A tosspot writes...

the_pauley · 19-05-2005, 4:18 PM

Just stumbled on this while on Amazon.

Funniest thing I have read in ages. Check out his reviews for "Sgt Pepper", "Pet Sounds" and Blonde On Blonde".

The reviews of "Fight Club" and "2001" are a hoot too.

Note how in the header he describes himself as a "Teenage Genious" - while failing to spell the word "genius" correctly.

The entire downside of The Internet condensed into three glorious pages!

Miyazaki · 19-05-2005, 4:22 PM

He is obviously a wind-up merchant.

Miyazaki · 19-05-2005, 4:25 PM

He gave ***** to 'Kangaroo Jack'

the_pauley · 19-05-2005, 4:25 PM

My impression at first, but after having read everything on there I'm not so sure.

He's American, a teenager and he's on The Internet. How scary is that?

Mroizouk · 19-05-2005, 4:41 PM

What a ja-fool.

I like how he puts "later." at the end of each verbal excretion like he's got a fanbase who are waiting to see what he'll write next!

nice stumble, the-pauley

Mroizouk · 19-05-2005, 4:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mroizouk

I like how he puts "later." at the end of each verbal excretion like he's got a fanbase who are waiting to see what he'll write next!

haha, and here's us reading it!

the_pauley · 19-05-2005, 4:51 PM

I'm his Number One fan...

Kenny Glasgow · 19-05-2005, 6:04 PM

His review of 2001 is a must read

Marc · 19-05-2005, 6:13 PM

love the review of fight club..

"Anyways, if I were you I would only get this DVD to fast forward to all the great fighting, skip all of the long talking parts, and all parts with the girl because they will bore you to death."

by 'long talking parts' i assume he means the plot?

Mroizouk · 19-05-2005, 6:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amazon tosspot

However, there were far too many boring talking parts that were WAY over your average viewers head (even mine).

Yeah, Fight Club really is marred by all the over-complicated scenes of characters talking . If this sage reviewer can't make out the dull talking parts, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Gotta love this comment from the Donnie Darko director's cut review:

Quote:

Originally Posted by amazon tosspot

First things first, when I rent a movie that I hear involves Mr. Swayze, I automatically assume that he will be featured in the lead role. Patrick is a major player that shouldn't be pushed to such a small part in favor of the kid from Spiderman. Where as this kid just mumbled and drooped his way through the Donnie Darko part, Patrick Swayze would have provided much more life and charisma which was sorely lacking.

Is he suggesting Donnie should have been played by Patrick Swayze?

I'll be looking out for this guy in future. Cracking!

Marc · 19-05-2005, 6:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mroizouk

Yeah, Fight Club really is marred by all the over-complicated scenes of characters talking . If this sage reviewer can't make out the dull talking parts, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Gotta love this comment from the Donnie Darko director's cut review:

Is he suggesting Donnie should have been played by Patrick Swayze?

I'll be looking out for this guy in future. Cracking!

get the feeling he missed the point? donnie was meant to me dreary as he was depressed and on all kinds of meds, and who the heck did jake gyllenhall play in spiderman?

manny · 19-05-2005, 9:51 PM

genius-sorry genious!!! i haven't read them all yet, but yes, he's obviously a bit of a comedian. he reviewed a lawnmower for god's sake!! nice to see someone taking the whole review thing to it's true level of meaninglesness (is that a word?).
the sad thing is, the real middle-american teenagers who will read them and take them seriously...and yes, the uk, and the rest of the world, has middle american teenagers now. lars von trier isn't wrong (on that anyway).

manny · 19-05-2005, 10:26 PM

you gotta read his finding nemo review, i'll never see it again without thinking "filet o' fish", bwah ha ha...

bowenjones · 19-05-2005, 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by manny

the sad thing is, the real middle-american teenagers who will read them and take them seriously

Well, a total of 63 people thought he was helpful ......

out of 540!!!!
I think he's after Paul Ross' job!

the_pauley · 20-05-2005, 12:28 AM

I've been reading again and I've changed my mind. I think it's a spoof.

Too articulate at times for one so inarticulate at other times.

We could be in at the birth of a cult figure.

Or maybe it's real...

I dunno.

Mroizouk · 20-05-2005, 9:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Howard Tuttleman, legend

It's ridiculous when I think about all of the times I've been in trouble, and how it's always someone else to blame, but they pin it on good-ol' Tuttleman anyways. They see me as an easy-target because of my brute-strength and strong belief in self-defense methods. The best example was when last year, my dad had just sprayed some kind of chemical on the lawn and told me to make sure that no one walked on it for the rest of the day. I guarded that lawn like a HAWK from the porch. The stupid paper-kid rode his bike right through my perimeter so I had to take action due to my dad's orders. I used the garden hose as sort of a lasso, simply to try to gently pull him and his bicyle from the lawn onto the drive-way. Well, the kid ended up coming off of the bike and re-injuring an old foot-sprain that he got earlier that year. The kid TOTALLY sold the injury like he was dying, and his family threatened legal action against me. Of course, I'M the one who my dad was mad at even though I was just following orders. Now, since we are not allowed to recieve the Detroit Free Press anymore, I am now forced to pick up the paper for my dad every day as some kind of passive-aggressive punishment.

LOL

It does all seem a bit tongue-in-cheek...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Howard Tuttleman, legend

Over the last weekend, I was preparing to meet my friend Lyle at the local Cineplex to see the latest installment of what I can tell as the next big action franchise "XXX". This one features a great action star named Ice Cube (he was SWEET in Torque). Anywho, as I was getting ready, dad interrupted me and commanded that I cut the grass before I leave. I still had about an hour and half before the movie started so I was okay with it.

We have a decent size lot, so it takes a while to cut the lawn, plus my dad is pretty anal about how the lawn looks. He makes you cut the grass in a criss-cross pattern something like a golf course. Everything was going good, I was making good time. Then, it happened. While I was cutting next to the house I ran over the droppings of my dog Morris and due to the side discharge on the lawn mower, no joke, dog poop was flung all over the front of the house.

Dad came out and started yelling at me because a piece of Morris's offerings splattered on the window next to him. He made me clean-up the mess and after I finished cutting the grass. None-the-less I ended up missing the movie and had to reschedule for the next day.

In conclusion, The Black & Decker Lawn Hog (I love the name, Lawn Hog, it's so tough) has the capabilities to cut grass like any top of the line lawnmower, plus has the added feature of flinging poo like a primate.

This guy is ridiculous! I think you're right, the-pauley about him being suspiciously eloquent at times. Nary a spelling mistake either, which I'd definately expect given some of the ***** he comes out with!

Probably some bored college kids. I guess it would be funnier still if it was a genuine guy though!

AgentCool · 20-05-2005, 10:05 AM

I don't care if this kid is for real or not, the fact is that he is clearly a complete ******. Having read some of his reviews, I feel like throwing up all over him like the kid does in the 'Finding Nemo' review. He claims to be a genius but cannot spell or even get his facts right. He seems to think 'Nemo' is meant to be realistic and thinks the characters are puppets. He also thinks that Jake Gyllenhall was in Spider-Man.

This kid should be put down.

the_pauley · 20-05-2005, 10:12 AM

Quote:

I don't care if this kid is for real or not, the fact is that he is clearly a complete ******. Having read some of his reviews, I feel like throwing up all over him like the kid does in the 'Finding Nemo' review. He claims to be a genius but cannot spell or even get his facts right. He seems to think 'Nemo' is meant to be realistic and thinks the characters are puppets. He also thinks that Jake Gyllenhall was in Spider-Man.

This kid should be put down.

Getting the distinct feeling this isn't a kid at all.

If he's not for real then all of mistakes and thicko attitude will all be part of the act.

If it's a spoof then it's a very good one and great fun. If it's not, then it's very scary and even more fun!

Loved the "Sgt Pepper" review where he wondered if they'd made the album after Lennon had died, and failed to see the name "The Beatles" on the front of the sleeve!

Buck Swope · 20-05-2005, 4:24 PM

Quote:

Anyways, my mom came out and started yelling at me. I told her I wasnt' allowed to talk about Fight Club, and she got really angry. When she finally went inside the house, I fought the mailbox.

on Donnie Darko:

Quote:

Oh yeah, and Drew Barymore is in it for like a minute, apparently trying to kill her momentum built up by actual good movies like Charly's Angels. I swear that she was probably only in it to pay off a drug debt or something.

Pure. Comedic. Genious!!!

goodtimes · 20-05-2005, 9:33 PM

this guy/girl doesnt read like a kid some words he chooses just dont sound like a kids mentality.
I love him he/she, Im out for all the entertainent I can get these days.
On a bit more sober note I really find it hard to choose new music based on music reviews I read on amazon, I always look at the reviewers history and try to make a judgment on the reviewer than on the cd/dvd. They dont give a definative score on SQ or Video Q you dont know if they really know.
Ive seen some real crap reviews on some products from reviewers who dont understand the music they are reviewing
Perhaps this person is taking the mickey out of all of those reviewers after all who would give 1 star on a cd they hadnt even heard.

Im his no2 fan
I hope he will do a review on ROTS when its out on DVD

Mep · 21-05-2005, 7:58 AM

he is clearly a comedian...don't get upset people (he doesn't really think the fish are puppets or that the talking in fight club ruins it...

!)...I expect his plan is to publish a book of his spoof reviews......great find 'the pauly'....this guy is really funny!

Gorshin · 30-05-2005, 8:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marc_angelus

by 'long talking parts' i assume he means the plot?

CrispyXUK · 31-05-2005, 1:50 PM

Anyway, Im off to rent Planet of the Apes

eviljohn2 · 31-05-2005, 3:22 PM

The Jack Frost review is great.

Added to my bookmarks as I don't want to spoil myself with so much fun reading in one day...

the_pauley · 16-10-2005, 12:34 AM

Bump.

The reviews continue!!! Check out his latest batch.

Brilliance!

Kenny Glasgow · 16-10-2005, 9:05 AM

Must get some bear repelent

manny · 16-10-2005, 9:58 PM

i don't know if any of you noticed, but he now has his own website! howardtuttleman.com. you can even buy a howard tuttleman pin badge! i don't know how long i can resist getting one!

Adrenochrome · 16-10-2005, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by manny

i don't know if any of you noticed, but he now has his own website! howardtuttleman.com. you can even buy a howard tuttleman pin badge! i don't know how long i can resist getting one!

Ordered mine today

Pbryanw · 17-10-2005, 12:13 AM

On Pink Moon by Nick Drake

Quote:

Originally Posted by tuttleman

This Nick Drake seems like too much of a guy that just makes songs for commercials, and that is how he's getting famous. I do really like his new song he did for the Oreo Cookies commercial. The cd is an okay buy if you don't mind supporting a guy that seems to write song exclusively to sell products in commercials.

Almost tragic. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. A great find however. If it's true then when the Film's coming out.