[Marc]

I'm finding myself unable to sleep because i'm really stressed out about moving house on Friday.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years, and been living together for a year and decided to get a bigger place because at the moment all our stuff is just piled in corners of every room

Trouble is, with the move fast approaching i'm beginning to think the house we're moving to isn't what i want, and i don't know what to do about it.

All i wanted was 1) a square/rectangular room i could use for my AV setup, and 2) a house that was within walking distance from the train station. The rest of the house i don't care about, i left those decisions up to her.

The flat we chose seemed to more or less fit the bill, with a nice large rectangular lounge with a bay window in which to sit the TV, and although it is about a mile and a half from the train station (i wanted a mile or less), it's still kind of walkable, although further than i'd like first thing in the morning/after a day at work, but the house is really big for the rent (£645pcm) with 2 bedrooms, a large lounge and a large kitchen so i figured it was a sacrifice i was willing to make.

An attic conversion would make a great bedroom, and the other room, although a bit tatty would be great as a guest room.

However after putting down our deposit, we found out the landlady had accepted someone else's as well, and we had to have an "interview" with her, as did the other couple, so she could choose who to let move in. Obviously we came out on top there, but it left a sour taste in my mouth about the landlady and the house, having to tell her every little detail about our lives and basically kiss her ass for half an hour.

It's also since transpired that there's an elderly lady living in the flat below and her bedroom is right beneath the room i wanted as my 'home cinema' so i can't put it there anymore because of the noise, and instead i've been relegated to the attic conversion with sloping walls from waist height, open plan to the staircase, so nowhere to put my many book(dvd)cases and possibly acoustically crap to boot.

So now i'm 0 for 2 for the things i wanted, and it feels like i've been shanghai'd into this move and i'm feeling tempted to phone up my current agent and ask if i can stay here, although that would likely spell the end for this relationship..

any advice you can offer an insomniac at 1:20 in the morning?

Thanks

Marc

[Jay]

To be honest there is nothing worse than doing something that you're not 100% about. It won't be nice regretting your decision, and then being in a situation whereby you feel stuck. But you mention that if you go against the grain it could spell an end to your relationship. How much does the relationship mean to you? Is it worth losing? If you have to even think about the answer to the last question then you know what you should do....

[Marc]

*sigh* that's probably the crux of it, i really don't know what's going on with us anymore, when she's working late shifts i actually feel glad because i get to watch dvd's or play 360 games rather than watching some **** on freeview

at least in the new house i can put my 2nd tv in another room and she can watch freeview on that leaving me free to watch dvd's in the attic.. but what sort of relationship is it if you're always in seperate rooms..

[Jay]

Originally Posted by Marc

*sigh* that's probably the crux of it, i really don't know what's going on with us anymore, when she's working late shifts i actually feel glad because i get to watch dvd's or play 360 games rather than watching some **** on freeview

at least in the new house i can put my 2nd tv in another room and she can watch freeview on that leaving me free to watch dvd's in the attic.. but what sort of relationship is it if you're always in seperate rooms..

I know the feeling, I've recently split with my gfriend. At the start it was great, but then my hobbies started causing arguments. You don't mention a similar problem, so she is fine with you doing activites that don't involve her indoors, be it watching dvd's, pc use etc. I know that obviously in any relationship you can't be side by side every spare moment of the day but in my case, any minute I would be in a different room would result in the "that's more important than me" speech. To be honest I would sometimes think about it after and think that maybe I was in the wrong but it is normal to do your own thing.

Has your relationship been like this for a while (meaning the seperate activites), has it gotten more frequent?

Obviously I don't know how your relationship is, but if it was anything like my previous one, you might be better concentrating on yourself. It seems to me like your not at all sure what you want, and the relationship doesn't seem like first priority. (I don't mean anything offensively by the way).

[Jay]

A little insight into what I was going thinking at the time

Does Xbox ruin your marriage?

You mention similar symptoms to what I was having and in the end we drifted apart and the relationship ended. It could obviously be totally different for yourself, and I wouldn't wish for anyones relationship to end, but I think you need to think long and hard. Because even though the bulk of your post is about the negatives of the place you are about to move into, I can't help but read into the relationship side and think that maybe you're more unsure about that than anything else.

Ah what do I know..I'm just looking too deep into it probably.....I'll get my coat

[Marc]

no offense taken, i do like my alone time and i don't get much of it in the current place as there's just the lounge and the bedroom. Basically i like playing on my pc or xbox 360 or watching dvd's/hd-dvd's

But unless she's working a late shift, i get home from work later than her, and when i get home the freeview is on, normally with queued up recordings of home and away or the 50 daily incarnations of big brother, and i don't get a look in all night, so i spend every night on the pc all night, the unwatched dvd's mount up, there are still xbox games in their shrink wrap etc

don't get me wrong, we do enjoy each others company, but she won't play xbox games, and she won't watch 90% of the movies i own, so it's freeview every night and i didn't spend thousands on av equipment for that..

i know this probably sounds really selfish but it's how i feel.. maybe having a bigger house will fix the problems which is probably why i've been going along with it, but now having my home cinema room gotten rid of to all intents and purposes has really hit a nerve and is making me question everything.

[Marc]

Originally Posted by New Era

A little insight into what I was going thinking at the time

Does Xbox ruin your marriage?

You mention similar symptoms to what I was having and in the end we drifted apart and the relationship ended. It could obviously be totally different for yourself, and I wouldn't wish for anyones relationship to end, but I think you need to think long and hard. Because even though the bulk of your post is about the negatives of the place you are about to move into, I can't help but read into the relationship side and think that maybe you're more unsure about that than anything else.

Ah what do I know..I'm just looking too deep into it probably.....I'll get my coat

i just read your post and it does ring true a bit. when i'm playing computer games, it's "oh i'm bored, can we watch a movie" and then she says no to every movie i pick and we spend about an hour trying to pick one, then it's gotten late and she ends up putting the freeview on

but if she's watching freeview and i say "lets watch a movie" it's either the scenario above, or "oh i need to watch this recording" or "it's getting too late for a movie"

and the other night i just put on a movie and it was "i didn't say whether i wanted to watch that one" so i said "well i asked and you didn't answer so i put it on, if you don't want to watch it go and do something else" which gave her the hump

i can't win lol

[Jay]

What I'm about to say may come across as selfish, and I know that you need to compromise in life. I'm not expecting to meet anyone that will let me do what I want when I want and not say a word. But life is too short and you need to make yourself happy, I must say that it is great not having to worry about whether what I'm doing is selfish or whether she who must be obeyed will have the hump When I want to watch tv, I watch it, when I want to go on the pc I do etc.

I think that you probably need to think about what would make you happy, would the scenario of you living alone and doing as you please without having to worry about your actions annoying someone or having to hold back from doing activites that you want to do etc sound more appealing than the scenario you're in now?

[Jay]

Originally Posted by Marc

i can't win lol

Thats true, you never can with women. You basically have to agree with what they want to do in order to keep things sweet. It's always one rule for them and one for you.

A classic women rule is with regards to going out. If you want to go out and they don't want you to, then you are selfish for even considering it.

If you try and tell them to not go out then you are selfish for even considering that

[Marc]

i think i've been pondering that for the last year.. which kinda says it all really i suppose

anyway, thanks for the chat, nice to have someone to vent to.. i'm going to go back to bed and see if i can get a bit of sleep before the alarm goes off at 6

oh and i'm going to delete all the email receipts for this conversation, just in case..

[Jay]

Originally Posted by Marc

i think i've been pondering that for the last year.. which kinda says it all really i suppose

anyway, thanks for the chat, nice to have someone to vent to.. i'm going to go back to bed and see if i can get a bit of sleep before the alarm goes off at 6

oh and i'm going to delete all the email receipts for this conversation, just in case..

Yes it's probably wise to do so. If your gf is anything like my ex she'll check due to paranoia.

Take it easy and try not too overthink things and remember to do what makes you happy. Try and talk to your gf if you haven't already and see what she is willing to do. You never know she might agree to change certain things to suit you (compromise is what it's called ) Good luck with your future decisions.

[RMCF]

Have a baby - that will sort the two of you out !!!

only joking by the way

[Mr_Wistles]

Sounds like a marriage (well a relationship) for convenience.

[y2k]

Have you ever been in an old persons house when they are watching tv? I would say you dont have to worry about the old woman complaining about the noise from your tv room because they are probably half deaf already, I know it sounds bad but I live next door to an old woman and she has to have the tv up full blast so she can even hear it so I dont think you will have to much to worry about on that front and you can always get a bike and cycle to the train station.

[dakara]

You appear to have very serious doubts about the continuing viability of your relationship with your girlfriend, and from your opinions expressed here you seem to pay little real attention to what she really wants. It is all "I want".
If the relationship is rocky now, there is little chance of it being improved by a house move.
Are the two having serious discussions, and being REALLY being honest and open with each other?
Until you can do so, there is certainly no point in complicating matters even further, since you will simply be changing the backdrop.

[mjn]

Dump the girlfriend, and buy loads of porno to watch......problem solved

[sim667]

Originally Posted by dakara

You appear to have very serious doubts about the continuing viability of your relationship with your girlfriend, and from your opinions expressed here you seem to pay little real attention to what she really wants. It is all "I want".
If the relationship is rocky now, there is little chance of it being improved by a house move.
Are the two having serious discussions, and being REALLY being honest and open with each other?
Until you can do so, there is certainly no point in complicating matters even further, since you will simply be changing the backdrop.

I think he hit the nail on the head, ive just come out of a 4 and half year relationship having just bought a house that i hope my ex g/f would move into with me.....

Im still very good freinds with my ex, i do miss her at times but i still think it was for the best that we mutually agreed to go our seperate ways. Anyway ive got a lodger moving in with me who is a close freind and i own a house all to myself..... groovy movie!

[Marc]

Originally Posted by dakara

from your opinions expressed here you seem to pay little real attention to what she really wants. It is all "I want".

i don't think that's fair. I'm talking about my reservations here so of course that's going to be related to what "i want" but the house is in the location she wants, it's the one she likes, with parking in the same road so she doesn't have to walk far to the car (but i have to walk further to the station) and i was ok to go along with that if only i had my home cinema room, since that's my main hobby. I also said we end up watching freeview every night which is most certainly not what "i want" but i let it go because i don't want an argument.

Anyway i think i've decided to go through with the move. The lease is 6 months to begin with so i can always bail later on if things don't improve, but a little personal space might be all i need..

a small win for me is that she didn't realise that you can't get freeview through an virgin coax cable (in the attic) and the only terrestrial connected coax is in the room i was going to previously have as the lounge, so she'll have to watch freeview in there while i'm in the attic doing my stuff..

[Marc]

Originally Posted by y2k

Have you ever been in an old persons house when they are watching tv? I would say you dont have to worry about the old woman complaining about the noise from your tv room because they are probably half deaf already

kinda hoping that actually, will have to pay her a visit and find out.. if she is it'll be a bonus and give us far more options for room placement

Originally Posted by y2k

and you can always get a bike and cycle to the train station.

i was planning to do that actually, the thought of 25 mins walk at 7:20 in the morning is certainly less appealing that 10 minutes on a bike, although i have the worst balance you've ever seen so i'm sure there'll be a few injuries there...

[Accylad]

Originally Posted by Marc

i can't win lol

After being married for over 30 years I have found that making a draw is about all you can hope for

[johntheexpat]

Originally Posted by Accylad

After being married for over 30 years I have found that making a draw is about all you can hope for

In all relationships, both sides are convinced that the other side has the better of it, most of the time. Its give and take, but you have to be prepared to give more than you think you take. And that way, it works out equitable.

[TheBigApple]

Marc

Reading what your going through, I can understand how difficult it can be not knowing what choice to make.

I owned a flat and my girlfriend had moved in with me but I'd felt something was not quite right for about a year and was having pretty much the same feelings as you describe. Then one night I came home to find my girlfriend had left. It was a tough time, as on the one hand I was happy because now I got to do my own thing, on the other, I was devastated and hate being alone.

So there I was, single with all the time in the world to myself, gaming till the early hours of the morning, watching films, eating takeaway meals, drinking beer, buying all the latest boys toys and of course every single mans essential, porn. It was great for a while but something inside me still craved some form of companionship that you just can't get from all the above.

I decided to start taking friends up on their offers of going out down town, "on the pull" as they call it. Being an introvert this is always something I feel very uncomfortable doing, but after a few drinks the mouth starts running away and before I knew it closing time had crept up, and I'd had a bloody good night out.

This went on for about six months and in that time I'd been out on eight dates. Some didn't get past the first date, some ended in a one night stand and a couple lasted a few weeks. I think because I now had experience of being in an uncomfortable relationship, I could now tell when it didn't feel right, and so I made all the choices to end them rather than hang on to false hopes.

Then one night I met someone at a friends wedding and before I knew it we had been seeing each other for six months, she moved in, we got engaged, went on two holidays and then got married. We play video games together, watch movies together, go to restaurants together, she likes technology just as much as me. However we also have some different tastes in games, film and food, but this has only broadened our choice. She sleeps in late on the weekends, I am an early riser, so I still get time to myself. She has her own friends so I still get time to see mine.

Anyway, is there a point to all this rambling? Well, kind of. You see through all my relationship failures friends and family have said relationships are all about compromise and sacrifice. Well, this might be true for some, but I have had to sacrifice nothing to end up in a happy one and I do believe that if you go through enough relationships, eventually you will find one that feels right and the only compromises that have to be made tend to be about silly things like paint colour and carpets.

The other piece of annoying advice was "you'll meet the right one some day" Well I guess they've got me there.

Whatever you choose to do, go with what you feel is right. It may be difficult at first, but eventually you'll find things just slot into place.

Good Luck

[RMCF]

I too agree that this relationship sounds like its built on rocky foundations.

Why not try to get out and about the odd evening. Perhaps its a generalisation but it sounds like you do nothing but sit in every night and watch TV. There's more to life than that.

I think you need to sit and have a very serious chat with each other, preferably before the house move.

Every relationship needs compromise and it sounds like neither of you two want to.

[Jenn]

I don't think the relationship will last if you're looking for a property that allows you to see less of each other.

It's one thing to have some time for yourself but spending every night on the computer/watching movies while she watches BB in another room is more like cohabiting.

My husband enjoys his consoles and computer and he does play on them almost everyday ( sometime i have a go too) but we also take time to watch movies together (sometimes i choose which one, sometimes he does), TV programs we both like and before we had our baby we'd go out for a meal every so often.
But most important thing of all is we talk all the time. He's my best friend. If you can't talk about your concerns about the new house with your gf there's a deeper problem.

[Marc]

Originally Posted by Jenn

It's one thing to have some time for yourself but spending every night on the computer/watching movies while she watches BB in another room is more like cohabiting.
.

i don't remember mentioning BB, how did you guess??

Lol she went off on one last night when i was explaining how that 'Liam' has been exposed on the web as a complete fraud and actor (he's on imdb) who doesnt have anything like the amount of money/employees he claims and is nothing more than a webspace reseller..

[Marc]

Originally Posted by Jenn

My husband enjoys his consoles and computer and he does play on them almost everyday ( sometime i have a go too) but we also take time to watch movies together (sometimes i choose which one, sometimes he does), TV programs we both like and before we had our baby we'd go out for a meal every so often.
But most important thing of all is we talk all the time. He's my best friend. If you can't talk about your concerns about the new house with your gf there's a deeper problem.

don't get me wrong, we do all that stuff, but it feels like it's mainly when it suits her, ie i can play the xbox if she needs to wash her hair, or go to the tanning salon but if she's not doing anything, no chance. Should my hobbies be less important because they take place within the house?

I'm hoping that will change in the new place with the freeview in a seperate room but i'm sure we'll still watch stuff (ie my downloaded US tv shows, and my DVD/HD-DVD's) together

[mrtbag]

Marc

You've chosen to discuss the living/relationship issues with people on an internet forum whom you don't know and have never met...

....instead of the person who needs to hear what your saying the most. IF you want the relationship to EVER stand a chance.....

...talk to her.

Good luck.

[Jenn]

Originally Posted by Marc

or the 50 daily incarnations of big brother

Originally Posted by Marc

i don't remember mentioning BB, how did you guess??

Lol she went off on one last night when i was explaining how that 'Liam' has been exposed on the web as a complete fraud and actor (he's on imdb) who doesnt have anything like the amount of money/employees he claims and is nothing more than a webspace reseller..

I thought you did mention it, you spooked me for a second though

As for Liam, I don't know who he is, I don't watch the show.