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Another joke thread- There were these two..

maxwell

Distinguished Member
So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog 🐶
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog 🤔 Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
 

IronGiant

Moderator
Unless I'm missing something, this is the joke thread, so there are no points, only punch lines :)

Or should that be pooch lines? ;)
 

IronGiant

Moderator
Since it was diet joke I nearly said paunch lines ;)
 

maxwell

Distinguished Member
The Mrs was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.
As I walked in, still half asleep she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me right now!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, am I still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her one over the kitchen table.
Afterwards she just said, “Thanks love,” and returned to the stove.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about then ?

“The egg timer’s broken." she replied.
 

Robothamster

Distinguished Member
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
 

Robothamster

Distinguished Member
I was gonna post a joke on here about sodium but then I was like Na, no one would get it.
 

MrFraggle

Distinguished Member
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," the husband said.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
 

mikes48

Well-known Member
I was gonna post a joke on here about sodium but then I was like Na, no one would get it.
Similarly, at my school in the early '60s, when everyone was referred to by their surname, with initials tacked on behind, there was a boy named Smith, with initials NH. Fine.

Another boy later joined the school, also called Smith, also NH. Problem, duplicate name.

Henceforth the elder was called Smith NH1 and the younger was Smith NH2.

After that the whole school waited anxiously for a third Smith NH to come along, so that we could call him - wait for it - Ammonia.

(note to @HaRd2BeAr - see me after school ;) )
 

Doug the D

Distinguished Member
Another one that’s stolen my dad joke book. :) But don’t worry I have another
My daughter got me a dad joke calendar for Christmas. Today's offering is particularly good:

Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business? They hit rock bottom...
 

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