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England Jokes

Discussion in 'Sport Forum' started by sickofusernames, Jun 28, 2010.

  1. sickofusernames

    sickofusernames Member

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    Surprised there's not a thread on jokes yet, there's loads i've received via text/email so here's my latest ones:-



    "No Volcanic Ash from Iceland today but reports say a shower of **** is on it's way from South Africa."

    "David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record of doing **** all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney."
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2010
  2. Bill Hicks

    Bill Hicks Well-Known Member

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    Stay tuned cos there's another 23 jokes coming.
    As soon as they've landed at Heathrow that is.....;)
  3. vader100

    vader100 Active Member

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    Tampax are the new sponsers of the england team. A spokesman for the company said "This deal is exactly what our product does. Helping a bunch of ***** through a difficult period".

    WEATHER WARNING! Extensive flooding due in the North of England due to every Scotsman ******* themselves laughing.
  4. Citizen J

    Citizen J Active Member

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    Sky Sports breaking news:

    "The England squad have been arrested upon arrival at Heathrow Airport. The 23 players have been charged with impersonating footballers".
  5. Juiceloose

    Juiceloose Member

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    Fabio Capello has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try to cheer the fans up. If they win, they'll go on to play Tesco's followed by Sainsbury's!
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  6. Se777eN

    Se777eN Active Member

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    That joke is awful LOL..
  7. reddevil63

    reddevil63 Active Member

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    Went to the chemist for some condoms...

    Got the Robert Green ones, extra slippery and guaranteed to catch sod all!


    My mate asked me if I saw the england goal.

    Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.
  8. Heroik

    Heroik Member

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    lol indeed...i acutally laughed at how bad it was

    That's a pretty good one!
  9. bowenjones

    bowenjones Active Member

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    Oxo are bringing out a new cube with the flag of St. George printed on the wrapping. They're calling it the Laughing Stock.

    Edit,
    Someone beat me to it in General Chat.
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2010
  10. FruitBat

    FruitBat Active Member

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    Well, if we're recycling jokes from previous England disappointments (and there's been a few)...


    What's the difference between <insert name of useless England player> and an airfix model?

    One is a glueless kit...
  11. raigraphixs

    raigraphixs Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
  12. CaptainCook

    CaptainCook Member

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    Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

    Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'

    "My dad dances in a gay club and takes off his clothes for the men.
    If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

    The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

    'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.
  13. FruitBat

    FruitBat Active Member

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    Fabio Capello was examining the pitch before a training practice when he noticed a large turd sitting in the middle of the grass. Angrily, he stormed into the dressing room.
    "Who's **** on the pitch?" he demanded.
    "I am boss" replied Matthew Upson, "but I'm quite good in the air."
  14. vader100

    vader100 Active Member

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    That used to be Heskey's joke:D
  15. domtheone

    domtheone Active Member

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    :rotfl: @ Out of Africa
  16. Toasty

    Toasty Active Member

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    I know how the England team feel, I'm crap at football too.
  17. reddevil63

    reddevil63 Active Member

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    What has Lampards's disallowed goal and the SAS have in common?

    Both remained undetected behind German lines.
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  18. FruitBat

    FruitBat Active Member

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    Fabio phones Sven to find out how to improve his training methods.
    "Dustbins" says Sven.
    "Position dustbins around the training pitch and get the players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, it'll improve all round control".
    The next day Sven's phone rings, it's Fabio, "Ciao, The dustbins, they are winning 3-1. What do I do now?"
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  19. metropolis

    metropolis Member

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    osama bin laden has just appeared in a new tv message proving he is still alive.he said the english football team were absolute **** and full of excuses.british intelligence dismissed it saying it could have been recorded any time during the last 40 years.
  20. overkill

    overkill Active Member

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    Police Statement: A man has been found in a river this morning wearing an England shirt, women's knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders and a blow up doll attached to his nether regions. Police removed the shirt to save the family any embarrassment.........

    Bloke walks into a brothel and says, 'I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?

    The madam replies '£37.50'

    'Wow' say's the guy, 'what do I get for that?

    She says 'a ****** England top'!
  21. Bimbeemer

    Bimbeemer Member

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    It is just before the England v Argentina match. Messi goes into the Argentinian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

    "What's up?" he asks.

    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England . They're ***** and we can't be bothered."

    Messi looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the pub."

    So Messi goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Argentinian team go off for a few jars.
    After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
    " Argentina 1 - England 0 (Messi 10 minutes)".

    He is beating England all by himself!

    A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

    They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Argentina 1 (Messi 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

    They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England ! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Messi. They find him in
    the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." He says.

    "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."
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    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2010
  22. Sonic67

    Sonic67 Active Member

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    If anyone in the North East knows the whereabouts of Raoul Moat can you tell him that John Terry, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney also ****ed his girlfriend.

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