• New Patreon Tier and Early Access Content available. If you would like to support AVForums, we now have a new Patreon Tier which gives you access to selected news, reviews and articles before they are available to the public. Read more.

Alcohol problems...... what to do?

liamt

Distinguished Member
OK, this is going to be hard for me but i need to get some help and answers and not sure where else to turn. I apologise if this post isn’t coherent but i didn’t get much sleep last night stressing.

I got phone call from my wife’s mother at 4pm yesterday asking if i could come home early, she wouldn’t say why but that i was needed at home

I got home to find my wife drunk as a skunk. Apparently she has been drinking half a bottle of rum a day for the last year (since our son was born). Yesterday she had drunk a full bottle of rum and was in a mess.

I knew she has had issues in the past but i thought that was behind her. She is a ‘functioning’ drunk in that she can drink a half bottle and you cant even tell. My son is always well looked after though, apart from yesterday, which must be why she called her mum as she knew she wasn’t in a fit state

She had called her mum and admitted she has an issue. We went to the drs last night and they told her to refer herself to the Adaction centre in town. I guess she has done the right thing in admitting there is a problem and looking for help.

She has been very sneaky, taking money from my wallet and hiding rum around the house. She must also have blown around £3k on booze this year, which is the amount we are overdrawn. I have cut down on everything to try and cut down this overdraft (no sky sports, no new clothes, shopping at aldi, cancelled tesco dvd rental and not buying movies any more etc) but we were still struggling. Now i know why!!!

Im not sure what to do. I will stick with her and help her clean herself up but if i cant see her trying i will have to throw her out and bring up my son on my own. I don’t want to do this as frankly i don’t think i could cope with working 8am – 5pm and bringing him up by myself. Especially with him getting up for feeds 3x a night, but at the end of the day he is my special little man and he comes first. He stayed at the wife’s mum and dad’s last night so we could sort out as much as possible. They have been great and offered any support i might need (i get on very well with them). I cannot tell my parents as they will never forgive her. My family is very mentally strong so they wouldn’t be able to understand or sympathise with her and would just think of her as a bad mum. Plus my mum is stressed out enough with my Parkinsons suffering dad who is rapidly deteriorating.

Im worried that social services might get involved. I guess they wont as heroine addicts don’t usually have their kids removed but the thought of losing my son scares the **** out of me.

Anyone got any advice on where to go next? I have taken her bank card from her and removed most of the booze from the house, bar 1 bottle of wine as the dr said she needs to wean herself off and i will allow her 1 glass of wine a day until she gets clean. I don’t mind not having booze in the house as i don’t really drink anyway so it wont bother me not having any around.

Thanks for any suggestions and please guys, no trolling, i don’t have the energy for it today. :thumbsup:
 

RMCF

Distinguished Member
Sad story, and I really feel for you.

I think your partner needs to get herself to AA, and admit she has a problem and try to get sorted. Your child deserves it. You say she has already admitted she has an issue, so I am sure she wants help and to be 'better'.

I know of some cases over the years where alcohol destroyed families and businesses. Try to get this addressed asap.

I wish you all the best.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
Sad story, and I really feel for you.

I think your partner needs to get herself to AA, and admit she has a problem and try to get sorted. Your child deserves it. You say she has already admitted she has an issue, so I am sure she wants help and to be 'better'.

I know of some cases over the years where alcohol destroyed families and businesses. Try to get this addressed asap.

I wish you all the best.

cheers mate. Adaction is the local charity (i think its a charity or some scheme with local NHS) to help with alcohol. Hopefully they will be able to point us in the right direction and offer some support/guidance etc.
 

kav

Distinguished Member
Every circumstance is different so you might not see your wife in any of what I'm writing, but I have seen a very similar situation up close and here's my view: Alcoholism is an incredibly destructive thing, you need to prepare yourself to be cruel to your wife in order to help her long term. (By cruel I mean preventing her from boozing, which she will view as cruel.) If she is anything like the person I know who has gone through it, she will try every scheme in the book, from emotional blackmail through to actual blackmail, to help feed her addiction. There will also probably come a time when she claims to be clean but unfortunately you will not be able to trust her until she demonstrates this day in, day out.

The biggest thing is, she has to be willing to want to fix this - if she's still at the stage where she can't even admit she has a problem, there's no point even trying to progress to treating her. She may well relapse, again and again, until she hits a certain point when she realises that she's got next to nothing left. As hard as it will be, you need to be supportive while also being unable to trust her as far as you can throw her. It might not feel right but you may have to use your child as an incentive for her to get better. Good luck.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
Every circumstance is different so you might not see your wife in any of what I'm writing, but I have seen a very similar situation up close and here's my view: Alcoholism is an incredibly destructive thing, you need to prepare yourself to be cruel to your wife in order to help her long term. (By cruel I mean preventing her from boozing, which she will view as cruel.) If she is anything like the person I know who has gone through it, she will try every scheme in the book, from emotional blackmail through to actual blackmail, to help feed her addiction. There will also probably come a time when she claims to be clean but unfortunately you will not be able to trust her until she demonstrates this day in, day out.

The biggest thing is, she has to be willing to want to fix this - if she's still at the stage where she can't even admit she has a problem, there's no point even trying to progress to treating her. She may well relapse, again and again, until she hits a certain point when she realises that she's got next to nothing left. As hard as it will be, you need to be supportive while also being unable to trust her as far as you can throw her. It might not feel right but you may have to use your child as an incentive for her to get better. Good luck.

cheers mate.

last time i knew she was drinking i told her i would throw her out if she didnt stop. and i thought she had.

all she really has is me, my son and her family so she doesnt want to lose us. she thinks the world of our son so i guess he is the biggest weapon in my arsenal. i will help her as much as i can but if i see him suffering that will be the last straw and she will be out.

im not sure where i would stand but i guess her being an alcoholic would mean i would easily get custody and without her spending all the cash i earn i could afford childcare (or even a sexy Aupair lol). the house is in my name and it was bought using funds from my old house and my savings (she hasnt put a penny in)

i am prepared to be as cruel as i need to be to help her. i certainly wont trust her for a while. i told her she will have to re-earn my trust as she has badly let me down. God knows how long it will take me to repay that £3k now! grrr

Im still not sure if she even understands she can never drink again once she is clean. i certainly will not trust her going out by herself, which isnt much of an issue as we never go out any more.

bloody booze. the amount of lives i know that have been wrecked by the stuff is staggering.
 

fizl

Well-known Member
I would advise a few things -

Please get some proper advice on withdrawing from alcohol. With the volumes being drunk you may not be able to get away with 1 glass of wine a day straight away

See if she would be willing to talk to someone about her feelings post the birth of the child. Not diagnosing but Post Natal depression can potentially take her back several steps in her progression with the alcohol issues

Shaz
 

RMCF

Distinguished Member
Yeah booze is often overlooked in the UK and Ireland as an acceptable sort of fondness to have. Drugs get all the bad press but alcohol destroys more peoples lives than drugs by a long way.

I remember hearing a recovered alcoholic on the radio recently saying that outsiders will never cure an alcoholic, no matter how close they are to the person. The alcoholic themselves have to want to get better. If they don't, they will never beat it.

Is there an underlying issue that may be causing the drink problem? Depression, money worries, health problems, abusive past? Or has your OH a history of drinking? Perhaps counselling to solve other issues may be needed too?
 

ProphetRNG

Well-known Member
You definitely need professional help. You need to resolve the issues that led to her drinking rather than concentrate on the drink itself.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
I would advise a few things -

Please get some proper advice on withdrawing from alcohol. With the volumes being drunk you may not be able to get away with 1 glass of wine a day straight away

See if she would be willing to talk to someone about her feelings post the birth of the child. Not diagnosing but Post Natal depression can potentially take her back several steps in her progression with the alcohol issues

Shaz

she was drinking before getting pregnant but stopped whilst pregnant. she did have some PND but i think that was mainly due to the lack of sleep for the first week or so. of course i dont actually know when she started drinking again.

hopefully adaction will be able to tell her how much she can take whilst being weened off. some days she didnt drink. for example i dont work fridays (3 day weekend!) and i was around all day and she didnt, nor the rest of the weekend unless she was sneaking it, which might have happened.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
You definitely need professional help. You need to resolve the issues that led to her drinking rather than concentrate on the drink itself.

yeah, hopefully she will get the appointment today... she called last night but they were closed. they were supposed to ring back but im not sure if they have (im at work at the moment being very productive ;))

her family does have a history of depression. her, her mum, her dad and brother all have it.
 

Ian J

Banned
I will stick with her and help her clean herself up but if i cant see her trying i will have to throw her out and bring up my son on my own. I don’t want to do this as frankly i don’t think i could cope with working 8am – 5pm and bringing him up by myself.

Whatever happened to "for better or for worse" Having found out 12 hours ago that your wife has a drink problem you are now saying that you don't want to throw her out as you might not be able to cope with raising your son on your own.

You don't mention at all that you love your wife and make your relationship sound more like one of convenience. If you do love her then she needs your support right now and if you're actively threatening her then it's unlikely to have the desired effect so try and be more positive and understanding
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
Yeah booze is often overlooked in the UK and Ireland as an acceptable sort of fondness to have. Drugs get all the bad press but alcohol destroys more peoples lives than drugs by a long way.

I remember hearing a recovered alcoholic on the radio recently saying that outsiders will never cure an alcoholic, no matter how close they are to the person. The alcoholic themselves have to want to get better. If they don't, they will never beat it.

Is there an underlying issue that may be causing the drink problem? Depression, money worries, health problems, abusive past? Or has your OH a history of drinking? Perhaps counselling to solve other issues may be needed too?

yeah. i smoke the occasional joint and im a baddie in the eyes of the law lol. hypocrisy at work in government, what a shock :facepalm:

we do have some money issues, but mainly due to the booze and a small overspend on house renovations. plus i guess we now dont have her salary coming in so things are tighter than they used to be.

she has tried councelling in the past but because she smoked weed they wouldnt help her as they said she needed to stop smoking it first. :facepalm:

not sure ive ever known of pot causing depression, especially as she has had it for years before she started smoking. seemed to me like she was being fobbed off. hopefully adaction can help with that or point her to a more sympathetic therapist.

she has a great past to be honest. nothing too bad at all. her mum was abused as a kid and had a breakdown when my wife was a teenager, which i guess took its toll but her parents are great.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
Whatever happened to "for better or for worse" Having found out 12 hours ago that your wife has a drink problem you are now saying that you don't want to throw her out as you might not be able to cope with raising your son on your own.

You don't mention at all that you love your wife and make your relationship sound more like one of convenience. If you do love her then she needs your support right now and if you're actively threatening her then it's unlikely to have the desired effect so try and be more positive and understanding

i guess. as i say i will stick by her unless she decides not to help herself. she has to help herself and want the help. at the end of the day i need to think of my son first as he is the innocent party. it would certainly be a struggle without her and that is the last resort. i wouldnt like my son to be brought up by a single parent, that has to be the last course of action.

i feel very let down by her if im honest. i provide a nice house, decent standard of living and i dont go out drinking with mates etc. i also help out around the house and am a very good dad. i must admit im not even sure i love her any more. it hasnt been a very good first 2 years of marriage if im honest.

its not just the last 12 hours. a few months ago we had a big discussion about it when i found she was drinking again and i threatened to throw her out unless she cleaned herself up. (mainly thinking it would scare her into doing it) i didnt realise at the time how bad it was or the fact it was obviously still ongoing all this time later, maybe i just didnt realise how addicted she really was. im a very mentally strong person and i have had a much harder life than her so maybe i dont really understand her weakness, if you get me.
 

Chox1988

Distinguished Member
maybe for the short term she should consider moving in with her parents until help has been sought, especially if theres someone in their house during the day- assuming youre at work during the day

Other than that i feel for you, sad situation :(
 

Ian J

Banned
a few months ago we had a big discussion about it when i found she was drinking again and i threatened to throw her out unless she cleaned herself up. (mainly thinking it would scare her into doing it) i didnt realise at the time how bad it was or the fact it was obviously still ongoing all this time later, maybe i just didnt realise how addicted she really was. im a very mentally strong person and i have had a much harder life than her so maybe i dont really understand her weakness, if you get me.

I don't think that threats are the right approach as it could just drive her to drink even more and I think that you may see better results if you only exude supportiveness.

I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice on how to cope with alcohol problems as I have no direct experience but wish you luck as I know that the next few weeks and months will be tough
 

Trollslayer

Distinguished Member
She has taken the most important step - admitting she has a problem.
This will always be with her but there are others who have been through this who can help and often someone like her can gain strength by later helping others in turn.
I would never judge someone in this position because I have been close to the edge myself but been able to get back with help. It can and does happen.
It may be a long time before she can really understand how and why this happened and that waiting will be difficult for you.
You will be going through a lot, especially at the moment, so please remember that you are adapting to an extremely difficult situation as well and if you can talk to the parteners and relaatives of those with alcahol problems then you will also be able to move on. you are not alone.

Both of you take care. :love:
 

ProphetRNG

Well-known Member
yeah, hopefully she will get the appointment today... she called last night but they were closed. they were supposed to ring back but im not sure if they have (im at work at the moment being very productive ;))

her family does have a history of depression. her, her mum, her dad and brother all have it.

Bipolar?
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
I don't think that threats are the right approach as it could just drive her to drink even more and I think that you may see better results if you only exude supportiveness.

I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice on how to cope with alcohol problems as I have no direct experience but wish you luck as I know that the next few weeks and months will be tough

yeah, maybe it wasnt the best thing to do last time. i didnt say anything this time to her apart from support. she did say she didnt want to say anything this time as i had threatened to throw her out last time.

thanks for all the support guys. :thumbsup:
 

liamt

Distinguished Member

very possibly but with medication you dont get the troughs or peaks, it kind of levels them out.

the dad suffers with anxiety and has bete blockers. my wife takes citalopram (sp?)

they are all mad anyway :)
 

dazza74

Distinguished Member
hopefully adaction will be able to tell her how much she can take whilst being weened off. some days she didnt drink. for example i dont work fridays (3 day weekend!) and i was around all day and she didnt, nor the rest of the weekend unless she was sneaking it, which might have happened.

Hopefully this will mean she's not to addicted physically to alcohol and it's more a psycological problem if she can go day's without a drink. Hope things get sorted for you both soon, on the plus side at least you know the problem now, it's all out in the open.
 

signs

Banned
Very sad mate , but i think you could be very wrong here ..

im not sure where i would stand but i guess her being an alcoholic would mean i would easily get custody and without her spending all the cash i earn i could afford childcare (or even a sexy Aupair lol). the house is in my name and it was bought using funds from my old house and my savings (she hasnt put a penny in)


Like you said heroin addicts (sometimes) get to keep their children ,As far as the house goes ,she's your wife ,she's entitled to half.

If you throw her out you could lose your home ,child ,and thousands in maintenance.

Hope it all works out for you .
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
Very sad mate , but i think you could be very wrong here ..




Like you said heroin addicts (sometimes) get to keep their children ,As far as the house goes ,she's your wife ,she entitled to half.

If you throw her out you could lose your home ,child ,and thousands in maintenance.

Hope it all works out for you .

but if that happens i will file for full custody. would a court really side with an alcoholic against a working father who bought the house with his money? i know normally they side with the mother and pillage the father but in this case i would be after sole custody. lets hope we dont have to go this route anyway. i would hate for my son to only have 1 parent and not to be brought up in a 2 parent household.
 

dazza74

Distinguished Member
my wife takes citalopram (sp?)

I was taking citalopram up until about 2 month's ago and I've always drank while on anti depressants (in moderation mostly). I'd say it's a pretty mild anti-depressant in my experience. It was years back when I was given Prozac and I carried on drinking that thinks started to unravel, that was not a good mix :(

Medication can only take you so far, it's good to get out and talk to people like councillors etc. People that can offer impartial advice, not their personal opinion at least in my experience of these matters. Getting to the bottom of what's sadly driving your partner to drink :(
 

rickinyorkshire

Distinguished Member
How did you not know was drinking half a bottle of Rum a day?
 

dazza74

Distinguished Member
but if that happens i will file for full custody. would a court really side with an alcoholic against a working father who bought the house with his money? i know normally they side with the mother and pillage the father but in this case i would be after sole custody. lets hope we dont have to go this route anyway. i would hate for my son to only have 1 parent and not to be brought up in a 2 parent household.

I don't believe it will come to this from what I've read mate. My gut feeling is that yesterday's incident, her inability to basically look after your son properly has probably shocked her into sorting herself out imo. Won't be easy, but she's shown willpower in the past when it comes to alcohol when required to do so.
 

The latest video from AVForums

Hisense U7H TV and T+A Solitaire T headphone reviews, AV/HiFi news plus, what is screen uniformity?
Subscribe to our YouTube channel

Full fat HDMI teeshirts

Support AVForums with Patreon

Top Bottom