Am I the only one who has little interest in settling down?

leamspaceman

Distinguished Member
Sounds like some members on here might be compatible...?

AVF dating thread with a 'Problem/Disputed relationships' thread should the relationships not work out. Mods can then intervene. Also a feedback system for overall satisfaction :D
 

Judge Mental

Well-known Member
Better to be healthy alone than sick together. There’s nothing in life as wonderful as a loving relationship but nothing that drains the joy from life more than a bad one. I’d take single and happy any time. But maybe that’s because I’m happily married after having an abusive and toxic relationship in the past. Compatibility is the key. You really need to share some fundamental values and a similar vision for how you’d like your future to unfold. A shared approach to the handling of money helps avoid lots of arguments. You do need a certain amount of tolerance because even the most lovely partner can irritate the life out of you some days.
 

Xenomorph

Member
I was surprised to hear about Bill and Melinda Gates divorce, after 27 years marriage and 3 kids.
Obviously we don't know the circumstances, but I find it a bit sad that two people have invested many years of their lives into a relationship, for it to break down.
Many reasons possible, but any coincidence that their youngest has now turned 18. Wonder if they were sticking together for the kids?

 

Tempest

Distinguished Member
Without wishing to appear sexist as I feel I'm only stating the hard truth here.
It's vastly more easy for a female to act in this manner than a male, as it is for a female at pretty much any point in her life.
For a elderly? guy who wishes to find someone special at any point in his life, it could be an extremely hard and long task to ever find someone to be with.
For a female it's always going to be...Hmmmm, which one of the men do I wish to pick from the vast array that are always looking for a lady.
 

Autumn Rain

Well-known Member
I just went to visit my grandmother and she asked me, as she so often does, if I was "courting". That always makes me smile, it sounds so quaint.
 

Sue Donym

Active Member
I was surprised to hear about Bill and Melinda Gates divorce, after 27 years marriage and 3 kids.
Obviously we don't know the circumstances, but I find it a bit sad that two people have invested many years of their lives into a relationship, for it to break down.
Many reasons possible, but any coincidence that their youngest has now turned 18. Wonder if they were sticking together for the kids?

I’d say that a point of reflection occurs. As in one or both of a couple realise that it was the child or children that were holding their marriage together for a period of time (maybe longer than they care to admit). One or both parties think “Sod this, I’m out of this marriage”.
 

FavouredAntelope

Well-known Member
Without wishing to appear sexist as I feel I'm only stating the hard truth here.
It's vastly more easy for a female to act in this manner than a male, as it is for a female at pretty much any point in her life.
For a elderly? guy who wishes to find someone special at any point in his life, it could be an extremely hard and long task to ever find someone to be with.
For a female it's always going to be...Hmmmm, which one of the men do I wish to pick from the vast array that are always looking for a lady.
Not necessarily. Women over 45 often say they feel pretty invisible as all the freshly divorced middle aged men have it in their heads they will get a 28-year-old girlfriend! I think there are different challenges to dating in both cases.
 

Xenomorph

Member
I’d say that a point of reflection occurs. As in one or both of a couple realise that it was the child or children that were holding their marriage together for a period of time (maybe longer than they care to admit). One or both parties think “Sod this, I’m out of this marriage”.

Could be. I think I'd just go progressively insane if I was on my own. However annoying my family can be at times, I'm much happier living together.
It would have to be one hell of a good reason to chuck that away for me anyway.
 

leamspaceman

Distinguished Member
I was surprised to hear about Bill and Melinda Gates divorce, after 27 years marriage and 3 kids.
Obviously we don't know the circumstances, but I find it a bit sad that two people have invested many years of their lives into a relationship, for it to break down.
Many reasons possible, but any coincidence that their youngest has now turned 18. Wonder if they were sticking together for the kids?

Thing is, he'll still be able to see where Melinda is all the time after her chip gets implanted via her Covid jab.
 

Autumn Rain

Well-known Member
Without wishing to appear sexist as I feel I'm only stating the hard truth here.
It's vastly more easy for a female to act in this manner than a male, as it is for a female at pretty much any point in her life.
For a elderly? guy who wishes to find someone special at any point in his life, it could be an extremely hard and long task to ever find someone to be with.
For a female it's always going to be...Hmmmm, which one of the men do I wish to pick from the vast array that are always looking for a lady.
I think there is generally a societal expectation that men have to be the ones who initiate contact with a potential date/romantic interest. Even if a woman isn't particularly looking for a relationship she will presumably be more likely to end up in one anyway than a man would be. As a man if you are not making some effort to "put yourself out there" as it were, your chances of getting together with someone are pretty small. Whereas a woman and especially an attractive woman, would be getting offers without evening trying. At least, that's the impression I get.

ETA - I'm talking in relation to my own age group or younger here.
 

dmpzsn

Distinguished Member
I’d say that a point of reflection occurs. As in one or both of a couple realise that it was the child or children that were holding their marriage together for a period of time (maybe longer than they care to admit). One or both parties think “Sod this, I’m out of this marriage”.
We're the opposite, we grew closer when our last daughter left.

The oldest daughter and I didn't get on and that put a lot of strain on our marriage, things were a lot easier when she left home, not kicked out. She and I do talk now and get on a lot better as she's grown up and made her own life, I even walked her down the path on her wedding day. (She got married at a tithe barn that had been licenced for marriages).
 

Plumsandpearls

Well-known Member
BBC News - Under-18 marriages 'thriving' in UK and should be banned, say charities

On a similar theme.
I'd not really thought about how crazy it is that you can get married at 16- its incredibly young. You're (in theory) still in school- why on earth would you want to be married, and why would a parent let it happen ?
 

Xenomorph

Member
We're the opposite, we grew closer when our last daughter left.

The oldest daughter and I didn't get on and that put a lot of strain on our marriage, things were a lot easier when she left home, not kicked out. She and I do talk now and get on a lot better as she's grown up and made her own life, I even walked her down the path on her wedding day. (She got married at a tithe barn that had been licenced for marriages).

That's good to hear. I think it's common for a parent/child relationship to improve once they've left and got their own life. Certainly was the case for me and my Dad, and gives me some hope for my daughter, who let's just say has some problems which cause tension sometimes.
I think kids can put strain on a marriage, and it's not something you hear much discussion about.
 

FavouredAntelope

Well-known Member
BBC News - Under-18 marriages 'thriving' in UK and should be banned, say charities

On a similar theme.
I'd not really thought about how crazy it is that you can get married at 16- its incredibly young. You're (in theory) still in school- why on earth would you want to be married, and why would a parent let it happen ?
I think in many of these cases there is serious abuse going on and it something closer to forced marriage. Just horrible.

As for the consensual relationships between 16-year-olds I think it can be really hard to look beyond the limits of your world, whatever it is at the time. I was actually listening to one of my younger relatives (17) talking about their boyfriend and planning their future together, including how they are going to do long distance at uni, and had to fight every urge to play the cynical old man who knows better. I know that would have just made her defensive.

Not to say it never works but one thing is for sure: you will both change unrecognisably over the next decade or more, and the odds of you doing so and remaining right for each other are very slim. It is almost always better to allow yourself space to grow and experience more of the world before planning a life with someone. I think most people do learn this lesson eventually - you just hope it happens when the pain is manageable.
 

Plumsandpearls

Well-known Member
I think in many of these cases there is serious abuse going on and it something closer to forced marriage. Just horrible.

As for the consensual relationships between 16-year-olds I think it can be really hard to look beyond the limits of your world, whatever it is at the time. I was actually listening to one of my younger relatives (17) talking about their boyfriend and planning their future together, including how they are going to do long distance at uni, and had to fight every urge to play the cynical old man who knows better.

Not to say it never works but one thing is for sure: you will both change unrecognisably over the next decade or more, and the odds of you doing so and remaining right for each other are very slim. It is almost always better to allow yourself space to grow and experience more of the world before planning a life with someone. I think most people do learn this lesson eventually - you just hope it happens when the pain is manageable.
Thinking back to my school days I just can't imagine any of the boys announcing they were getting married. It's just a bizarre idea to me.
 

87gpk

Well-known Member
I think the amount of different responses to this topic just goes to show how different all people are and therefore there's no 'right or wrong' way of doing things and no one should worry about their own situation when comparing to others.

Be happy in how you are, obviously if you want to attain or strive for something else in your personal life it's more difficult. Don't ever let something you haven't got be the focus of your personal life though, perhaps also when the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I've been single for 5 years roughly after my last gf. It's a strange feeling to experience all the butterflies and emotions and excitement you would normally associate with being a teenager than when you're in your 30's but that's how I felt. Having gone from giddiness when meeting up with them to joyousness spending time with them, I can appreciate how it feels to be like that then also sad when they realised they liked someone else more than you.

It's all in the background though now, it's unlikely to happen again unless I smarten myself up a bit and get out of this mindset I'm in but at the same time I'm not worrying about it.
 
D

Deleted member 897717

Guest
Thinking back to my school days I just can't imagine any of the boys announcing they were getting married. It's just a bizarre idea to me.


The fact the numbers indicate roughly 3 times as many girls are marrying below the age of 18 compared to boys tells you they are not 16/17 year olds marrying each other.

So what is the age of the husbands all these young girls are marrying and are we sure those girls are fully consenting?

(Rhetorical question)
 

Autumn Rain

Well-known Member
BBC News - Under-18 marriages 'thriving' in UK and should be banned, say charities

On a similar theme.
I'd not really thought about how crazy it is that you can get married at 16- its incredibly young. You're (in theory) still in school- why on earth would you want to be married, and why would a parent let it happen ?
If I had kids there is no way I would allow them to marry at 16. I would want them to live a bit before they even thought about getting serious with anyone.
 

FavouredAntelope

Well-known Member
I think there is generally a societal expectation that men have to be the ones who initiate contact with a potential date/romantic interest. Even if a woman isn't particularly looking for a relationship she will presumably be more likely to end up in one anyway than a man would be. As a man if you are not making some effort to "put yourself out there" as it were, your chances of getting together with someone are pretty small. Whereas a woman and especially an attractive woman, would be getting offers without evening trying. At least, that's the impression I get.

ETA - I'm talking in relation to my own age group or younger here.
Oh no you are right here. There are a lot of challenges for women I didn't appreciate when I was younger, but there is no doubt it is a tough old game for men. I know when I was in my 20s I used to think women had an incredibly charmed life when it came to the opposite sex. Even fairly normal looking women would get asked out regularly and if they so wanted they could walk into a random bar and go home with someone within an hour. For most men, short of the wealthy and famous, this is totally unimaginable.

As I said, the reality is a lot more complicated than that (not least because so much of the attention women get is unwanted and threatening rather than flattering) but that doesn't change the fact dating can be a pretty harsh world for men. If you lack confidence and fear rejection you are going to have a hard time of it.
 

IronGiant

Moderator
If I had kids there is no way I would allow them to marry at 16. I would want them to live a bit before they even thought about getting serious with anyone.
Back in the days when "men" were going down the mine at or before 16 and contraception wasn't in common usage I can see why people were getting married early, but we've moved on since then.
 

tiacat

Member
BBC News - Under-18 marriages 'thriving' in UK and should be banned, say charities

On a similar theme.
I'd not really thought about how crazy it is that you can get married at 16- its incredibly young. You're (in theory) still in school- why on earth would you want to be married, and why would a parent let it happen ?
Its very difficult because if you ban it, they end up being sent abroad to marry anyway in a religious ceremony and then marry legally here when they reach the right age.
 

The Dark Horse

Well-known Member
Another thing that has got me thinking is looking at my family. Parents, grandparents, aunty's, uncles have all done it the "proper" way, got married had the kids and stayed with eachother even though all of them are at best indifferent with eachother and at worst hate eachother, honestly have no clue how my parents got together in the first place let alone have survived three decades together, they both genuinely dispise the sight of the other. There's not a single divorce in my immediate family and I genuinely believe we're a worse off family for it.

I also see similar examples of 'settling' or trying to with my friends, some have even admited they don't truly love their partner and a lot act no different to standard mates around each other in public. I feel there's so much society pressure these days that it's seen as socially unacceptable to be single above around 25 and to not have kids soon after.

That's not to say that this is the case with the majority of couples, ofcourse they'll be many who are madly in love and happy and that's brilliant, but I guess the point I'm trying to say is I feel there's so many couples that are together and not in love, and for me I'd genuinely prefer a lifetime alone than to be in that situation.

I think these setups are quite common. How many people reading this, who are in long term relationships, can hand on heart say they are still madly in love with their partner? Some of course but the majority? Lots of people settle and lots get stuck in situations they can't get out of easily, maybe because they have a mortgage, kids or some other sort of tie. I certainly know several people, male and female, that were/are in long term relationships and aren't happy so they either cheat, lead separate lives or live a pretty lonely and unhappy existence and just go through the motions every day. People change over the years too, their outlook on life, their health, their looks, their life goals etc, sometimes that brings people closer together but often it puts strains on relationships and people grow apart.
 
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Trollslayer

Distinguished Member
And there we have the hypocrisy of the Conservatives.
 

mjn

Distinguished Member
And there we have the hypocrisy of the Conservatives.
Oh please. I bet a lot of the people criticising Hancock about breaking the rules, were breaking the rules themselves!

Right now, I can’t think of one person i know following all the rules.
 

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