A day in the life of a Steward

[neilios]

Just found this ,i thought it summed up english football today.

8.36 am

My alarm clock goes off, its a match day today and the culmination of a heavy weeks safety training, I've spent the whole week at the Stadium learning to walk up and down stairs, I'm yet to have as many gold stars as my friend Dave but I do think I chose the right career path instead of McDonalds

10.06am

I head downstairs to find the wife relaxing with her feet up on the sofa, I instruct her to immediately remove her feet from the seat, not only is it a safety hazard but there could be anything on her shoes. How would she like it if someone else were to sit in that seat?

12.06pm

I go to get my coat before heading to the match only to find one of the kids standing in the garden outside. I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don’t know how many times I need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble. 'Better safe than sorry' is my motto!

13.20pm

I wander round town looking for potential trouble makers. I spot two 16 years olds running around the town centre in designer clothing. They must be looking for opposition fans to attack. I take their picture on a grainy video camera and apply for banning orders, as they are clearly up to no good. We don't want that type around our family club.

2.35pm
I make my way to the stadium to search fans, to make sure they don't bring in anything that could be used as a potential weapon. There was one woman who tried to enter the ground wearing boots... HOW DARE SHE! Can you imagine letting someone in with something that could be used as a dangerous weapon, she insisted they were fashion wear and said she was off to the Oracle to go shopping instead. Good riddance to potential hardcore trouble makers I say!

A 78 year old lady also tried to enter the ground with a walking stick. This is a clear health hazard and offensive weapon and I refused her entry and confiscated her season ticket there and then. Imagine what she could have done if she got into a fight and hit somebody with it?! I was later informed she fell over and suffered a broken arm but think of the injuries she could have inflicted to others.

An opposition fan tries to enter the home end while wearing his clubs shirt. He looks harmless enough, so I let him in. We want to create a welcoming atmosphere and this is just the way to do it.

I also confiscated 28 bottle tops. HA!

2.56pm

The stadium is packed and we're almost ready for action. I've been busy directing people to seats for the past half hour, despite the fact they know where they're sitting because the stand is full of season ticket holders.
I've also been befriending people then telling them off for the most meaningless things.

3.10pm

I spot a young lad shouting that Reading are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen". My mate Winston confirms my suspicions that the Brazil side of 1970 were the best of all time so I discipline the little bastard for lying. First they're telling fibs, then it leads to heroin and gun crime. Still my objective as steward is to eradicate all evil from society so giving him a first and final warning was the right thing to do.

3.24pm

The opposition win a penalty. I take my camera out to take pictures while the players are celebrating, clearly failing to see the opposition fans in shirts that I let in earlier winding up the home fans.

3.49pm

Half time - its the usual stampede to the concourses so these hooligans can drink even more beer to aid the riots they’ll no doubt be starting. One of them has been standing a whole yard in front of the yellow line for the queue. I've radioed the gaffer but I have to wait until he moves another step before I can chuck him out. Another lad is seen heading into the toilets with a pack of fags. Does he not know passive smoking causes cancer. I eject him and apply for a 3 year banning order to be imposed. Besides, he is a young male fan, and as soon as we can replace him with a family of four, the better.

3.53pm

YES! The man queing finally moves forward, its been agony waiting for it but I feel he’s been causing a real threat to other peoples safety. He was also smoking. If he was to flick his ciggy on the floor and someone had left a crate of dynamite there the whole stadium could blow, I don’t want to be the man left with blood on his hands...

4.23pm

2 kids have been spotted walking around the concourse. One is apparently armed with a plastic spoon. Its times like these that I hate the danger element that’s involved but if it meant ensuring the safety of the fans I'd fight them, unless there’s someone smaller to pick on of course.

4.52pm

That’s it, game over, the drama however is not, one obvious hooligan has decided to hurdle the seats so he can get out quicker to cause more trouble. He doesn’t realise the danger he is causing himself and others, so I've called for the police as this is a serious matter. One of the boys in blue comes over and laughs in my face when I ask him to arrest the man for climbing over the seats - he obviously isn’t very well trained as I know this is actually a law. Maybe he’s laughing at the supposed supporters idiocy and just how far he is willing to go to compromise his own safety.

5.09pm
The last fan leaves the stadium, and I grimace at him for keeping me waiting while he takes photos. I grimace at everybody.

5.36pm

Another hectic day is over, unfortunately I lost our weekly contest of how many people we can throw out, although I did win a sweepstake for the stupidest warning after telling a fan he would have his season ticket taken off him if he continued to clap during the game. People criticise us stewards for not having a sense of humour but its a laugh a minute it really is.

7.03pm

I go home via my local chippy, the assistant obviously spots my luminous jacket and asks how Reading got on. I ain't stupid, they wont catch me out. I chucked 5 under 10s out, warned 15 pensioners and am trying to have 3 season tickets confiscated from people who didn't wear official club merchandise to the match. Does he really think I have time to watch the game? Its disgusting the lack of respect some people have for us stewards, ahem, 'safety officers'

8.34pm

I arrive home to find pandemonium in my house. my wife is running up and down the stairs screaming "oxf*rd get in we’ve won 5 million oxf*rd quid on the lottery", I proceed to throw her out of the premises as she is clearly celebrating far to much and foul language is just going over the top. With a bit of luck she wont be allowed back in again, some people just take liberties.

10-48pm

I settle down to watch Match of the Day. Strangely it seems people in the crowd actually watch the game. If only our supporters would grow up and not be hell bent on causing trouble by standing up, getting excited or singing, it would make my job a whole lot easier that’s for sure.

12-00pm

I apply to join the Police Force for the 42nd time.