Absent fathers, why do some dads stop seeing their children?

Veni Vidi Vici

Well-known Member
Firstly I know there are plenty of dads out there who do everything within their power to see their children, often having to fight their ex-partner for access etc..., this thread isn't aimed at them.

Quite a few blokes I know have no contact with their dad, either the dad done a runner when they were young, they re-married and stopped contact or just a general lack of interest in having a relationship.

I know this can apply to women to but generally speaking its more often that the man is the one who losses contact with their kids. So why is that do you think? I know sometimes circumstances have a certain amount of control over situations but to stop seeing your children is quite extreme. Maybe you are one of those dads, if so why did you stop seeing your kids?
 
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shodan

Distinguished Member
I can't think of any reason, unless the father is worthless, selfish, lazy and too scared to try.
 

BB3Lions

Distinguished Member
Difficult one.

For me, my sperm donor was a wife beating alcoholic who my mother left when I was about 3.

I've spent time with him over the past 30+ years but whilst he's apologetic, I've no time for him.

I know numerous sperm donor's whose relationship fails and they stop seeing there kid's and it's very damaging for the children.
 

SBT

Banned
On a serious note, I cant understand why any bloke wouldn't want to know his children.
Mine are in their 20's live and work abroad, so I don't see them much and I miss them loads.
 
D

Deleted member 293381

Guest
BB3Lions talks about 'sperm donors' and that is about right for many guys.

I think there are a lot of blokes who are just not domesticated - wife or partner and kids are not in their blood. They have a go at family life but cannot stand the strain so they leave all that and move on rather than face the long-term responsibility of bringing up children.
 

Desmo

Distinguished Member
I'd imagine many never even wanted children but they just happened. They just disappear as they just don't care.
 
D

Deleted member 51156

Guest
My own mum grew up without her father, there was infidelity by someone when she was a baby and her mum and dad split. She found him a couple of yrs ago, he had a whole new family, daughters, sons, and grandchildren... It was a brief meeting and the closure she was seeking didn't happen, and the conflicting information just confused her even more...

My own wife hadn't seen her dad for well over a decade yrs until the birth of our first daughter, I've tried to encourage a relationship but it's slow going.. Again their was infidelity in the marriage and he's still very, very bitter towards the mother so much so he didn't attend our wedding...

We are working though a couple of work book programs set by a counsellor to help in our communication issues caused by the events in her childhood, in all the above cases and my exes alcohol and infidelity have reeked havoc amongst generations of family members...
 

Pisto_Grih

Distinguished Member
Excepting extenuating circumstances, there must be a bonding process that never fully happens. Taking my son away from me (or vice versa) would probably kill me.
 

kBm

Distinguished Member
After leaving my mum, with young 4 kids, mortage and huge debt for another woman, my dad made the bear minimum of effot to see his children. That lasted a few years until he buggered off to another country. Never shown any remorse or regret for his actions.

Only now, as a father of two, do i realise what true selfish human being he is.
 

lucasisking

Distinguished Member
I'm an estranged dad and am often aghast how rarely some other 'dads' see their kids and how little effort they make.

I make sure I have my kids as often as possible (within the bounds of allowing myself a life) and have them up to 40% of the week on average. I make sure my relationship with them is every bit as strong as the one they have with their mum, and make sure my time with them is quality time- we laugh, talk, play, read stories, go out and do all sorts. They reward that effort ten times over by every time they give me a cuddle unprompted.

The idea of losing that bond, or them preferring to be with their mum's boyfriend, is terrifying to me and I could never let that never happen.

Perhaps there's a spectrum of 'paternal instinct' and some guys simply don't feel that need for a relationship as strongly as others do.
 

Veni Vidi Vici

Well-known Member
I know someone who absolutely doted on his kids, if I had to put money on anyone not walking away from them I would've picked him. Yet he cheated on his wife, left her for another women and hasn't seen or spoken to his kids in almost 2 years. I honestly don't understand it.
 

liamt

Distinguished Member
yeah, i could never leave my son. if i split up i would do everything to keep my son with me.

there are plenty of women who dont allow fathers to see their kids as well.

one of my mates was in the navy. came back from being away to find his wife had been having an affair and kicked HIM out of the house. he struggles like hell to see his kid yet pays a fortune in support and lives in a sh*tty flat with no money. yet she has a new man to look after her.

some people i guess struggle with the whole being a dad thing. it is tough but i love my son to bits.
 

Veni Vidi Vici

Well-known Member
Do you think in many cases it's just dads don't see their kids that often (due to work) and aren't as involved with bringing them up as the mum is, so the bond isn't as strong as it may appear to be?
 

Ned Senior

Well-known Member
Me and my misses split up when my son was 3, I had him every weekend untill he was seven at which point I was in a position to buy a car so from then he was with me after school every night till 9:30/10pm and also all school holidays....then when he was 12 he moved in with me as there was some aggro at his mums neighbours and the street was unsafe
Only when he moved into a flat of his own at 24 did we part company but we see each other a couple of times a week and text or video call loads every day
How anyone can not be delighted and proud to be a father really boggles my mind!!!!
 

x3j3UKN

Well-known Member
That's awesome, if anything went south with my marriage that's the exact way I'd like my life to pan out. The only reason I work so god damn hard is for my wife & kids, I wouldn't put up with it otherwise. If the worst happened my kids would be my whole life, no question.
 

Woodywizz

Distinguished Member
Any father who does not want to be an integral part of their kid's lives is an absolute **** in my opinion.
 

rousetafarian

Moderator
My Dad and I are so close, and my parents are still married after nearly 50 years. One thing that I 'think' disappoints him privately is that I haven't given him any grandchildren, whereas my only sibling has, twice.

I cannot attest to the future, but if genetics and personality have anything to do with it, I'd be a great Dad and would do anything, absolutely anything to care for and protect my kids.

I'm 42 now, separated but happy and childless, it's times like this that I think I've missed out massively not having kids, who would be at College/University wherever.

Then again, who knows?

Huge respect to all the Dads out there who are parents, carers and ambassadors for their kids, good on you!
 

GaryB 1978

Distinguished Member
My kids are 6 & 3 and I miss them when I'm at work or if they stay over with family. Nothing better then been greeted with a big hug after a hard day's graft
 

m4rky_m4rk

Well-known Member
I do not think on a thread like this anyone is going to be really honest and truthful.

Its already too full of the self congratulating types who only want to massage their own positive experiences while blissfully ignoring all the crap and tragedy.

And I only have to read of some of the pre-emptive replies to see what a lions den a less than perfect father would be walking into if they dared to be truthful and try to explore why it is the way it is. I expect those with an unhappy situation seeking advice and help would be aggressively attacked without sympathy.

Those with a genuine interest in what needs to be done to make things better will not get to hear the other side of the story here!

If the rights and expectations from society of what it means to be a Dad are low then its no surprise some people perform as expected. Its a self fulfilling presumption and it's a tragedy for all that so many would be good Dad's do not get to realise their full potential.
 
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phil t

Well-known Member
..one of my mates was in the navy. came back from being away to find his wife had been having an affair and kicked HIM out of the house. he struggles like hell to see his kid yet pays a fortune in support and lives in a poopty flat with no money. yet she has a new man to look after her.

Happened to one of my mates and is reasonably prevalent in the Navy (and probably the Armed Forces in general).

Between total fruit loops (accusing their partners of sexually abusing their kids) and taking the children to different parts of the country (or world even), I've known quite a few blokes who have little or no contact with their kids.

Not every one who has no contact, does so through their own choice.
 

SBT

Banned
I missed the birth of my twins and didn't see them as often as I would have liked, due to being in the Army.
Made it even nicer when I did see them :)
 

Rock Danger

Distinguished Member
I missed the birth of my twins and didn't see them as often as I would have liked, due to being in the Army.
Made it even nicer when I did see them :)

It worries me at times that you were once armed.
 

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