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The Baby Juice Express Review

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by AVForums Apr 1, 2004 at 12:00 AM

    Baby Juice Express is set in the British coastal town of Bognor Regis. I suspect this review could stop right now and with that one piece of information you'd understand enough about the movie, but the fear of a swift slap round the head from the boss encourages me to continue. With a plethora of well-known faces one could be forgiven for hoping that this British made movie has that certain something that would elevate it beyond mere “average-ness” - oh, if only it could reach the blurry heights of such mediocrity! You see those “faces” include Samantha Janus, Cleo Rocos, ex-Arsenal football teammates, David Seaman and Charlie Dimmock... oops excuse me, I do of course mean Ray Parlour, as well as veteran boxer Joe Bugnor who plays Palooka - the pantomimic heavy - and Julian Clarey who is perfectly cast as a minder, erm that should of course read - gay minder; yes Baby Juice Express is a comedy... of sorts. The fear of that slap looms large so I'd better get on with the plot...

    Des, Nick Moran, and partner in mini-crime Frank O'reilly, Philip Davis, need £800.00 - a debt brought about by Des actually winning a boxing match (he's useless!) - and by a strange quirk of fate (someone gets run down by a bus) they end up with a rather sweet £20,000.00. Unfortunately, the money belongs to gangland boss Raymond Krakowski, Nick Brimble, who is locked away in prison for murders committed some thirty years ago. When the twenty grand predictably goes astray Des and Frank must come up with a plan to recoup their loss before Palooka finds them. And come up with a plan they do - to kidnap Krakowski's sperm (you'll have to watch the movie to understand why) and demand a ransom.

    I found Baby Juice Express tedious in the extreme - believe me when I say I fell asleep as the credits rolled, it's true! In fact this movie is so bad I may just have to watch it again. Why? Simply because my conscious faculty cannot believe any movie could be so abysmally dire - even though I've watched it and I know it is. Having said that, once I'd watched and listened to the extras - my memory of the movie changed! Joe Bugnor's face pulling is still immensely annoying, and I definitely have a strange desire to watch the film a second time. At the end of the day, and despite the actor's best efforts, those actors simply do not have the necessary stagecraft to pull this movie from the quagmire. I really would like to like this film - I just think it's awful.