[neilios]

WORLD CUP FOOTBALL - LIST OF TV RULES



Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend, Colleague,



1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that Way you will be able to join in the conversations.

If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain About not receiving any attention.



2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose It (your eye).



3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand Nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look After you during The World Cup month.



4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect Me to listen to you, Open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.



5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not Make any funny faces To my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a Good game that I missed during the day.



6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", Or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and Your so called "words of encouragement"

will only lead to a break up or divorce.



7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the Half time Score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".



8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.



9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

A) I will not go,

B) I will not go, and

C) I will not go.



10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.



11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule

#2 of this list".



12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes The Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.



Thank you for your cooperation.

[Woodywizz]

Brilliant , can I add :

13) Do not dare to comment that the picture quality of a match on BBCHD is comparable to the picture quality on BBC standard definition - you can only nod in agreement if I deem to speak to you and comment about the picture quality

14) You must inform any of our offspring that CBeebies/Nick JNr/PlayhouseDisney has been taken off air for the next 5 weeks, and you must deal with any ensuing tantrems and consequent need to amuse said offspring - this must be done in another room outside of earshot of the main viewing area; I would recommend that you negate the offsprings reaction away from the house, preferably in a location which is free to enter and which does not involve any kind of retail experience for either yourself or said offspring

15) If any of the matches have a 17.00 kickoff, then I will be home early from work - please do not take this early return as an excuse for us to have quality time together and for me to resume family duties which have historically been performed by yourself. Please continue in a manner in which you would have had I not been present in the family home; unless of course this involved your presence in the main viewing area. Any household tasks which you usually perform in this area will be expected to have been completed at least 1 hour before my earlier than usual return - I will inform you of applicable dates that this rule applies on the night before said day.

16) If any of your so-called favourite programmes clash with any matches then I will expect you to record these said programmes via the Sky+ functionality of the SkyHD box, and watch said programmes at a time when I am either asleep or away from the family home. As you are extremely adept at using Ebay then I presume that you can find the relevant downloadable instructions - for Sky+ - from the many websites on the internet. Should you dare to ask me how to perform this simple task then I will look at you in disapproval and will immediately start subconsciously looking for a newer more technologically adept partner - possibly starting with many of the younger nubile females at my place of work whom you are already wary of, thus increasing your sense of insecurity and leading you to have sleepless nights about my fidelity.

17) Similarly, should you not adhere to rules 13, 14, or 15, then I will also be forced to start acting in a way which is described in the last sentence of rule no.16.