[Si01327]

Hi all.

A little advice or some thoughts please.

I've been with my partner for over 10 years now and have seen her two kids grow up from little kids to the teenagers they are today. The oldest turned 16 last year and had her first boyfriend a few months prior to her birthday. He's a nice lad and, like all teenagers in love I guess, spends an awful lot of time with her both at our house and his. However I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him! His parents are definitely a lot more relaxed with the "rules" when they're together than we are. We've asked that she doesn't shut her door when they're in the room together and they refrain from going OTT with affection when they're in our company (you might laugh at this last bit but we had real problems in the first few months with them literally necking each other at any opportunity, regardless of the company they were in!). Now, I'm not naive by any means, nor is my partner, and we both know like most teenagers these days they get up to stuff when we're not around. I'm grateful that my partner has a good relationship with her as they talk about pretty much everything but neither of us are comfortable with the fact that we know they get up to stuff when we're not around. However I guess I'm a bit more stressed about it than my partner is! This leads on to my question. The daughter is due to finish school shortly for study leave and then exams. Once the exams are finished she's then got a large amount of time off before she starts college in September. She seems to think she's going to spend the whole time with her boyfriend and makes no secret of saying how they're going to spend the days watching daytime TV, doing workout DVD's together, watching films etc etc. Don't get me wrong, she's definitely earned the right to some well-deserved rest as she's working so hard for her exams and I don't begrudge her that at all. What I'm not happy about though is her and the boyfriend being left alone in the house all day every day and I want to know if people think I'm being unreasonable by suggesting that she isn't in our house on her own with her boyfriend? Obviously I can't control what she does when she isn't at ours but I genuinely am not comfortable at all at the thought of the two of them on their own in our house. People will say it's about trust but personally I don't feel happy using that as an excuse at all.

Sorry to ramble on but it's bothering me a lot at the moment. It's a delicate subject at home as well so I figured I'd see what other people thought (or what they've done in similar situations) before I bite the bullet and sit down with my partner to sort it all out.

Thanks.

Si

[IronGiant]

Personally, I'd just as soon they were doing things in the safety and security of my house than elsewhere that might be less safe.

You can quote that back to me in 6 years time when my daughter is 16 and I come over all over-protective

[Kebabhead]

Are you concerned more about the house becoming a knocking shop or the girl getting pregnant

[Si01327]

Originally Posted by Kebabhead

Are you concerned more about the house becoming a knocking shop or the girl getting pregnant

??

As I said, just not comfortable with her being left on her own in the house with the boyfriend. Some might say what you don't know can't hurt you but I'm just not happy at the thought of what they might be getting up to when we're not there. I accept that I have no control outside of our house but would like to think I can still have some control within it. I'm just interested to see what others would do/have done in a similar situation. People at work seem to think I should just let it go but none of them have a 16 year old daughter!! (I know she's not my own but I'd like to think I've treated her as if she was over the past 10 years).

[russ123]

I've no direct experience of this but if I understand correctly you seem to be accepting of the fact that it is going on but just don't want it under your own roof.
I've personally never understood that angle and if it is clearly happening anyway just think you are inviting problems or deceit unneccessarlily if you attempt to ban it.
Maybe expressing your wishes / feelings is the best way and then hope for the best.

[FZR400RRSP]

I fully understand your plight, it's not something I'd be comfy with either.
They'll get up to something 'wherever', I'm aware of that.
At the same time, I don't see why I should make it easy for some teenage scrote to 'have his way' with my daughter by providing comfy surroundings to do it.
Watching my telly and raiding my fridge as well?
I see that as well and truly taking the mickey.
I know I'll have a problem with it too, 100%.
I'm getting slightly wound up just thinking about it, and it's 7 years away for our eldest daughter!

[liamt]

Originally Posted by IronGiant

Personally, I'd just as soon they were doing things in the safety and security of my house than elsewhere that might be less safe.

You can quote that back to me in 6 years time when my daughter is 16 and I come over all over-protective

+1

as long as they are safe what is the issue?

OP: can you use paragraphs in future. man, that was hard to read.

[KyleS1]

Originally Posted by liamt

+1

as long as they are safe what is the issue?

OP: can you use paragraphs in future. man, that was hard to read.

Do you have a daughter? If not, you might think differently when the time comes. I have a daughter and already dreading her getting to that age, and she isn't even 1 yet!!!

[Kebabhead]

Originally Posted by KyleS1

Do you have a daughter? If not, you might think differently when the time comes. I have a daughter and already dreading her getting to that age, and she isn't even 1 yet!!!

I do but you have to accept that no matter what you do they will always be up to something

[liamt]

nah, i have a son. he will be impregnating all your daughters!

to be honest i would probably be like that with a girl. the thing is you cant stop it. better doing it indoors in a clean environment with protection than in some woods, alley etc.

i find parents who try to shelter their kids end up having kids that dont trust them or they just go off the rails like i did. naivete doesnt help anyone and often just makes them worse. look at how bad some catholic school girls can be and girls from all girls school.

[KyleS1]

Originally Posted by Kebabhead

I do but you have to accept that no matter what you do they will always be up to something

I know, but am still dreading it!

[liamt]

Originally Posted by KyleS1

Do you have a daughter? If not, you might think differently when the time comes. I have a daughter and already dreading her getting to that age, and she isn't even 1 yet!!!

you can always have the 'dad' chat with the young lad. say you will break his legs if he messes her about. that often does the trick

[KyleS1]

Originally Posted by liamt

nah, i have a son. he will be impregnating all your daughters!

to be honest i would probably be like that with a girl. the thing is you cant stop it. better doing it indoors in a clean environment with protection than in some woods, alley etc.

i find parents who try to shelter their kids end up having kids that dont trust them or they just go off the rails like i did. naivete doesnt help anyone and often just makes them worse. look at how bad some catholic school girls can be and girls from all girls school.

I will be signing her up to be a nun.

[KyleS1]

Originally Posted by liamt

you can always have the 'dad' chat with the young lad. say you will break his legs if he messes her about. that often does the trick

Depends how big he is and how old I am!

[liamt]

Originally Posted by KyleS1

Depends how big he is and how old I am!

true. better take up martial arts now i guess!

[Si01327]

Thanks for the responses so far. Seems a bit of a mixed bag so to answer some of the questions:

Are we accepting of the fact it's going on but just don't want it under our roof?

Absolutely not, but as I said we can't control what she gets up to when she's not with us. Rightly or wrongly, if I could I would, but realistically that's never going to happen.

Kebabhead

I do but you have to accept that no matter what you do they will always be up to something

So do I assume that you'd be happy to leave your 16 year old daughter at home alone with her boyfriend then? I'm not trying to provoke anything btw, just curious as to whether I'm out of touch with how things are these days!

I should add we haven't discussed anything with her yet so I might be surprised to find she understands and agrees not to have him round when she's on her own. Unfortunately I fear the reality will be a major argument/strop until she gets her own way!

[IL Cattivo]

These kinds of situations always remind me of the Reggie & Marcus dating scene from the film Bad Boys II.

Viewer discression advised: Adult theme
bad boys II 2 reggie & marcus best dating scene - YouTube

[FZR400RRSP]

Originally Posted by IL Cattivo

These kinds of situations always remind me of the Reggie & Marcus dating scene from the film Bad Boys II.

Viewer discression advised: Adult theme
bad boys II 2 reggie & marcus best dating scene - YouTube

That scene should be a blueprint as to how to greet boyfriends.

[Kebabhead]

Originally Posted by Si01327

So do I assume that you'd be happy to leave your 16 year old daughter at home alone with her boyfriend then? I'm not trying to provoke anything btw, just curious as to whether I'm out of touch with how things are these days!

Weren't you young once

[Si01327]

Originally Posted by Kebabhead

Weren't you young once

*sigh*

If you'd rather not answer the question then no problem but I was just wondering if you'd apply your own advice with your daughter? Call me old fashioned, out of touch, over-protective, naive, whatever you like - I personally don't like the thought of her at 16 years of age getting up to stuff in my house, or anywhere else for that matter. I know compared to when I was her age that society nowadays seems to accept kids having sex a lot earlier than it did back then. I'm just trying to figure out whether I'm in a minority or not at the moment, hence posting on here.

Ultimately she's not my daughter so I would have to respect what her mum/dad decide is ok and what isn't. That doesn't mean to say I have to agree with it, but I don't want a massive fall-out over the whole thing.

[KyleS1]

Originally Posted by IL Cattivo

These kinds of situations always remind me of the Reggie & Marcus dating scene from the film Bad Boys II.

Viewer discression advised: Adult theme
bad boys II 2 reggie & marcus best dating scene - YouTube

That. Is. Awesome. I had forgotten all about that scene.

Back to OP.
I do agree with you, but I am still young-ish (30) and already foresee me being an incredibly over protective father when the time comes. It's an incredibly hard thing to judge, not know you, your daughter or your relationship, but if you have a good relationship, a simple conversation may easy your worries.
But like others have said, if they are going to be doing this stuff anyway, it is better that it is in a safe clean environment, but ask me again in 16 years!

[Gavtech]

Originally Posted by Si01327

I personally don't like the thought of her at 16 years of age getting up to stuff in my house, or anywhere else for that matter.

Would it not be better if you came to grips with the reality of this for the sake of her protection and safety.

You suggest that her protection is your motivation here but you seem more concerned about control... or whether or not your own sensibilities are offended.

The fact is that if those two are ready for sex, then a crowbar will not prise them apart, and, if that is the case then it would be far better for everyone's happiness that they could do it in a safe and secure place, and that you ensured that she was informed and in control of herself enough to protect herself from impregnation, disease, and even unwanted sex if she does not feel she is ready for it.

I suspect that moment is long past, but the principle stands.
Intolerance of it will not prevent it happening, and makes negative fallout much more likely to occur.

If she were under my care, I would prefer her indulging in the activities of sexual awakening under my roof where I would be in the best position to ensure her protection... not driving her elsewhere to do it.

[Si01327]

Thanks for the comments/advice from those that gave it. Seems perhaps I am in a minority these days with the way I think! Had a chat with my partner last night and we're going to sit down with her in the next week or so to talk about arrangements for the next few months.

It's strange that I always thought I wouldn't get bothered by situations like this as she's not my own flesh and blood but I couldn't have been more wrong! Perhaps my dad was right - boys are easier in the long term!!

Thanks again all.

Si

[Kebabhead]

Originally Posted by Si01327

*sigh*

If you'd rather not answer the question then no problem but I was just wondering if you'd apply your own advice with your daughter?

If i left my daugter alone in the house whilst on holiday I would be more concerned about the state of the house when I came back if she had decided to have parties whilst I was away.

Sex in my house ok I wouldn't like it but there is nothing I could do unless I force her to wear a chastity belt

[Orson]

Originally Posted by liamt

you can always have the 'dad' chat with the young lad. say you will break his legs if he messes her about. that often does the trick

I remember getting that talk in a particularly menacing way from one girls Dad back when I was a lad...

I left a used condom by his bedside, leaving him in no doubt...

Mind you, I never went back!



But now to reality, and as amusing (and true) as that story is, obviously her dad went mad, and just as obviously, I didn't want anything to do with her (self preservation etc), which caused her and her dad to have an almighty row, and she subsequently left home (we were both 17), and certainly for the couple of years I continued to know her, she had very little contact with her parents.
Now I'm not saying that there weren't other problems, but that was certainly the catalyst for a major rift in their relationship.

So OP, please be careful in your handling, and don't go issuing threats or ultimatums. Lets face it, with hormones doing what they do at that age, it is very natural for them to want to.

For me, the highest priority would be to make sure she understands about protection, but also about the possible consequences of sex, not only from the pregnancy side, but from what will happen when other people find out, and what they may think of her, because lets face it, he will want to tell everyone.
And I'd also certainly go through some STD's with her, which may be enough to put her off on it own!

[shodan]

When my little girl is older and boys start sniffing around, they'll be lucky if its only like that scene from Bad Boys... I'll be sitting there cleaning guns and sharpening knives and telling them their fortune....

[gamingboy]

I think you have to accept that it's going to happen.

If you make it a no go, then it's just makes it more appealing.

If you are close already then you can have a sit down. Explain that whilst you were at high school, college, uni etc you knew plenty of guys that were just after one thing. Wanted to just add another notch to the bedpost etc. You want her to be sure that he's right for her. Even if we all know that's he's not and he'll soon be gone, or she might get sick of him. Ask her if she knows about std's and how they can be transmitted. Explain all you want to does talk about it first to put your mind at rest that school/her friends haven't got it wrong. That way you're not lecturing.

Explain that you understand now she is on her way to becoming an adult and it's time for her to start making her own decisions. As let's face it she is and has to.

You put the responsibility on her shoulders and now it doesn't just seem like a bit of fun. It comes with a whole eye opening reality. Std's, pregnancy, body confidence etc.

Basically let her know that you understand what she wants and how she feels and that you just want her to be careful.

You'll come across as the cool stepdad who cares and understands.

I understand you want to say no, not under my roof. And she may respect that and do it at his mates house.

[MikeP1]

It's such a hard issue. I have a very young son & I only really think I'll want to make sure he is being careful etc.

But I also have a couple of neice's & the thought of some little... trying to come on to them makes me angry, let along what it must be like for those with daughters.

As hard as it is, the more understanding you can be & determine what boundaries you would like her to work within. Then try to calmly explain the boundary, the reason for them & hopefully get her buy-in. If you use sensible boundaries that are motivated by her safety she should understand.

I don't envy your situation, I'm hoping if we have another kid it will be another boy just to avoid these problems. Good luck

[paulmcp2403]

ok I dont want to get into a big psychology lesson here so I'll kep it simply...

You are not being unreasonable...its down to your lack of trust...trust breeds respect...and remember Kids are a product of parenting...I think you need to talk to her...not your partner...tis far to easy to to say oh my partner has a wonderful relationship with my daughter...what about you?

You cite trust as an excuse by people posting on here but its a clear part of your predicament...its clear you dont trust her...so you need to talk to her about this...but before you do you need to accept young people do things that adults dont agree with...its part of growing up....but trust me....honesty will help your relationship with her grow...remember you will probabaly be the one the one who needs to pick up the pieces if her relationship with this boy fails...just remember that if you love her....

[SBT]

I wouldn't even allow him in the house,and i definately wouldn't allow her to stay at his house.

Didn't allow my daughter to start dating until she was 18,and even then i had to meet the boy first.