The Curse of Rosalie Movie Review

“Only death can save her……and us.”

by Mark Costello
Movies & TV Shows Review

6

The Curse of Rosalie Movie Review

What do you get if you cross every film ever made about a possessed child, a dash of quasi-Christian mythos that desperately wants to be something other than barely concealed marketing material, acting that would make wood embarrassed for the comparison and an auteur who thought the greatest villain in the history of humanity should look like a bald-headed Italian football referee? Two hours of your life you won’t get back…

There’s approximately 1 minute and 56 seconds of semi-interesting footage in The Curse of Rosalie (which seeing as someone says the title the film was originally given, The Harbinger, at least every 120 seconds, and NO-ONE says its new title at all, should have retained its original moniker).

Because that’s how long the trailer is.

Yet more proof that you can make an ok trailer out of literally anything, this dreary, laboured, po-faced piece of religious recruitment from writer-director-lead actor Will Klipstine deserves to follow several of its characters straight down into cinematic hell.

It could have been so different – its religious angle could have been solid if Klipstine had followed the model of say Gregory Widen’s The Prophecy and its blend of ancient religious characters and beings skulking through the modern world. But sadly it didn’t, instead opting for the path of least resistance which in turn proved to be the same path as that of least interest: Daniel Snyder (Klipstone) and his wife Theresa (Amanda MacDonald) are leaving town. Possibly because his work colleague has just committed suicide…possibly because his blank-eyed young daughter Rosalie (Madelaine McGraw) has just told the grieving widow at his graveside that her husband is currently enjoying the burning pinch of the fires of hell…or possibly because of some other reason. A reason may be linked to Snyder’s job as a door-to-door insurance salesman who likes to leave strange looking phallic relics behind at his customers that lead to a very curious case of immediate death…

... opting for the path of least resistance which in turn proved to be the same path as that of least interest

Everything about the film screams ‘beige’. From the bland looking suburban hellscape of the flat-packed town the Snyder’s rock up to with their beige houses and beige cars and beige skies (he’s also a door-to-door insurance salesman…could anything get more beige?), to the traditional genre scenes of death and mayhem that seem to have been shot as if Klipstine is reading ‘The Big Book of Horror Films’ as he goes along. There’s no style to the camera work or the design of any element of the film itself, backed up by the insipid characterisations that waft in and out of frame as the film progresses. Even when the narrative threatens some mild interest in the form of a sniff of a mystery – why do the Snyder’s neighbours suddenly turn on them after a spate of local suicides? And why do they all seem to have Ikea bookshelves of the same relics that the Snyder’s have a trunk full of yet seem to disdain them immensely? – it never wraps the mystery up in an enigma inside of a conundrum and dares us to keep being interested in it. Instead it almost figuratively sticks a pin in anything remotely interesting in the hope that, Chekov’s Gun style, come the film’s entire resolution we’ll suddenly remember how clever it was to get a waft of it several minutes earlier.

Hint: we don’t.

The Curse of Rosalie

Not helping one bit is the film’s physical manifestation of the plot section on its Wiki page – once she was the voice of Disney’s Pocahontas; but now, poor old Irene Bedard is saddled with being the broadest stereotype of a Native American wise woman ever committed to film. Her entire dialogue is either mysterious but dull and obvious platitudes or horribly contrived exposition about ‘the past’ that seems to have been ripped straight out of a primary school book on First Peoples. Bet that long Atlantic crossing with Mel Gibson is looking more appealing now ain’t it, Irene? The hideous explosion of Christianity and Native American myth is so lazy and dull, there’s literally a scene with Tribal Chiefs and The Devil (yes, the actual Devil) drawing lines in the ground and saying “this side is mine, that side is yours…”

As the film progresses through its very long near two hour run-time, the plot ends begin to tie themselves up, but any hope that a superb left-field turn by the narrative will provide a glorious third act are sadly dashed when our family and said Lord of the Underworld finally meet face-to-face in a set that looks to have last been used in a small church hall in 1992. I can’t lie, there was a lot of chuckling going on as the town mystery was finally revealed, but I don’t think chuckles were likely what Klipstone was going for. Or maybe he was…that’s possibly the most logical explanation for why it also involves the ghosts of prohibition-era gangsters…

... Even in the depths of almost every single streaming service there are hundreds of films that you wouldn’t bother watching that are still better than this

However he most certainly must have been aiming for the yuks when he cast Pierluigi Collina’s twin to be The Dark One. The same smooth pate, the same bug-eyed expression of intense concentration, it may have worked on the football pitch (non-footy fans google him), but it certainly doesn’t in the finale of a religious so-called ‘horror film’. Still, at least its better than the Poundshop Dave Grohl/Tenacious D inspired OTHER version of the Lord of the Underworld that crops up.

Ultimately, this is a really terrible film. Its inspirations are so obvious yet its construction is so poor it almost offends. Yet when the very untraditional credits rolled, I felt kinda guilty. One of the film’s production companies is called ‘Veteran Films’ and they are a non-profit company set up to provide job for veterans, victims of domestic abuse and Native Americans. Not quite sure what those three social groups have in common, but it was obviously produced with the right intentions…but aren’t all the biggest messes in human history? Just ask the [insert name of political party of choice here].

There is sadly nothing to recommend this film. At all. Even in the depths of almost every single streaming service there are hundreds of films that you wouldn’t bother watching that are still better than this. So consider this a public service announcement…dear readers, please, please, please avoid.

The Curse of Rosalie premieres on the Icon Film Channel from 13th March

The Curse of Rosalie is released in selected UK cinemas from 14th April
Own it on DVD & Digital 15th May

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