Andy McNab's SAS: Red Notice (Sky / NowTV) Movie Review

For clarity's sake: the main character is actually called Thomas William Buckingham III. Save your eyerolls, you'll need them later.

by Tom Davies
Movies & TV Shows Review

72

Andy McNab's SAS: Red Notice (Sky / NowTV) Movie Review

Andy McNab is the godfather of super-blokey airport fiction…I think. I mean, it could be Chris Ryan, now I come to think of it. McNab definitely did it first, but did Ryan do it more? Look, either way, it’s McNab who’s inspired this particular piece of direct-to-TV lone-wolf SAS worship and it is less interesting than that description makes it sound.

Originally set to star Luke Evans with Nick Love directing, an adaptation of SAS: Red Notice spent 5 years in Development Hell before original rights holders Lionsgate finally dropped the idea. Now reworked by writer Lawrence Malkin and director Magnus Martens (You know! Those guys!), the adaptation of Andy McNab’s book finally hits our screens as a starring vehicle for Sam Heughan (Outlander).

And I’m done. That’s my review of the film.

What's it about? Oh, well, it’s about 2 hours long.

Oh, you mean what’s the story? Oh some toff SAS guy, Jonathan Homecounties, wants to propose to his GF… who appears to really dislike him. I mean, she spends like an hour of the movie telling complete strangers she doesn’t like him. Anyway, he gets on the Eurostar but half way through the Chunnel (why does no one say ‘Chunnel’ any more?) some, hmmm, I want to say terrorists... I’m not super clear what they’re terrorising about, I think they’re annoyed that they were caught being terrorists and want money to make it better… but yes, these terries stop the train halfway through the journey and Marcus Mansionworthy has to take them down all on his own. Also, the main terry is Batwoman. First Batwoman, not new Batwoman –  as if that makes a difference. It’s all very dramatic, and she’s ever so bad and whathaveyou, and she’s called the Black Swan? Or the group is called the Black Swans? And helping her out is a man on the inside, another SAS guy who is working with her but seems very set on getting her killed. This guy is played by Andy Serkis without an accent – so, boring.

 

What's it about? Oh, well, it’s about 2 hours long.

It’s kind of sad, because a formulaic TV movie can be saved by a few convincing performances and a basic level of commitment from those involved. This is not in evidence for SAS: Red Notice. In the lead, Sam Heughan gives his best James Bond audition. (Not a good James Bond audition exactly, but definitely the best he’s capable of.) Ruby Rose, yesterday’s Batwoman, struggles to demonstrate any level of engagement in the material with all two of her expressions: shit-eating grin / disinterested sneer. Also, Andy Serkis is on set and knows all his lines; he is a consummate professional.

Andy McNab's SAS: Red Notice
"How much are you getting paid?" "Why, how much are you getting paid?" "Hey, I asked first!" "Look, let's just accept the fact that neither of us are getting as much as Andy flipping Serkis."

With the aid of some familiarish TV faces, the characters bland their way through two uninspired hours of dicking about in a tunnel in a slow build to a drawn out face-off.

The locations are basic, the action is basic, the script is SO basic, but just as you think the movie might at least be displaying a fundamental level of competence - BAM! Typos in the French subtitles - I kid you not – “There’s a lot of what?” “Thing’s (sic) you can’t explain.”

In a particularly head-scratching moment Nathan Richtrousers’ girlfriend shouts out to warn him of the treachery of Batwoman. The kicker? Batwoman is communicating with him via text message. “No! She’s lying!” shouts girlfriend at a text, as if Siri might somehow help save the day. It would be funny if you had no notion that there was still half an hour of this nonsense to go.

 

It is not fun. It is boring..

If you think that this sounds like a fun Friday night bad movie, an easy way to pass a couple of hours, let me immediately disabuse you of that notion. It is not fun. It is boring. This film is what Die Hard would be like if it was full of bad effects and people calling each other a “snide” and cabinet meetings in panelled rooms to really slow down the pace. This is what Die Hard would be like if Bruce Willis made it now.

But hey! Stick around for the mid-credits stinger and get hype for the sequel that, if there’s a god, is never getting made.

Andy McNab's SAS: Red Notice is available now on Sky and NowTV


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