A funny 'priceless' joke

madcyril

Established Member
Joined
May 30, 2004
Messages
1,049
Reaction score
81
Points
241
Age
52
Location
Manchester
This has been a round for a bit but I thought I'd post it for those who may not have seen it.

While I was driving down the road the other day, (going a little faster than I thought) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman in the other side with a radar gun, The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic look, patronising smirk, asked-
Runway too short?'
To which I replied, 'I'm late for work.
'To which he asked, 'What do you do?
I'm a rectum stretcher.' I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?
Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I work with my whole hand in,work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, 'And just what do you do with a six-foot a***hole?
To which I politely replied, 'You give it a radar gun and park it behind
a bridge...'

Speeding ticket:£60
Points: 3-6
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
 
An American, Japaneseman and an Irishman were naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a mobile phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the Sauna and went to the bathroom.

When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said ....... " B-jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!
 
Some nice jokes there, never heard them before either! Classics (Y)
 
There was this woman who wanted a breast size increase, so she decided to talk to her husband about it.
Now this guy was a real caring thoughtful bloke..
Honey we cant afford the price being asked. But he said, I have an alternative.
Each night before you go to bed why not rub your breast area with toilet paper.
This reply stuffed her, so she said what do you mean by that.
His reply was "well it worked on your arse"
 
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied
 
Matthew Kelly introduces the next act on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’
“Next ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce Simon.”
The audience clap and whoop as Simon hobbles onto centre stage with his legs in plaster and on crutches.
MK. “Oh my God Simon what has happened?”
Simon, “Well Matthew, after rehearsals the other day my uncle Tony picked me up and we started to make our way home. We were going down a country lane when Uncle Tony swerved to avoid a rabbit in the road, lost control of the car and smashed into a tree. Unfortunately he was killed and my legs were crushed.
MK. “That’s terrible, what happened next?”
Simon, “Well, what with the advances in medical science and all, doctors were able to graft Tony’s legs onto my body and….here I am!!
MK. What an amazing, tragic story. But as they say, ‘The show must go on,’ So…. Tell me, the audience and the people at home……who are you going to be tonight?
Simon, “Tonight Matthew I am going to be…














Simon and halfuncle!!
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.



"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little fed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?







Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 
Ouch :D

Still going to Law school
 
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while she's thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!...etc. She turns to him...they kiss.. and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly,

............"Well, how was it?"



The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf
 
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those c:censored:'s at Jewson's deliver the f:censored:ing bricks.
 
The Man And The Cashier
A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper please!"

Little man
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
 
LOL @ all the jokes, never heard any of these. Keep 'em coming!
 
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in six
weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in four weeks.
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them both looking
for work in two weeks."
A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You We
took a man with no brain - made him President, and now
the whole country is looking for work.

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"Is that all?", Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen the tent."

The Financial Consultant
A Financial Consultant parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the consultant grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the consultant starts screaming hysterically:” My Porsche, my beautiful granite grey Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the consultant finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you Financial Consultants are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the consultant looking at his damaged Porsche.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The consultant looks down in horror..."What the HELL!" he
screams... "Where's my Rolex????..."

The Parrot
Jen's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Jen's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
@DrPepper: Nice one! (Y) (Y) But I've already heard the sherlock holmes one. Still a great classic.
 
Here is my contribution:
===
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
===
 
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to
report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average p***s and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the 50p. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
 
Friendship among girls:

A young lady doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them know about it!


Friendship among guys:

A young man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there!
 
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
 
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when
a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy
daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay
and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the
mother tellsher not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet
came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a :censored: and I shot the dog".
 
leej said:
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when
a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy
daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay
and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the
mother tellsher not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet
came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a :censored: and I shot the dog".


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

oh brilliant, absolutely brilliant.....i've heard most of the jokes posted on here before (half of them were int he old NFSF forum before it got taken down), but this ones tickled me pink....heh
 

The latest video from AVForums

Is 4K Blu-ray Worth It?
Subscribe to our YouTube channel
Back
Top Bottom