There were these Two ducks you see

[Garrett]

Dont think there's been a joke thread for a bit but I heard this on the radio on Radio 7 hence it being slightly out of date but a good one.

Davis Beckham goes in to Selfridges and sees a item on the shelf, he asks the assistant whets that?
That’s a vacuum flask.
DB And what does that do them?
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
DB that’s great Ill have one of them.

He goes home and shows Victoria.
VB what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
VB and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
VB super.

He takes it to training and shows Alex Ferguson
AF what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
AF and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
AF smashing, and what do you have in it?


DB 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice.

[Woodywizz]

A very very old one, but a good one nonetheless.

Happy Birthday for yesterday btw Garrett

[MattZani]

heh, awesome

Matt

[Setenza]

A woman goes into a shop that purveys the vending of adult sexual aides and asks to be sold a stimulation device that rhythmicly vibrates.

She points to a long white model of the shelf and asks what it is and how much it costs.

The sales persons states that it is the swashbuckler deluxe model and it's £20.

She then enquires after a short black model.

The sales person states that it is the thrustmeister 2000 and it retails at a price of £35 and has rechargeable batteries.

The lady then asks after a tartan style model with a white head, that's on the counter.

The sales person says that it's not for sale.

When asked why they say its because its their thermosflask.

I thank you.

[DanH]

On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless
man wearing a French football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

[Mep]

This is very good - shows once again the wisdom of the ages ... as it were.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old Lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Van Lady?









Make me one with everything..................

[Abu]

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????...











You can't kill two birds with one stone

[LFC_SL]

Sorry Abu, just threw your coat out of the building!

[leej]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little on your knee."

[dr_mabuse]

On a climbing trip, eleven blondes and one brunette end up all clinging to one rope after their relay fails. Unfortunately the rope will never support all 12 of them, and their panicked screaming could be heard for miles around.

After some time, the brunette (at the top of the rope) makes a stirring, emotional speech about saving the group by sacrificing herself for the greater good, and announces to all below that she will let go as she is the heaviest amongst them.

The blondes applaud.

Here's a dodgy one:

Why should you never change your sandwich toaster.

Because its better the breville you Know

[gerryman62]

Originally Posted by Garrett

Dont think there's been a joke thread for a bit but I heard this on the radio on Radio 7 hence it being slightly out of date but a good one.

Davis Beckham goes in to Selfridges and sees a item on the shelf, he asks the assistant whets that?
That’s a vacuum flask.
DB And what does that do them?
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
DB that’s great Ill have one of them.

He goes home and shows Victoria.
VB what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
VB and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
VB super.

He takes it to training and shows Alex Ferguson
AF what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
AF and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
AF smashing, and what do you have in it?


DB 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice.

never herd that one was very funny

[Mep]

Originally Posted by vespats

Here's a dodgy one:

Why should you never change your sandwich toaster.

Because its better the breville you Know

[raigraphixs]

Guess what happened to me today……

This morning on the way to work, I bumped into a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention…anyway, the fella driving got out…...and was a dwarf.


He said "I'm not happy"... I said "Well which one are you then?"

....