Home Entertainment & Technology Resource

  1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Should my partners son pay board?

Discussion in 'Parents' Forum' started by Westindieman, Jan 29, 2012.

  1. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    It could be something else... But I'm too polite to say...
  2. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    Sorry I didn't get it. No problem, better to clarify :)
  3. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    No worries... It's the language barrier I guess... That's what I'm gonna call it... Ha ha...
  4. Kebabhead

    Kebabhead Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,150
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +509
    Not trying to be funny but you should have dealt with this issue right at the start rather than suck it and see approach
  5. Ian J

    Ian J New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2001
    Messages:
    25,565
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4,979
    I wonder how many people post asking for help or advice then having read the answers wished they hadn't bothered
  6. Kebabhead

    Kebabhead Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,150
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +509
    What does one expect?

    An simple answer to solve a situation that could have been solved before rather than after
  7. Ian J

    Ian J New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2001
    Messages:
    25,565
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +4,979
    If it were me I'd settle for some friendly advice and hope that everyone else would just move on to a different thread
  8. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    I think my baby suggestion was the best... If your knee deep in poopy nappies your not going to worry about a messy 21 year old are ya?
  9. IronGiant

    IronGiant Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2003
    Messages:
    35,720
    Trophy Points:
    166
    Ratings:
    +12,435
    We expect that sort of post in GC, not in here, where the emphasis is on helping people out not rubbing their noses in past mistakes. Perhaps we can move forward and help with the current situation, rather than pointing out where you think he made the mistake in the first place. It certainly doesn't help to labour the point.

    @Instigator Perhaps you can keep the lighter side such as get her preggers or marry her you bum for suitably lighter threads.
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
  10. Kebabhead

    Kebabhead Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,150
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +509
    I'm not rubbing his nose in at all

    As pointed out in his post
    It's was obviously something needed to be done before then

    Sometimes people can be there own worst enemy
  11. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    When you live with people you tend to have to make compromises.

    I don't think there is any woman out there happy and delighted having to pick other people's dirty socks off the floor or put the toilet seat down every five seconds. But if they had to moan and nag everytime it happens, the divorce rate would be much higher, so they just put up with it.

    In the situation the OP wants to change not only the life long habits of a 21 year old man, but also his partner's views on education and expectations.
    I would suggest that in this relationship or any future one, it's likely to be a hard struggle and likely to fail if he goes in all "make or break". You can't change people completely to suit your own views and ideas.
  12. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    Exactly.
  13. Westindieman

    Westindieman Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    1,605
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +98
    Its not that easy mate. Its the womans child and that attachment isnt one that you can tell her to lessen or break. When she says he is coming to live with us but its temporary, then she later implies to him that it can be permanent, how can I say 'thats not happening'.
    Then there was the discussion about his board and she passed it off like 'I'll talk to him about it'.
    In this time I am busy working on the house and its not the priority. And then weeks later I ask about and and she says she hasnt gotten around to it yet. Then weeks later when I say, 'this has to be dealt with...'. And she says 'I have decided not to......'.
    Of course I have protested and sucked it but its never gone away from me and smacks me when I come home from work and he has been in all day and the kichen is a tip, or the bins have been emptied by council but are still on the pavement even though he has been in and out past them.
  14. Westindieman

    Westindieman Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    1,605
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +98
    You are right about all that but i am in a situation now I never would have accepted at the start and I made it obvious that how they lived would cause problems, it was accepted there would be changes. There has been but not really with him.
  15. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    Try leaving a list of things that you need him to do...

    Or try and frame it as a we all live here, we all have responsibilities that contribute to the household... If its not money it's sharing everyday household jobs...

    Bringing the bins in from street

    Washing dishes

    Etc...

    There are probably better ways of communicating this... Ha ha...
  16. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    Well from your latest post it sounds like your partner is not being "fair" here. I realise we don't get the full story here but as a couple if I discuss something with my husband and we decide on a course of action, I wouldn't just come back to him saying "I decided not to".

    You have the make compromises but so should they.

    At the end of the day it's still all about communication and if you are unhappy with the situation, talk to your partner and agree on something sooner rather than later. It doesn't have to be ultimatums and make or break, just adult conversation where you sort out an issue as a couple.
    Leaving it and hoping it will improve on its own isn't going to work I'm afraid, but go in calmly and with a little patience.
  17. Kebabhead

    Kebabhead Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,150
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +509
    Although it is her son he is living under your roof "scott free" so you have a say in the matter

    If your partner is unwilling to accept this fact then clearly she has an issue

    All I am saying is don't be a doormat in this situation because doormats never get respect
  18. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    She won't be seeing it that way given the OP and her keep things separate and just put the right amount of money together to pay for the bills, but she pays some extra for her son. So as far as she's concerned, she pays for her own son.

    It's difficult when the children are that age. When they're younger, the new partner becomes a parent to the child and behaves like a biological parent would, sharing responsibilities, cost but also loving etc. (well anyway ideally that's how it works) and there's no feeling of "it's your child, not mine, nothing to do with me".
    In the OP's situation I'm note sure if the feeling of being his dad is there (or if the son would even accept it) or if he's seen as more of an annoyance coming between the OP and his partner. His partner will quite rightly make her child come first, no matter how old he is.
  19. Kebabhead

    Kebabhead Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,150
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +509
    This is what I don't like because it's using a child a leveridge

    If I were to be in a relationship with a partner whose children weren't mine then I would be expected to be on an equal footing
  20. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    That wouldn't (shouldn't) happen though. A parent who gets into a new relationship is a parent first, they have responsibilities towards their children.

    See it that way, if you had children (maybe you have) and then got a new partner, would you suddenly put your children "to the side" to make way for the new partner?

    I'm not saying that the new partner is bottom of the pile, I'd expect the new partner to act as a parent sharing responsibilities as well as the good side of having children. And I'd treat the new partner in the same way as if he was the children's biological parent. That is if he acts that way.

    If the relationship is one where everything is separate except the house you live in and the bed your share, with his and hers of everything, then the children are "my responsibility" and I get to decide alone what happens with them because I'm the only parent in the house.
  21. Westindieman

    Westindieman Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    1,605
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +98
    I know what your saying but you cannot say that £100 per month is covering her sons food, housing him, insuring his items, water usage, community tax, gas and electric bills, internet usage, TV license etc. Im not that Im asking for more from her, just that out of his pocket he contributes something.
    It probably still wouldnt stop him running the hot water constantly the 10 minutes when he is washing up or brushing his teeth, leaving on the light or telly when he goes to another part of the house to do something or leaving his computer running when he goes out. Anytime I try to ask him not to do one of this it feels like its me thats wrong and picky.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2012
  22. Westindieman

    Westindieman Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    1,605
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +98
    I know what your saying but you cannot say that £100 per month is covering her sons food, housing him, insuring his items, water usage community tax, gas and electric bills and internet usage, TV license etc. Im not that Im asking for more from her, just that out of his pocket he contributes something.
    It probably still wouldnt stop him running the hot water constantly the 10 minutes when he is washing up or brushing his teeth, leaving on the light or telly when he goes to another part of the house to do something or leaving his computer running when he goes out. Anytime I try to ask him not to do one of this it feels like its me thats wrong and picky.
  23. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    It seems your issue is not so much the cost of him living with you but the principle of him not getting a free ride so you want him to pay for himself, not your partner.

    In that case you still need to talk to your partner and explain it to her that way.

    It's not to bug him, it's to teach him responsibilities etc. and that her paying for him doesn't teach him anything.
    Sometimes loving your children can mean having to be "tough" so they learn too.
    If she agrees then it needs to be done, not dragged on and forgotten.
  24. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    I've mentioned this before... The kid doesn't have those values because Mom didn't have them or instill them in her precious baby... For whatever reason...

    It ain't gonna happen after a make or break discussion...

    It could happen over time little by little but from the tone of op posts I get the impression he doesn't have the patience or desire to be involved in that process...

    Either one invests themselves in some kind of solution or compromise that starts the group of co-habitators on a path to mutual happiness or one lays down the law and deals with the drama, fall out or resentment etc...

    I don't think the op likes the kid or wants the kid around at all... Also the "not a proper couple" description just throws up all kinds of issues... I wonder as the other half of the "couple" what sort of responsibility he must take for that?
  25. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    Well I think I addressed these issues in a different thread the OP had on the subject.
  26. instigator

    instigator Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,312
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +71
    Oh, this is ongoing thing?

    I guess that makes sense... Some deeper issues here... I think he should just lighten up and be happy... He's got a nice house, partner... Let go of pettiness and insecurities and get on with enjoying life...

    I think the drama is self inflicted...
  27. Westindieman

    Westindieman Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    1,605
    Trophy Points:
    51
    Ratings:
    +98
    Thats pretty much it Jenn.
  28. dejongj

    dejongj Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2003
    Messages:
    28,183
    Trophy Points:
    166
    Ratings:
    +4,359
    Whilst there is that element, it doesn't mean that if they don't pay their way it is a bad thing either. It is just different.

    I could never ever charge my children to live under my roof, then again neither did my parents with me.

    And in my opinion not bringing in the bins, or tidying the kitchen etc. Firstly he is a boy :D Most aren't attentive, I don't think for a minute it is intentional. I don't 'see' things like that and I am double his age :devil: But again people are different, raised different. Just like running taps and many more habbits. Heck it really did my head in that my wife kept on running the water (from an environmental waste perspective) when brushing teeth or god knows what. The best you can hope for is to share your views and perhaps they adopt and perhaps not.

    I would say chill, however this is not the first time you've brought up this subject so obviously you can't chill about it. It is her son, and I think like any parent her child will come way way way before you. Sure you can talk, and there will be some short term change, but you cant change 21 years of doings things overnight. It just isn't going to happen, and you will alway (rightfully so in my opinion) take second place.
  29. Doug the D

    Doug the D Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2010
    Messages:
    2,236
    Trophy Points:
    116
    Ratings:
    +1,194
    I had a chat with my wife over the weekend with regards to this thread. She raised a few interesting points/ questions.
    As Jenn and others have said, the child should come first with the mother, but....there are times when this is not so cut and dried.
    1) If Westindieman had met his partner years ago and she had a young child, and she put the child first, that is a completely different scenario to;

    2)Westindieman meeting his partner recently and she puts her 21 year old (man) son first in her life.

    Of course the mother will and should love her child in a mothers only way, but should she really put her life on hold forever? I don't think so. Also, she should ask her son what happens if she continually defends him, and Westindiman leaves her? Should she be unhappy and alone for the rest of her life because her son can't get on with the man in her life? As I said at the start of this post, its not all cut and dried, nothing is never as simple as it perhaps seems, and as others have pointed out before, we only hear one side of the story don't we?
  30. Jenn

    Jenn Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,894
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Ratings:
    +1,278
    Well I'd always put my children first before any new man but like I said, I'd also treat my new partner as a partner and not just a room-mate so we'd (hopefully) work things out together and agree on something.

    Because at the end of the day this 21 year old is the way he is because that's how he was raised and/or because his mum allows him to be this way. If that's how she wants to raise her child, then that's up to her and then it's her choice if it causes her partner to leave.
    Then it's up to the OP to work out if it's something that is worth leaving his partner over.

Share This Page