[Bill Hicks]

Well someone had to get this thread started, so here goes......

A man is in a forrest and he is caught in a terrible thunderstorm. He is getting soaked to the bone. The lightning is flashing, the thunder is booming & the gails are almost blowing the trees down! He needs to find shelter quick. He comes across a creepy old house in a clearing and proceeds to knock on the front door. He knocks several times before he hears footsteps from the other side of the door approaching. The door slowly opens revealing an old crone with a candle.
"Please old lady, could you be so kind to offer me shelter for the night, so that I can get out of this terrible storm" He asks. "Very well" She replies. " I have a room on the top floor" He follows her up the creaky old stairs to the room. " I must thank you old lady for the generosity you have shown me" He says to her. She quickly lets him into the bedroom, and then without making a sound proceeds back downstairs. The man takes off his wet shoes and soaked shirt, but before he can put them both by the roaring fire he here's a strange sound............ WRAP................WRAP.................WRAP
He wonders what could be making such a weird sound. After a hasty look around he notices that it is coming from behind his bedroom door. He opens the door expecting to find the culprit standing there, but all he hears is the sound. WRAP.............WRAP...............WRAP.
He now hears that it is coming from further down the corridor, in fact it seems to be coming from behind a cupboard door. He nervously walks down the corridor and stops at the door, and from the other side he hears the unmistakable sound again! WRAP..................WRAP.....................WRA P.
He grips the door handle tightly, terrified sweaty palms almost causing his grip to fail. The pure terror obvious in his bulging red eyes. He takes a deep breath and yanks the door open! yes, yes, yes! For the love of all humanity. THERE IT WAS............................................... ............................................

[funkyspider]

Its the script for an episode of "Most Haunted".

I'm glad I didn't read that at 11:23 last night when you posted it. I'd never have got to sleep.

[RockStrongo]

Am I the only one who doesn't get this?

[GasDad]

No

[NewMan]

Err, no. No you're not...

[snellfish]

about as funny as bill hicks

[sleepyone]

I found the following mildly amusing:


There's a chap on the front door and a man answers.

'Good morning sir, i'm from tv licensing and we need to check your license'

'Oh right', said the man, 'i'm just on my way to work but my wife will get it for you, it's on the mantelpiece behind the clock.'

'Mildred, the man shouts 'come speak to the TV License man I'm off to work.'
and off he trots down the garden path

Mildred comes to the door and ask 'Yes, what can i do for you?'

'I've come to check your TV license,' he says, 'I believe its on the mantelpiece behind the clock'

Mildred looks impressed and says 'Oooo, that's some van you got isn't it!'

[zmoosa1]

Originally Posted by sleepyone

Mildred looks impressed and says 'Oooo, that's some van you got isn't it!'

Nice one!

[sleepyone]

Sadly not my own work, my dad's been telling this one for at least 20 years

[Miyazaki]

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?





It's weasily done because they are stotally different.

And....

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot.


Well it did say worst joke ever and surely they are contenders?

[zmoosa1]

Why am I enjoying these more that the 'Best ever Jokes' thread??

Somebody get me a straightjacket!

[imightbewrong]

Originally Posted by Bill Hicks

Well someone had to get this thread started, so here goes......

THERE IT WAS............................................... ............................................

Is the joke that there's no joke?

[marty2005]

A Man chats a chick up in a bar.

"How about I take you back to your place for sex?", he says.

"No", she says, "I'm on my menstrual cycle"

"I'll meet ya there, I've got my Yamaha cycle parked outside", replies man.

[Miyazaki]

I told this one to the missus and I had to duck pretty quickly.

Why did God give women legs?

He's seen the mess snails and slugs make.

[SimonH]

Originally Posted by RockStrongo

Am I the only one who doesn't get this?

Well the thread is entitled "Worst Joke Ever", so I guess as it lacks any humour whatsoever other than the fact it lacks any humour, in an off kilter / surrealist way it is indeed the worst joke ever.

[phil t]

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[SimonH]

Originally Posted by phil t

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

To amusing to be in this thread..

[Bill Hicks]

Originally Posted by SimonH

Well the thread is entitled "Worst Joke Ever", so I guess as it lacks any humour whatsoever other than the fact it lacks any humour, in an off kilter / surrealist way it is indeed the worst joke ever.

Wrapping paper.
Geddit! Thats what he finds behind the door making the Wrap......... Wrap sound. Ha, ha, ha!

[SimonH]

Originally Posted by Bill Hicks

Wrapping paper.
Geddit! Thats what he finds behind the door making the Wrap......... Wrap sound. Ha, ha, ha!

I actually thought you were being rather clever with a different approach to the worst joke ever .. I'm afraid I'm actually more confused now at the explanation.

[Bill Hicks]

Originally Posted by SimonH

I actually thought you were being rather clever with a different approach to the worst joke ever .. I'm afraid I'm actually more confused now at the explanation.

Mabe this is not the real punchline?
WOOOHAAHAARRRRRRRWWWWWWWWW!!!!

[marty2005]

I told this one to the missus and I had to duck pretty quickly.

Why did God give women legs?

He's seen the mess snails and slugs make.

I was telling that joke when I was about 5yrs old except we told it slightly different. I won't post it as it is a bit offensive.

[IAN P]

Originally Posted by phil t

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Wrong thread mate,should go in the best joke thread,

[signs]

Originally Posted by phil t

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[jaketheb]

George Walker Bush is the worst joke ever.

[pave]

A man walks into a bar............



Should always look where you are going....

[gadget boy]

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

Worst Limerick Ever...

There was a young man from Dundee
Who got stung in the neck by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said "Not at all"
"It can do it again if it likes"

[basser]

whats big and black ,and sails the seven seas?

Binbag the sailor

[SibTiger33]

Originally Posted by phil t

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

should be in the best joke thread... great stuff

[steptoe]

SOME OLD...SOME NEW...---AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED....



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....
..............................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
..............................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
...............................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....

.............................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The
woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
..............................................
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..
And that's when the fight started....
.............................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....

..............................................

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

.............................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .........................
...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN The
woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .........................
...................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .........................
..........

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .........................
......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

[Chadford]

Did you hear about the dyslexic heavy metal fan who sold his soul to Santa.