Another joke thread- There were these two..

I said to Dennis my midget neighbour “hop in I will give you a lift”

“Get stuffed” he replied

“Whats up with you you miserable goat” I asked

“Get stuffed” he replied again

With that I thought ‘sod him then’ and zipped my backpack up and carried on walking.
 
Just been down A&E, my mate bet me I couldn't swallow a handful of lego. Doctors said I should be fine and nothing to worry about, but to be honest I'm shittin' bricks.
 
In Antigua and Barbuda, a steak pie is $2.69
In Aruba, a steak pie is $2.39
In the Bahamas a steak pie is $2.99
In Cayman a steak pie is $2.39

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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Anybody else been watching the Origami Channel recently? I know it’s paper view but it’s well worth the money
 
Their poker team was terrible - they just kept folding
 
Just walked past the local mosque and there's loads of shoes outside. I'm sure there's a bouncy castle in there.
 
Patient, "Doctor I think I'm a dog"
Doctor, "How long have you been feeling like that?"
Patient, "Ever since I was a pup"
 
My best mate is the best pranker ever. Every time i come home early he is always hiding naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks in without the wife even knowing is beyond me. Legend
 
"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It's at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
I remember when I went with two Thai girls and thought I'd won the lottery.

When we got undressed there was six matching balls.
 
Shakespeare walks into a pub, the landlord shouts "How many times do I have to tell you?? You're Bard!!!"



I had to get that out of my system, was in Stratford upon avon yesterday, and when I recalled it I thought it was funny at the time. :confused:
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

Watson Replies " Ah the stars, the planets, the cosmos, the universe, what a wonderfull sight !"

Holmes replies: Watson, no you idiot. Somebody stole our tent.
 
I prefer the version where Watson actually deduces things :)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
 
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:)
I prefer the version where Watson actually deduces things

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
I kept it short as Football was on:)
 

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