I could never get chased for child maintenance etc. then I would have no issue donating to a friend and would have no problem letting them raise the child how ever they felt fit with no say from myself.

 

[Egg White]

I could be jumping the gun, but I can't think what else she could mean.

'Providing the goods' won't be a problem, but I can't shake the idea that I would be contributing 50% of my genetics to a child I'd have no hand in raising. And as Kav says, could I ever mention it to my own kids?

I am single (although dating someone) but I do have a sort-of history with the woman, although I didn't take things further as I didn't feel the same way she did. I slept with her couple of times. She has admitted she still fancies me even though she's in a committed relationship (this too is a cause for concern: is she ready to have kids with this man?) and I don't really see her that often. If she's going shopping for sperm, I guess I'm not a bad candidate genetically .

Seriously though she is already a good mother to her first child so not concerned about that. It's just a psychological thing for me.

yes, given this information - I doubt she wants the sperm in a jar...

sounds like she at least wants a shag from you...

 

[IronGiant]

If I were you:
If this involves an Infertility Clinic so it is all legal and above board then I would consider it so long as you are happy with the ramifications of it being, but not legally being your child.
If this is DIY on a budget, no matter how the actual act is performed I would have nothing to do with it.

 

[Ste7en]

I wouldn't do it. Think about how you feel about it now and imagine seeing the child in the future.

I'd steer well clear and consider the friendship over.

 

[reevesy]

madder than a bag of mad things if you yes.

 

[RBZ5416]

It could end one of two ways: badly or very, very badly.

 

[Duncan G]

http://www.theguardian.com/money/2012/oct/26/gay-sperm-donor-pay-child-support-maintenance:lesson:

 

[Monty Nine]

No way.

But you have to hand it to her for asking.

 

[Oxygen Thief]

It could end one of two ways: badly or very, very badly.

Or very very very very badly .. Be on the Show | Jeremy Kyle

 

[Bill Hicks]

So you had a previous 'relationship' with this woman and you ended it. Now she has a partner who is infertile so she wants you to father her child. Sounds a lot like a trap to me. If I were you I'd politely decline the request as I feel she may want to use this to get you back. but you know her better than anyone here. Is she capable of doing that? If you did 'oblige' her but refused to rekindle your old relationship, would she use the situation as a weapon?
Already know you which you need

 

[HouseTonyStark]

having weighed the situation objectively, and after much ethical and emotional deliberation, i can thusly conclude the following:

But in all seriousness, my decision would probably depend upon the bureaucracy involved. the more the better in this one case

 

[hippo99]

If this is DIY on a budget, no matter how the actual act is performed I would have nothing to do with it.

DIY is ok. Just insist on wearing a condom

 

[rousetafarian]

For the love of God, if you do donate get a Solicitor to draw up some papers beforehand, at your expense not the future mother.

Or B) Run the like wind.

Which reminds of me of an episode of Jeremy Kyle I saw recently (on garden leave, before you start ). A daughter offered to be the surrogate for her mother and step-father.

So she became pregnant (artificially I assume, but you never know with this crowd) and then decided at 6 months she had bonded with the unborn baby, was keeping it and proceeded to demand CSA payments from her Step-father and Mother.......no legal recourse as no contract was agreed in writing by the solicitors.....

Just saying.